Cooking

Cooking, is, of course, a craft, and a skill.  When I'm really enjoying the process of cooking I get a similar enjoyment out of it as I do when I'm playing a videogame, or making music.

But it's more than that, too.  Cooking is a way that we can connect with other people.  To help bring them happiness.  I mean, sure, videogames and music can do that too, just...it's in different ways.

Sometimes when I watch these cooking videos and content I get this smile on my face from knowing that there is this shared understanding of craft.  Seeing someone that "gets it", someone who you feel aligned with in terms of your process, always feels satisfying, like you're a little less alone in the world because somebody else has this shared understanding with you, even if you've never met them.

But there's other cooking content that makes you appreciate that you can really create something beautiful out of cooking.  When people think of "gift giving" or "acts of service" as a love language I think there is an impulse to think of them as really impersonal, but of course when you really think about the great examples of this kind of love expression they are anything but that.  That special hand-made thing that you always treasured, or that surprise party that your friend helped organize for you.  Cooking is the same way, like, cooking can be "sustenance for life" in that it can just be this necessary aspect for physical health and survival, but it can also be "sustenance for life" in that it can remind us of joy, remind us to connect with our bodies, remind us to connect with other people.  I think this is why presentation is important when it comes to food, as much as I often neglect it (efficiency is also important to me...).  It can help to create a moment, as much as the packaging on a gift, or the hand-written note that goes alongside of it.

Seeing someone really express their happiness when you cook for them is a really special feeling, I guess it is similar to seeing someone express their happiness and gratitude when you give them something special that isn't food.  Thinking about it makes me a little emotional for some reason.  I think it's because the desire to be loved and appreciated is such a core desire -- if not for all people, then at least for people like me.  Of course, there is also the desire to be respected and acknowledged -- that can be really important too -- but cooking is perhaps a little unique in that it's a craft that can connect with people on a more personal level.

I want to become better at cooking.  I want to be able to bring more moments of joy to the people around me.  But thinking about this, also makes me think about how I struggle, too.  Not with creating a meal, but with being on the other side -- with expressing my appreciation for others.  How can I seek connection with others through this "love language" if I am so reluctant to connect with them in the first place (or in the "second place"?).  Do I "deserve" to hear words affirming my effort if I have not yet learned to give those same words back?  Why should people express thanks to me if I am so reticent?

Why is it so hard to express love, and to accept love?

...would be a nice place to end the post, but I think we kinda already know why it's hard to express love, and to accept love.  It's because sometimes love often comes bundled together with all of these other emotions and feelings and thoughts and memories.  Maybe to you love means control.  Maybe love is intermingled with lust.  Maybe jealousy.  Maybe when you tried to accept love you ended up accepting shame along with it.  "Fear of love" isn't really something we talk about, I guess maybe it is really not an apt phrase to describe it anyways, we dress it up in phrases like "avoidant attachment" or "rejection sensitivity" or whatever.  But there's a good reason it exists, right?  We all want to have those =good= experiences with love, but there have usually been so many bad experiences too, it's easy to forget how to let our guard down.  Love takes time.  And if we are to be open to it for ourselves, we have to also be open to it for others, too.

There's no rush, though.  There's no need to "fix" something that isn't "broken".  It's ok to not bring your whole self to every encounter.  You will, in your own time, when you are ready.

I mean, what is there to say???  ...is my first thought, but I figure I should write something anyways.  I've had a long day.

 

Empathy is important, we all know that, at least on a conceptual level, probably.  But maybe sometimes a calm head and being open to understanding and curiosity are part of it too.  Or maybe it's just the same thing but under a different name.  When people ask "Why?" or say "I don't understand" sometimes the other unsaid half of the sentence is "and I don't like it" or "I think it's wrong".  Starting from an assumption that there is a =mistake= in the world can predispose us to looking only for the answer that we want to see.

But usually things have a good reason that they are the way they are, or even a mediocre reason, at worst.  Sometimes we can shove aside the question of "why" and ignore it in our quest to figure out "how" to move forward with whatever we want, but sometimes maybe you really can get some good insight into "why" if you start by assuming that it is something that DOES make sense, given some sort of missing information that you are not taking into account.  If we give the benefit of the doubt, what are the possible reasonings we could try and derive -- or even contrive -- for "why"?

Why do you have to wait at a red light even when it's 3AM and you're the only car on the road?  We know there are often sensors that are used to detect whether cars are at intersections (and which lanes they're in -- this frequently affects left turn signals).  Why couldn't we use those same sensors to deduce that there is only one car at the intersection and that it should be let through immediately?

There are probably any number of reasons you could guess at here, but consider that pedestrians are probably too light to trip most of these inductive sensors (which are probably designed for cars, right?) and also take significantly longer to cross the road.  It wouldn't be a great situation if someone saw a green light and started to walk slowly across the road, only for cross-traffic to suddenly get switched on.

Of course, all of this applies to our selves too.  We get caught so often in the mistake of assuming that we are "wrong" for our unwanted behavior or that there's no reason for it.  But humans are astoundingly rational creatures, we really do most things for good, or at least important, or sensible, reasons.  You can call your behavior "maladaptive" all you want but there's a reason for those to exist too, right?  Sticking to something that worked in the past is an effective life strategy, it =should= take conscious recalibration and effort to change our working patterns.

 

Anyways, I guess I get at least some credit for today.  I did some work, wrote a letter, came up with a pretty good last-minute birthday gift, scheduled a vet appointment, got some JaSmix stuff resolved even.  This week I decided to break down a whole chicken so that I could have richer parts leftover for some soup, in addition to simply saving some more money.  Cooked two pretty decent meals.  I have a bunch of various things in the fridge that I'll need to try my best to use up before my next trip, I think it should mostly be okay, though.  Have the laundry going...

Failed in delivering a Rhythm Quest devlog this month again, but that's okay, right? ...ehh...

I've got some stuff to do tomorrow, I guess.  More writing, one hour compo, an album release, maybe thinking about anything else that needs to be squared away.  A nail trim.

Perhaps the biggest thing I should be proud about today is releasing some of the tension in my back.  Was sort of nagging at me the entire day, but I've just realized that it's gotten a lot better now.  I always had the inkling that when I get back pain it's a combination of physical soreness and stressors manifesting in pain (previous experiences with psychosomatic issues cluing me in), but this past week perhaps more than other times have convinced me of the existence of the psychosomatic portion of it (thanks therapist!).

Despite everything I may or may not say and write about, I'm doing pretty good.  I got this random comment that I might be having a rough time.  Probably not very informed, but even if it was, probably not an unreasonable conclusion to reach given the energy and mood that my posts these days often have.  There's this constant feeling of "well, life goes on, for now", I basically wrote that in like 3 of my more recent posts?  Well, I mean, it's =true=, though.  I'm not really one to hop and skip my way along, but also not one to dig in my heels or start kicking and screaming, am I?  At my worst maybe I'm slowly plodding, at my best, my steps are probably a little lighter, but we like to try our best to go at a steady pace.  Nothing more, nothing less is needed.  Just what we've always done.

Time for another update...

 

I'm doing okay.?  Feel like time is flying by since I've got all these various things that I'm dealing with, but I'm managing somehow, amidst all of it.

 

We've just wrapped up with the first half of our annual ALTTPR mentor tournament!  I put in my time and mentored for 13 races this year (last year I did 15).  Last year that resulted in 9 wins, 5 losses (we're not counting the cheating fiasco...), this year I got 10 wins, 3 losses, which is fantastic!  An improvement from going 2-5 in 2023, ha ha.  I guess my lifetime record is 21-13, a win rate of 62% or so.

Of course, my "mentor skills" are only really half the story there, I mean at the end of the day the mentees are the ones running the seeds, we're along to do the best we can and try to pilot these mentees into good routes and decisions and remind them of little things as they improve.  It's been satisfying, as it always is, but I think this year in particular I finally managed to really brush off the impostor syndrome that I felt two years ago.  The hard work that I've put into understanding the game and analyzing things in my own way comes through when I'm able to chime into discussions and give my thoughts on decision making in a structured and informed way (or at least I think so).

People have a funny way of thinking about things sometimes (I'm not talking about people making bad routing decisions).  I overheard in an opposing mentor/mentee video once about them discussing a little bit of what they knew about my routing style, and I was really taken aback because like...how would you know?  This person probably popped into my stream maybe once or twice, is that really enough to determine how I do things?  It's not like I play in tournament matches or anything like that, it's odd (I also don't know that their conclusion was on point).

But probably the stranger/more interesting one was a mentee who talked about how like, they knew DDRKirby(ISQ) would sniff out ___ item that was at ___ location.  And it's like...I donno.  Sometimes there is this weird ethos about experienced runners being able to like see The Matrix or whatever and trace through chains of logic and progression and predict where items are likely to be and it's like...okay, there is some small element of conditional probabilities, but really, we just try to be faster and more efficient than our opponents and try to estimate the risk/reward of each decision point.  This applies to me even more so given that I consider check efficiency to be king over almost anything else, I am probably the last person who is going to "sniff out the logic" pointing toward something specific unless I'm using it as a tiebreaker.

I felt really validated when one of the top runners said as much, that no, the experienced players don't just magically find the right path, they're just efficient and open more chests faster.  But I dunno, maybe people have this weird fascination with trying to "make the right predictions" instead of just putting in the work to just continually optimize things.  I still get baffled when people basically call out recency bias as a reasoning for their decisions rather than just going by the odds of something happening in a vacuum.  Like, in any sort of competitive TCG or poker or whatever you'd be crazy to use this sort of thing as a reason, right?  Bleh.  But maybe it's just like me to just be like "yea it's just all the unglorious improvement that's really important".  I wonder if sometimes people think in real life I have this magical ability to just get things done really fast but no, it's not magic, I just learn to do things quickly and try to cut out everything else that's unnecessary.  It's.......the same thing that I do in randomizer, lol.

