As I stare into the face of the next chapter of my life, I'm reminded of...a lot of unpleasant things.  Of loss, of disappointment, of regret, and hopelessness.  I can see now why some people might feel drawn toward the idea of making a clean break from their past.

But of course...

 

So I hang onto my baggage anyways.  I wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't, and at the same time, I wouldn't forgive others for letting go either.  Because to many people, I am now "Somebody's Yesterday".

I guess maybe that isn't true anymore, actually.  Maybe I have started to forgive those from my past for forgetting me.  I began to understand that maybe I was really something that was better to be forgotten than remembered.  Perhaps that is why all of those people refuse to answer when I call for them.  Why wouldn't they?

Over 15 years ago I found myself asking what I was doing wrong, and how I would ever become loved, how I would ever dig myself out of the hole that I found myself in.  After living through trauma, joy, loss, happiness, and grief, I find that I've learned more about the nature of people.  I learned that people often don't mean what they say, but also that people are different than me.

I also learned that being loved is like being asleep.  You can't make someone love you, just as you can't make yourself fall asleep.  The best you might do is to go to bed, close your eyes.  Sleep is something that happens to you, not an action that you do.  I think this is where people get the idea to "work on yourself first" in order to be loved.

But that's really not advice that I would want on myself from 15 years ago.  Not at all.  The me from back then had many rough edges, but those rough patches needed care and bandages, not sandpaper.  I needed help, but didn't know how to find it.  I didn't understand.  But because I didn't understand, I also was not hopeless.

Now, however, I can see more clearly.  It has become a little easier for me to understand how people function.  How connections are formed.  Sometimes, that clarity makes my faith waver.

All I would want for myself from 15 years ago is peace.  I don't think they needed any advice in the end, after all.  They just needed safety.  Of course, they also desperately needed care, too.  But in the absence of that, I think safety is what they needed most.  It wasn't until much later on that they would manage to find it.

 

What I wish for myself in the coming future, more than anything....it is, of course, that peace and tranquility.  I'm frightened, but not only of what may come next.  I'm also frightened of all that has come before.  When I think about it too hard, it feels as if both past and future are closing in on me.  My friends who lost their lives.  Me, who lost my place.  I lost my old self, too.  How much longer will it take for me to reach where I once was?  And even if I do, would it even be a good thing?

I have done so much, for so long.  And no one will ever truly know all of my sacrifices.  I'll just be silently waiting.  Waiting...for what?

Just once, I'd like for someone else to be the one taking care of me.  For someone else to be the responsible one.  For someone else to be prepared.  For someone else to anticipate and worry.  I'd like for someone else to be the one cleaning up the mess.  For someone else to follow through.  For someone else to be the one being left on read.  I'd like for someone else to remember.

It's not just my bias, is it?

Just because I wouldn't complain doesn't mean I don't get tired of it.  You really ought to do your best not to complain.  It's not good.

Would you love me if I let you walk all over me?

Would you love me if I never asked for anything anymore? 

Would you love me if I did everything I could?

 

 

Would you love me if I gave my life up for you?

 

 

 

Would you love me if I changed who I was?

Would you love me if I became perfect?

Would you still love me?

If I stopped trying to make you love me?

It's been an interesting time in my life these days, that's for sure.

I had another trip to the East coast, and for some reason I seem to be being followed around by heat, as it ended up being really hot over there, but of course as soon as I leave they have cooler (rainy!) weather and on the flipside over here we get hit by a record-breaking heatwave.  Sigh...

Anyways the trip was nice!  I got to go sailing, cooked and ate a bunch of food (crepes!), picked peaches and blueberries fresh from the orchard, and planned a somewhat-random excursion to Martha's Vineyard to go pet some alpacas, which was fun and strange.

I played through Mega Man Battle Network 3 over the course of the trip (mostly on the flight there, but also while I was relaxing and trying to just stay indoors away from the heat).  Overall it was definitely fun, though for some reason less fun than I expected.  I remember having fonder memories of MMBN2, for some reason, even though MMBN3 seems to be regarded as a better game.  Maybe it's just rose-tinted lens, but I feel like I enjoyed the boss fights in MMBN2 better; the ones in MMBN3 didn't really seem to click with me and I feel like I brute-forced my way through a lot of them.  I also sort of felt like my folder honestly didn't change a ton over the course of the game after a certain point.  Maybe that's partially my fault because I constantly was equipping the SneakRun program (avoid most random encounters), but I certainly don't regret that.  I made full use of fast-forward to make running around / etc faster, and I also had no qualms using save states to do some random stuff (farming money from the 2 gambling games).  I know there's a lot more to do in MMBN3 after the "ending" in terms of post-game content but I realized that I (somewhat to my surprise) didn't actually really feel like tackling it, so I think I'm putting Battle Network to rest for the time being.  It was fun though!

My time has been a bit divided these days and I find myself bouncing back and forth between multiple things.  I think it's not uncommon for me to work that way in general though; I'm slow and steady over the long term but when you zoom in I think I'm more of an air element type or whatever in that I seem to work well when I'm juggling a few different balls at once.

The main thing of course is moving, which has been proceeding slowly and steadily as expected.  My time there is divided between packing and throwing away stuff, bringing more things from the old place to the new, trying to help organize stuff in the new, as well as doing a bit of research for things to buy that I'll need, such as a new desk (I have an old one, but it's not quite the right size for the space, and I could use a new one anyways) + potentially a diy monitor riser, as well as a small little bug catcher gadget since there seems to be a bunch of buggies around (probably doesn't help at all that it's been so hot...).

I've started making short-form ALTTPR content on my YouTube channel, which has been fun and feels useful.  The first one of those took a very long time for me to go over and setup and rehearse, but I've sort of got a framework rolling now so each new video hasn't actually taken a ton of new effort to make, which is good!  In terms of actual rando play, it's slowed down for me of course, but I'm hoping to do another ALTTPR seed soon and then want to dive into grinding SM.  I was watching a bit of a KPDR any% tutorial tonight on a whim and feel like that might not actually be the worst place to start off...

Pokemon Unite got some major content updates, including a new map, which has been a refreshing change.  There's a part of me that feels like I'll always end up missing the meta from when I started playing, back when buddy barrier was OP and zugrug was tearing things up with good old Snorlax.  The new map has a few issues but it's also been nice in other ways, and feels fresh at the very least.

I'll probably be DJing a couple more Dancebreak events in the coming weeks so feel free to come out and say hi if that is your sort of thing.

Rhythm Quest work feels like it's on the backburner for the most part as I move (and get distracted / take it easy / relax) but I threw in a little bit of work on it this week, so that's something, I guess.  Hopefully I can still maintain some sort of stride in it, but at the same time I also find myself being reminded that there's no reason for me to force it if I don't find it enjoyable.  I do enjoy it though, for the most part; I always appreciate steady progress on my goals...

I'm doing ok, I guess.  We'll see what tomorrow has in store for me, and the day after...