Why does time only flow one way?

Why can I not see anyone from the past anymore?  Their presence--no, their very existence, erased.  Mine too.  The old Timm[ie]...why is it that they are gone now, and I can't meet them, can't talk to them?

I guess the same could be said about the Timm[ie] that is soon to be, the Timm[ie] that will be.  But I have no sentiment toward them, no attachment.  It is only the people, friends, love, memories, letters, sounds, smells, experiences of the past that I feel unrevocably bound to.

For a brief moment today, I was talking to you, and I thought fondly about the past.  My mind wasn't filled with regret, or longing, or bittersweet remembrance.  I was simply happy that the past had happened at all, happy for its existence.  That's something that I never feel.

And now, as I finish writing a letter to a friend who I last saw some 6 or 7 years ago, I increment the number in my Letter Log and update the "Last Written To" date.  The last letter I wrote to this person was at around this same time last year.  Ah, that's right...this past Christmas was the one where I was trying to escape my past, to set myself free of my attachments and not keep believing in fantasies.  That was...foolish in a way, but necessary.

Why does the past pull me away from the present so much?  What is it that makes me disregard what *is*, and instead long for what *was*?  And if I really could go backward, wouldn't I just be leaving this moment too?  Even if I really could go back in time to the past, that wouldn't help anything...it wouldn't help at all.  My "now" would just become yet another "past", one that I would have to say goodbye to.

It's not really time, is it?  It's change.  Losing time is always a concern, but really what scares me is the change.  "To change is to die.", you told me.  Does that mean that all those people I once loved are dead now?  In a way, they are.  And how can I not stop to mourn them?

And if they could speak to me, what would they say?  Would they tell me to stop mourning?  Would the Timm[ie] of a year ago, of two years ago, of 7 years ago, what would they tell me?  What would they say?  What would they do?

It used to be so easy for me to speak.  Look at this piece from February of 2005:

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lets look at today.  hey, maybe this’ll actually be a good post.


-got up, ate stuff, went to my flute lesson.  actually did okay, despite…uhm…sucking.


-went to track practice from 2:30-4:30.  ran.  then did miscellaneous stuff.  then ran for half and hour straight.  wheee…?


oh, and sorry jen, i didn’t know you were “uninformed”…-_-;  lol…


-whoo….go..getting stuff done.  kinda.  i guess.  wont go into details because ehh….i wont bother.


-this new PLL alg is….tasty…..heheh….


-it’s thursday.  angel still needs to come over, people should go to the movies, and i still have stuff to get done.


hm…i’m kinda wondering if i’ll experience some flood of emotion.
…nah, it’ll probably feel the same.  or something.


guys are dumb.


oh yeah, recently i’ve been booted off of the computer a lot more often.  whereas before it was occasionally because my dad wanted to burn some dvd, now my brother has been going on an ebay frenzy buying hella games.  which….is fine.  except sometimes i need the computer to get stuff done.  orrrrr i could be in the middle of an important conversation with an awesome person.  oh well….


gosh, i hate it when the aim buddy list window decides to suddenly move around at random.


uhm…..interrupted my chain of thought….(train of thought?……uh….chain?……..tetris attack?)


random moment: me playing wc3 in a separate room in ryan’s house.  other people were chatting and nick says something about a noise and techno.  I get up, pop my head in–”techno?  where?”


uhmm……oh yeah, i got 3 pieces that might work for me conducting.  ehh….most of the stuff i looked at was either bleh, or i didn’t know the conductor, or it was too hard.  (haha, our band playing toccata and fugue by Bach with me conducting.  yeah right.)  i ended up picking 2 bach pieces and 1 mozart.   lol.  expect a bach.


whoo….over 300 words.  i guess this is a good post. XD


uhmm…..


……dangit.  i just ran out.  oh well.


i need to cube more often with Cubie.  awesome.  work on the F2L.


need to play SSBM.  yes.


need wc3.  yep.


uhhh……


hey, cool!  it’s only 9:30!  and tomorrow, i dont have to get up early!  yayy!!!


mwahahahaha….