 

JaSmix planning continues, hopefully I can put out the event announcement this coming week and then start working on the setlist and private lesson signups and all.  Unlike in previous years I'll probably just have everything in one room; I can just do my private lessons and then have our three workshops all in the same place afterwards.  Less efficient in terms of time, but it's fine; I'll just be able to hang out and relax as the workshops go on, and actually watch them as opposed to last time when I was busy running around doing other stuff and worrying about reparking my car and all.

Had another go at Master of Orion 2, haha.  Had a win on an Impossible game (woo!) using a standard UniTolProd+1 race.  Think I've gotten to understand a little bit more how the early game should look, prioritizing colony bases a lot earlier (and scrapping your initial starbase) and stuff.  I've not had any luck winning with a Repulsive race, I think it gives you too little time to set up before people start coming after you.  And no luck with a research-oriented race either.  Game is hard.

Had a lot of tea this past week, including a white tea that I really "needed" at that time.  Felt like it was reminding me of how to try and be at peace instead of just worrying about stuff like I was at the time.  I still struggled a bit with it afterwards, but it helped to set me on the right direction, I guess.

I watched this video a while back (or maybe not that long ago in the grand scheme of things) that basically was emphasizing how I shouldn't ignore my inner experience of things.  And it's like, I never felt like I was super out of touch with my thoughts and feelings or anything like that.  But I think I'm starting to reach an understanding that "acknowledging my feelings and then proceeding to ignore and not do anything about them" perhaps doesn't necessarily really count as being in touch with them either.

But I mean these things are hard sometimes.  That's how we get into trouble, sometimes there just isn't anywhere for our inner thoughts and experiences to be "received", whether that be because you don't have the time, or you don't have the friends, or you don't have the love, or you don't have the capacity to receive them by yourself.  And then maybe they start to leak out because I mean, thoughts and feelings usually have to go somewhere, right?  That's what lead me to my run-in with psychosomatic pain and all.  I recall that as I feel this weird suspicion about my back being sore over the past couple of days and wonder whether that is related, whether that is somewhere where I'm carrying some unresolved emotional energy.

 

Feeling happy about the artwork that I've been putting out; last month's was a big success and I was happy with this month's too.  I worked on that instead of Rhythm Quest this past week, but I mean...work is work, right?  There's always a million different things, but somehow it seems ok if you just take it one piece at a time and resolve to slow progress.

 

The chickies are doing ok maybe.  Maybe?  Not sure whether dumbchicky has figured out the treadle feeder, I'll have to do some more testing on that when I have the energy to do so.  Never seem to have a ton of energy and motivation for these extra chicky tasks =/  I really ought to replace their bedding inside, and honestly their outside could use some help so it's not so rocky.  And trim their nails / soak their feet... at least I managed to get them some supplement for their calcium, and I've been hand-feeding dumbchicky and letting them out.  They seem to be really enjoying dirt bathing outside, so at least they are happy about that.  Somehow feels like as time goes on I'm being less and less of a good chicky parent.  Don't know that I'll ever have ducky again at this rate.

Weather continues to be really cool and cloudy here and I'm all for it; this has been the best late july weather ever, haha.  I'm sure we'll have some additional heat at some point, but I really don't mind this at all.  It's at least one thing to help give me some extra energy.  And hey, the mentor tournament is over, so that's one less thing for me to have on my plate, right?  (swap in JaSmix stuff, lol)

 

I've got yet another trip coming up, so this is again my week to try and see if I can get one or two things taken care of before that happens.  I missed a Rhythm Quest update this month, bleh.  I keep meaning to go out to dance again, and also to play some DDR, but it's been hard to fit it in with everything else happening lately. 

 

But yeah, yeah.  Sympathy for myself and all.  It's not like I feel like I've been lazy or not performing well or anything.  Life continues, for now.

Okay, yeah!  It's been a while...let's see where things are at.

 

The rest of my trip went okay!  I felt really exhausted toward the end, in like, every way -- honestly think a big part of it was the heat getting to me since I spent a little extra time outdoors.  It honestly felt super surreal coming back, the weather was a complete 180 and I came back home from sunny + dry to a dark, damp, foggy night.  I'm all settled back in now, but that first 24 hours or so was a little weird...

 

That tea place that I mentioned ended up redeeming itself -- the bai mu dan that I had the first time just was really....not it.  Rather than try their king's grade peony or whatever I actually just ended up going for their pressed white tea cakes and those fared much better for me, there were two that I ended up enjoying, I think maybe the last one wasn't as great but eh, I'll take it.  I had some good times there, including one afternoon where I just sat there and felt really productive. 

 

Ended up bringing a knife home, as I was hoping to.  Yeah, I...didn't really need another knife, but I wanted to have something nice to bring home, and I've been using it and enjoying it so far!  Not replacing my favorite knife, but it's nice to use and even made of the same powdered R2/SG2 steel, which I've had great impressions of so far.  Also ended up ordering myself a diamond sharpening stone, I'll have to see whether I like that one better or worse than the traditional water stone experience.  I think it's a little less meditative, but also like....less hassle, and potentially faster?  I'm afraid to use it on my more precious knives, but I'll have to just give it more experience and see what the difference is when I use the different stones.  I'm experimenting with some new techniques too. 

 

I promise you もう迷わない

強くなる…あなたに証すよ

逃げないで　向き合っていく

姿を見せてくれた　to heart

It's a song that I'm pretty sure Kiki sent to me a long long time ago.  I don't think I ever really associated it strongly with her though, it's just a song that I just kinda had and remembered.  Can't help but think of it a little differently now, though, I guess.

The mentor tournament has been continuing on -- the mentees are on week 5 now and there's only one week of mentoring left!  I coached two races this week -- both victories -- and I have two mentees signed up with me for next week as well.  One of the victories this time seemed like it was going to be a heartbreaker as a hardware issue caused us to lose 22 minutes (!) of progress, but somehow we managed to pull it all together and figure out what plays to make to keep us in it.  Definitely one for the books, sheesh, what a wild ride (was on restream, too...).  Sitting at 8-2 now in my mentor-coached races, which is...incredible actually, haha.

I'm continuing to do some additional work here and there on my ALTTPR site.  Currently doing some of the first few rooms in the GT climb (complicated rooms...).  Once we're at the end of the swiss rounds next week I am considering whether I want to put together a tips/tricks video covering common themes or areas of improvement that I've seen throughout various mentees, but...I'll have to see if I have time to edit that all together.

 

Ended up finally putting another Rhythm Quest release out, including a ton of minor improvements and restructuring that I've been doing over the past month(s).  As usual there are still other bugs and stuff related to the new functionality and changes that I'll need to go back to address.  The work just continues like this...

 

I think we have a date for JaSmix!  Assuming everything can go through, of course.  I'm planning to have the event on August 16th.  I actually could have one more workshop in my schedule, but I...don't think I'm up to the task of teaching it.  Maybe if I think of something fun and simple that I could do, but I just don't think I want to dedicate the bandwidth to it; may as well just let the others do their job and teach some cool stuff and I can just sit back and handle the rest of the night, do some privates, etc.  At this point I'll just be happy if the event goes through and runs smoothly.  It's a little too much to ask for me to also put in a workshop...

There's been a bunch of other life learnings too, I don't know if this is the right place or time to really detail them, but there's been stuff about attachment styles and how I work and stumbling blocks or blind spots that I have been carrying in certain situations and all that.  That stuff is still a work in progress, but then again, we all are, right?

 

I received the news that Andrea Gibson -- a poet whose works I'm acquainted with -- passed away recently.  Was a weird coincidence that I had just recorded a one hour compo piece where I had recited one of their poems.  I never knew them on a personal level and I had only ever attended one of their poetry readings, but they have some really cool works and every once in a long while when I'm not busy thinking that I should be digging into my past I end up reaching for some poetry and, them being one of the few poets whose works I'm acquainted with -- more often than not it's their work that I pull out of my friend's bookshelf and see whether I can glean any feelings from.  Like I said, I don't feel like I really =know= them, but they seemed to....I don't know, like, have lived a really special life?  Full of hardships I'm sure, but also full of strength, connection, crazy experiences and life lessons, and all of that.  I guess I don't want to assume too much, I mean on some level you have to think, somebody who wrote all these grand (or not even grand, just like, heartful?) words about their life experience, surely had to have lived such a full life.  But it's not just like, that their poems are all dramatic or whatever, it's more like...wow, this person went through some stuff, but not only that, they came out the other side, and they did even more.  I dunno.  I guess it just felt like this was a pretty cool person to exist. 

Going to be going back down south a bit this weekend, which should be good, since it's been so long.  Not sure if I'll stay an extra day and stop by Dancebreak or whatever (I've been so MIA at dance stuff...), but either way it should be good.  I'm planning to stop by Teance again finally tomorrow, really looking forward to hanging out there.  (actually reminded me to sign up for the next upcoming tea social...)

 

What else...it's getting toward the latter part of the month so it'll be time for me to start working on another pixel art piece soon.  Looking forward to that, hopefully it'll turn out okay?  I watched The Colors Within / Kimi no Iro, really enjoyed it!  Fun, joyful, kind of touching, not too heavyhanded, pretty, all things that I really appreciated.  Keyboard-wise, I had been using my usual two boards for awhile (and will probably go back to them), but the past couple of days I actually pulled out the Evo80 for a change of pace.  Variety is nice!

 

Chicky stuff continues to be interesting; the "training setting" is now off on the treadle feeder and I'm notttttttt 100% sure dumbchicky has managed to figure out how to get her food out of it, but I know at least white chicky has.  We're still having rodent issues; pretty sure the whole chicky food situation contributed quite a bit to it, but at least we're taking a bunch of the appropriate measures now, and we're learning more and more about how to keep everything safe.  Heh, just thinking about how if I ever have duckies again it'll just be even more learnings...guess the pet stuff never ends, really.

