Do you believe in Love Everlasting?

I've been doing really well.  Things are finally as they should be.  I've got lots of time to myself now, perhaps even a bit more than I realize what to do with--taking a bit of time to adjust myself, I guess.  Somehow it's not just the fact that I settled down into my new house, but also, just...the rhythm and tempo of life slowed down, which is amazing.  I have a chance to breathe, and I have my balance now.

I guess there was just always a rush of things going on before.  Between Viennese Ball, visiting the East Coast, Deca rehearsal, finishing up projects, work, getting the apartment set up, MtG draft nights, and everything, I guess I ended up just getting caught up in everything.

Work isn't so stressful now; I think I'm at a good pace with that too.  I know I can't talk about work that much here, but it's going well, I think.  I don't get as much "focus time" nowadays as I used to, for sure, but I think it's not all that bad.  We are definitely writing much higher quality code now than we did for our previous project, which is great.  I'm beginning to feel even more confident about my ability to analyze code architecture and write "nice" code that is aesthetically pleasing.

Had a discussion with a coworker today about his reservations about Theros block so far in MtG--he thinks that it's too one-dimensional, in general, and thinks there should be more ways to interact instead of games being decided by "oh, I have a heroic + bestow so I make a big monster, I win".  I think that's a valid point, actually.  Besides the whole one-drop-into-ordeal-on-the-play issue (which was similar to the madcap skills issue, really, but perhaps even worse!), there's also just stuff like wingsteed rider plus bestow which ends games without any real chance to interact.  I mean, what are you =really= going to do against it if you don't have a magma jet, lightning strike, or pharika's cure on turn 2 or 3?  I guess that's why Akroan Skyguard is considered such a high pick in BTT draft now.  So it seems like being really aggressive and proactive with your gameplan is the way to go now, which is why all the WG WU heroic decks seem so strong.  There's not that many answers to their game-winning threats besides to just get out your own game-winning threat yourself.

I just saw the power of Deepwater Hypnotist in a game yesterday too; I was quite impressed.  Slap an ordeal or any bestow creature onto him and he just keeps swinging in.  Blue is still a great color to be in just because of all the tempo plays, which is important when your whole game plan is basically "build an early threat and beat them to the punch".

I -did- still have success with a mono-black build in BTT draft last time I drafted though, so that's not to say that it's Wx heroic or bust--but that was a pretty pipe-dream-like pool, with double asphyxiate, gray merchant, whip of erebos, agent of fates, etc.

So...basically, white is super solid, green is nice because of solid creatures, and blue is still a great support color.  Red and black are sort of the oddballs...RW aggro is still a thing, I guess, but red in Theros is still not that great.  And black...I dunno what you would really do with.  I'm not convinced that BU control has that good of a matchup against all of the more proactive decks.  I mean, sure, I can voyage's end their wingsteed rider, but it's just going to come back next turn?  I keep on wishing to get good results out of Nullify, but I haven't really seen it in action much yet.  And I still am not of the opinion that Divination is good in this format.  It's basically strictly worse than Read the Bones...and I feel like you can't afford to play it on turn 3 anymore.  I think the tempo you sacrifice is way too valuable.  My coworker brought up a good point that this format is marked by a lack of bomby rares like a more "standard" format would have, which I agree with.  In RTR block, or heck, even Core set, you had rares that would come out and be game-winning threats, but here you have a bunch of crap rares (hero's podium, whims of fate), and instead most of the game-winning threats are made via commons stapled together (bestow/heroic guys).  A lot of the rares that seem bomby (abhorrent overlord, eater of hope, tomokratis) are actually not as playable now because they're too expensive, and you would rather just staple together a staunch-hearted warrior with a nimbus naiad and get a 6/6 flier attacking on turn 5 instead, which is a couple turns faster, not to mention more resilient to removal.  There's less ways to trade with these kinds of threats, which is why tempo is so important here.

Aaaanyways, that's that.  I still think it's a pretty fun draft environment, but it was nice to take a step back and realize just how different it is from other blocks.

I'm even doing weird things with my sleep schedule again, which feels great!  Not always on purpose...last night I had trouble falling asleep, so I took a look into my box of letters instead.  That box is one of my most valued possessions...it contains many, many things that are important to me.