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Have I really improved since then?  When you read that post, I'm sure all you see is a childish bratty teenager with an ego problem.  But I think that person was better than me in some ways.  Wow, I poured more alcohol for myself than I thought.  Oops oh wlel

I will keep breathing.  I will do what I need to do, it's okay.  If I need to shut down for a bit, I can do that too, a bit later.  The time for that will come.  Right now I'll do what I need to do first.  I can be myself later.

As I lay in my bed, still half-asleep, not quite conscious yet, half-descending into another dream, I wondered to myself who my band director was.  I knew that it couldn't possibly be K, because I had already graduated from Fremont, but I guess because I had been dreaming about marching band again, I just assumed that I was still in it.  It took me a minute to realize that I wasn't in school anymore, wasn't in band at all anymore, and now I'm in Decadance instead.

I feel like shit.  But.  It is because I am tired.  I'm off to the shower now.  And then my bed.  Don't wake me up.

How long does a moment last?

Does it end in the blink of an eye?  Ephemeral, never to truly be experienced again?

Does it linger, as time stretches, and you can't think of anything else?

Does it become forever etched into your mind, something that you can forget about, but never really forget?

Can it be captured?  Can it be relived?  Can it be shared?

Is it something that will live on, years later, as an echo, a glimpse of a time no longer, a memory?

How long, is a moment?

Drafted with my brother's MtG group tonight, after missing last week (b/c I didn't really feel like it and wanted some time to myself) and the week before (was out of town).  Was kind of tired, and I think mentally let that affect me, plus I was slightly rusty.  Was the first time I've drafted BTT and not really known what the heck was going on during the draft, though luckily I managed to come up with something pretty decent.  I definitely made some mistakes playing though...I think I lost a nessian asp b/c of forgetting combat damage dealt through my own Time to Feed not once but TWICE, wow.  I also made decisions that I regretted almost immediately afterwards but didn't bother taking them back, partly because in "real games" you can't just "take back" your moves, and also partly because I was just tired and didn't care 100%.

I probably shouldn't have gone in the first place since N is coming over tomorrow, but it was still good fun despite being tired.  Also, me and N (other N) are talking about doing trauma center co-op, which I really want to make happen, muahahaha.  Trauma Center is always a good time!

There's a Deca performance on Friday before Jammix...I guess I need to be sure to get enough sleep, otherwise I'm just going to be totally burned out Friday night.  I'm hopeful for Jammix, haha, let's hope that it doesn't turn out like the last one did for me.

Work has been...alright.  I think I've been "in the zone" much less often nowadays.  Probably for a variety of reasons, maybe one just because I've been a little more distracted, two because I have more different responsibilities to juggle around, three because we are actually trying to move more slowly than usual anyways, and maybe I'm just tired sometimes too?  Maybe one of these days I should just take a WFH day and sit down and try to just crank through things in my own home.  Get a good night's sleep, take a nice shower, just get myself comfortable and sane and just do what I know I can do.

I'm 5-0 in the Back Draft tourney at work...whee.  That one has been fun; I've certainly been putting a lot of effort into it.

I started thinking about making a Risk of Rain fangame using Unity/C# like a month ago, but...I'm not sure that will ever come to fruition.  I kind of already knew when I was in the midst of it that it was something that seemed too ambitious, so it's probably best if I don't try to pursue it anymore, but it was still a good experience to think about how I would architect out the networking logic.  So even as a thought exercise it was cool.

Ludum Dare is coming up in a few weeks, as is the Journey to Nyx prerelease, AND a Deca performance, all in the same weekend.  Yeouch.  It's definitely not a good idea to do the prerelease along with Ludum Dare, so I'm just going to do LD and skip out on the prerelease, which...makes me quite sad, but I bet I can just get them to do a sealed tourney at my workplace and just enjoy the new set that way.  I was considering doing the Deca performance as well, but in the end I'm deciding against it (unless they really really need me), just because...Ludum Dare is always super draining for me, especially since I put so much effort into it, and I want to stay sane.  Plus, we have oodles of Deca performances coming up, and I don't think it's the end of the world if I don't go to every single one.