 

Been having this weiiiirddd funky combination of feeling like sometimes I'm super lazy and not really great about my normal rhythms, but also been being pretty productive at the same time?  It's a little weird, but I'm rolling with it for now.  Contrary to what you might think, I don't feel the need to always be on exactly the same rhythm as I normally am.  Progress is still progress, work is still work, fun is still fun.  I still manage best I can to take care of all the different things...

Showing up for yourself means understanding that you deserve love even when you don't think you do

Showing up for yourself means learning about what makes you undeserving of love, too

Showing up for yourself means dragging yourself outside even when you feel like hiding under a rock

Showing up for yourself means letting yourself stay home even when you feel like you should be dragging yourself outside

Showing up for yourself means taking care of your body, putting on your best even when nobody else can see it

Showing up for yourself also means staring at your hideous face in the mirror afterwards

and telling it "I love you"

even when you don't believe it.

You'd do the same for someone else

Wouldn't you?

And even if you wouldn't

that's okay too

 

Deep down, you'd want someone to do it for you

even if you feel like you don't deserve it

right?

I'm doing ok, here, in this place away from home.  As much as I like to always keep the same pace and do the same things, it's hard to argue that taking a little break away from myself isn't good every once in a long while.

My last trip out of town wasn't super "relaxing" in that I was basically always doing stuff every day, though I still managed to take a day on my own to go pet cats and drink tea and everything (wonderful!).  This time I may have some more time to do...okay, normal stuff that I'd probably do if I was out and about at home too, catching up on some work, maybe writing a letter, maybe getting a head start on this month's pixel art, blahblahblah.

There's a tea place here, too, though my first experience there left me feeling half-dubious.  I'll give them one more shot to see if it'll be a nice place for me to stop by again, but I miss my home tea cafe(s) already haha.  It's too bad, too, I think both of the spots that I went to during my last trip were really nice, particularly that second one.  But I guess nowhere is perfect, really.  Maybe I should have brought some of my own tea with me, I guess...

The mentor tournament has continued to be fun I think!  I'm starting off the season strong with 6 victories and 1 loss (heh), somehow I'm actually catching up to that crazy 8-1 record that I had at one point last year before the losses started rolling in.  In my mind the mentees are kind of at the point where their journey and destiny is really under their own control; you can (probably?) really see the difference between mentees that just keep on making the same mistakes over and over again, versus people who put in the work and really learn how to execute every screen in the game well.

I've probably talked about this before, but it's always weird to try and coach people through the process of learning.  Like, I feel like most of my learnings have just been a matter of "expose me to something new" or whatever and then I go and learn the thing myself because it's just EASY for me to figure out how the thing works on my own.  Even if it's not immediately obvious, I can just look up the appropriate resources myself, =or= I can do the science on my own.  So it's really weird to think to myself, how am I supposed to interact with, and =help=, people who don't just figure everything out on their own?  My first instinct is always like "here's a video, go and watch it".  And I mean on some level that's valid, right?  The reason we have these videos is to serve as a nice and (hopefully?) concise explanation of concepts, with prepared footage to accompany it.  Wouldn't that be better than some on-the-fly half-baked runthrough that's unprepared?

But of course, like, people don't always know how to diagnose what they're doing wrong, right?  Again, I have to like, understand that rationally rather than experientially because if you put me in the same situation, 9 times out of 10 I =will= be able to diagnose what's going wrong.  Like, if you see something and try to replicate it and it doesn't work, you should isolate different factors, look at the inputs and outputs, etc.  I dunno, isn't that just...basic? (it's not)

It's real hot here, and =dry= too, so I've been trying my best to make sure to take care of my skin.  Tomorrow I get to give that tea shop another chance, but also get to shop for some knives -- hoping to find something to take home, or at the very least buy as a gift!  I'll probably try to get some work done, but I want to vary that work, too, you know?

Life goes on, for now.  We'll see.

Words to Remove from the Dictionary (Part 1)

Good

Bad

 

Right

Wrong

 

Proper

Improper 

 

Defective

Maladaptive

Inadequate

Inferior

Insignificant

 

Hopeless

Worthless

Unlovable

Unforgivable

Coward

Stupid

Idiot

Broken

Pointless

Powerless

Meaningless

Useless

Impossible

Hate

Normal

Perfect

Never

Can people really change?  I mean, of course, people do change, but I wonder sometimes if that change is slow and hard-earned, or whether change is more like something that just "happens" to you.  Like how you can go to bed, but you can't actively "fall asleep", it's just something that "happens to you".  Maybe the difference is more semantic than anything, but thinking about the changes in my life and in other people's lives, it makes me think about how much of it was really under our control at all.

I've certainly become a little more comfortable talking and interacting with people in certain ways.  (Others...maybe still needs some work)  Was that really something that I did out of my own will and power?  Maybe.  I think it's weird because I'm used to looking at things like skills and techniques, like you know, my execution in ALTTPR, or knowing my way around cooking, or even the craft of making music?  These are all things where I can go like, "hey, yeah, I really worked on that, I put effort into both learning and practicing it, and it resulted in growth and progress".  But like, when it comes to the deeper stuff, like social skills or my personality or even the little componens that make up who I am, those are a lot harder to boil down.

Like, yeah, maybe I feel a little more secure than I used to, but like, I struggle to even feel like that's something that I really "worked out", it just feels like I was "lucky enough" to get through the right circumstances to make it happen.  I think some of the stuff about self-care, yeah, sure, that stuff I feel like I've put in work on, both myself and with my therapist, so that stuff makes sense, but the other stuff...it's harder for me to connect the dots, I guess.

The other weird thing is that change is something that traditionally I've just tried to avoid in the first place?  So like, maybe it makes sense after all that it's something that "happened to me" rather than something I really pursued.  But I donno, are there really good examples of how I've seen people change over time out of their own will?

Yeah...yeah, I guess there are.  But like I said, it is slow, and hard-earned.  I think that's why it's hard to imagine, because usually that sort of change takes many years, I guess, and usually starts so early on.  Like when I decided I would try my best to avoid having so many things that were half-done and never-finished.  I was so young when I tried to decide that, it really took many years before I could really go and say that this is something I'm not only good at but am known for.

I guess I see that in other people, too.  People have told me about how they had experiences that made them figure out that they wanted to be a certain way or wanted to learn how to be a different way than they were previously.  It's cool, I guess, seeing that people can actually make it happen.  That if you want to, you can grow, and shift.  I think it's more rare to see now, because people have settled more into their ways, but it doesn't mean it doesn't happen at all.  Even someone who claims to want to stay the same as much as me, feels the shifts happening as I try to understand things in a different way.  Maybe I won't change as drastically as I did during some of my more formative years.  But it still happens, I guess.


I've still been feeling a little off, physically.  Headaches and fatigue and all that.  But I've been doing my best despite that.  Finished that Rhythm Quest devlog, did some mentoring, even squeezed in an ALTTPR run and got some voter outreach postcards started.  I'm overdue on some letters still, but that can come in time.  Everything in its time, one by one, steadily.  I can do it.

Been putting in some good work, recently.  The mentor tournament has been going well so far, I'm trying my best to route these mentees through the seeds, somehow they've managed 4-1.  I've learned one or two things along the way, so that's always a good thing, too.

Rhythm Quest work continues and I'm really putting a lot of time into the settings menu refactor, which feels really good.  I have a devlog drafted for all of the work I've done over the past two months, just need to capture all of the gifs for that tomorrow and hope to publish it.  I was going to work on that part of it today too, but instead I took care of some other things, including some household research and then also getting my package ready to mail out for Sakuradragon's stationery swap.  Nice to have those things checked off!

Chicky needs a nail trim as always; hopefully I'll be able to manage that tomorrow.  We seemed to have stopped one of the intruders but there's definitely still a problem, found one of them living in the food dispensers again =(  I ordered a treadle feeder to try and help, I'm not sure whether it will work out but I figure I might as well try, assuming I feel like it's safe for them to use (TBD).

Besides the Rhythm Quest work I have some letters to write (really haven't had too much writing time recently...).  I haven't been taking great care of the other normal household stuff (been keeping up with regular vacuuming at least, but haven't been managing the kitchen as well as I feel like I normally do), and I've had some uncharacteristic misses on my meals too, but I think that's just bound to happen sometimes.  It happens.

Weirdly enough I've been feeling some energy/dopamine problems near the end of the days, something feels a little off.  Maybe it's because I'm just exhausting my reserves earlier in the day, or maybe I just need a little more sleep, or whatever, but I've noticed that despite working really nicely and feeling good I've been hitting this point where my motivation kind of falls off a cliff, it's not just like the work motivation either, like the play motivation really peters off too.

I guess being in the summer months doesn't really help, though I don't think it's the heat sapping away my energy (otherwise it'd be worse in the afternoon...).  But it probably won't hurt to try and make sure that I'm taking care of myself in all of the usual ways, a little extra.  You know, eating a little healthier, trying to make sure I can get some good sleep, all that stuff.

I have another trip coming up, I'm looking forward to it!  I don't feel like I have a ton of stuff to take care of before then, just a few things that I think I'll be able to take care of okay.  My main question mark is whether I'll end up making time to head south before then, but I think either way is okay, honestly. 

Things have been...good!  I'm starting to find my pace, I think.  The new and old are starting to integrate together.  It's a nice feeling.

The Mentor Tournament (for ALTTPR) is in full swing now.  I don't think I'll be able to swing the type of win-loss record that I did last year (it was crazy, and probably just lucky, at one point my mentees were 8-1, that's an 88% win rate...), but I'm going to try my best to help out those who are seeking guidance, best I can.  At the very least, I know there are things that only I really teach.  I'm...not really sure why I'm the only one, but whatever.

