You are *happy campers*, but already you know.

it is *frumple* too much and we are *dancing* for *dissolving* the *campers*.

I am clear!!

You are not so *silly*!

I didn't do toooo bad, given how hard it was for me to even get out of bed in the morning.  After that whole struggle, I did manage to do the work I needed to do, take care of two meals, I solved a steamdeck issue for Rhythm Quest and finished up the easy/hard difficulty charting for level 4-4.  I didn't check on the chickies today; that'll have to wait until tomorrow when it should be less warm.  I'll also make a stop to the donations center and head to Teance to go work there -- either finishing up my pixel artwork or doing more Rhythm Quest charting probably, or maybe some letter writing.

I've been doing really good in ALTTPR after coming back to it.  The other day I ran one of the seeds from the gold sword bracket races that the top mentees are doing and beat the times there, and today I got what will probably be the fastest time in the /r/alttpr weekly.  Not to say that some amount of luck isn't involved in that, but I felt like I played well, too.  It's just a good feeling.

There's this weird feeling of balance between being "who you've always been" vs pushing yourself to be something different.  It's important because of the whole "what you do defines who you are" thing.  Honestly, it's...not always super difficult to find that balance, though.  I think sometimes you find that you're really just super aligned with what you want to do.  Those are the times when you don't even really think about it because everything just makes sense.  Sometimes you "already are" someone different, it's just not something you realized through action yet.

But then there are those times when you =think= you're super aligned with it because you "should" be, and then that's where things can get into trouble.  Sometimes you're just not ready, or sometimes you actually just don't want to.  "Fake it till you make it" can work sometimes, I mean it's good practice if nothing else, but like, that's not really just the answer all the time.  You can of course "work on" who you are, but you can't just shove everything else in the closet and expect it to just stay hidden forever right?

I mean, I wish my cooking could solve all my other problems for me, too (spoiler alert: even in Chef Hua, it doesn't).  I wish all the knowledge and skills I put into ALTTPR could help me feel a sense of self-worth.  But contrary to what you might lead yourself to believe you don't become a better partner just because you know more about dance.  You can't just master some craft and have it magically make your life better.  Maybe that is part of the fantasy of stories about spellcraft and sorcery -- you get to imagine what it's like to be in a world where being well-studied or powerful =does= affect your day to day life in all of these meaningful ways.  (Of course, the good ones aren't actually about that sort of power fantasy, but have something more to say about the human condition.)

All of these skills =do= help, though.  Being able to manage the rest of my life makes it easier for me to spend time where it really matters.  Blogging doesn't pay the bills but it helps me practice one form of self-introspection.

But there are all sorts of other things that take practice, too.  How to talk to people.  How to remember people's names.  How to avoid judging everyone you meet for being different than you.  How to give people the benefit of the doubt.  How to get rejected.  How to reject someone.

Sometimes certain things come more naturally than others.  There are things that I can pick up really easily, without even really thinking about it.  And then there are other things that are just really hard for me.  It's like that for everyone, right?  Some people really struggle with rhythm.  Some people don't really hear when they're singing out of tune.  Predicting how the first F2L pair moves around during inspection seems like this impossible thing that I'm never going to be consistent at, but I remember thinking the same thing about many other things that I can do now, too.

It's not a matter of whether I believe I can or not.  It's just a matter of time and patience.  Luckily, =that= is something I already know how to do. 

What exactly do I want life to be like?  I don't think I'm quite sure...I don't think I'm sure...

JaSmix went really well, almost perfectly to be honest.  The only real blemishes were the almost-snafus (that thankfully didn't end up coming to fruition), and then me not having enough time to host a workshop I guess, but that second one is a blessing in disguise since it let me rest easy during the event itself.  The "right" number of people showed up at the end of the night and we were blessed with a relatively cool summer evening (2019, was it...?  the year where we had a ton of people and it was really hot too...).  It was great getting to see everyone out and having a good time, validated the work that I put into the event.

Going to try and take tomorrow as a day to focus on Rhythm Quest stuff -- at the very least, just do a bunch of charting, if nothing else.  Maybe I can take a break by working on my monthly drawing (which has been a WIP for a while; started it over a week ago and then got busy with other stuff).  It's not exactly the most encouraging when people tell me that my progress is too slow, but hey, that's life.  This is why I'm hoping to engage less and less with people who want to tell me things about my game...

I'm always a bit weirded out....disgusted...?  Mmm...ashamed?  Maybe those are too strong words....it always feels a bit "icky" when I conform to gender stereotypes and roles.  Probably because when we think about them (or when I think about them), they always feel like they're so often framed in a negative light.  Men are like this, women are like this, gay people are like this, asian people are like this.  None of it really feels good and I guess that doesn't just cut one way, it just....cuts everyone in every way, really.  It feels bad to hold those judgments, like feeling like I'm not supposed to talk about feelings with other men or whatever, it feels bad to "be a man" because there is so much negativity bundled with it.  Sure, it makes life difficult when I don't conform to gender norms, but it's also "safe" in a way because I get to just be something different.  It offers the hope of not having to feel shame for all of the negative stuff that's normally associated with whatever bucket you lump yourself in with.

So when I'm able to take pride in my cooking, it's "safe" not just because I'm bucking the norm (like the rebel I am...), but because it means I'm safe from judgment in men not knowing their way around a kitchen or how to use a sewing kit or whatever.  Sure, I may be in a male-dominated profession, but "it's different" because of how I engage with my work, or even how I "show up" or even carry (or dress) myself.

But when I think about being avoidant or emotionally unavailable or afraid of vulnerability or being unable to express feelings, or being a loner, not being able to support other people's emotions, all that stuff, of course it just feels bad because those are "bad" things, but it stings a little bit extra that these are stereotypically associated with my birth/main gender.  Maybe hurts even a little bit more since there are times when I think I didn't use to have some of these issues, and then maybe I did later on.  Eh, or maybe they just didn't have a chance to manifest...

Of course, it shouldn't =really= matter what gender things are typically associated with, least of all for someone like me who doesn't bother trying to slot into any bucket or anything like that.  But the negativity associated with it is still pretty ingrained in me, it's hard to escape.  All those years ago I wanted to make sure that I could escape it entirely, just become someone else, perhaps.  But I think that's just pretending, at least for me.  It's not like I can truly become someone else, right?  I would still be me in the end, in some way.  My shame is my own to carry, to feel, and to release and set free. 

I've been putting in a lot of work!  It feels good to be productive, I feel like somehow I'm back on my game.

I sank a bunch of time into Rhythm Quest, which is always a good feeling.  Nothing sexy, in fact really ugly work including debugging device-specific errors, so yeah, there were a bunch of times when I was waiting for compilation to happen while doing other things like idle Rubik's cube solves or drilling some COLL algs.

But yeah, I fixed a bunch of accessibility/screenreader navigation issues (just realized that I need to update some localization stuff.....sigh), debugged a bunch of switch-specific bugs, even did some performance fixes.  At some point I need to actually work on more actual features (get custom levels working again?) or more importantly, actual content (level 6-5, or redoing some of the earlier levels...), so I can have something interesting to report on for my devlog.  Maybe at the very least I can spend some more time charting the easy/hard difficulties for world 4?

I've learned all of the COLL algs for two cases (H and U), though the U algs I still need some more practice to be able to associate which is which.  I'm working on learning the cases for T, I technically know all of the algs for it now, but recognizing and associating them with each of the cases is still a struggle for now.  COLL is definitely the alg set that's first to go in my memory since it's a special case (well, that, and some of the really rare OLL algs like the superflip one).  But it's something to keep me occupied, I guess?

JaSmix is tomorrow! Assuming all goes well with setup (*nervous grimace*) I'm excited for the event.  Honestly, putting together the setlist is really almost second-nature to me by now.  It's weird because I remember really spending a LOT of time a couple years ago (?) on one of my setlists trying to really balance everything out meticulously and now...I dunno, maybe I just feel like "good enough" is fine, or maybe it's because JaSmix is easier than something like FNW which has a lot more structure and restriction to it.  Hopefully my selection of dances is still generally in tune with whoever ends up showing up??

Either way, as usual, most of the work that goes into making my setlists enjoyable is not only due to me having practice and experience with how they should be constructed, but also just...most of that work I've already done ahead of time by editing and trimming so many of the songs.  I can probably count the number of unedited songs in my setlist on my hands...it's such a simple thing to do, "just make everything shorter", but of course it does involve a certain sort of finesse and expertise.

Cooking has been going ok too.  I'm not going to have a ton of time on my hands to cook this weekend so I'm going to just be making some simple stuff, but hopefully my ingredients will survive until I'm back in action on Monday Tuesday or whenever.  I did a cider-braised pork shoulder yesterday and that time investment paid off since today I was able to just boil some pasta and then throw together a quick roux and reheat the meat and sauce and just throw it all together quickly.  My household has an interesting love/hate relationship with pork shoulder; I got into this phase where I was doing roast pork shoulder a bunch and that goes fantastic together with caramelized onions as pulled pork sandwiches, but they haven't been a big fan of all the leftover meat.  Maybe if it was more fatty?  but eh, I get that it's not super appetizing to just be eating fried rice with pork shoulder, pasta with pork shoulder, etc etc.