I'm actually sort of intimidated by the thought of Ludum Dare coming up...like...am I ready?  I guess that's kind of silly, how "ready" can you really be for Ludum Dare, anyways?  I think I need to really think about what kind of goals I have for this time and what kind of thing I want to make.  I still have yet to make an "arcade style" game, and I think that could be an option.  I could also try and make something artsy, though that's often difficult to come up with ideas for...but that would certainly be nice.  I was almost contemplating how it might be to do hand-drawn animation, but...I really don't think I have what it takes to do that...I certainly wouldn't want to just go for it without any practice anyways.  Perhaps I'll try to make something with simple yet clean artwork.  You know, something with squares and circles and rectangles and such.  -Nice- looking ones.  And of course, awesome music, because that's always the most important part.

I've not been in the best spirits for the past few days, but...I'm still hopeful.  Just going to try and calm down a bit.

This sun and heat really reminds me of so many things...that time two years ago, being at Stanford...but most of all, band camp...memories of a time long past, never quite forgotten.  All of the ridiculous band stories are always precious, even the terrible ones that now in hindsight are something we can laugh about (like the day that K threatened to kick people out of band if they didn't show up with a water bottle, and every single one of us lined up for an inspection.  Wow.)  "Kenneth riding on an elephant at a monster truck rally".  Yeah.

Why must the glass be half-empty all of the time?

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I know you guys are all busy playing the new D3 expansion, but man...in one of my dreams last night I was playing D2 again.  So awesome.  I think I was initially playing as a sorceress, but then I quickly realized what I really wanted to do was play a javazon, because they're pretty awesome and I've never really built one before.  Ahhhhhhhh  Although to be honest I'd probably just play Median XL (or whatever has become of it now), not classic LOD.  bah.

I haven't been feeling that great recently, for some reason.

The past is important to me.  The reason that I like the Little Twin Stars so much?  It's because of Juliann.  And the reason I sign all of my letters with "Love Always"?  That's because of Resa.  Even the brackets in my name--that's because of Belinda and Carolyn.

A Journey with Purrsnickityy

Today I logged on to go on my 6th Journey.  I booted up my brother's PS3, and quickly hopped onto the Journey forums to say that I was logging on, hoping for a chance to finally meet up with a forum member.  Last time around after finishing my Journey I had done some flying practice with my white cloak, trying to practice some of the advanced techniques like chargeboosting and dropshooting and skimming, and I even managed to get into the backstage glitch areas of both the Chapter Select area (via fastflying through the wind wall) as well as the Broken Bridge (clipping through the wall, and later via chargeboosting).  I decided that for today's Journey I would don my white cloak.

When I started up the game, to my surprise I found that I had the "Resume" option, since I guess I had been playing around in the Broken Bridge area last time, so I got to skip the intro cinematic and jump right into things.  In fact, when I hit Resume, I started right in the Broken Bridge area with my white cloak, so I decided to go and activate the second bridge segment and wait for someone to meet me.

After activating the second bridge segment, I went and played around with some flying techniques, trying to get a little better at them (still learning!), while also refreshing my laptop, seeing if I got any replies on the thatgamecompany.com forums.  And then...a white glow at the edge of my screen!  I turned to see who it was, and saw a white cloak chirp-chirp-chirping at me!

I ran towards my new companion, fairly sure that it was a forum member--who else would be waiting at the Broken Bridge wearing a white cloak with only the second segment activated?  They started chirping their heads off and we ran around each other.  Once I did a faceplant and saw that they did the same, I was certain--this was an experienced Journeyer that I had met!

I later found out that I had met TriggerHappyFox / Purrsnickityy.  We spent a bit more time randomly goofing off, including some zen-jumps, and even faceplant jumps, which I am terrible at getting consistently.

We went and played around in the Broken Bridge area for a while.  I was so impressed by the way in which you flew deftly about--here was someone who really knew how to fly!  All I really knew how to do was the easy chargeboost in that area, and was still working on everything else.  After grabbing the three symbols in the area, I spent some time trying to work on flier-assisted diveboosts, which is something I've been trying to get the hang of.  I had minimal success, but it seemed like you at least understood what I was trying to do, and attempted to show me how to do it.  I think I'm starting to get the hang of it after today, but it'll just take a bit more practice before I'm keen on how many pumps I need to do, getting the right approach angle, and also timing my chirp while simultaneously directing the camera angle.