The other day was super satisfying as I spent a long time working on this month's pixel drawing, which has now become my new avatar -- the nicest one yet, too.  The past 8 months or so have all been traced, which of course is not the =worst= thing, I still get practice on working with pixels in general, antialiasing, coloring, selective outlines, etc.  There was one piece I worked with in particular where the colors were fascinating, really interesting to try and translate them into a limited palette, and I didn't just copy/paste/quantize the colors from the source image either.

But I did get called out on it at one point, started to feel a little iffy about it myself, made those albums into free downloads only, and this month I used a reference but took it in my own style and didn't do any tracing or anything.  Honestly expected the result to be much more lackluster, but somehow it ended up better than most of the actual traced drawings...go figure.  Anyways, tracing was a nice and easy fallback that honestly mostly just saved me creative "effort" and energy and provided with me with a nice and easy way to take care of my monthly commitment without thinking too hard, but I guess this works, too.

Been trying to take care of other things in the meantime, too.  Took care of the laundry today, and mailed out some letters as well.  There is minor trouble going on in chickie-land, as usual -- some mild problems with eggs (calcium deficiency, perhaps), but also another unwelcome food thief, which surprised us at first because we sealed up the outsides of the coop, but we realized that it's been coming through the opening in between the "duplex" structure.  That's something that probably won't be =too= hard to fix up, just need some sort of "tunnel" that I can use as a mini skybridge.  Just another thing to take care of at some point, I guess.  Have some gift shopping to do as well, at some point...

More importantly, I'm finally getting back at working on Rhythm Quest.  Had some nice, I mean =nice= work time on it today, for the first time in a while.  I pretty much skipped working on it all of last month, so it's nice to finally be back at it.  Not only did I do some charting work, but implemented some fixes here and there, and even improved some functionality (camera smoothing) and tweaked some UI flows.  Hopefully I can keep it up...

My happiness is here, too.  I donno how much to really describe or talk about it, but there have been some things that I think have made a big difference for me.  I can really feel them.  All that stuff about self-confidence and self-forgiveness and all that.  I always kinda knew that I was valuable, admired, lovable, all that stuff.  But I think I had trouble "believing" it.  I asked myself a few weeks ago what it would be like to believe in it and at the time I like...didn't really know, it felt like I couldn't really imagine it.  But I think I'm beginning to.

You're ok

I'm a little scared today, to be alone.  But today, perhaps more than before, I'm starting to realize that it's not the "alone" part that's the bigger deal, it's the "scared" part.  Or the "sad" part, or whatever it is.  Because I know I can feel that way when I'm not alone, too.

I'm beginning to understand what the different feelings I have mean.  If my stomach feels a certain way, maybe it means I'm hungry.  If it feels a certain other way, maybe it means I have anxiety.  And similar to that, maybe if I feel a certain way, it means I simply have emotions that are bouncing around inside, with nowhere to go.  That's why it's tempting, to wish that someone else were there, so that they could have somewhere to be received.

But like, just because another human being is there with you doesn't mean your emotions and thoughts will just settle down and magically go to some better place.  Being with someone brings its own emotions, too, right?  It brings new emotions for you, and also new emotions for them.  Connection can be a wonderful thing.  But we live lives where we cannot be in a constant state of connection, no matter how many different "friends" you may have on each social media platform.

I could tell sometimes, that I was trying to distract myself from my emotions, even though I knew what they were.  At other times, I try to sympathize with myself for them.  Sometimes it helps to just talk at myself about them.  We are all human.  We all have feelings, needs, and desires.  And at each moment, there are so many of them that can't possibly be fulfilled.

What will you do with those feelings?  What would "she" do?

5 out of 5

When I'm evaluating my overall state of being and happiness, I usually find it easiest to go with a 5-point scale...

A 3 out of 5 is the default score.  Notably, 3/5 is above 50%, so it feels like it's "generally, slightly positive".  Things aren't great, but they aren't bad either.  They're just "good" in a normal way.  Doing the things that I normally do.  Getting some amount of forward progress done -- not necessarily on many things, but one or two things, at least.

A 4 out of 5 is not entirely uncommon, but still something to be celebrated.  It either means I'm having a really good period of my life, or just that the day itself went well.  Maybe I was able to do a good mix of the things that make me feel accomplished and good (writing letters, working on my game, doing art, cooking).  Maybe I just really enjoyed some nice white tea.  Maybe I went to a social dance event and it went well.  Or maybe I hung out with a friend and it was nice.

A 2 out of 5 usually means something is wrong.  It could be something discrete, like being stressed about something coming up, or feeling sick, or not having enough time.  But often the "2 out of 5" days are the days where I'm just feeling that slight dissatisfaction with life.  A lot of the time it manifests as long-term mild loneliness or depression -- depression of the type that makes normally-fun activities and daily life seem not as exciting or pleasant.  But sometimes it could just be that I kind of let the day while away and didn't get to any of the things that really give me sustenance.

The 1 out of 5 days are, thankfully, rare, at least nowadays.  It usually means something particularly bad happened, usually of an emotional sort in nature, but every once in a while it could be something physical too, like covid or having an allergic reaction or whatever.  Strings of 1 out of 5 days are almost unheard of, but they have happened.  Usually those are the big disasters in life -- the things that end up forming into trauma afterwards.  I can think of a few times when that happened, and they were really bad.

Every once in a while you get a 5 out of 5 day, too.  These are probably as rare as the 1 out of 5 days.  Sadly, sometimes they don't get remembered as much in a specific sense, but that's because in order to be this happy it's not necessarily the case that something specific has to be happening.  It's not like the 5 out of 5 days only happen on special occasions, rather, it's a matter of things really lining up in life to make it happen.  It's really easy to call a day a 4 out of 5, it's much more rare to really go all the way and say it was a 5 out of 5.  Often the fact that my day =can= be a 5 out of 5 is already something to celebrate, because so often life has some negative factor or other that seems to simply precludes it in the first place on most days.  The nature of happiness means that consecutive 5 out of 5s don't really tend to happen very often, but it has been possible, too.

Today...was one of those rare days.  Again, it's not even so much the day itself that deserves celebration, but rather the fact that life is in a place where it's even possible to reach this level of overall happiness and satisfaction.

Look at me

I will never pass for a perfect bride...

...or a perfect daughter

Balancing / Fanime 2025 / Self-Worth / Burnout

Life is indeed, like a balancing act.  But the analogy extends to more than just the act of weighing different parts of life against each other, trying to find the right equilibrium for yourself.  Sometimes, life throws unexpected things at us.  If we are already struggling to find our balance, it's more likely that we'll drop what we are carrying as we scramble to catch these things.  And when we do, it takes more effort to bend down and pick back up the pieces that it does to simply maintain something that was already in harmony.

Sometimes you need to adjust your balance.  Other times you might need to move to a new location.  It turns out that walking (or running) while doing a balancing act is hard, too.  Sometimes you have things that are securely buckled down, things that you are holding onto tightly such that you know they won't fly away.  But not everything is like that.  When you need to, what will you do?  Will you walk more slowly so that you can keep things steady?  Will you try to tilt the tower in the direction of your goal, and then run after them to catch up?  Will you put something down, to lighten your load and let you move more easily?

=====

I didn't really write about Fanime 2024, but I guess I can say a few words about this year.  Fanime 2023 continued a trend of being "chill".  This year continued a different trend where my experience has become more and more about supporting and celebrating those friends of mine who staff at Fanimaid Cafe.  And I didn't really have a problem with that, really.  I was happy to lie low and to "condense" the other parts of my con experience.  All in all, I had a surprising amount of success with that.  I played some TGM2+ and got doubles clears with A-zu-ra and Kitaru, including a new PB (by like, 1-2 seconds, after 12 years lol).  I didn't spend a ton of time shopping, but I browsed a bit and picked up some nice things.  I stopped by Sakuradragon's booth as well and had a nice time chatting with the folks there.

Thanks to me not really spending as much time wandering the halls (or maybe just a sign of the times...) there was only one person who stopped me for a photo, but it was someone who was happy to see Journey representation and we chatted a little bit; I told them about the yearly anniversary event that happens and how I still try to play every year (....though I haven't been these days, sigh).

So yeah.  It was good...it was enough.

=====

There's been a lot of internal work and struggles, confronting sadness and all that, about self-worth.  I don't really know what to write about it here, I guess I've sort of touched on it a little bit already.  I always knew that I easily take things personally, that I have a lot of insecurities, all that stuff, but I think what really hit hard for me was the thought of "what would it be like to think that I'm enough" and having a lot of trouble even visualizing or comprehending what that is like.  I don't know if I've like =never= felt that way, but it feels so foreign and out of reach to me now and I was =sad= about that, like downright sad.

And it's not like the thoughts and feelings around this are anything new, I've already =done= a lot of feeling sad about being discarded, or being unloved, or all the frustrations that my younger self had, blahblahblah.  But just because I've done a lot of feeling sad about that doesn't necessarily mean I'm =done= feeling sad about them, and also doesn't necessarily mean that I've healed from those wounds either.

It takes work to heal from those things.  Maybe a lot of the time we don't think about it because like, it seems like the natural way that the body works is to be all resilient and heal from things gradually -- almost automatically -- over time.  Wounds close and even if there is some scarring there, things get fixed up, patched up.  But like, I had a surgery many years ago and there's actually a part of myself that maybe hasn't fully "healed" yet, it's something that if I want to ever restore it actually requires active effort.  And like, I don't know if that will ever happen, actually, but shouldn't I be trying to do that, not just letting it be?

=====

I may not have learned how to be in a healthy two-way relationship from all of those letters I wrote to all those people, but I did learn a thing or two along the way about my side of relationships.  What it's like to put in effort, what it's like to put in =too much= effort.  There is this really natural tendency that when a relationship is not working out I just want to put more into it in order to "fix" it.  The problem is that there is this point where I just don't actually have enough capacity and positive energy around it, and it just ends up burning me out and making me bitter.