Carnitas tacos seemed to do a bit better (I....think I still have some in the fridge, ha ha ha...oops), and I remember the cider braised pork shoulder being a hit the other time I did it so that's why I decided to opt for it again.  We'll see how it goes over as I use the rest of it, but I also have a bunch of other stuff planned -- bunch of eggplant, palak paneer, etc.  Before I know it it'll be the end of August and I think I'm feeling like I'll do either sushi or grilling around that time, maybe both if I'm feeling up for it...

Guess I'd better do my best to go get some sleep.  Can't wake up too late tomorrow...

It feels good to be validated for your efforts, doesn't it?

I've been watching "Chef Hua" -- part of what inspired my previous thoughts on cooking and everything like that.  It's not the most engaging (kinda trashy...), but they do a good job with their slow-motion / macro photography of all of the dishes and everything.  And if nothing else, it inspires me to not only think more about my cooking (and plating...), but also about expressing gratitude and excitement towards others.  Yeah, that... 

I got back from my trip and it was a good one.  I felt fulfilled, relaxed, mostly relieved, I guess, too.  It was a good balance of things, I felt accomplished yet also not like I had pushed myself too hard.  Various things went well...I went to the tea place once, but also brought my own tea with me.  I felt quite pleased with the cooking that I did -- made everything work out.  Got to see the same tuxedo meowmie and have him sit on my lap again.  Even had the good fortune of getting to see a shooting star.

JaSmix is this Saturday!  I'm busy tidying up the last of the logistics, but hopefully it will go well, or at least smoothly if nothing else.  It'll be a long day, but no longer than what the folks used to do back in the day (7 workshops, from 2PM all the way until 9:30!).  Since everything is just in one room, I won't be running around like last time, so once I'm done with my whirlwind of private lessons, I'll have a chance to just sit back and relax (and eat dinner), maybe I'll bring some postcards to work on or something.  If I'm feeling ambitious and energetic maybe I'll participate in the workshops, but eh, kicking back and just sitting and relaxing sounds good, too.

Finally made and found time to run an ALTTPR seed -- was kind of a doozy, with some challenging (yucky) decisions.  Made a pretty big mistake sequence breaking Ice Palace when I was missing somaria + flippers, I honestly am beginning to wonder if somarialess sequence broken ice palace is =ever= a good play.  You by definition have to already have the mitts to get entry into ice palace, and the flippers can't be there, so it's mainly stuff like the mirror that can help out if you get it there, but...waiting around for somaria to show up might just make more sense in general. 

Someone really close to me seems to be hurting, a bit.  I hope that they are okay.  Every moment of their company is precious to me.  They seem to be feeling alright, I just...yeah, I hope they are okay.  I love them a lot.

Speaking of which, the chickies got checked out (expensive....) and they are doing all ok!  I wasn't super worried, but it was a relief to get confirmation that they are doing healthy and that I'm doing alright taking care of them.

Made it out to Teance today and enjoyed some nice white tea while doing some work before doing groceries.  Tomorrow I'm going to be printing some stuff for JaSmix and giving my setlist another lookover, hopefully trying to catch up on Rhythm Quest, and drinking tea at home.  I already know I'm probably going to cook fish for lunch and then I'll be working on braised apple cider pork shoulder, but that probably won't be ready in time for dinner, so dinner will have to be something else, maybe eggplant or tofu or something.  Guess I won't have a ton of extra time to throw around given that I'll be doing a little more cooking than usual and I have OHC to take care of, but...yeah, I mean, I'll try to do some stuff.

Did some dancing, randomly, the other night.  Sometimes it's a little discouraging to be honest, to look at how sloppy my dancing is, but I mean, what should I expect given how relatively little I work on it?  It's...fine, really.  I've come a long way, I know, it's just...it's still hard.

Life overall is...I can't really say anything other than it's good, right?  Nothing has really been bad, aside from maybe the fact that I've been sleeping too late (as usual) and yeah, I could be a little more on top of some of my work, but honestly I'm not even mad about it given that I just got back from a trip.  The floor of my range is still relatively high-functioning, I mean the first things that I did when I got back were to unpack, do the laundry, vacuum the floor, and start using the carpet cleaner...and then what, after that I drafted out the JaSmix setlist, did some work, etc. etc.  It's really not bad. 

The winds of change continue to blow, for me, in my life.  But I don't let myself get swept away, they simply act as the wind beneath my sails.  I chart a course and I make my way toward my north stars, slowly and steadily.

Love Languages

I talked about love languages in my last post and how when we see them in a more mature and nuanced lens we begin to see things like how "gift giving" doesn't necessarily have to be something really shallow and transactional and how "words of affirmation" doesn't have to mean a bunch of trite compliments, but have you ever thought about how you can make positives out of the opposites of each of the love languages, too?

Maybe you like physical touch, but sometimes you might like having physical space, too.  Acts of service are nice, but what about letting someone be independent?  Quality time spent together, alone, doing nothing else -- maybe sometimes you just need people who will be open to running errands together or just working side by side on completely different things.  And instead of words of affirmation, we can be realistic and frank with people, or even just enjoy silence together with them.  Maybe gift-giving is the least obvious one since the "opposite" of giving a gift is...not giving a gift?  Receiving a gift?

But I think it's easy for all of us to imagine twisted overdone versions of all of the love languages, right?  Too much gift-giving.  Too many acts of service.  Too much physical touch.  Too many words of affirmation.  And yeah, even too much "quality" time spent together.  And this applies regardless of whether you are imagining the giver or the receiver of love.  (What's worse, someone who is overbearing with their gift-giving or someone who incessantly needs to receive gifts?)

Love is...complicated.  Giving it and receiving it.  That's why it's a good thing that it's often so vital and powerful, it motivates us to discover the messy nuances of connecting with other human beings. 

Cooking

Cooking, is, of course, a craft, and a skill.  When I'm really enjoying the process of cooking I get a similar enjoyment out of it as I do when I'm playing a videogame, or making music.

But it's more than that, too.  Cooking is a way that we can connect with other people.  To help bring them happiness.  I mean, sure, videogames and music can do that too, just...it's in different ways.

Sometimes when I watch these cooking videos and content I get this smile on my face from knowing that there is this shared understanding of craft.  Seeing someone that "gets it", someone who you feel aligned with in terms of your process, always feels satisfying, like you're a little less alone in the world because somebody else has this shared understanding with you, even if you've never met them.

But there's other cooking content that makes you appreciate that you can really create something beautiful out of cooking.  When people think of "gift giving" or "acts of service" as a love language I think there is an impulse to think of them as really impersonal, but of course when you really think about the great examples of this kind of love expression they are anything but that.  That special hand-made thing that you always treasured, or that surprise party that your friend helped organize for you.  Cooking is the same way, like, cooking can be "sustenance for life" in that it can just be this necessary aspect for physical health and survival, but it can also be "sustenance for life" in that it can remind us of joy, remind us to connect with our bodies, remind us to connect with other people.  I think this is why presentation is important when it comes to food, as much as I often neglect it (efficiency is also important to me...).  It can help to create a moment, as much as the packaging on a gift, or the hand-written note that goes alongside of it.

Seeing someone really express their happiness when you cook for them is a really special feeling, I guess it is similar to seeing someone express their happiness and gratitude when you give them something special that isn't food.  Thinking about it makes me a little emotional for some reason.  I think it's because the desire to be loved and appreciated is such a core desire -- if not for all people, then at least for people like me.  Of course, there is also the desire to be respected and acknowledged -- that can be really important too -- but cooking is perhaps a little unique in that it's a craft that can connect with people on a more personal level.

I want to become better at cooking.  I want to be able to bring more moments of joy to the people around me.  But thinking about this, also makes me think about how I struggle, too.  Not with creating a meal, but with being on the other side -- with expressing my appreciation for others.  How can I seek connection with others through this "love language" if I am so reluctant to connect with them in the first place (or in the "second place"?).  Do I "deserve" to hear words affirming my effort if I have not yet learned to give those same words back?  Why should people express thanks to me if I am so reticent?

Why is it so hard to express love, and to accept love?

...would be a nice place to end the post, but I think we kinda already know why it's hard to express love, and to accept love.  It's because sometimes love often comes bundled together with all of these other emotions and feelings and thoughts and memories.  Maybe to you love means control.  Maybe love is intermingled with lust.  Maybe jealousy.  Maybe when you tried to accept love you ended up accepting shame along with it.  "Fear of love" isn't really something we talk about, I guess maybe it is really not an apt phrase to describe it anyways, we dress it up in phrases like "avoidant attachment" or "rejection sensitivity" or whatever.  But there's a good reason it exists, right?  We all want to have those =good= experiences with love, but there have usually been so many bad experiences too, it's easy to forget how to let our guard down.  Love takes time.  And if we are to be open to it for ourselves, we have to also be open to it for others, too.

There's no rush, though.  There's no need to "fix" something that isn't "broken".  It's ok to not bring your whole self to every encounter.  You will, in your own time, when you are ready.

I mean, what is there to say???  ...is my first thought, but I figure I should write something anyways.  I've had a long day.

 

Empathy is important, we all know that, at least on a conceptual level, probably.  But maybe sometimes a calm head and being open to understanding and curiosity are part of it too.  Or maybe it's just the same thing but under a different name.  When people ask "Why?" or say "I don't understand" sometimes the other unsaid half of the sentence is "and I don't like it" or "I think it's wrong".  Starting from an assumption that there is a =mistake= in the world can predispose us to looking only for the answer that we want to see.