I should note that you are by far the chirpiest companion I have ever met!  It really felt like nonstop chirping at some points, which was so different from other Journeys that I've had!  I almost felt bad at some points where I wasn't being as "chatty" as you; you just had so much energy!  I should also note that it was really different traveling with you compared to the non-forum-goers that I've met, just because of how much we were flying around.  I think I'm more used to just sticking close together with someone, so it was a big change to be flying around and occasionally even losing sight of each other for a bit.  Normally I would make a real effort to avoid flying ahead somewhere, but in this case I felt confident that no matter where I went, you'd be able to follow and catch up, since you seemed so experienced (at least, much more than I).

Interestingly enough, you let me "lead" for quite a lot of our Journey, even though I'm clearly new to all of this.  However, I did know about the BB headbonk glitch entry point, and when I started trying to get in, you got the idea and went in yourself.  We explored the BB backstage for a while; this was the first time I had ever properly explored it, and also the first time that I had ever been there with someone else!  I laughed out loud when you landed on the horizontal sandfall and fell down on your face, letting the sand carry you and deposit you on that ledge--that was so charming, I just had to try it myself.

At some point you also tried faceplant-jumping with me for a bit.  Now, I had tried doing it before, and gotten it once or twice, but I'm still really bad at the timing for it, so it took me quite some time, but I finally got it a couple times! :)

Thank you for all those times that you sat down with me at various points during our adventure together.  Some of those times I just wanted to enjoy the view, and at other times I was pulling out my phone in an attempt to take a picture of something awesome that you had shown me.

In the Sunken City stage, we made our way to the Rest Stop and I tried some more flier-assisted diveboosting there, though I wasn't having too much success.  I should note that I went back there after our Journey and I have a much better handle on it now.  Besides just getting better at aiming and timing my chirps, I've also found that I have MUCH more success doing a reverse-boost (keeping camera down and moving towards the camera) than trying to aim the camera upwards.  It's also much easier to see where I'm going when I use that method, so I'm going to do that from now on.

Thank you for showing me the chargeboosting spot at the rest stop area!  I never knew that that existed, to be honest.  I was honestly amazed by just how many new things I was able to learn from our time together...I've always thought that a lot of techniques and nooks and crannies would be hard to "teach" in-game, but I genuinely felt like I had learned quite a bit (though I can't say I remember all of the different places you took me!).  You showed me how to get up onto the invisible platform at the rest stop that I had only heard of before and never seen with my own eyes.  I took some phone camera photos of us just sitting up there on the invisible ledge--awesome!

After the sideways camera sunset scene, we played around a bit before moving on.  I thought it was actually pretty hilarious how we were both facing the camera doing awkward things...at one point I managed to get myself to float there for a while facing the camera...I was amused xD

We started to play around a bit at the darker area at the end of the Sunken City stage, and then to my surprise, we entered a glitch area!  I still can't actually remember where we went to get into the backstage, but I was really surprised, as I didn't know about this area at all.  And boy, was it wonderful, the sights that we saw.  Being able to see the shimmery sand, and random cliffs that seemed to drop off into nowhere...it was like a whole new world back there!  At this point you were still letting me mostly take the lead, which was actually a bit frightening...this was my first time really exploring any glitch areas, so I kept on being afraid that I would wander off into somewhere that I wasn't supposed to.  At one point you brought me to the place where you can fall down and retrigger the "dramatic falling music" that happens at that area, and we retriggered that twice.  That really had me grinning! :D

Then you showed me the random underground-style column of light that was down there--that was so cool too!  We never actually returned to the stage proper--we ended up going onto the Underground from the backstage, somehow.

In the Underground, I knew there were some fancy flier-assisted diveboosts and such that you could do, but I couldn't exactly remember the details of them (I'm new to all of this!)...but in the end we climbed up the jellyfish room just via tandem flight and actually worked our way into the UG glitch area!  Wow, the third glitch of the run!  We explored a bit there, and I saw a few interesting things, including a weird War Machine that I saw through a wall.

