Growing older, I can't tell whether it's gotten better or worse compared to before -- the feeling, sometimes, of wanting to turn my back on the world.

I always knew that the world was "against me". Not that it was opposed to me singularly, but simply that the world is -- sometimes, often, mostly -- a tough place that doesn't necessarily provide for you, at least not in the way that you might like.

In my younger years I think I felt this more as a sort of oppression; that I holed up in my bunker, awaiting the days when I would venture out into the forest and search for sustenance.

Now, it is different -- there are no bombshells raining down, no shots of gunfire. It is the world itself that has gone darker. It is no longer a matter of resistance. It is a question of subsistence.

Why do I dream? And when will it end?

What else can I say, really?

Things are alright. Not great, not bad, just alright. I seem to have drifted away from ALTTPR for now, I guess Rabbit & Steel has occupied my casual "off to the side" gaming and Overwatch occupying my more improvement-oriented and committed time. It's certainly interesting sinking time into a multiplayer game like this, but the fact that I'm still on it means it is still fun, at least. I'll be back to ALTTPR, surely, but a break never hurt anyone, really. I'm sure I'll be back at it when I attempt to do the whole crosskeys thing, and that'll suck up a lot of time.

Autumn weather is almost here and we've finally made it through summer's last hurrah. I conferred with the others and I decided against pulling out the charcoal grill for now, though there's nothing stopping me from doing it on my own to cook a dish or two if I want, I guess. But I've got other priorities for the time being. I'm sure the change of weather will be good for me.

I'm on three new sets of keyboard switches. My GMK67 now has HMX Retro Sakura silent switches, which have been working well! They don't totally silence sound, you can still hear the keycap impacts and all that, so it's actually a good fit for the situations where I'm using it anyways. In my Neo80 I have the Keygeek Y2s...these have been a little more of a miss, unfortunately. The "sound impact" that the different stem shape causes is definitely a bit different, in a way that I think is fine and enjoyable, but the sound unfortunately just isn't as "clean", sometimes a bit of ping or squeak or something, which is a little disappointing given that what I've read of those switches doesn't correlate with that. Surely it's not the board itself I don't think...I'll have to swap back to either the Tipsy Reds or the Huano Sakuras and see what the differences are like. My Cycle7 (still on DSA Pastel Dreams -- the Neo80 is on the Osume cherry blossom set) is now kitted with HMX Mochis, which I've just started using today and am really enjoying quite a bit! Previously the Cycle7 was using HMX Twilights which were quite loud and high-clack-forward, but I've foamed up both boards, plus this is just a quieter and lower-pitched switch. It's not a "deep" sound in this configuration, but it's not as aggressive. More notably, it's got a 32-37g weight, which is quite light. It does feel a liiiiitttttlle off on the backspace key for whatever reason, maybe the stabilizer or the keycap isn't fit exactly to tolerances well, but everything else is fine and the lower weight is honestly quite enjoyable. It's got a full 4mm of travel, too, which I enjoy. Almost feels like a bit TOO much, even, at times, though that could just be in comparison to the other switches; I'll have to remember in the future that travel of like 3.7mm is totally fine too.

Letter writing season is quickly approaching so I've been trying to make good progress toward some things on that front. Besides two birthday letters I have my voter outreach postcards that I need to take care of, so I've been spending some hours here and there idly playing some videos while getting those addressed, which honestly has been great. Nothing like some easy rote productivity to spend your time on and feel like it hasn't been totally wasted.

Rhythm Quest work continues to go along, I have days where I don't really work on it that much, but then other days where I feel like dang, I really did a lot of good stuff. Today I didn't do a =ton=, but I did achieve "enough" -- reworked the palettes for a new background, tweaked some backdrop layers, reexported some things, etc. Nothing too exciting, just...work. I also did some mulling over in the back of my head about how to handle the credits stage (maybe getting closer to an actual idea?), and some thoughts about what to do for the menu backgrounds (definitely getting closer to an actual idea). So far, so good...

Change is death, in that sense we are all "dying", but still, it feels messed up to have parts of myself die the hand of another. There are things that were taken from me, that I'll never have back. Not time, energy, those sorts of things, but rather, the ability to be a certain way. I mean, the end result is...fine, I guess, I don't feel all messed up as a person because of it, it's just...not the greatest feeling.

This time, though, when I crossed paths with someone, I find that things are the way I thought they should be all along. Even when our paths diverge and we part ways, we quietly understand. I feel and know that I am valid.

I find that I may have grown, not just stronger, but more able to see beyond myself, to extend the threads of connection to others. If I have grown, though, it is not because I pushed myself, but because I found acceptance for who I was. You won't take that away from me. 

2026.08

https://ddrkirbyisq.bandcamp.com/album/monthlies-202608 

As I get older, I find that everything seems to matter a little less. I still go through ups and downs, still get upset and worried, but with enough perspective you start to feel that things just aren't as big of a deal as they used to be.

I think in the first half of my life there was more of an assumed emphasis on the moments that mattered. About performing at your best, about rising to meet a challenge. How well did you do on your standardized tests? Did you win the competition? Did they fall in love with you? Perhaps meeting people felt that way too -- putting on your best, trying to perform, seem cool, or at least on some level, portray yourself in a certain way. Having someone appreciate and like you, it was like passing a test.

After a while, perhaps "failure" or disappointment starts to just become a normal, expected outcome, rather than something you need to avoid at all costs. But it's not just the failures, it's also the bright points, that start to seem dim as you broaden and lengthen your perspective. The best day of your life, how long did that feeling actually last? That thing you worked so hard for, what did it matter across your life?

I was standing at dance earlier today and thinking about the pressure I always felt, that I was "supposed" to be making the most of every dance opportunity. It was something I had to consciously learn to not get swept up in, to stay my place and stay my peace. But I think I have an even different feeling about it now. That, even if I did dance, then so what? Would it even matter?

I thought to myself, there's a really good chance that all -- or at least most -- of the best social dance experiences in my life are already behind me. I'm not old or disillusioned enough to think the same way about the best days of my life, but it got me thinking, a bit, about things. People come and go, we make a difference and then are forgotten, our pets grow with us and then pass away. There are scant few things in my life that I feel like they really, truly matter. I can't seem to decide whether that is liberating or just disheartening.