But usually things have a good reason that they are the way they are, or even a mediocre reason, at worst.  Sometimes we can shove aside the question of "why" and ignore it in our quest to figure out "how" to move forward with whatever we want, but sometimes maybe you really can get some good insight into "why" if you start by assuming that it is something that DOES make sense, given some sort of missing information that you are not taking into account.  If we give the benefit of the doubt, what are the possible reasonings we could try and derive -- or even contrive -- for "why"?

Why do you have to wait at a red light even when it's 3AM and you're the only car on the road?  We know there are often sensors that are used to detect whether cars are at intersections (and which lanes they're in -- this frequently affects left turn signals).  Why couldn't we use those same sensors to deduce that there is only one car at the intersection and that it should be let through immediately?

There are probably any number of reasons you could guess at here, but consider that pedestrians are probably too light to trip most of these inductive sensors (which are probably designed for cars, right?) and also take significantly longer to cross the road.  It wouldn't be a great situation if someone saw a green light and started to walk slowly across the road, only for cross-traffic to suddenly get switched on.

Of course, all of this applies to our selves too.  We get caught so often in the mistake of assuming that we are "wrong" for our unwanted behavior or that there's no reason for it.  But humans are astoundingly rational creatures, we really do most things for good, or at least important, or sensible, reasons.  You can call your behavior "maladaptive" all you want but there's a reason for those to exist too, right?  Sticking to something that worked in the past is an effective life strategy, it =should= take conscious recalibration and effort to change our working patterns.

 

Anyways, I guess I get at least some credit for today.  I did some work, wrote a letter, came up with a pretty good last-minute birthday gift, scheduled a vet appointment, got some JaSmix stuff resolved even.  This week I decided to break down a whole chicken so that I could have richer parts leftover for some soup, in addition to simply saving some more money.  Cooked two pretty decent meals.  I have a bunch of various things in the fridge that I'll need to try my best to use up before my next trip, I think it should mostly be okay, though.  Have the laundry going...

Failed in delivering a Rhythm Quest devlog this month again, but that's okay, right? ...ehh...

I've got some stuff to do tomorrow, I guess.  More writing, one hour compo, an album release, maybe thinking about anything else that needs to be squared away.  A nail trim.

Perhaps the biggest thing I should be proud about today is releasing some of the tension in my back.  Was sort of nagging at me the entire day, but I've just realized that it's gotten a lot better now.  I always had the inkling that when I get back pain it's a combination of physical soreness and stressors manifesting in pain (previous experiences with psychosomatic issues cluing me in), but this past week perhaps more than other times have convinced me of the existence of the psychosomatic portion of it (thanks therapist!).

Despite everything I may or may not say and write about, I'm doing pretty good.  I got this random comment that I might be having a rough time.  Probably not very informed, but even if it was, probably not an unreasonable conclusion to reach given the energy and mood that my posts these days often have.  There's this constant feeling of "well, life goes on, for now", I basically wrote that in like 3 of my more recent posts?  Well, I mean, it's =true=, though.  I'm not really one to hop and skip my way along, but also not one to dig in my heels or start kicking and screaming, am I?  At my worst maybe I'm slowly plodding, at my best, my steps are probably a little lighter, but we like to try our best to go at a steady pace.  Nothing more, nothing less is needed.  Just what we've always done.

Time for another update...

 

I'm doing okay.?  Feel like time is flying by since I've got all these various things that I'm dealing with, but I'm managing somehow, amidst all of it.

 

We've just wrapped up with the first half of our annual ALTTPR mentor tournament!  I put in my time and mentored for 13 races this year (last year I did 15).  Last year that resulted in 9 wins, 5 losses (we're not counting the cheating fiasco...), this year I got 10 wins, 3 losses, which is fantastic!  An improvement from going 2-5 in 2023, ha ha.  I guess my lifetime record is 21-13, a win rate of 62% or so.

Of course, my "mentor skills" are only really half the story there, I mean at the end of the day the mentees are the ones running the seeds, we're along to do the best we can and try to pilot these mentees into good routes and decisions and remind them of little things as they improve.  It's been satisfying, as it always is, but I think this year in particular I finally managed to really brush off the impostor syndrome that I felt two years ago.  The hard work that I've put into understanding the game and analyzing things in my own way comes through when I'm able to chime into discussions and give my thoughts on decision making in a structured and informed way (or at least I think so).

People have a funny way of thinking about things sometimes (I'm not talking about people making bad routing decisions).  I overheard in an opposing mentor/mentee video once about them discussing a little bit of what they knew about my routing style, and I was really taken aback because like...how would you know?  This person probably popped into my stream maybe once or twice, is that really enough to determine how I do things?  It's not like I play in tournament matches or anything like that, it's odd (I also don't know that their conclusion was on point).

But probably the stranger/more interesting one was a mentee who talked about how like, they knew DDRKirby(ISQ) would sniff out ___ item that was at ___ location.  And it's like...I donno.  Sometimes there is this weird ethos about experienced runners being able to like see The Matrix or whatever and trace through chains of logic and progression and predict where items are likely to be and it's like...okay, there is some small element of conditional probabilities, but really, we just try to be faster and more efficient than our opponents and try to estimate the risk/reward of each decision point.  This applies to me even more so given that I consider check efficiency to be king over almost anything else, I am probably the last person who is going to "sniff out the logic" pointing toward something specific unless I'm using it as a tiebreaker.

I felt really validated when one of the top runners said as much, that no, the experienced players don't just magically find the right path, they're just efficient and open more chests faster.  But I dunno, maybe people have this weird fascination with trying to "make the right predictions" instead of just putting in the work to just continually optimize things.  I still get baffled when people basically call out recency bias as a reasoning for their decisions rather than just going by the odds of something happening in a vacuum.  Like, in any sort of competitive TCG or poker or whatever you'd be crazy to use this sort of thing as a reason, right?  Bleh.  But maybe it's just like me to just be like "yea it's just all the unglorious improvement that's really important".  I wonder if sometimes people think in real life I have this magical ability to just get things done really fast but no, it's not magic, I just learn to do things quickly and try to cut out everything else that's unnecessary.  It's.......the same thing that I do in randomizer, lol.

 

JaSmix planning continues, hopefully I can put out the event announcement this coming week and then start working on the setlist and private lesson signups and all.  Unlike in previous years I'll probably just have everything in one room; I can just do my private lessons and then have our three workshops all in the same place afterwards.  Less efficient in terms of time, but it's fine; I'll just be able to hang out and relax as the workshops go on, and actually watch them as opposed to last time when I was busy running around doing other stuff and worrying about reparking my car and all.

Had another go at Master of Orion 2, haha.  Had a win on an Impossible game (woo!) using a standard UniTolProd+1 race.  Think I've gotten to understand a little bit more how the early game should look, prioritizing colony bases a lot earlier (and scrapping your initial starbase) and stuff.  I've not had any luck winning with a Repulsive race, I think it gives you too little time to set up before people start coming after you.  And no luck with a research-oriented race either.  Game is hard.

Had a lot of tea this past week, including a white tea that I really "needed" at that time.  Felt like it was reminding me of how to try and be at peace instead of just worrying about stuff like I was at the time.  I still struggled a bit with it afterwards, but it helped to set me on the right direction, I guess.

I watched this video a while back (or maybe not that long ago in the grand scheme of things) that basically was emphasizing how I shouldn't ignore my inner experience of things.  And it's like, I never felt like I was super out of touch with my thoughts and feelings or anything like that.  But I think I'm starting to reach an understanding that "acknowledging my feelings and then proceeding to ignore and not do anything about them" perhaps doesn't necessarily really count as being in touch with them either.

But I mean these things are hard sometimes.  That's how we get into trouble, sometimes there just isn't anywhere for our inner thoughts and experiences to be "received", whether that be because you don't have the time, or you don't have the friends, or you don't have the love, or you don't have the capacity to receive them by yourself.  And then maybe they start to leak out because I mean, thoughts and feelings usually have to go somewhere, right?  That's what lead me to my run-in with psychosomatic pain and all.  I recall that as I feel this weird suspicion about my back being sore over the past couple of days and wonder whether that is related, whether that is somewhere where I'm carrying some unresolved emotional energy.

 

Feeling happy about the artwork that I've been putting out; last month's was a big success and I was happy with this month's too.  I worked on that instead of Rhythm Quest this past week, but I mean...work is work, right?  There's always a million different things, but somehow it seems ok if you just take it one piece at a time and resolve to slow progress.

 

The chickies are doing ok maybe.  Maybe?  Not sure whether dumbchicky has figured out the treadle feeder, I'll have to do some more testing on that when I have the energy to do so.  Never seem to have a ton of energy and motivation for these extra chicky tasks =/  I really ought to replace their bedding inside, and honestly their outside could use some help so it's not so rocky.  And trim their nails / soak their feet... at least I managed to get them some supplement for their calcium, and I've been hand-feeding dumbchicky and letting them out.  They seem to be really enjoying dirt bathing outside, so at least they are happy about that.  Somehow feels like as time goes on I'm being less and less of a good chicky parent.  Don't know that I'll ever have ducky again at this rate.

