I feel their silent judgment, the spite in their voices.  These are the kind of memories that leave scars, their mark on your psyche a cruel reminder of a thing that you wish hadn't happened.  In the past I think there was a part of me that craved escape, maybe vengeance, from these sorts of things, but never really understanding.  Even now, I feel that I am judged as "lesser" for that.

Sometimes, like today, I wonder if their judgment is right.  Before I can remember that words belie only their face value, they twisted around, making me question whether the light I glimpsed in the distance was real.

But there has always been something so comforting about standing in stillness on your own.  It is something that is paradoxically both lauded and frowned upon, but regardless of that, it is in these times that safety can be felt, that growth can manifest -- or not manifest.  It is true that we all grow, that we all constantly shift, that it is human nature to evolve.  But not every ledge crumbles, not every castle melts, not every grain of sand slips through our fingers -- not in the moments that we choose to remain.

There was a time when I think standing against the cruel grasp of time and loss was a sort of martyrdom, a contrarian attitude and victimhood for what I thought was to be left behind.  But beneath all of the anger there was also always truth in solitude.  Tranquility is a feeling that can be cultivated, and this is my way.  Maybe not your way, maybe not their way, but my way.

And when I find myself at the still lake once more, I can see through the world for what it is, see the wholeness in myself, see that you, and me, and all others only speak from our small little bubbles of localized truth around us.  I can understand that their judgment, just like the judgment that was passed on me before, and before that, too, comes from a certain set of values and principles.

It's not necessary for anyone to share or support your beliefs.  Yet, it is also not sufficient for you to simply carry them forward blindly.  I ultimately changed myself because of others, yes, but it was not because it was what others thought I should change.  It was...different than that.  My growth can only stem from a certain place; I'm sure it is the same for you, and them, and everyone else, too.

It is tempting to give up on dreams.  I think, in some respects, it is necessary.  But "giving up" maybe doesn't necessarily describe exactly how it ought to be.  We cannot strive for more when we are put in a situation where we are down on our backs.  "Shame" is a whip wielded by many masters, a poison found in many forms.  It is something I can walk away from.  I see the goodness in myself, even without the support of "her" shield.

But, thinking about her probably can't hurt either.  She has grown so much over the years, too, alongside me.  I've never thought about her as someone who was desirable, just simply someone who is strong.  Someone who was worthy of appreciation.  It is often easier to appreciate the positive traits of others than it is for yourself, after all, right?  But I know she would reflect those appreciations back at me, in her own way, if she could.