This past weekend I started working on a personal game project...don't really know if that was a mistake or not, because it's probably too large-scale to be reasonable, but I guess I'll just roll with it for now and see what happens.  On the plus side, I'm feeling all of the experience from work pay off, which is a pleasant surprise, and for the first time I actually feel like I have a solid understanding of some game networking concepts.  Woohoo~

I'm always looking back to the past, always.  Even if it's futile, I have to try and bring it back sometimes.  I want to be like I was before sometimes.  Maybe not all the time, but at least sometimes.

Maybe I'll try going off the radar for a bit.

This Jammix was really nostalgic...I experienced it in a way that I really haven't for a while.  Though it wasn't that happy, I also felt a strange feeling of gladness, knowing that I can experience it the same way that I did in the past.  This used to happen so often, actually.

Who else is there to look out for you, if you won't look out for yourself?

Maybe, when something burns so brightly in your life, everything else seems dull and faded, even after that thing has passed.  Maybe your mind's eye never fully adjusts after being exposed to something like that.

I won't give up.  Won't give up on who I am.  Won't give up writing letters, making music, drawing.  I'll still IM people randomly saying their name, like I always do.  Even if the conversation ends at "hey!  how are you?  not bad.  you?  doing okayyy", that's still better than nothing.  Won't give up on this blog...I've got almost 10 =years= of history backing me up here.

"What triggered the anomalous behavior that Nagato cannot understand?  What exactly was the error data that she's been accumulating?  It was the most basic of things.  Even for an AI that shouldn't stray from its program parameters, or a robot, given enough time, it's natural for that to develop."

Sometimes, despair swirls so thick that you lose track of the goal that shined so brightly in the beginning.  And even as you continue to march toward it, you lose all hope, and begin to believe that you will never make it.

My favorite place in Journey is the small room in the snow level with the lantern in the middle of it.  You can activate the lantern, and it provides warmth, and a small red glow, recharging your scarf in an area where normally it quickly depletes due to the cold air.  It's the last area of respite before the areas leading into the fateful death march.  It's a peaceful place.  To me, being in that place makes me happy, even though it's surrounded by such sadness.

Thank you....thank you.  That's really all I can say, I feel like.

Sometimes I wish I could set you free, and myself too.  But that's just not who I am, ...okay?

Sometimes I wish that I could conceal, don't feel, don't let it show, go back to the way it used to be, but...I guess, that's not exactly who I am either.  It's okay, right?  Maybe sometimes I can try to go back to how it used to be.  Will you do the same?  I don't know if it's possible, but it seemed so nice back then.  Maybe we can at least try?  It's okay if it doesn't work...

I think it's telling that I haven't written about Viennese Ball in here.  It's not really just a matter of being busy and not having time to do it, though.  I think it's that I have real people to share it with now.  I'm...less alone, have less thoughts that I feel need to be expressed, to be thrown into the void.  And it's nice...it's nice to actually talk to someone, to share a story with them, to be with them.  It's nice to have that.

I guess the busyness is certainly part of the equation too, though.  Am I slowly becoming "one of those people"?  I've got to fight against that.

What a week.........holy crap....

Let It Go?  Let It Go?  I'll never let go.  I think that's the thing, you see?  Yes, I do sometimes feel too much weight bearing down on me, and yes, it's so cathartic to just be able to cry and be comforted and have someone tell me that I can just not worry about any of it, at least not right now.  That I can rest, because I've been trying so hard.  That I'm valued, loved, that I've been doing a good job.  I wonder if my mother ever needs to be told that?

But to let go of the past?  No, no, that's not something that I'll do.  I was in doubt about it before, but I am no longer.  I won't let go.  Not truly, anyways.