Weather continues to be really cool and cloudy here and I'm all for it; this has been the best late july weather ever, haha.  I'm sure we'll have some additional heat at some point, but I really don't mind this at all.  It's at least one thing to help give me some extra energy.  And hey, the mentor tournament is over, so that's one less thing for me to have on my plate, right?  (swap in JaSmix stuff, lol)

 

I've got yet another trip coming up, so this is again my week to try and see if I can get one or two things taken care of before that happens.  I missed a Rhythm Quest update this month, bleh.  I keep meaning to go out to dance again, and also to play some DDR, but it's been hard to fit it in with everything else happening lately. 

 

But yeah, yeah.  Sympathy for myself and all.  It's not like I feel like I've been lazy or not performing well or anything.  Life continues, for now.

Okay, yeah!  It's been a while...let's see where things are at.

 

The rest of my trip went okay!  I felt really exhausted toward the end, in like, every way -- honestly think a big part of it was the heat getting to me since I spent a little extra time outdoors.  It honestly felt super surreal coming back, the weather was a complete 180 and I came back home from sunny + dry to a dark, damp, foggy night.  I'm all settled back in now, but that first 24 hours or so was a little weird...

 

That tea place that I mentioned ended up redeeming itself -- the bai mu dan that I had the first time just was really....not it.  Rather than try their king's grade peony or whatever I actually just ended up going for their pressed white tea cakes and those fared much better for me, there were two that I ended up enjoying, I think maybe the last one wasn't as great but eh, I'll take it.  I had some good times there, including one afternoon where I just sat there and felt really productive. 

 

Ended up bringing a knife home, as I was hoping to.  Yeah, I...didn't really need another knife, but I wanted to have something nice to bring home, and I've been using it and enjoying it so far!  Not replacing my favorite knife, but it's nice to use and even made of the same powdered R2/SG2 steel, which I've had great impressions of so far.  Also ended up ordering myself a diamond sharpening stone, I'll have to see whether I like that one better or worse than the traditional water stone experience.  I think it's a little less meditative, but also like....less hassle, and potentially faster?  I'm afraid to use it on my more precious knives, but I'll have to just give it more experience and see what the difference is when I use the different stones.  I'm experimenting with some new techniques too. 

 

I promise you もう迷わない

強くなる…あなたに証すよ

逃げないで　向き合っていく

姿を見せてくれた　to heart

It's a song that I'm pretty sure Kiki sent to me a long long time ago.  I don't think I ever really associated it strongly with her though, it's just a song that I just kinda had and remembered.  Can't help but think of it a little differently now, though, I guess.

The mentor tournament has been continuing on -- the mentees are on week 5 now and there's only one week of mentoring left!  I coached two races this week -- both victories -- and I have two mentees signed up with me for next week as well.  One of the victories this time seemed like it was going to be a heartbreaker as a hardware issue caused us to lose 22 minutes (!) of progress, but somehow we managed to pull it all together and figure out what plays to make to keep us in it.  Definitely one for the books, sheesh, what a wild ride (was on restream, too...).  Sitting at 8-2 now in my mentor-coached races, which is...incredible actually, haha.

I'm continuing to do some additional work here and there on my ALTTPR site.  Currently doing some of the first few rooms in the GT climb (complicated rooms...).  Once we're at the end of the swiss rounds next week I am considering whether I want to put together a tips/tricks video covering common themes or areas of improvement that I've seen throughout various mentees, but...I'll have to see if I have time to edit that all together.

 

Ended up finally putting another Rhythm Quest release out, including a ton of minor improvements and restructuring that I've been doing over the past month(s).  As usual there are still other bugs and stuff related to the new functionality and changes that I'll need to go back to address.  The work just continues like this...

 

I think we have a date for JaSmix!  Assuming everything can go through, of course.  I'm planning to have the event on August 16th.  I actually could have one more workshop in my schedule, but I...don't think I'm up to the task of teaching it.  Maybe if I think of something fun and simple that I could do, but I just don't think I want to dedicate the bandwidth to it; may as well just let the others do their job and teach some cool stuff and I can just sit back and handle the rest of the night, do some privates, etc.  At this point I'll just be happy if the event goes through and runs smoothly.  It's a little too much to ask for me to also put in a workshop...

There's been a bunch of other life learnings too, I don't know if this is the right place or time to really detail them, but there's been stuff about attachment styles and how I work and stumbling blocks or blind spots that I have been carrying in certain situations and all that.  That stuff is still a work in progress, but then again, we all are, right?

 

I received the news that Andrea Gibson -- a poet whose works I'm acquainted with -- passed away recently.  Was a weird coincidence that I had just recorded a one hour compo piece where I had recited one of their poems.  I never knew them on a personal level and I had only ever attended one of their poetry readings, but they have some really cool works and every once in a long while when I'm not busy thinking that I should be digging into my past I end up reaching for some poetry and, them being one of the few poets whose works I'm acquainted with -- more often than not it's their work that I pull out of my friend's bookshelf and see whether I can glean any feelings from.  Like I said, I don't feel like I really =know= them, but they seemed to....I don't know, like, have lived a really special life?  Full of hardships I'm sure, but also full of strength, connection, crazy experiences and life lessons, and all of that.  I guess I don't want to assume too much, I mean on some level you have to think, somebody who wrote all these grand (or not even grand, just like, heartful?) words about their life experience, surely had to have lived such a full life.  But it's not just like, that their poems are all dramatic or whatever, it's more like...wow, this person went through some stuff, but not only that, they came out the other side, and they did even more.  I dunno.  I guess it just felt like this was a pretty cool person to exist. 

Going to be going back down south a bit this weekend, which should be good, since it's been so long.  Not sure if I'll stay an extra day and stop by Dancebreak or whatever (I've been so MIA at dance stuff...), but either way it should be good.  I'm planning to stop by Teance again finally tomorrow, really looking forward to hanging out there.  (actually reminded me to sign up for the next upcoming tea social...)

 

What else...it's getting toward the latter part of the month so it'll be time for me to start working on another pixel art piece soon.  Looking forward to that, hopefully it'll turn out okay?  I watched The Colors Within / Kimi no Iro, really enjoyed it!  Fun, joyful, kind of touching, not too heavyhanded, pretty, all things that I really appreciated.  Keyboard-wise, I had been using my usual two boards for awhile (and will probably go back to them), but the past couple of days I actually pulled out the Evo80 for a change of pace.  Variety is nice!

 

Chicky stuff continues to be interesting; the "training setting" is now off on the treadle feeder and I'm notttttttt 100% sure dumbchicky has managed to figure out how to get her food out of it, but I know at least white chicky has.  We're still having rodent issues; pretty sure the whole chicky food situation contributed quite a bit to it, but at least we're taking a bunch of the appropriate measures now, and we're learning more and more about how to keep everything safe.  Heh, just thinking about how if I ever have duckies again it'll just be even more learnings...guess the pet stuff never ends, really.

 

Been having this weiiiirddd funky combination of feeling like sometimes I'm super lazy and not really great about my normal rhythms, but also been being pretty productive at the same time?  It's a little weird, but I'm rolling with it for now.  Contrary to what you might think, I don't feel the need to always be on exactly the same rhythm as I normally am.  Progress is still progress, work is still work, fun is still fun.  I still manage best I can to take care of all the different things...

Showing up for yourself means understanding that you deserve love even when you don't think you do

Showing up for yourself means learning about what makes you undeserving of love, too

Showing up for yourself means dragging yourself outside even when you feel like hiding under a rock

Showing up for yourself means letting yourself stay home even when you feel like you should be dragging yourself outside

Showing up for yourself means taking care of your body, putting on your best even when nobody else can see it

Showing up for yourself also means staring at your hideous face in the mirror afterwards

and telling it "I love you"

even when you don't believe it.

You'd do the same for someone else

Wouldn't you?

And even if you wouldn't

that's okay too

 

Deep down, you'd want someone to do it for you

even if you feel like you don't deserve it

right?

I'm doing ok, here, in this place away from home.  As much as I like to always keep the same pace and do the same things, it's hard to argue that taking a little break away from myself isn't good every once in a long while.

My last trip out of town wasn't super "relaxing" in that I was basically always doing stuff every day, though I still managed to take a day on my own to go pet cats and drink tea and everything (wonderful!).  This time I may have some more time to do...okay, normal stuff that I'd probably do if I was out and about at home too, catching up on some work, maybe writing a letter, maybe getting a head start on this month's pixel art, blahblahblah.

There's a tea place here, too, though my first experience there left me feeling half-dubious.  I'll give them one more shot to see if it'll be a nice place for me to stop by again, but I miss my home tea cafe(s) already haha.  It's too bad, too, I think both of the spots that I went to during my last trip were really nice, particularly that second one.  But I guess nowhere is perfect, really.  Maybe I should have brought some of my own tea with me, I guess...

The mentor tournament has continued to be fun I think!  I'm starting off the season strong with 6 victories and 1 loss (heh), somehow I'm actually catching up to that crazy 8-1 record that I had at one point last year before the losses started rolling in.  In my mind the mentees are kind of at the point where their journey and destiny is really under their own control; you can (probably?) really see the difference between mentees that just keep on making the same mistakes over and over again, versus people who put in the work and really learn how to execute every screen in the game well.

