Well.  I suppose I should write =something=.

Life...isn't "fun" anymore.  But I don't really want to write about that.  Instead I can write about something else that I've been considering lately.  About how to feel good with myself.  And about compromising, about "settling".

They say that you shouldn't "settle".  "Life is way too short to settle for anything less than what we truly want.", one article writes.  Which seems bizarre, in a way.  If life was extremely long, you'd probably be less inclined to settle for anything.  With a short life, wouldn't you be better off sticking to something that is within your reach, rather than grasping for something and perhaps coming up empty?

I've been working on trying to feel good about myself, in a few ways.  I guess dance is one of them -- I'm trying to figure out how I can feel good about my own movement, my own dancing.  It's incredibly difficult.  Partner dancing is one thing -- that, I'm not perfect at either, but at least, I know and understand, somewhat, how I can make myself beautiful, graceful.  But when I am dancing alone, I'm a far cry from being satisfied with my performance.  Maybe it's because internally I'm comparing myself to videos of full choreographies.  Maybe it's because I just don't dance with enough confidence.  Maybe it's because I never had any formal training.  Maybe it's because I simply need more practice.

People tell me that my dancing is good, that it's cool.  But I can't see it as such.  I guess it doesn't really matter as much what other people think, though -- the opinions of others aren't going to lead to a self-confidence in myself.  And even if other people think that I'm awkward, silly, weird, that wouldn't matter as much if I knew for myself that I am good.

The way I dress, too.  I know there are people that thing it's weird, awkward, unattractive, probably.  But that is something that I've learned for myself.  I know what is beautiful to me.

Yet, that, also, is something that I still struggle with.  As I watch myself in the mirror, it's not only my dancing that feels off, but also my figure, my face, my body.  They're not "beautiful".

 

Really, what I mean is that my body isn't an ideal.  My self isn't an ideal either.  I hold those ideals, though.  I want my hair to be smoother.  I want my face to be shorter.  I want my shoulders to be less broad.  My legs to be more curved.  There are a lot of things that aren't what I want.

Should I settle for what I have?

In a sense, I have to, at some point.  I can work out.  I can put on makeup.  I can develop a sense of fashion.  But in the end I'll never be perfect.  I'll never fit that narrow ideal of "beautiful".  I think to "settle" is to recognize the beauty in myself.  But right now, perhaps I haven't yet.  I thought that I had progressed and worked on my dancing so much, but when I try to watch myself, it still feels so lacking.

At some point you end up having to give up on "perfect".  But what do you do then?  Do you use that ideal as a compass, guiding you ever closer to what you need?  Or do you stop and look at what is around you, in the here and now, trying to appreciate everything for what it really is?

As we grow older we lose more and more.  We lose our youth, we lose our energy.  We lose our senses, our hair.  Eventually we begin to lose parts of our mind.  Isn't it painful?  To grow farther and farther away from your ideals?  To know that you'll never be as close as you were to beauty as you once were.  Is that painful?

I guess it is only natural then, to move in different directions.  To recognize beauty in other forms.  To move onto new things.  To toss away our ideals, to live in the moment, to realize that even though we have lost so many things, there is still more to come.  To settle for never being perfect.  Never being as perfect as you once were, even.

I've never learned how, I don't think.  How to embrace imperfection.  Everything in my life that is "wrong", is "flawed", is meant for correction, or complacency.  How can those who are flawed be worthy of love?  What meaning is there when I can never be my best self?  How can I love myself even if I am not beautiful?  How can I love myself even when I am not who I want to be?  Sayuri is easy to love.  She is not perfect, but she is an ideal person.  Even in her flaws, she is beautiful.  But me?

What happiness is there?  If I can never be what I want to be.  If I can never have what I want to have.  If I'm destined to lose everything someday?  Everything that I play with disappears and blooms into flowers.

Perhaps I've forgotten what makes me happy.  Or I've lost it.  With happiness, perhaps we can stand and accept ourselves for being imperfect.  Maybe it helps us to realize that there is value, even in things that are not perfect, not beautiful.  As long as you are happy.

So, how?