Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Creature of Habit

It should come as no surprise that I'm a creature of habit.  The continued existence of this very blog should be enough to prove that.  But by "creature of habit" I don't mean simply that I default to doing the thing that I know, but more than that, that I have a =need= to be engrossed in a habitual rhythm (as I'm writing about in a letter -- letter #999!).  Everyone does, to a certain extent, I'm sure, but I feel like there is a strong correlation between my mental and emotional well-being and whether I feel like I am following the daily life patterns that I know to be good.

Currently things are a mix, really.  I'm doing alright, but at the same time, I know that something is wrong.  Fortunately, it's not a "scary" feeling, not that dreaded, awful feeling of "wrongness", which is one of the worst feelings to have.  But rather, it's more of a feeling that where I am right now, is not really quite where I want to be.  That I'm not comfortable with my current "resting place", if you could even call it that.  And I think identifying and becoming able to fall into familiar patterns is something that will help me cope with this feeling.

I think this is, out of anything, one of the ways that MBTI helps me form a more concrete idea of the way that I function -- in that it lets me put a name, "Si", to something that I already know intuitively to be important.  Speaking of MBTI, I totally mistyped my mother all this time and as it turns out I think she is ESFJ not ISFJ which makes a lot of sense.  Now you know...

As the years go on I feel like the number of things I can write about here become less and less, which makes me a bit sad.  There is something really beautiful about being frank and honest about things, despite how crude and immature it may be at the same time.  I feel like many people look back upon their past writings and ideals and shudder...I think I am glad to have grown in many ways since then, but also sad that things have changed, of course.  There are parts of the old me that I don't think I can truly recapture anymore; parts which I think are actually very significant to my being.  Sometimes I do wonder what it would be like if I could still keep a very direct translation from what's on my mind to what is in this little corner of the internet.  I would probably get in a lot of trouble sometimes.  But perhaps it would be healthier in the end, too.

Though I know from firsthand experience (don't we all) that it can be really atrocious for someone to go on about themselves and their problems all the time, I think it is really dangerous for us to make it a habit to cover all that up and engage in small talk all of the time.  For me, personally, at least, it makes me forgot how to be "real" again, which is frightening.  I think it's good to try my best to avoid falling into that.  I know that I am fighting upstream against the current, even more so when it comes to other mediums like phone calls, but it would be unbecoming of me to stop trying.

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