I've probably talked about this before, but it's always weird to try and coach people through the process of learning.  Like, I feel like most of my learnings have just been a matter of "expose me to something new" or whatever and then I go and learn the thing myself because it's just EASY for me to figure out how the thing works on my own.  Even if it's not immediately obvious, I can just look up the appropriate resources myself, =or= I can do the science on my own.  So it's really weird to think to myself, how am I supposed to interact with, and =help=, people who don't just figure everything out on their own?  My first instinct is always like "here's a video, go and watch it".  And I mean on some level that's valid, right?  The reason we have these videos is to serve as a nice and (hopefully?) concise explanation of concepts, with prepared footage to accompany it.  Wouldn't that be better than some on-the-fly half-baked runthrough that's unprepared?

But of course, like, people don't always know how to diagnose what they're doing wrong, right?  Again, I have to like, understand that rationally rather than experientially because if you put me in the same situation, 9 times out of 10 I =will= be able to diagnose what's going wrong.  Like, if you see something and try to replicate it and it doesn't work, you should isolate different factors, look at the inputs and outputs, etc.  I dunno, isn't that just...basic? (it's not)

It's real hot here, and =dry= too, so I've been trying my best to make sure to take care of my skin.  Tomorrow I get to give that tea shop another chance, but also get to shop for some knives -- hoping to find something to take home, or at the very least buy as a gift!  I'll probably try to get some work done, but I want to vary that work, too, you know?

Life goes on, for now.  We'll see.

Words to Remove from the Dictionary (Part 1)

Good

Bad

 

Right

Wrong

 

Proper

Improper 

 

Defective

Maladaptive

Inadequate

Inferior

Insignificant

 

Hopeless

Worthless

Unlovable

Unforgivable

Coward

Stupid

Idiot

Broken

Pointless

Powerless

Meaningless

Useless

Impossible

Hate

Normal

Perfect

Never

Can people really change?  I mean, of course, people do change, but I wonder sometimes if that change is slow and hard-earned, or whether change is more like something that just "happens" to you.  Like how you can go to bed, but you can't actively "fall asleep", it's just something that "happens to you".  Maybe the difference is more semantic than anything, but thinking about the changes in my life and in other people's lives, it makes me think about how much of it was really under our control at all.

I've certainly become a little more comfortable talking and interacting with people in certain ways.  (Others...maybe still needs some work)  Was that really something that I did out of my own will and power?  Maybe.  I think it's weird because I'm used to looking at things like skills and techniques, like you know, my execution in ALTTPR, or knowing my way around cooking, or even the craft of making music?  These are all things where I can go like, "hey, yeah, I really worked on that, I put effort into both learning and practicing it, and it resulted in growth and progress".  But like, when it comes to the deeper stuff, like social skills or my personality or even the little componens that make up who I am, those are a lot harder to boil down.

Like, yeah, maybe I feel a little more secure than I used to, but like, I struggle to even feel like that's something that I really "worked out", it just feels like I was "lucky enough" to get through the right circumstances to make it happen.  I think some of the stuff about self-care, yeah, sure, that stuff I feel like I've put in work on, both myself and with my therapist, so that stuff makes sense, but the other stuff...it's harder for me to connect the dots, I guess.

The other weird thing is that change is something that traditionally I've just tried to avoid in the first place?  So like, maybe it makes sense after all that it's something that "happened to me" rather than something I really pursued.  But I donno, are there really good examples of how I've seen people change over time out of their own will?

Yeah...yeah, I guess there are.  But like I said, it is slow, and hard-earned.  I think that's why it's hard to imagine, because usually that sort of change takes many years, I guess, and usually starts so early on.  Like when I decided I would try my best to avoid having so many things that were half-done and never-finished.  I was so young when I tried to decide that, it really took many years before I could really go and say that this is something I'm not only good at but am known for.

I guess I see that in other people, too.  People have told me about how they had experiences that made them figure out that they wanted to be a certain way or wanted to learn how to be a different way than they were previously.  It's cool, I guess, seeing that people can actually make it happen.  That if you want to, you can grow, and shift.  I think it's more rare to see now, because people have settled more into their ways, but it doesn't mean it doesn't happen at all.  Even someone who claims to want to stay the same as much as me, feels the shifts happening as I try to understand things in a different way.  Maybe I won't change as drastically as I did during some of my more formative years.  But it still happens, I guess.


I've still been feeling a little off, physically.  Headaches and fatigue and all that.  But I've been doing my best despite that.  Finished that Rhythm Quest devlog, did some mentoring, even squeezed in an ALTTPR run and got some voter outreach postcards started.  I'm overdue on some letters still, but that can come in time.  Everything in its time, one by one, steadily.  I can do it.

Been putting in some good work, recently.  The mentor tournament has been going well so far, I'm trying my best to route these mentees through the seeds, somehow they've managed 4-1.  I've learned one or two things along the way, so that's always a good thing, too.

Rhythm Quest work continues and I'm really putting a lot of time into the settings menu refactor, which feels really good.  I have a devlog drafted for all of the work I've done over the past two months, just need to capture all of the gifs for that tomorrow and hope to publish it.  I was going to work on that part of it today too, but instead I took care of some other things, including some household research and then also getting my package ready to mail out for Sakuradragon's stationery swap.  Nice to have those things checked off!

Chicky needs a nail trim as always; hopefully I'll be able to manage that tomorrow.  We seemed to have stopped one of the intruders but there's definitely still a problem, found one of them living in the food dispensers again =(  I ordered a treadle feeder to try and help, I'm not sure whether it will work out but I figure I might as well try, assuming I feel like it's safe for them to use (TBD).

Besides the Rhythm Quest work I have some letters to write (really haven't had too much writing time recently...).  I haven't been taking great care of the other normal household stuff (been keeping up with regular vacuuming at least, but haven't been managing the kitchen as well as I feel like I normally do), and I've had some uncharacteristic misses on my meals too, but I think that's just bound to happen sometimes.  It happens.

Weirdly enough I've been feeling some energy/dopamine problems near the end of the days, something feels a little off.  Maybe it's because I'm just exhausting my reserves earlier in the day, or maybe I just need a little more sleep, or whatever, but I've noticed that despite working really nicely and feeling good I've been hitting this point where my motivation kind of falls off a cliff, it's not just like the work motivation either, like the play motivation really peters off too.

I guess being in the summer months doesn't really help, though I don't think it's the heat sapping away my energy (otherwise it'd be worse in the afternoon...).  But it probably won't hurt to try and make sure that I'm taking care of myself in all of the usual ways, a little extra.  You know, eating a little healthier, trying to make sure I can get some good sleep, all that stuff.

I have another trip coming up, I'm looking forward to it!  I don't feel like I have a ton of stuff to take care of before then, just a few things that I think I'll be able to take care of okay.  My main question mark is whether I'll end up making time to head south before then, but I think either way is okay, honestly. 

Things have been...good!  I'm starting to find my pace, I think.  The new and old are starting to integrate together.  It's a nice feeling.

The Mentor Tournament (for ALTTPR) is in full swing now.  I don't think I'll be able to swing the type of win-loss record that I did last year (it was crazy, and probably just lucky, at one point my mentees were 8-1, that's an 88% win rate...), but I'm going to try my best to help out those who are seeking guidance, best I can.  At the very least, I know there are things that only I really teach.  I'm...not really sure why I'm the only one, but whatever.

The other day was super satisfying as I spent a long time working on this month's pixel drawing, which has now become my new avatar -- the nicest one yet, too.  The past 8 months or so have all been traced, which of course is not the =worst= thing, I still get practice on working with pixels in general, antialiasing, coloring, selective outlines, etc.  There was one piece I worked with in particular where the colors were fascinating, really interesting to try and translate them into a limited palette, and I didn't just copy/paste/quantize the colors from the source image either.

But I did get called out on it at one point, started to feel a little iffy about it myself, made those albums into free downloads only, and this month I used a reference but took it in my own style and didn't do any tracing or anything.  Honestly expected the result to be much more lackluster, but somehow it ended up better than most of the actual traced drawings...go figure.  Anyways, tracing was a nice and easy fallback that honestly mostly just saved me creative "effort" and energy and provided with me with a nice and easy way to take care of my monthly commitment without thinking too hard, but I guess this works, too.

Been trying to take care of other things in the meantime, too.  Took care of the laundry today, and mailed out some letters as well.  There is minor trouble going on in chickie-land, as usual -- some mild problems with eggs (calcium deficiency, perhaps), but also another unwelcome food thief, which surprised us at first because we sealed up the outsides of the coop, but we realized that it's been coming through the opening in between the "duplex" structure.  That's something that probably won't be =too= hard to fix up, just need some sort of "tunnel" that I can use as a mini skybridge.  Just another thing to take care of at some point, I guess.  Have some gift shopping to do as well, at some point...

More importantly, I'm finally getting back at working on Rhythm Quest.  Had some nice, I mean =nice= work time on it today, for the first time in a while.  I pretty much skipped working on it all of last month, so it's nice to finally be back at it.  Not only did I do some charting work, but implemented some fixes here and there, and even improved some functionality (camera smoothing) and tweaked some UI flows.  Hopefully I can keep it up...

My happiness is here, too.  I donno how much to really describe or talk about it, but there have been some things that I think have made a big difference for me.  I can really feel them.  All that stuff about self-confidence and self-forgiveness and all that.  I always kinda knew that I was valuable, admired, lovable, all that stuff.  But I think I had trouble "believing" it.  I asked myself a few weeks ago what it would be like to believe in it and at the time I like...didn't really know, it felt like I couldn't really imagine it.  But I think I'm beginning to.

