So I got told by someone I don't even really know that well that I need to learn how to ask for what I want from other people, in relationships, in friendships, in general. Is that why I find myself feeling lonely or unfulfilled a lot of the time? Is that why I feel like I "failed" a lot of my relations, starting from when I was less than 10 years old? Somehow I feel like it kind of is that simple, but also not that simple at the same time. Of course, communication is important. We all have been told that countless times, though putting it into practice is a different story of course, especially when one has learned to dissociate from their wants and needs, and to be constantly on edge for fear of rejection and punishment. But when I think back upon all those years when I felt really lonesome, I don't think asking would have made a difference, a lot of people would have just said no. Maybe things are a little different now, though. Once upon a time I made a promise to a girl that I would never run away from them again. I don't think I ever really kept that promise, though. It's hard to stop running unless you really feel safe. There is this idea of exposure therapy, where supposedly if there's something you aren't capable of dealing with, you just have to subject yourself to it enough in order to become accustomed to it. Actually, that's not quite how it works, though. If I'm afraid of spiders, touching and seeing a whole bunch of spiders is probably going to make my fear worse, not better. If I'm allergic to honey, drinking a cup of honey is probably going to make the allergy worse, as well. I think the idea is that you're supposed to have positive interactions with the thing in a safe space. You know, like if you're afraid of dogs, the idea is to first observe a dog playing at a distance, and not have anything bad happen. Then maybe eventually you can pet the dog. What does it look like to have a safe space to communicate your needs, and to fail? I mean, yeah, I can think about it and come up with some ideas, but maybe it's revealing that my initial gut reaction to that is "that doesn't exist".
Tuesday, May 23, 2023
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I think you’re right, in the sense that asking alone is insufficient. Especially if the other side doesn’t have the mental resources/capacity and/or the inclination/desire to care about you in a genuine way. And the suggestion to “simply speak up for yourself” - while it may be empowering advice in certain circumstances- also implicitly faults you for not receiving what you need (“if only you had spoken up…”). Indeed, we mustn’t be entitled and expect others to be constant mind-readers; yet, when another genuinely cares about us, they will in fact pay attention and try to meet our needs without being prompted; that is a characteristic of real love, I believe. It gives without being asked.
ReplyDeleteI have had OCD for almost a decade now, and exposure therapy is usually the “go-to” medical prescription. With OCD, you’re supposed to sit in the scenario you cannot bear, not perform your compulsions, learn that you’ll survive nonetheless, and hopefully this “oh wow, I’m still alive!” lessens your fear of that scenario over time. But you’re exactly right about that, too; it's not so simple. I have been too terrified of trying exposure therapy and opted for talk-therapy instead, which has helped considerably but hasn’t “wiped out” the OCD mindset and behaviors completely. That said, I still believe exposure therapy helps only on a more surface level; it “dulls the anxious senses” but doesn’t necessarily address or root out the deep heart causes/existential fears that are at the root of many mental crises. One can get rid of certain behaviors/habits, but the underlying heart issues driving that behavior will manifest someplace else. I know for me, it took being around loving people and being in the presence of (their) genuine care to work up the courage to confront and slay some of my inner demons (thus putting an end to the outward behaviors they then induced). The war still rages on...
Thank you for your thoughts.
DeleteI think vulnerability is both important yet also not something we necessarily need to "force" ourselves into. Small practices are important, that is one of the reasons that I continue to write this blog and am honest about the hard times that I go through.
Giving and receiving is a two way street. Well, sometimes it is a one-way street, but in those cases unfortunately the relationship can only progress in one direction, right? Sometimes it's the case that I may just be spending my time in the wrong district, you know those stupid areas of SF or whatever where there are just a ton of one-way streets. But there =are= others who will listen when I speak, I just have to have the courage to do so once in a while. Not always, just once in a while.
I think as with all things in my life practice and experience makes things easier. It is easy to look ahead at the terrifying mountain to climb and forget about all of the slopes that I already crossed in order to get here. It's especially terrifying when you see that you made the same mistake many times over, it makes you believe that you are destined to always continue that way, and you can adopt that as part of your identity. But there will come a time when I look back and I have already crossed that path, too.
Exposure therapy is generally done in gradual steps. The client comes up with a hierarchy from least to most terrifying, and doesn't move on to the next step until they are comfortable with the previous one. For the spider example, it might start with being in a building with a spider in the other room, then being in a room with a spider in a sealed container several feet away, and then gradually moving closer to the spider. This is done while practicing relaxation techniques. This is in contrast to flooding, in which one is exposed to the most intense level of the terrifying stimulus all at once, e.g. being thrust into a room full of spiders. Either way, the point is to expose yourself to the fear-causing situation until you realize it wasn't that bad.
ReplyDeleteWhat you're describing sounds like relational trauma. The only way to heal from relational trauma is by practicing maintaining relationships with other people.
I know it sounds scary, complicated, and/or confusing. There are only a small handful of people whom I feel completely safe around, but through interactions with others I have been slowly learning that most people are not as harsh and unreasonable as my parents led me to believe. It's taken time for it to sink in that there are people who actually want me to be happy and would prefer for me to tell them what I want, rather than guess. When an ask goes well, I write it down to remind myself of it, to help me unlearn my previous beliefs.
You assumed that "a lot of people would have just said no," but you really won't know until you ask.