I've learned to recognize that feeling and to try and rein myself in, but it's still a difficult balance to strike at times.  Because there =is= merit to making sure that you push yourself to show up in relationships during the times when it isn't necessarily the most easy or "fun" and all that.  Being deliberate and consistent and all that has always been one of my strengths.  But as I said, there is still a point when putting more into the relationship makes it worse, not better.  It's something that I'm trying to be mindful of.  I've certainly been on both sides of that balance, I think.  There was times when I put too much effort into my Christmas letters and felt really bad.  But then there was also a time when I put too =little= effort into my Christmas letters and felt really bad.  It took me some calibration to find what was best for me.

And it's...complicated.  I still have complicated feelings about all that energy and effort that I spent back then.  I have complicated feelings about how I don't spend as much effort now as I did before.  Is it "good" or "bad"?  I think it's easier to say that it's "good", but I also don't think it makes sense to just place a value judgment on it.  I think it's because it's not obvious to me anymore what a "good" relationship is like.  Maybe that is in itself a sign of maturity (?), that I don't think that is a trivial answer, because maybe it just depends.  Just like it seems like a folly to chase after "rules" for relationships because isn't the whole point of a successful relationship that it's tailored to bring happiness to the actual people who are a part of it?

On feeling like shit

This is probably not what you think it's about, but...sometimes we make mistakes, and it's like, yeah, we shouldn't be rewarding the people that make mistakes, right?  We call them out for a reason?

But like, think about all the times when you made mistakes in your life, what was the thing that you needed most then?  Sometimes you need humility, yes, but what about all those times when you needed forgiveness, grace, acceptance even?  When was it that you felt most motivated to pick yourself back up, admit that you could do better, and feel good about it?

What if becoming a better person didn't involve feeling like shit first?

 

This is a weird and perhaps hidden (insiduous?) problem with our online spaces, it usually doesn't feel like the right move to offer forgiveness, grace, and acceptance because when we're in these spaces everything falls down to the lowest common denominator and if there is something to be taken advantage of, it will.  That random stranger on the other side of the interaction has as little accountability toward you as you have patience for them, and so perhaps it just "makes sense" to adopt an antagonistic attitude because that's been proven to at least illicit a response, regardless of if it effects positive change.

And it's like...feeling like a piece of shit DOES work, it =does= make you want to change.  But not only does it not feel great, it also comes with all of these nasty long-term side effects, ones that I'm sure you've all realized a thing or two about (if not, maybe a therapist can tell you about it).

It's sad because some of us don't even need the other person telling us we're shit, we tell it to =ourselves= whenever we make a mistake, and what then?  There's no such thing as a safe space to make a mistake anymore, because there's always someone there to judge us for it.  And so we just live life in a way such that we just never feel like we're making any mistakes anymore.  Maybe we learn to stubbornly ignore everything that goes wrong and assert that we're always right.  Maybe we learn to just work three times harder than anyone else, we learn to prepare for every possibility so that nothing will go wrong.  Or maybe we just learn to never try anything that we don't already have a guarantee of success at.

I want to believe there's a better way, even though I've never really known one.  But I think it takes time, and love.  A lot of love, from a lot of people.  One in particular.  Maybe not the one you're thinking of.

And even as I say these things, like "you are enough" and "you are loved" it still doesn't erase the feelings of not being enough, of not being loved.  Sometimes you just won't feel like it.  Or, maybe, you never did in the first place.

What is it like to be the one left out?  And what is the path to redemption?  Will you forge an identity off of being a loner?  Will you resolve to be better, try harder next time?  Will you tell the world that you don't want anyone else to have to feel this way?  Or will you simply be sad, because it was painful?

What can you do for that person who feels like nobody valued them?  What can you do for the person that you don't love, but who needs love?  What is it that you need to feel whole again?  And who are the ones that can offer it to you?

You are enough, even as you look at all the things you can't do.

You are loved, even if you need to remind others to show it.

You will be cared for, even if you need to ask for it.

You don't need to change, even when you fail.

You deserve the best, even though you won't offer it to yourself.

 

Black in MtG is a self-centered and self-focused color.  The focus on "self" is actually more of a secondary point, but stands in contrast to White as I think that is the axis on which they are opposed (good for one vs. good of the group).  Black's aim is "power" and often we see that as not being virtuous because of all the associations with one person having too much power (and focusing only on themselves).  It's easier to see the problems with "too much" of Black (corruption, amorality) vs the problems with "too much" of White (disregard for individuals, dogmatism).

Correspondingly, it's also harder to pick out the positive traits associated with a self-focus.  Things like independence, self-sufficience, and yes, perhaps even self-care.  I think most people don't associate with Black as a color because of what I already mentioned, but funnily enough I think Slytherin house did a better job of making those ideals seem a little more approachable despite the house being super maligned.  I mean, that makes sense; Black spells are full of things like monsters and devils and decay whereas Slytherin might have a bunch of people of questionable character but at least they're human and there's a wide variety of them (some which you'd hope are not so one-dimensional).

Marco (from Animorphs) would probably be the one most aligned with Black.  It's not so much that he's self-centered, but more that he's willing to sacrifice other things in the interest of self -- "self" extending to the people he cares about.  It's a more personal definition of community and humanity rather than an abstract one.  He "sees the bright clear line" and I think that to me is a symbol of "ruthlessness" (I guess that trait is associated with Sultai, the wedge centered around Black).

Rachel would be Red for sure.  Ax, blue.  Which leaves White and Green for cassie, jake, and tobias.  Tobias makes more sense for green than Cassie, but I think Tobias feels more conflicted with this aspect than he draws strength from it.  Cassie I think would be White, and Jake...well, maybe he's just special.

Anyways..........

If I could give advice to my younger self, I...wouldn't.  The thing that my younger self needed was...support, during the times when it was hardest.  And by that I really mean compassion during the moments where they were most vulnerable and tender.  How many times did I reach my hand out only to be batted away?  How many times was I thrown off a cliff to fend for myself amongst the wolves?

Where was the gentle voice, telling me "it's okay"?  Where was the helping hand, reminding me that I'm not alone?

"It's not so hard", you say, which rings true to me in my heart, but also doesn't capture just how hard it IS, how long it has taken to reach even this point that feels not even a fraction of the way up the mountain (which, of course, is not the point, anyways).

NY trip, Maybe Happy Ending, etc.

It's not so hard to let somebody in
Just think how long it's been
Since somebody made you smile

....we're back.  We done good...it was a good trip.

There are many things and I don't think a full-on report is in order, but I'll try to touch on the highlights, at least.

I was staying in Manhattan for a relative's wedding.  Was initially thinking that I'd do what I normally do and stay at somewhat modern airbnb for 1-2 people and cook for myself and have a peaceful time, but ended up not doing any cooking actually; maybe if I had a bit less plans like I have during some of my other trips to the East Coast...

The food I did have was real good for the most part though!  Wasn't exactly sure what to expect but actually just a striking concentration of good ethnic food (is it a faux pas to use "ethnic" in this context?  I  know using "ethnic" as an instrument category is definitely iffy...).  Had some okay ramen (alright, not the best, I'm sure there was better, but it was close by), went to a nice Izakaya place.  Had some palak paneer at an Indian place, I actually like mine better hehe.  It's pretty interesting seeing how different the general palak / saag dishes can be, this one was quite on the creamy/liquid side but I've had them that were more coarsely blended / had more texture and a deeper flavor as well.

Probably the most exciting meal was when I had green pepper mao xue yang at a sichuan restaurant, what a surprise to find that!  Duck blood, eel, beef tripe / throat, bean sprouts...wish I had like 3 other people so that we could split it and also order something else to feel like a more balanced meal, but I also just kinda felt like I had to get it, just because...

The wedding itself was fun!  I made some conversation with some strangers, ordered a tequila sunrise (which prompted multiple people to ask me what it was and order one too), did some glowsticking, etc etc.  The food at the wedding was tasty too, I enjoyed it!

I went to see "Maybe Happy Ending", a seemingly not-well-known yet also widely lauded (weird...) musical that I'd sum up in one word as being about "love", I guess in two words I'd sum it up as the title of one of the numbers, "Why Love?"  I don't think I care to overanalyze the work or anything, but it came to me at a pretty relevant time in my life I guess -- I don't mean because love is in my life, I mean just more generally because I think I've "been around the block" at least once when it comes to love...I think it's pretty clear that MHE explores different sides of love, and different kinds of love too.  Romance, sure, but also heartbreak.  And the "honeymoon period" not just as it applies to a romantic partner but perhaps also to life, and perhaps how the question of "why love" ends up having different answers once that is over.

I don't think MHE plays in that much the same space as Princess Kaguya, but they tangentially touch on this same idea of "life (or love, attachment, whichever)" leading to inevitable sadness.  Love ends, life ends too, there's that whole idea of "life being ephemeral" with the fleeting sakura blossoms and all.  And yet we find ourselves investing anyways.  Maybe Happy Ending I think posits a much different flavor of answers to "why love", I feel like Princess Kaguya doesn't really "answer" the question per se, because it didn't really have to -- it just showed me that I =already= believed in life and all it had to do really was "remind" me of that.

Maybe Happy Ending was both subtle and intimate yet also intense and wrenching.  It's on the shorter side yet also made me think about it for a while.  It's this interesting little thing, almost paradoxical to me when I think about it too much.  Like, I thought it was somewhat predictable yet not stale at all.  Somewhat cheesy but...actually not, like it felt really real too!  I'm not sure exactly how to talk about it other than I sure appreciated being able to see it.  It's not like when I talked about Tunic and I was like OKAY GUYS here is why I felt incredibly moved by this ahhhhhhhhhh.  I was touched by Maybe Happy Ending too, I think it's just a less grandiose sort of thing for me personally, but still just as important.

Helen Shen (Claire)'s songs really did a lot of the emotional heavy lifting for me, though honestly I think a good handful of the songs in general really did have something very resonant in them for me personally.  Like I said, it was a nice time for me to encounter it.

