End of Unemployment, Dance stuff

Well, things got a little interesting!

My unemployment ended a bit earlier than anticipated -- I'm now doing contract work for WB!  Got a gig for the next handful of months, mostly working remotely from home helping out with Unity stuff.  Just started only last Thursday, but so far so good!

It's definitely a nice opportunity and I'm really glad it worked out, but at the same time I definitely felt a bit of pressure knowing that my unemployment days were over, at least for now.  The usual flurry of thoughts ran through my mind -- "Did I do enough?"  "I'm not going to have enough time to do these things now." "Did I really make the most of my time?" At the same time, I've always wanted to try my hand at contract work anyhow and this was definitely the perfect opportunity to do that.

Right before that, I got hit by some sort of death plague that has been sweeping across everybody, which was not fun, though it certainly was a great chance for me to just stop doing everything and just focus on relaxing.  Fortunately it only really lasted for a week, and the worst of it was really only three days, but I haven't really felt that bad in a while.  Brings back some unpleasant memories of some other times that I have been really sick =(  On the plus side, I had absolutely no trouble falling asleep for a while because of that.  On the other hand, waking up in the morning was like the absolute worst thing ever...

I missed out on a bunch of dance stuff while I was busy being super sick, so I decided to stop by South Bay Fusion and Gentoo Swing this past week to make up for it.  I won't really pretend that I really broadened my dance horizons, but it was certainly cool having the opportunity to push outside what I normally do and see some other scenes (I have not been to South Bay Fusion in many years).  I guess I did end up reaching a couple of conclusions, not necessarily directly related to those days but inspired by them.  One is that I don't play follow nearly enough for how much more fun it can be than leading and I wonder despite all I've said and done, if that is because I'm closer friends with more follows, or if it's just because I'm falling into the same gendered social norms as everybody else.  Don't get me wrong, leading is great, especially for some dances, but I think there is something more there and I wonder if it is preventing me from having as great of a time.  I won't pretend I don't have my personal preferences and I still daydream romantically about the day when a girl will lead me in a dance and sweep me off my feet, but...  

The other thing that occurred to me is just how well I understand waltz compared to everything else and the feeling of confidence and ease that brings with it.  I mean, that is of course only expected given how much time I have put into the dance as well as the amount of enjoyment I have gained from it.  It's not like I never dance other forms of course, though we all know I love to stay in my comfort zone (not just in dance), but I think it was elucidating to have it illustrated to clearly to me how much more of an understanding I have and how much more "fluent" I am in that language compared with others.  It actually reminds me of when I first started to have one or two very close and very real friendships and how other relationships started to feel a bit hollow and less rewarding in comparison, because that deeper understanding just wasn't there.  I'm sure others have had that experience as well, maybe not in the same way but in some manner.

Like I said, I'm always for staying in my comfort zone, but I also place a heavy emphasis on staying true to what came before.  If I had to name something that bothers me most in other people I think it would definitely be that I find people to be passionate and interested about things one minute and lose interest the next.  I don't think that is a bad thing inherently, it's just something that I personally am really not about.  It makes me feel like nobody is actually serious about things, that they are fickle and can't be relied on.  And of course it's the same for dance too.  The interesting thing about dance is that for me I think to "stay true to what came before" does not necessarily mean always doing the same things over and over again.  Because for many people, myself included, dance involved a lot of discovery and experimentation when we first became involved in it.  And I think to be intensely passionate about learning more, and then do a 180 and feel jaded about anything new, is its own form of moving on from something perhaps without good reason to do so.  I'm not trying to call that behavior out or anything, just saying that that's what I feel ought to be a personal virtue for me.

Anyways, I thought that was kind of interesting since I feel like complacency is not something I am usually afraid of, but maybe in this case I ought to be.  I think there are many people who become complacent in dance, some of whom I think it totally makes sense and I approve of, and others whom maybe it doesn't.  But I'm sure there are many many people who learn one dance role, become comfortable with it, and then just don't feel like starting from ground zero again to learn the other one.  Because that would involve going through all of those same things again.  And I think things like that sort just feels like a shame for people who were so excited about learning them in the first place.  But who am I to judge, really?

Putting all that aside, I've actually had some really great days recently.  I have not been getting a lot done, which I'm sure will start coming to stress me out soon (sigh........), but I have been having a lot of fun and enjoying myself and some great company too.

I know my "unemployment break" is over, but that doesn't mean that I'm not still thinking about self improvement.  And when I say "self improvement" I mean "self regression" because to me "regression = improvement"...anyways, like I've probably said before, I'm still searching for a greater feeling of peace and "quietesse" (not a real word), one that I used to have and one that Sayuri knew quite a lot about.  I almost wonder if I ought to see what she has to say about it someday.

Let's all keep doing our best to hold onto what is important...