You're ok

I'm a little scared today, to be alone.  But today, perhaps more than before, I'm starting to realize that it's not the "alone" part that's the bigger deal, it's the "scared" part.  Or the "sad" part, or whatever it is.  Because I know I can feel that way when I'm not alone, too.

I'm beginning to understand what the different feelings I have mean.  If my stomach feels a certain way, maybe it means I'm hungry.  If it feels a certain other way, maybe it means I have anxiety.  And similar to that, maybe if I feel a certain way, it means I simply have emotions that are bouncing around inside, with nowhere to go.  That's why it's tempting, to wish that someone else were there, so that they could have somewhere to be received.

But like, just because another human being is there with you doesn't mean your emotions and thoughts will just settle down and magically go to some better place.  Being with someone brings its own emotions, too, right?  It brings new emotions for you, and also new emotions for them.  Connection can be a wonderful thing.  But we live lives where we cannot be in a constant state of connection, no matter how many different "friends" you may have on each social media platform.

I could tell sometimes, that I was trying to distract myself from my emotions, even though I knew what they were.  At other times, I try to sympathize with myself for them.  Sometimes it helps to just talk at myself about them.  We are all human.  We all have feelings, needs, and desires.  And at each moment, there are so many of them that can't possibly be fulfilled.

What will you do with those feelings?  What would "she" do?

5 out of 5

When I'm evaluating my overall state of being and happiness, I usually find it easiest to go with a 5-point scale...

A 3 out of 5 is the default score.  Notably, 3/5 is above 50%, so it feels like it's "generally, slightly positive".  Things aren't great, but they aren't bad either.  They're just "good" in a normal way.  Doing the things that I normally do.  Getting some amount of forward progress done -- not necessarily on many things, but one or two things, at least.

A 4 out of 5 is not entirely uncommon, but still something to be celebrated.  It either means I'm having a really good period of my life, or just that the day itself went well.  Maybe I was able to do a good mix of the things that make me feel accomplished and good (writing letters, working on my game, doing art, cooking).  Maybe I just really enjoyed some nice white tea.  Maybe I went to a social dance event and it went well.  Or maybe I hung out with a friend and it was nice.

A 2 out of 5 usually means something is wrong.  It could be something discrete, like being stressed about something coming up, or feeling sick, or not having enough time.  But often the "2 out of 5" days are the days where I'm just feeling that slight dissatisfaction with life.  A lot of the time it manifests as long-term mild loneliness or depression -- depression of the type that makes normally-fun activities and daily life seem not as exciting or pleasant.  But sometimes it could just be that I kind of let the day while away and didn't get to any of the things that really give me sustenance.

The 1 out of 5 days are, thankfully, rare, at least nowadays.  It usually means something particularly bad happened, usually of an emotional sort in nature, but every once in a while it could be something physical too, like covid or having an allergic reaction or whatever.  Strings of 1 out of 5 days are almost unheard of, but they have happened.  Usually those are the big disasters in life -- the things that end up forming into trauma afterwards.  I can think of a few times when that happened, and they were really bad.

Every once in a while you get a 5 out of 5 day, too.  These are probably as rare as the 1 out of 5 days.  Sadly, sometimes they don't get remembered as much in a specific sense, but that's because in order to be this happy it's not necessarily the case that something specific has to be happening.  It's not like the 5 out of 5 days only happen on special occasions, rather, it's a matter of things really lining up in life to make it happen.  It's really easy to call a day a 4 out of 5, it's much more rare to really go all the way and say it was a 5 out of 5.  Often the fact that my day =can= be a 5 out of 5 is already something to celebrate, because so often life has some negative factor or other that seems to simply precludes it in the first place on most days.  The nature of happiness means that consecutive 5 out of 5s don't really tend to happen very often, but it has been possible, too.

Today...was one of those rare days.  Again, it's not even so much the day itself that deserves celebration, but rather the fact that life is in a place where it's even possible to reach this level of overall happiness and satisfaction.

Look at me

I will never pass for a perfect bride...

...or a perfect daughter

Balancing / Fanime 2025 / Self-Worth / Burnout

Life is indeed, like a balancing act.  But the analogy extends to more than just the act of weighing different parts of life against each other, trying to find the right equilibrium for yourself.  Sometimes, life throws unexpected things at us.  If we are already struggling to find our balance, it's more likely that we'll drop what we are carrying as we scramble to catch these things.  And when we do, it takes more effort to bend down and pick back up the pieces that it does to simply maintain something that was already in harmony.

Sometimes you need to adjust your balance.  Other times you might need to move to a new location.  It turns out that walking (or running) while doing a balancing act is hard, too.  Sometimes you have things that are securely buckled down, things that you are holding onto tightly such that you know they won't fly away.  But not everything is like that.  When you need to, what will you do?  Will you walk more slowly so that you can keep things steady?  Will you try to tilt the tower in the direction of your goal, and then run after them to catch up?  Will you put something down, to lighten your load and let you move more easily?

=====

I didn't really write about Fanime 2024, but I guess I can say a few words about this year.  Fanime 2023 continued a trend of being "chill".  This year continued a different trend where my experience has become more and more about supporting and celebrating those friends of mine who staff at Fanimaid Cafe.  And I didn't really have a problem with that, really.  I was happy to lie low and to "condense" the other parts of my con experience.  All in all, I had a surprising amount of success with that.  I played some TGM2+ and got doubles clears with A-zu-ra and Kitaru, including a new PB (by like, 1-2 seconds, after 12 years lol).  I didn't spend a ton of time shopping, but I browsed a bit and picked up some nice things.  I stopped by Sakuradragon's booth as well and had a nice time chatting with the folks there.

Thanks to me not really spending as much time wandering the halls (or maybe just a sign of the times...) there was only one person who stopped me for a photo, but it was someone who was happy to see Journey representation and we chatted a little bit; I told them about the yearly anniversary event that happens and how I still try to play every year (....though I haven't been these days, sigh).

So yeah.  It was good...it was enough.

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There's been a lot of internal work and struggles, confronting sadness and all that, about self-worth.  I don't really know what to write about it here, I guess I've sort of touched on it a little bit already.  I always knew that I easily take things personally, that I have a lot of insecurities, all that stuff, but I think what really hit hard for me was the thought of "what would it be like to think that I'm enough" and having a lot of trouble even visualizing or comprehending what that is like.  I don't know if I've like =never= felt that way, but it feels so foreign and out of reach to me now and I was =sad= about that, like downright sad.

And it's not like the thoughts and feelings around this are anything new, I've already =done= a lot of feeling sad about being discarded, or being unloved, or all the frustrations that my younger self had, blahblahblah.  But just because I've done a lot of feeling sad about that doesn't necessarily mean I'm =done= feeling sad about them, and also doesn't necessarily mean that I've healed from those wounds either.

It takes work to heal from those things.  Maybe a lot of the time we don't think about it because like, it seems like the natural way that the body works is to be all resilient and heal from things gradually -- almost automatically -- over time.  Wounds close and even if there is some scarring there, things get fixed up, patched up.  But like, I had a surgery many years ago and there's actually a part of myself that maybe hasn't fully "healed" yet, it's something that if I want to ever restore it actually requires active effort.  And like, I don't know if that will ever happen, actually, but shouldn't I be trying to do that, not just letting it be?

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I may not have learned how to be in a healthy two-way relationship from all of those letters I wrote to all those people, but I did learn a thing or two along the way about my side of relationships.  What it's like to put in effort, what it's like to put in =too much= effort.  There is this really natural tendency that when a relationship is not working out I just want to put more into it in order to "fix" it.  The problem is that there is this point where I just don't actually have enough capacity and positive energy around it, and it just ends up burning me out and making me bitter.

I've learned to recognize that feeling and to try and rein myself in, but it's still a difficult balance to strike at times.  Because there =is= merit to making sure that you push yourself to show up in relationships during the times when it isn't necessarily the most easy or "fun" and all that.  Being deliberate and consistent and all that has always been one of my strengths.  But as I said, there is still a point when putting more into the relationship makes it worse, not better.  It's something that I'm trying to be mindful of.  I've certainly been on both sides of that balance, I think.  There was times when I put too much effort into my Christmas letters and felt really bad.  But then there was also a time when I put too =little= effort into my Christmas letters and felt really bad.  It took me some calibration to find what was best for me.

And it's...complicated.  I still have complicated feelings about all that energy and effort that I spent back then.  I have complicated feelings about how I don't spend as much effort now as I did before.  Is it "good" or "bad"?  I think it's easier to say that it's "good", but I also don't think it makes sense to just place a value judgment on it.  I think it's because it's not obvious to me anymore what a "good" relationship is like.  Maybe that is in itself a sign of maturity (?), that I don't think that is a trivial answer, because maybe it just depends.  Just like it seems like a folly to chase after "rules" for relationships because isn't the whole point of a successful relationship that it's tailored to bring happiness to the actual people who are a part of it?

On feeling like shit

This is probably not what you think it's about, but...sometimes we make mistakes, and it's like, yeah, we shouldn't be rewarding the people that make mistakes, right?  We call them out for a reason?