Speaking of nice things!  The other big highlight of the trip was going to drink tea!  This is my first time going out to find tea shops on my own while traveling and it was the best thing ever!  I definitely overcaffeinated myself and got tea drunk/high after spending like 5 hours across two different tea shops.  It was so lovely, I felt totally at home and so content that I could find such a nice and peaceful experience even in an unfamiliar city.  I was so grateful for the quiet time I shared...

I didn't get a ton of "work" done during the trip, but wasn't really intending to, anyways.  I recorded a bunch of input files for my alttpr timings/videos, so I'll have to go through and leverage those once I'm back at home proper.  Also did some actual practicing on just boots movement and strats, and three casual boots seeds -- one where I FFed out after screwing up and dying in GT, one that I didn't finish due to the flight ending, but the third one I did on the return flight back home and that one felt great -- did it without a tracker and performed admirably for where I'm at!

I did some more game theory number crunching / programming for that as well, just to kind of appease my own curiosity with the whole "how aggressively do I want to play", and it seems like "skip EVERYTHING" isn't necessarily the answer all the time, but it's more of a sliding scale based on all of the different variables that we as rando players already track in our heads.  So I think I'm back to thinking that I should play kind of how I was playing before I started thinking I should just skip ALL slow checks.  But this whole exercise has given me better understandings of like, what checks =should= I look to skip and how much do they cost me?  Etc.  In any case, the one race I'm going to put on is something where I'm a little more incentivized to skip aggressively because the more people there are in the race the more you want to be aggressive because you're not going to come in first as often otherwise. 

But that stuff is for another day.  For today, we can do a little bit of patting ourselves on the back.  I think we did okay.  The next thing coming up is Fanime, and then the Mentor tournament (and JaSmix planning.....).  I'm feeling not the greatest about the JaSmix stuff, I'm going to have to remind myself to take it easy with that and just take it step by step.  Mentor tournament should be fun though, I'm looking forward to that for sure!  And Rhythm Quest will just have to take a backseat to it all as usual.  That's fine...it's life.  It's =my= life, at that.

So far so good......

Pandora's Box

There has only been one time in my life, I think, that I felt that I was "not me".  I couldn't =possibly= be me, because everything felt so, so wrong.  Even during the war-scarred times when I had to step outside of my own body and dissociate, I never really felt like I lost my sense of self.  But at that time I felt like an imposter, a foreigner who had stepped in and somehow was in the wrong place, living in the place of the real me.  The only thing I hoped is that the real version of me would come back somehow.  I felt guilty for taking their place, for messing everything up, for not being able to do any of the things that they would be able to do.

Now, even at the end of it all, I am still me, deep down.  Even if you don't know it, I do.  I can feel it not only in my strength but also in my weakness.  In my cries for help and my despair, in my laugh and in my smile.  All of it comes from who I am, and more importantly, who I have been.

If I pray to God will he accept my shame?  What is the difference between forgiveness from God and forgiveness from self?  We are laid bare, have no secrets from God, but what of our own selves?  What are the secrets that we keep from ourselves, tucked away in the little boxes that we know are there, somewhere in the back of our minds, but choose to ignore.  Inconvenient little truths that we aren't ready to look in the eye, even when no one else is watching, why?

Perhaps it is because we don't want to disappoint ourselves, our own ego.  And who could blame us?  The relationship with one's self is ever-present, ever-important.  If we reject our own self then we face constant rejection.  And we know, more than anyone else, how judgmental, how unforgiving, how uncompromising our selves can be, why?

Which hurts more, rejection from self or rejection from others?  We reject ourselves to preempt a "failed product" from reaching the outside world, but at what cost?  Do those "failed products" only find value on the second-hand market, in the back-alley trade of life?  What would it be like, for them to find a home, at home?  What would life be like, if we kept ourselves safe?

And yet, we trudge on, constantly in search of elusive fantasies.  The call of the siren, the anglerfish's lure, the desert oasis.  Searching for the "other keys" that will unlock the boxes we tuck underneath our bed, even though such a thing does not exist.  Those keys rust at the bottom of the river, lost but not forgotten.

Is it worth opening?  Pandora's box.  Without it, there is no such thing as hope in this world.

There is strength in consistency, I know that better than anyone.  If you're never changing, then your past successes will tend to repeat themselves over and over again.  By fine-tuning my course and adjusting things very slightly through iterations, I can get myself on track to do what I always want to do -- have life trend slowly but steadily in a positive direction, across all of the short, medium, and long term.

What's scary is when you realize that if you're never changing, your failures and shortcomings can also repeat themselves over and over again.  Probably everyone has some sort of worry that they "can't change what's broken about them", but I do wonder if it's particularly paralyzing because I've demonstrated a keen lack of and resistance to change in the past.

Then again, this whole past year has a been a year where my bubble of comfort has expanded at a faster pace that I'm really used to; at a somewhat alarming pace, really, sometimes.  Is that "enough" for me to go by, enough for me to believe in, to have faith in?

I've run away in the past too, I've failed to empathize in the past too, I've disregarded humanity in the past as well.  What is to say that I won't just keep doing these things?

I think in the past I've had various strategies for dealing with these sorts of fears, these sorts of shortcomings.  One of them is trying to accept myself as I am (before trying to change at all).  Like, what =if= I never get better at all?  What if I keep on making these mistakes, what if I keep doing these bad things?  Does that also make me, in turn, a mistake, or a bad thing?  Or is that simply a normal facet of anyone who is human?  We know that nobody is perfect after all, everyone makes mistakes.  Is it better, then, for those mistakes that you make to be the same ones all the time, or different ones each time?

What if I could only heal ONE of these things?  Wouldn't that already be a drastic improvement?  Running away...this is something that I feel like I've been making real progress on.  Even the "silly" kind of running away, I'm beginning to understand from a different perspective a little more.  And the more "serious" kind of running away...I'm not sure about exactly how much has shifted on that one, but I can't help but think that it has.

It's always weird.  We analyze our own shortcomings so well, but become so fixated on them that we almost need to justify them in order to move forward sometimes.  It's so difficult to hold the truths in our heart, that we are both flawed, but also capable of being accepted.  And when my mind goes down this chain of thought, my conclusion is always "I must not love those who are flawed, do I?"  Because why else would my mind assume that I'm not loved if I'm flawed?  Perhaps, maybe, possibly, that is the cardinal mistake at the root of it all.  Heh, I don't think it is, but it certainly is a deep cut, isn't it?  Not feeling loved when you feel flawed.

There is, however, a path to forgiveness.  Self-forgiveness.  I think beyond understanding what you did wrong, I think probably the step toward forgiveness is to understand the (probably valid) reasons why you did what you did.  What was the conflict of interest?  What was the misconception that you had?  The missing information?  Was there something that you believed that wasn't true?  Did you run out of capacity for doing the right thing?  The "flawed" part of you is, on some level, only rational.  What was the missing piece of information?  And how can we integrate it into that system, if at all...?

Big Dance 2025

I think I've got like, two different blog posts in me (making up for lost time, maybe?), but let's start with a blurb about Big Dance first.

Link to the last one for continuity: https://ddrkirbyisq.blogspot.com/2024/05/big-dance-2024-viennese-ball-2024-etc.html

Well, that's another year in the books!  It was an interesting Big Dance for me in a few regards, but also a really good one.  This was my 10th all-nighter, I'm really getting up in the years now...it's kind of interesting, always, seeing who ends up sticking around in the community vs who ends up leaving.  I feel like you can't really ever predict it sometimes.  There are certain people who I feel like you =know= are still going to be there every year, but even some of the older folks who have scored more all-nighters than me, they come and go as well.  What's extra weird is the people who started during the covid years (when we didn't have any all-nighters) -- they're significantly my junior, like by many years, yet they only have a few less all-nighters than I do.

The Bridgerton theme really worked well for this year's big dance, so I guess kudos to the team for going with that.  With Big Dance themes a lot of the time we've had stuff like Avatar:TLA and such where some people go for some legit costumes but most other people kinda don't get to contribute or participate in that aspect.  With Bridgerton everyone just came dressed nicely, like some sort of mini-VBall or something (actually seemed quite similar to Bon Bon Ball), so that was nice.

It was a warm night and there were quite a lot of people there early on, but as always, the crowd thinned out as the night went on.  I unfortunately missed out on doing Dawn Mazurka this year, but that's ok -- there's always next time.  Overall I think I danced a pretty "ok" amount, had one or two very good/memorable dances which is all I can really ask for.  I feel like I had more conversations than I usually do, I.........really feel the change in myself, asking people about themselves and trying to speak openly about things with them.  It's interesting because when I got to Big Dance I was preoccupied with other things weighing down on my mind and at one point I really wondered what was going to happen to me, like was I just going to be kinda quiet and off to myself the entire night because I was feeling off?  It certainly =seemed= like something that could have happened...I've noticed that the Stanford scene isn't always the easiest for me to feel comfortable asking people to dance.  But eh, what scene is...?  Haha.  Maybe it's all the same...

But no, yeah, as the night went on I found the weight being lifted off my shoulders a bit, I started feeling happy about just being there and being part of something special that I've been able to join in on so many times before.  All of our special traditions like the Lullaby Gauntlet, Chicken Dance, Hamster Dance, everything was really great.   I think after sitting down and celebrating all of our all-nighters and triple crowns and everything and then doing chicken dance, there is just this really special feeling...I meant to talk about it a little bit in my last post but forgot.  But after sharing that experience with everyone and seeing the sky brightening and all that, it's always a special time in the wee hours of five-something in the morning.  Somehow it really uplifted my spirits.