This weekend was prerelease weekend!  Went to Game Kastle on Saturday with my brother for the Born of the Gods prerelease.  I ended up going 1-3...bleh.  I chose black for my seeded pack and promo, and ended up getting the 3/3 flyer for 3 (bestow for 5) as a black rare, which was great.  I got a bunch of awesome-looking blue stuff - griptide, thassa, two refraction helixes, a sea god's revenge, chorus of the tides, voyage's end...I built it out, but after staring at it and grimacing, I realized that it wasn't going to work out, since I just didn't have enough creatures.  So I had to say goodbye to all the blue goodies, and swap the blue out for red.  It was definitely the right choice to make--I just didn't have enough bodies to make the blue/black deck work.  I ended up with a bit of minotaur tribal--no kragma warcallers, unfortunately, but I had two of the inspired minotaurs, a deathbellow raider, and a rageblood shaman.  I ended up going a pretty aggro route, taking some enchantments that I wouldn't have played otherwise because of the risk (like the +2/+2 2R: can't block aura).  I had a bunch of small removal--searing blood, pharika's cure, a few weight of the underworlds, and a fated conflagration as well.  The mana base was rough though, with all of the double casting costs.  I tried splashing for sea god's revenge in some matches, but decided to not play it most of the time for better mana consistency.  Maybe it would have actually been right to run 18 lands instead of the black promo, which is stupid, but I think I only ever got the promo out once, and even then it just got asphyxiated.  7 mana seems like a lot to get to in this format, unfortunately.  The pharagax giant (3/3 with tribute 3 or 5 damage) seemed better than I thought it would be--the 5 damage is actually pretty significant when you're running an aggro deck and they're down at 11 or so.  Yes, having the option to just take 5 makes the card a lot worse, but it does still do a good job when they're trying to stabilize, putting them down far enough for you to swing in for the win if you have a good trick or something.  The +2/+0 first strike instant for 1R also overperformed for me.  Weight of the Underworld was...okay.  It's nice that it makes their big guys smaller at least, but sort of sucks in that it's only 2 toughness worth of removal at 4 mana.  Because it's an aura, you might think that it's not vulnerable to being responded to with pump spells, but the problem here is that all of the dangerous threats have heroic triggers that give +1/+1 counters, so they can still counter it with a pump spell anyways.  Or, you know, just cast feral invocation.  Blah.

I think my deck was decent...not great, but not terrible either.  I think it had some potential for really good things to happen, like t2 deathbellow raider into t3 ordeal, or t2 deathbellow raider into t3 rageblood shaman, and the inspired minotaurs were also great in most cases.  It never really got there though; I think I just had bad draws and the mana base was rocky because of all the double casting costs.  I had to mull pretty often, auto-mulls too, like hands with no creatures or no lands.  Well, it happens, I guess.

Decided to not go on Sunday and just rest instead, which was an excellent choice.  Had deca rehearsal in the morning, which went well, cleaned up a bunch of things.  Wanted to grab lunch at Shalala but I passed by and saw that it was pretty crowded so I decided to try my luck at Dohatsuten instead, which I've never been to before.  I remember hearing about it from a friend, so I decided to give it a try.  Their signature ramen had a bunch of veggies in it, which was interesting, and their noodles and broth were definitely different than most other ramen places that I've been to.  I ended up not really being a fan, so I don't know if I'd go again, but I can see how other people might like it.

After lunch I decided to just...sleep a lot.  Which was also quite awesome.  It's been a while since I've really gotten to catch up on rest like that.  I ended up being woken up by my mom intruding on me for no good reason--had half a mind to throw her out of the apartment, but no no, it wasn't that bad.  sigh.  sigh.

I didn't end up getting as much apartment cleanup done as I had wanted to because N ended up coming over to hang out for a bit and we played a few games of Space Alert.  In our last mission we ended up having all 4 guys looking at the window at the end, with N using his advanced data specialist action for mega points (we also gave him the expert know-how achievement for that), so that was pretty awesome.

I did set up all of my plushies, at least, and most of the bookshelf decorations (okay, not all).  I also discovered that the poster frame that P gave me was actually -not- the right size for my poster, oops.  Will have to pick up another one at some point, then.  I ended up staying up until roughly 3 or so, first getting some work done so that we could be more ready for tomorrow (we have a new hire!), and then working on a project that I need to get done this week.

I'm getting a bit scared these days.  I haven't been having great dreams either.  I keep on waking up before my alarm, which has so far felt like a good thing, but also sort of confusing.  I'm not sure what to make of it at all.  I've also been having bad dreams...I don't know if I would call them nightmares, but they're not pleasant.  The other night I had a creepy dream about Rika from Higurashi, then last night I woke up after I dreamed that there was a bunch of really big ants (not GIANT, but really big, like each one the size of a fingernail), and then one of them dropped off the table and jumped onto N's face, since N happened to be lying down.  I think my last words were "oh shit" before I woke up.

I think something is amiss...I need to get myself together again.