But like, think about all the times when you made mistakes in your life, what was the thing that you needed most then?  Sometimes you need humility, yes, but what about all those times when you needed forgiveness, grace, acceptance even?  When was it that you felt most motivated to pick yourself back up, admit that you could do better, and feel good about it?

What if becoming a better person didn't involve feeling like shit first?

 

This is a weird and perhaps hidden (insiduous?) problem with our online spaces, it usually doesn't feel like the right move to offer forgiveness, grace, and acceptance because when we're in these spaces everything falls down to the lowest common denominator and if there is something to be taken advantage of, it will.  That random stranger on the other side of the interaction has as little accountability toward you as you have patience for them, and so perhaps it just "makes sense" to adopt an antagonistic attitude because that's been proven to at least illicit a response, regardless of if it effects positive change.

And it's like...feeling like a piece of shit DOES work, it =does= make you want to change.  But not only does it not feel great, it also comes with all of these nasty long-term side effects, ones that I'm sure you've all realized a thing or two about (if not, maybe a therapist can tell you about it).

It's sad because some of us don't even need the other person telling us we're shit, we tell it to =ourselves= whenever we make a mistake, and what then?  There's no such thing as a safe space to make a mistake anymore, because there's always someone there to judge us for it.  And so we just live life in a way such that we just never feel like we're making any mistakes anymore.  Maybe we learn to stubbornly ignore everything that goes wrong and assert that we're always right.  Maybe we learn to just work three times harder than anyone else, we learn to prepare for every possibility so that nothing will go wrong.  Or maybe we just learn to never try anything that we don't already have a guarantee of success at.

I want to believe there's a better way, even though I've never really known one.  But I think it takes time, and love.  A lot of love, from a lot of people.  One in particular.  Maybe not the one you're thinking of.

And even as I say these things, like "you are enough" and "you are loved" it still doesn't erase the feelings of not being enough, of not being loved.  Sometimes you just won't feel like it.  Or, maybe, you never did in the first place.

What is it like to be the one left out?  And what is the path to redemption?  Will you forge an identity off of being a loner?  Will you resolve to be better, try harder next time?  Will you tell the world that you don't want anyone else to have to feel this way?  Or will you simply be sad, because it was painful?

What can you do for that person who feels like nobody valued them?  What can you do for the person that you don't love, but who needs love?  What is it that you need to feel whole again?  And who are the ones that can offer it to you?

You are enough, even as you look at all the things you can't do.

You are loved, even if you need to remind others to show it.

You will be cared for, even if you need to ask for it.

You don't need to change, even when you fail.

You deserve the best, even though you won't offer it to yourself.

 

Black in MtG is a self-centered and self-focused color.  The focus on "self" is actually more of a secondary point, but stands in contrast to White as I think that is the axis on which they are opposed (good for one vs. good of the group).  Black's aim is "power" and often we see that as not being virtuous because of all the associations with one person having too much power (and focusing only on themselves).  It's easier to see the problems with "too much" of Black (corruption, amorality) vs the problems with "too much" of White (disregard for individuals, dogmatism).

Correspondingly, it's also harder to pick out the positive traits associated with a self-focus.  Things like independence, self-sufficience, and yes, perhaps even self-care.  I think most people don't associate with Black as a color because of what I already mentioned, but funnily enough I think Slytherin house did a better job of making those ideals seem a little more approachable despite the house being super maligned.  I mean, that makes sense; Black spells are full of things like monsters and devils and decay whereas Slytherin might have a bunch of people of questionable character but at least they're human and there's a wide variety of them (some which you'd hope are not so one-dimensional).

Marco (from Animorphs) would probably be the one most aligned with Black.  It's not so much that he's self-centered, but more that he's willing to sacrifice other things in the interest of self -- "self" extending to the people he cares about.  It's a more personal definition of community and humanity rather than an abstract one.  He "sees the bright clear line" and I think that to me is a symbol of "ruthlessness" (I guess that trait is associated with Sultai, the wedge centered around Black).

Rachel would be Red for sure.  Ax, blue.  Which leaves White and Green for cassie, jake, and tobias.  Tobias makes more sense for green than Cassie, but I think Tobias feels more conflicted with this aspect than he draws strength from it.  Cassie I think would be White, and Jake...well, maybe he's just special.

Anyways..........

If I could give advice to my younger self, I...wouldn't.  The thing that my younger self needed was...support, during the times when it was hardest.  And by that I really mean compassion during the moments where they were most vulnerable and tender.  How many times did I reach my hand out only to be batted away?  How many times was I thrown off a cliff to fend for myself amongst the wolves?

Where was the gentle voice, telling me "it's okay"?  Where was the helping hand, reminding me that I'm not alone?

"It's not so hard", you say, which rings true to me in my heart, but also doesn't capture just how hard it IS, how long it has taken to reach even this point that feels not even a fraction of the way up the mountain (which, of course, is not the point, anyways).

NY trip, Maybe Happy Ending, etc.

It's not so hard to let somebody in
Just think how long it's been
Since somebody made you smile

....we're back.  We done good...it was a good trip.

There are many things and I don't think a full-on report is in order, but I'll try to touch on the highlights, at least.

I was staying in Manhattan for a relative's wedding.  Was initially thinking that I'd do what I normally do and stay at somewhat modern airbnb for 1-2 people and cook for myself and have a peaceful time, but ended up not doing any cooking actually; maybe if I had a bit less plans like I have during some of my other trips to the East Coast...

The food I did have was real good for the most part though!  Wasn't exactly sure what to expect but actually just a striking concentration of good ethnic food (is it a faux pas to use "ethnic" in this context?  I  know using "ethnic" as an instrument category is definitely iffy...).  Had some okay ramen (alright, not the best, I'm sure there was better, but it was close by), went to a nice Izakaya place.  Had some palak paneer at an Indian place, I actually like mine better hehe.  It's pretty interesting seeing how different the general palak / saag dishes can be, this one was quite on the creamy/liquid side but I've had them that were more coarsely blended / had more texture and a deeper flavor as well.

Probably the most exciting meal was when I had green pepper mao xue yang at a sichuan restaurant, what a surprise to find that!  Duck blood, eel, beef tripe / throat, bean sprouts...wish I had like 3 other people so that we could split it and also order something else to feel like a more balanced meal, but I also just kinda felt like I had to get it, just because...

The wedding itself was fun!  I made some conversation with some strangers, ordered a tequila sunrise (which prompted multiple people to ask me what it was and order one too), did some glowsticking, etc etc.  The food at the wedding was tasty too, I enjoyed it!

I went to see "Maybe Happy Ending", a seemingly not-well-known yet also widely lauded (weird...) musical that I'd sum up in one word as being about "love", I guess in two words I'd sum it up as the title of one of the numbers, "Why Love?"  I don't think I care to overanalyze the work or anything, but it came to me at a pretty relevant time in my life I guess -- I don't mean because love is in my life, I mean just more generally because I think I've "been around the block" at least once when it comes to love...I think it's pretty clear that MHE explores different sides of love, and different kinds of love too.  Romance, sure, but also heartbreak.  And the "honeymoon period" not just as it applies to a romantic partner but perhaps also to life, and perhaps how the question of "why love" ends up having different answers once that is over.

I don't think MHE plays in that much the same space as Princess Kaguya, but they tangentially touch on this same idea of "life (or love, attachment, whichever)" leading to inevitable sadness.  Love ends, life ends too, there's that whole idea of "life being ephemeral" with the fleeting sakura blossoms and all.  And yet we find ourselves investing anyways.  Maybe Happy Ending I think posits a much different flavor of answers to "why love", I feel like Princess Kaguya doesn't really "answer" the question per se, because it didn't really have to -- it just showed me that I =already= believed in life and all it had to do really was "remind" me of that.

Maybe Happy Ending was both subtle and intimate yet also intense and wrenching.  It's on the shorter side yet also made me think about it for a while.  It's this interesting little thing, almost paradoxical to me when I think about it too much.  Like, I thought it was somewhat predictable yet not stale at all.  Somewhat cheesy but...actually not, like it felt really real too!  I'm not sure exactly how to talk about it other than I sure appreciated being able to see it.  It's not like when I talked about Tunic and I was like OKAY GUYS here is why I felt incredibly moved by this ahhhhhhhhhh.  I was touched by Maybe Happy Ending too, I think it's just a less grandiose sort of thing for me personally, but still just as important.

Helen Shen (Claire)'s songs really did a lot of the emotional heavy lifting for me, though honestly I think a good handful of the songs in general really did have something very resonant in them for me personally.  Like I said, it was a nice time for me to encounter it.

Speaking of nice things!  The other big highlight of the trip was going to drink tea!  This is my first time going out to find tea shops on my own while traveling and it was the best thing ever!  I definitely overcaffeinated myself and got tea drunk/high after spending like 5 hours across two different tea shops.  It was so lovely, I felt totally at home and so content that I could find such a nice and peaceful experience even in an unfamiliar city.  I was so grateful for the quiet time I shared...

I didn't get a ton of "work" done during the trip, but wasn't really intending to, anyways.  I recorded a bunch of input files for my alttpr timings/videos, so I'll have to go through and leverage those once I'm back at home proper.  Also did some actual practicing on just boots movement and strats, and three casual boots seeds -- one where I FFed out after screwing up and dying in GT, one that I didn't finish due to the flight ending, but the third one I did on the return flight back home and that one felt great -- did it without a tracker and performed admirably for where I'm at!