I started the night with a more Bridgerton-appropriate dress, but I changed midway through to the same trusty outfit that I've worn to pretty much every Big Dance I've been to.  The cute hooded shirt (one of the cutest that I have, haha) over a long sleeved white shirt, and the navy blue skirt that I initially sewed by hand for VBall way way way back when, before I had anything super elegant to wear.  The zipper on that skirt recently totally gave out and I ended up sewing a brand new one onto it...but yeah, those pieces of clothing are still with me.  Reminders of a time really early in my time of exploring different clothing styles, as well as exploring social dance.

It's good to still be here.

Always feels a bit weird to write about the big stuff here, which is why it generally doesn't happen very often.  Been busy too, which probably contributes to it, but I feel like no matter what kind of time I'm going through, a return to something I've always done is always healing.  It's one of my "potions", as I told someone recently.

I know that everything will be okay...that's something that I didn't quite believe in once, but I guess I do now.  Age and experience will do that, I guess, but also some degree of...self-reliance?  No, more like, faith in my relationship with my self, I guess.  It's not quite so much that I just don't need anybody else, more that I've learned that in the absence of those "vital" things, I can still give myself the strength, care, energy, even excitement, to live on and "fight" another day.

It's been a bit of a challenge to fit everything in, recently, but this was something I already knew was coming, saw it a mile away ever since I thought about the different things that were coming my way this spring.  I guess...somehow, things kinda happened this way to me last spring, too, haha, even though it was a different (similar?) set of things that happened to me.  This time with the Bunny Burn, the trip to New York, my GCC dance, in addition to Fanime, and the other stuff.

My GCC dance went okay, I rested a lot easier after having taken care of that, after having tried to plan out my lesson and figure out how to deliver it.  It wasn't an event that really popped off, which is interesting because somehow I feel like I already had an intuitive sense that that would happen; I found myself wondering how many people would actually show up, and whether I was putting in too many songs for my setlist (ended up cutting out a small handful on the fly...).

That aspect was like, maybe kinda disappointing?  But I can't really =feel= disappointed, I feel like this event, along with the event that I went to a week earlier, made me feel an "actual" sense of community in the dance scene for maybe some of the first times, ever.  So, big milestone for me, really, I think.

Community is this interesting nebulous word/feeling.  I think I've talked before about a sense of community as "a place you belong" but how that can both be "I'm similar to all of these people", versus "I'm different than all of these people but I feel like that difference is respected and celebrated".  It's easy for me, (and moreover, all of us) to feel "different" or "other", just by the very nature of being in our own two shoes and not those of anybody else...I've wondered at times, whether it's futile to seek out groups of people where you feel like you're really the same as everyone else.  But at the same time, there is something about being with people who "get it", even if their exact understanding or tastes or beliefs are different.  I was talking about this with a close friend the other day, about how some people are just "___" people (for various variants of "___").

I'm not sure I've felt that way about dance, really.  Like, yeah, there is sort of a shared appreciation of social dancing, but the exact ways in which people appreciate and enjoy it and what they aspire to is...really so different across people.  But there is this other sense of community too, the sense of being supported.  =That= is what I felt for the first time in my umpteen years of being with social dance, and I was thinking back, really thinking back on all of the times in which I "could have used" that support but just =couldn't= bring it into my life because I was just both incapable and unwilling.

There were countless other times when I was struggling with things in my life and went to dance, and out of those times there were many instances where people tried their best to connect with me, tried to extend a hand or bring a smile or just...going out on a limb trying to do something.  They probably weren't certain what exactly I needed but I think I wasn't really either and I think the thing is that almost =nothing= at that point really would have gotten through to me, I just wasn't ready, wasn't able.  I wanted to be saved, to be rescued, but more as a concept than as an actual thing that would happen.  I didn't have the words to connect with others nor the experience to receive that connection.

It's been a long time since then...but, I mean, it always feels good to try at something again and again and again and finally find some success, right?  That is, after all, the way that I really try to live my life.  And somehow, eventually, it may bear fruit.

 

 

It's going ok!  I'm somehow hanging in there despite juggling the different things happening in my life.  The week(s) after coming back from my work trip were when I was feeling emotionally low, and the week leading up to Pagan Bunny Burn was when I was feeling like I wasn't on top of things anymore.

It's good to have at least a partial reversal of that.  I may not be on top of everything, but I'm no longer behind -- surprisingly, actually.  The emotional lows are gone too, thanks to some care and support from...all around me, to be honest.  Even the weather seemed to turn a new page and welcome me with some respite from the shining sun, reminding me that yes, things can still be good.

It was an okay day today.  I didn't eat that much in the afternoon, but made a somewhat successful dinner, had some white tea, and finished up my pixel art drawing for the month, which also meant that I handled the monthlies album release.  Fixed a few bugs for Rhythm Quest as well...

The GCC dance I'm hosting is coming up in less than a week!  To be completely honest, I've not that much idea how it will go.  Like, I'm doing all the things I remember doing before, when I hosted these types of events, but in the end I can't help but find myself wondering, "how many people are actually going to show up to this thing", along with "do people still like these dances and songs..."  Well, I guess better to find these things out at this event than at JaSmix, heh.

Putting together the setlist has been an interesting experience, for some reason it feels like 3 hours is so long, whereas before I felt like I always had too many songs for the time.  Maybe it's because as I go on I trim more and more (which is just a good practice anyways), maybe it's because I've gotten more picky and choosy about exactly what I want to play.  Or maybe I'm a little hesitant and conservative because I don't feel 100% plugged into the crowd.  It was a little simpler before we started doing Bachata and Merengue as part of the intro series.  And when we had more of a lindy hopper presence, I guess.  It's nice that we have more WCS interest, but even then, I walk this tightrope between things that would be enjoyed by the deep-into-wcs crowd vs the people who are just kinda adjacent to it.  Then again, maybe that's always been the case and it's just been a while for me.

Well, at least I'm making progress towards something.  It's this and the lesson plan that need to come together this week, and...fortunately, I'm feeling like there is time enough to do it all.  If worse comes to worst I'll skip out on MCS this week, but I don't really see needing to; it would be nice, actually, if I can get things at least halfway ironed out before then.

Did this past week's ALTTPR run and it was...okay, I didn't really get to explore my new hypotheses/routing strategies much at all, but that's fine.  There's always next time after all.  After this GCC dance I feel like (besides ever more Rhythm Quest work) one of the main things I'll be focusing on in my time between things going on (like another trip coming up) is ALTTPR, both getting ready for the kickoff race I'll be in in June but also compiling more data and resources, for both myself and my future mentees.

Unfortunately, I'm getting to bed late again, but at least I seem to be holding onto a good deal of hope in these coming times.  Sometimes I get a twinge of the urge to just "give in" and focus on nothing more than what I actually want, but, for now, I guess I still have some healthy energy to be my good ol self, trying to keep steady.

The Greeks believed that the gods had human emotions, flaws, and forms.  They are not only deceitful, but often tricked as well.  I guess by definition, it is like that in my temple of prayer as well.  Perhaps it makes them more relatable, more understandable.  Perhaps that helps in beginning to understand the skill of recognizing the context that someone else's action is going through as different than your own.

My last post was about Kuromi...a special case among the rest of the Sanrio crew in terms of being more than a one-sided character.  She's flawed...not in the way that, for example, Wish Me Mell is "flawed" by being shy, but more in that she has been through hardship and come out the other side.  Her messaging can sometimes be...presented a little shallowly, in terms of "I'm cool, and bad".  But I personally believe there's more to it.  The English lyrics to "Greedy Greedy" talk about "Let's break the rules" and "I do what I want, say what, I rule!" but I think the Japanese version has (as expected) a different tone.  "Transform into the best version of yourself", "Watashi wa watashi yo".  You can feel that instead of simply "breaking the rules for its own sake", Kuromi wants to find her own strength after being tossed away.  "I want to love myself more and more".

And I think regardless of whether she's "right" or not, I think that is a relatable feeling.  The sense of empowerment that comes from realizing that "me" is important, and worth asserting.

When you leave an offering in Tunic, it's received, but as a "false delusion".  Perhaps, a reminder of glory once sought.  The inner sanctum, there, too, contains a god that is...perhaps, flawed in a way, or tricked, or at the very least, trapped.  It is only through a special kind of connection that you can aid each other.

I'm not entirely sure, at the moment, what form my "prayers" take in the temple.  At the end of Actraiser, the angel brings you to visit the shrine at Northwall and you see that there are no people there.  "People may be most happy when not in need of help from their master, or when they have forgotten him?"

I don't think it's a bad thing if the temple is not some thing that I maintain on the daily, or something like that.  It's not really that kind of, religion, so to speak.  It's different, I think.  I mean, it's an inner sanctum after all.

Let's KUROMIfy the World.

TOGETHER let's dream
without fear

Today, let’ s make a promise to be forever uniquely ourselves.

As charming and cheeky, or as bold and brave.

You are AMAZING in every way.

TOGETHER let’s dream without fear and believe beyond the universe.

The world is ours to explore!

In the end there will be times when I am by someone's side and feel alone.  But in the same vein, there will be times when I am far away from anyone and feel connected.  The difference is not in the situation but in myself.

I've always thought of impacting life through a series of small everyday decisions.  We know that this is how dieting works, how studying works, how exercise works, how mental and emotional growth works.  Those times when you stumble upon a "life-changing revelation", or more likely, when someone writes "Why?" on a post-it note, are perhaps simply a culmination of those small instrumented changes over time.  We are constantly affecting and effecting who we are in these moments, this is why consistency is such an easy road for me to take; it ensures that I am always working toward the same things.

Things become so much harder when the past does not give me the answer.  But the inertia of all of the previous moments is somehow the impetus for me to continue picking out the dots to connect.  How could I ever blame myself, and all of my past selves, for simply following upon the path?

I've often described the experience of being a Taurus as picking a direction and continuing to go in that direction, even after the road curves.  Of course, sometimes there are barriers at the edge of the road that we end up barrelling through.  But sometimes it's more like a cliff or a mountain, and it's in those instances that we are forced to divert ourselves.  The question then is what happens when we come out on the other side, do we feel like we should retrace our steps to the same north star that we once followed, or was our trajectory altered in a way that instills us with a new sense of what is forward?

Somehow, though, we set forth, and if things don't feel right, we find ourselves drifting into the right direction, almost as we are gently guided by a magnetic compass.  We look at where we came from, where we are at, and where we may be, and we draw the dotted line forward.  One dot at a time, like always.

I felt unexpectedly supported today.  It's easy to forget, I think, about the care of the people around us and how they want us to succeed and be happy.  This is, of course, because we have a human tendency to only want to see things that reinforce our existing internal narratives.  Sometimes, there's an element of self-fulfilling prophecy that comes into it, but even without that, the data points that are highlighted in our heads are the ones that make coherent sense with our own self-narrative.

It's no different in ALTTPR, cognitive bias is of course rampant in that sort of environment.  It really sticks out when you lose because you skipped a required location and then didn't go back to it until it was your last check.  What's less obvious is all the times when you skipped the same location and gained an incremental advantage, especially those times when you still lost.  Statistical analyses and big data are some of the best tools that we have for understanding the game theory of complex systems, yet there are scant few doing that sort of thinking in that community, even on the micro-level of "how should you route X dungeon" or even "which of these two checks takes longer".  Imagine a texas hold em player who never bothers looking at the expected win percentage of their hands...

Anyways, on the ALTTPR side I'm slowly coming to a realization that I might be on the verge of making a really big shift in my routing style.  It's something that I'm not sure whether I should commit to, so more data and testing is needed on my part, but everything I've looked at so far points in favor of it...

On the life side, I...like I said, I feel supported.  Which is strange, because it was quite recently that I feel like I wasn't really in the state of mind at all to receive that sort of energy.  I had figured that I needed to take care of myself first before I could come back out of my shell, and to some extent, that work still needs to be done, but I guess sometimes people really =can= reach out and pull you in, you're not always Too Far Gone to be saved.  There is positive energy out there, "community", even, perhaps.  I've always known that solitude can be super healing for me, but company can, too, sometimes.  Both in balance, I guess.

It's okay, I guess...

I spent a bunch of time today on Rhythm Quest stuff.  Wasn't particularly satisfying work, but it's something.  I'm a little antsy to try and get into a more regular cadence of working on the game again, since there is so much to do, but I have to make sure to pace myself as well, and try to just pick one thing to work on at a time...whatever feels right, I guess.

Did this week's ALTTPR run, I feel like I did..."ok".  It's real hard to keep on top of things and be thinking ahead, I feel like.  I almost wonder if I'm overcomplicating my routing a bit, I feel like I need to fall back on "flowcharted" decisions a little more so that I can ease the mental burden.  Dunno.

The next two days I shouldn't really be aiming to get too much done, so I'm going to try and sit with that instead of feeling like I'm behind at the end of it all, I guess.  I'm looking forward to doing my pixel artwork for the month at some point, I feel like that will be a nice way to just get something done peacefully.

Life is just kinda so-so, for sure.  Like, nothing is bad, but nothing seems to really be going super well either, it's just kinda...there.

Alright, let's do this...

Today was one of those days where it's easy to feel like I didn't really get anything done, despite actually accomplishing an "ok" amount.  Not stellar, not nothing, just "ok".  It's mostly because the stuff I did didn't really check off any of the boxes I was hoping to, just dealt with other stuff here and there.

I washed and dried my bedsheets and everything, which was long overdue, but while I was at it I realized that I had been in need for a new duvet insert/comforter for a while and decided to do some research; eventually settled on a combo 2-in-1 silk duvet insert set that hopefully will fit the bill.  I may also need a new pillow, but that's perhaps something to tackle a separate day.

I then spent a little time on music production stuff.  I've wanted to turn my attention a little more toward sampling, as I feel like that's an area that I could have more fun with and is a little underexplored for myself personally.  Back in February 2023 I had discovered "Bishbattles" hosted by Bishu and, while the idea of a sample-based competition/music cypher was not new at all, thought it was really cool how creative and diverse people's ideas were when it came to this sort of stuff.

I wasted some time just flipping through and listening to some of the stuff that came out of that, but also spent some time downloading a few new samples and presets, as well as some random stuff to either sample or remix if the opportunity ever arises (Arthur theme, Yu-Gi-Oh theme, etc lol).  I browsed some of the articles on EDMProd as well, they actually have some decent text/image guides with audio examples, which is such a rarity these days when everything is just a youtube tutorial...

For One Hour Compo I ended up doing a Liquid DnB tune, which turned out quite well!  I think it was in 2021 that I started doing experiments with Liquid DnB at all (that was the month where I tried synthwave and trap as well, what a good month for me!  The synthwave stuff really ended up panning out too...).  I feel like I've gotten a really good handle on it now, you can feel the difference when compared to my previous attempts.  Not that those songs were bad or anything, just, this one is a little more authentically liquid dnb, I think I understand a little more what goes into it and how to replicate it, as opposed to before when I was doing something more akin to "dnb drum loop, plus some echoey 9-bit stuff".

Did the groceries too, after a brief DDR session.  I barely had time to play DDR that much and only played singles, but I felt like it had been so long since I played at all and I really wanted some physical motion to get my body going and get some exercise for physical and mental health.  I know I just went to Mission City Swing last night and did some glowsticking there too, but still wanted to get some cardio in...

I ordered 3 new white teas from Grass People Tree a little while ago, excited for those to arrive whenever they can make it to me!

Finished another keyboard build for a friend!  (was waiting for an osume set to come back in stock, which it did!)  This one is a Womier SK65 (aka the Lucky65 v1, v2 comes with a nicer quick-release mechanism but is a little less aesthetically pleasing on the bottom, etc), I ended up having my friend audition a handful of switches and they liked either the KTT Strawberries or the HMX Gachapons I had on hand (with the stock switches coming in third).  Honestly wonder if they would have liked some silent linears, but I unfortunately don't have any on hand...

I went with the KTT Strawberries as that would let the light diffuse a little bit more since the housings are more transparent.  Cool that those switches ended up finding another home after all this time!  The keycaps are Osume Cafe, it's a really nice muted beige/green color scheme, easy on the eyes.

There were like a few other things that I was going to attempt today, like starting on my monthly pixel drawing or doing some Rhythm Quest work, but I just didn't manage to get to them at all.  I didn't really get around to playing the weekly ALTTPR seed or playing any MOO2 or anything like that either, though.

Well, tomorrow is another day off.  I'm hoping to both make some good use of the time but also not feel pressured to do so, lol.  I just...want things to be normal.  No really busy days, no big breaks, just...keeping things steady.

 

I guess some small notes on Pagan Bunny Burn -- I don't care to talk too much about it because I feel like I've been reporting on it to the past like 15 people I had conversations with.  Overall it went well, I think!  Only real bad thing that happened to me was that I was really cold the first night, and also got a cut on my finger, got pinched by one of my tent poles while doing some assembly, but luckily not too bad.  I was happy that people made use of my little letter-writing station, and cooking went "fairly good", not perfect really, but went okay.

Seeing the burn itself was pretty cool, honestly the smaller burn was pretty epic as well, the bigger one almost a little less so because the energy was a bit different, I don't really feel like everyone was really focused on it, lots of people chatting about various things.  I mean, a lot of us were probably just looking at the fire and the embers and all that, but it didn't really feel as unifying of an experience as when the smaller effigy/statue was burning =while= all of the fire poi and all was going on with the music and everything.  But it was cool nonetheless, it's probably the first time I've really seen any sort of flame on that scale (I guess I should count myself lucky).

There were some pretty cool camps there and I feel like I got to experience a good variety of things there -- pickle juice + whiskey shots, a sound bath, black light + 3d glasses exhibit.  Somebody set up a big light-up rubik's cube too, so I had a good time trying to solve it, though of course it was really hard wrapping my head around the controls and of course it's always really hard to translate muscle memory to moves as well.  Was cool to make that connection though, and be the one person at the event who could do a successful solve on it, as well as meet a few kiddos who were getting a bit into cubing.

It was a nice break from everything overall.  It was more fun and enriching than the Portugal trip (which makes sense), but also had the same sense of like, "this was cool, but I also could have lived without this, too".  I guess the Portugal trip was a little less "necessary" for me since I had already been there before and all, this one I felt glad to go.

Now I'm back to trying to make sure I'm catching up and getting back into doing all those things that I do -- groceries, cooking, rhythm quest, alttpr, pixel art, etc etc.  I've got a few other miscellaneous things to take care of too, like sewing a new zipper onto my skirt.  Have to figure out what I want to do with my letter boxes now as well, now that I have some boxes that are all set up for a letter-writing station that I =could= bring to Teance and just leave them as they are.  Dunno...

 

I've been in the background, mulling over like, thoughts about anxious / avoidant attachment behaviors, pain from previous relationships, feelings of insecurity and not-being-good-enough, all that stuff.  I feel like video/audio journaling is something that has seemed helpful for this kind of thing so far, so I may find a time at some point to do some more of that, particularly if I am feeling a little off one of these nights.  I want to get back to a place where my social connections and relations feel like they're thriving and bringing me joy, but at the same time it feels like even though I'm out of "self-preservation" mode after being done with PBB, I'm still sort of just in "self-care mode" where I don't feel like I really have had the time to truly care for myself.  And by that I mean like in various sorts of ways...yes, the cheesy "you are enough" self-love messages and thinking, but also just like, having the time and space to have self-care evenings, whether that means extra skincare, videogames, more tea, or whatever...

It's been another year, I guess -- it certainly feels like it.  A lot has happened...too much, in fact -_-;  I know "growth" is good and nice and all, and like yeah yeah you're supposed to move forward and gain new perspectives and all that, but really...this is not what I signed up for.