I did some more game theory number crunching / programming for that as well, just to kind of appease my own curiosity with the whole "how aggressively do I want to play", and it seems like "skip EVERYTHING" isn't necessarily the answer all the time, but it's more of a sliding scale based on all of the different variables that we as rando players already track in our heads.  So I think I'm back to thinking that I should play kind of how I was playing before I started thinking I should just skip ALL slow checks.  But this whole exercise has given me better understandings of like, what checks =should= I look to skip and how much do they cost me?  Etc.  In any case, the one race I'm going to put on is something where I'm a little more incentivized to skip aggressively because the more people there are in the race the more you want to be aggressive because you're not going to come in first as often otherwise. 

But that stuff is for another day.  For today, we can do a little bit of patting ourselves on the back.  I think we did okay.  The next thing coming up is Fanime, and then the Mentor tournament (and JaSmix planning.....).  I'm feeling not the greatest about the JaSmix stuff, I'm going to have to remind myself to take it easy with that and just take it step by step.  Mentor tournament should be fun though, I'm looking forward to that for sure!  And Rhythm Quest will just have to take a backseat to it all as usual.  That's fine...it's life.  It's =my= life, at that.

So far so good......

Pandora's Box

There has only been one time in my life, I think, that I felt that I was "not me".  I couldn't =possibly= be me, because everything felt so, so wrong.  Even during the war-scarred times when I had to step outside of my own body and dissociate, I never really felt like I lost my sense of self.  But at that time I felt like an imposter, a foreigner who had stepped in and somehow was in the wrong place, living in the place of the real me.  The only thing I hoped is that the real version of me would come back somehow.  I felt guilty for taking their place, for messing everything up, for not being able to do any of the things that they would be able to do.

Now, even at the end of it all, I am still me, deep down.  Even if you don't know it, I do.  I can feel it not only in my strength but also in my weakness.  In my cries for help and my despair, in my laugh and in my smile.  All of it comes from who I am, and more importantly, who I have been.

If I pray to God will he accept my shame?  What is the difference between forgiveness from God and forgiveness from self?  We are laid bare, have no secrets from God, but what of our own selves?  What are the secrets that we keep from ourselves, tucked away in the little boxes that we know are there, somewhere in the back of our minds, but choose to ignore.  Inconvenient little truths that we aren't ready to look in the eye, even when no one else is watching, why?

Perhaps it is because we don't want to disappoint ourselves, our own ego.  And who could blame us?  The relationship with one's self is ever-present, ever-important.  If we reject our own self then we face constant rejection.  And we know, more than anyone else, how judgmental, how unforgiving, how uncompromising our selves can be, why?

Which hurts more, rejection from self or rejection from others?  We reject ourselves to preempt a "failed product" from reaching the outside world, but at what cost?  Do those "failed products" only find value on the second-hand market, in the back-alley trade of life?  What would it be like, for them to find a home, at home?  What would life be like, if we kept ourselves safe?

And yet, we trudge on, constantly in search of elusive fantasies.  The call of the siren, the anglerfish's lure, the desert oasis.  Searching for the "other keys" that will unlock the boxes we tuck underneath our bed, even though such a thing does not exist.  Those keys rust at the bottom of the river, lost but not forgotten.

Is it worth opening?  Pandora's box.  Without it, there is no such thing as hope in this world.

There is strength in consistency, I know that better than anyone.  If you're never changing, then your past successes will tend to repeat themselves over and over again.  By fine-tuning my course and adjusting things very slightly through iterations, I can get myself on track to do what I always want to do -- have life trend slowly but steadily in a positive direction, across all of the short, medium, and long term.

What's scary is when you realize that if you're never changing, your failures and shortcomings can also repeat themselves over and over again.  Probably everyone has some sort of worry that they "can't change what's broken about them", but I do wonder if it's particularly paralyzing because I've demonstrated a keen lack of and resistance to change in the past.

Then again, this whole past year has a been a year where my bubble of comfort has expanded at a faster pace that I'm really used to; at a somewhat alarming pace, really, sometimes.  Is that "enough" for me to go by, enough for me to believe in, to have faith in?

I've run away in the past too, I've failed to empathize in the past too, I've disregarded humanity in the past as well.  What is to say that I won't just keep doing these things?

I think in the past I've had various strategies for dealing with these sorts of fears, these sorts of shortcomings.  One of them is trying to accept myself as I am (before trying to change at all).  Like, what =if= I never get better at all?  What if I keep on making these mistakes, what if I keep doing these bad things?  Does that also make me, in turn, a mistake, or a bad thing?  Or is that simply a normal facet of anyone who is human?  We know that nobody is perfect after all, everyone makes mistakes.  Is it better, then, for those mistakes that you make to be the same ones all the time, or different ones each time?

What if I could only heal ONE of these things?  Wouldn't that already be a drastic improvement?  Running away...this is something that I feel like I've been making real progress on.  Even the "silly" kind of running away, I'm beginning to understand from a different perspective a little more.  And the more "serious" kind of running away...I'm not sure about exactly how much has shifted on that one, but I can't help but think that it has.

It's always weird.  We analyze our own shortcomings so well, but become so fixated on them that we almost need to justify them in order to move forward sometimes.  It's so difficult to hold the truths in our heart, that we are both flawed, but also capable of being accepted.  And when my mind goes down this chain of thought, my conclusion is always "I must not love those who are flawed, do I?"  Because why else would my mind assume that I'm not loved if I'm flawed?  Perhaps, maybe, possibly, that is the cardinal mistake at the root of it all.  Heh, I don't think it is, but it certainly is a deep cut, isn't it?  Not feeling loved when you feel flawed.

There is, however, a path to forgiveness.  Self-forgiveness.  I think beyond understanding what you did wrong, I think probably the step toward forgiveness is to understand the (probably valid) reasons why you did what you did.  What was the conflict of interest?  What was the misconception that you had?  The missing information?  Was there something that you believed that wasn't true?  Did you run out of capacity for doing the right thing?  The "flawed" part of you is, on some level, only rational.  What was the missing piece of information?  And how can we integrate it into that system, if at all...?

Big Dance 2025

I think I've got like, two different blog posts in me (making up for lost time, maybe?), but let's start with a blurb about Big Dance first.

Link to the last one for continuity: https://ddrkirbyisq.blogspot.com/2024/05/big-dance-2024-viennese-ball-2024-etc.html

Well, that's another year in the books!  It was an interesting Big Dance for me in a few regards, but also a really good one.  This was my 10th all-nighter, I'm really getting up in the years now...it's kind of interesting, always, seeing who ends up sticking around in the community vs who ends up leaving.  I feel like you can't really ever predict it sometimes.  There are certain people who I feel like you =know= are still going to be there every year, but even some of the older folks who have scored more all-nighters than me, they come and go as well.  What's extra weird is the people who started during the covid years (when we didn't have any all-nighters) -- they're significantly my junior, like by many years, yet they only have a few less all-nighters than I do.

The Bridgerton theme really worked well for this year's big dance, so I guess kudos to the team for going with that.  With Big Dance themes a lot of the time we've had stuff like Avatar:TLA and such where some people go for some legit costumes but most other people kinda don't get to contribute or participate in that aspect.  With Bridgerton everyone just came dressed nicely, like some sort of mini-VBall or something (actually seemed quite similar to Bon Bon Ball), so that was nice.

It was a warm night and there were quite a lot of people there early on, but as always, the crowd thinned out as the night went on.  I unfortunately missed out on doing Dawn Mazurka this year, but that's ok -- there's always next time.  Overall I think I danced a pretty "ok" amount, had one or two very good/memorable dances which is all I can really ask for.  I feel like I had more conversations than I usually do, I.........really feel the change in myself, asking people about themselves and trying to speak openly about things with them.  It's interesting because when I got to Big Dance I was preoccupied with other things weighing down on my mind and at one point I really wondered what was going to happen to me, like was I just going to be kinda quiet and off to myself the entire night because I was feeling off?  It certainly =seemed= like something that could have happened...I've noticed that the Stanford scene isn't always the easiest for me to feel comfortable asking people to dance.  But eh, what scene is...?  Haha.  Maybe it's all the same...

But no, yeah, as the night went on I found the weight being lifted off my shoulders a bit, I started feeling happy about just being there and being part of something special that I've been able to join in on so many times before.  All of our special traditions like the Lullaby Gauntlet, Chicken Dance, Hamster Dance, everything was really great.   I think after sitting down and celebrating all of our all-nighters and triple crowns and everything and then doing chicken dance, there is just this really special feeling...I meant to talk about it a little bit in my last post but forgot.  But after sharing that experience with everyone and seeing the sky brightening and all that, it's always a special time in the wee hours of five-something in the morning.  Somehow it really uplifted my spirits.

I started the night with a more Bridgerton-appropriate dress, but I changed midway through to the same trusty outfit that I've worn to pretty much every Big Dance I've been to.  The cute hooded shirt (one of the cutest that I have, haha) over a long sleeved white shirt, and the navy blue skirt that I initially sewed by hand for VBall way way way back when, before I had anything super elegant to wear.  The zipper on that skirt recently totally gave out and I ended up sewing a brand new one onto it...but yeah, those pieces of clothing are still with me.  Reminders of a time really early in my time of exploring different clothing styles, as well as exploring social dance.

It's good to still be here.