Eventually, though, we stumbled into nothingness.  I followed you for a while, but in the end it turned out that we were lost in there.  It was actually quite a unique experience--my first time wandering around in absolute nothingness together with someone like that.  I felt really lost and afraid to leave your side--I really knew nothing about the glitch areas, so all I could really do was to keep traveling along with you and hope to never leave you.  In my mind I compared it to a sort of Death March of a different flavor.

In the end you sat down and I saw you turn into dust...oh no!  I guess we really were lost.  At that point I panicked a bit--here I was, deep in the middle of a glitch, with no way out but to chapter select, and I had just had a wonderful experience with someone who had just left me and I didn't even know what your name was!  I hastily refreshed the forums but didn't see any replies to the topics I had posted in.

I decided that I would Chapter Select and return to the Underground stage, in the hopes that you would do the same, and that we could reconnect.  After I arrived there, I met a white cloak!  But...it was not you.  No, it was most definitely not you--this person was completely different.  No maniacal chirping, no fancy flying.  I was astonished at how different their character was from you, and how much I could tell even though you guys were both fully-embroidered white cloaks.  I ended up tagging along with this new fellow, and shortly after I saw your message on the forums apologizing for leaving me in the UG glitch after getting lost.  I was so glad when I saw that forum message, to be honest--finally I knew who I could be thankful to! :)

I'm sad that we couldn't finish our Journey together properly--I'm sure it would have been an amazing one, and that I would have learned much more.  But alas, you also mentioned that something came up and you had to go, so it was not meant to be.

The rest of my Journey was rather uneventful--I ran into a random red cloak in the tower, but lost him and connected with a new white cloak, who I lost somewhere in the snow level, and met someone else in paradise.  I activated the last glyph (which I didn't realize I was missing) in the snow level, over to the left of the war machine area, and got the achievement for that.  I also realized for the first time that the heater room (my favorite place in the game) actually turns off after a bit (or maybe it happens when you leave it?), and you can't turn it back on.  That made me really sad. =(

That was also the first time I've ever taken the final death march by myself.  I was a bit distracted since my sister-in-law was dealing with my baby nephew in the same room, but it was definitely a much different feeling, doing the death march alone.  Much different.  I've also started trying to get experimental during the death march, seeing whether I can turn around, stop moving, etc.  Somehow this time I managed to still have the beam of light from the mountain visible even as I fell to my knees and died, which I don't think usually happens.

I found another white cloak in paradise.  I sort of wanted to play around and explore paradise for a while, but in the end I just followed them and flew by it all pretty quickly.  They actually drew me a heart in the snow at the end, which surprised me quite much, since I had just met them at paradise.  It was really interesting how unmeaningful that heart was to me compared to the other hearts that people have drawn for me.

At the very end, when we were walking into the light, I decided to do something sneaky and when they were at the point of no return (when you keep walking forward), I actually turned around and started walking =away= from the light.  Has anyone else ever done this?  Does it look really weird from the other person's point of view?  I feel like this is something I'd be way too afraid to try when I'm with any companion who I care about, since walking into the light together is so meaningful, but I'm still really curious--can you see your companion turn around and abandon you in the last moment, and how does that feel??

Anyways...to TriggerHappyFox / Purrsnickityy -- thank you so much for being such a wonderful companion, and for showing me so much of the wonderful world of Journey that I have never seen before.  It was an excellent first time meeting a fellow forum member. <3  And don't worry about getting lost in the UG glitch--I knew that that was a danger, getting into all of these glitch areas, but...it was just too exciting to pass up.  How can I not want to go and explore whole new areas that I've never been in before?? ^^;

(one last thing: I thought it was hilarious when we went to collect the scarf symbol in the underground in that "tube" and you started awkwardly wiggling left and right while facing the camera because of how the camera angle is set up to look into the tube!  xD)

Tonight's lesson: Dental floss cannot be used as toothpaste.

I get really sad, thinking about the past sometimes.  It's not even necessarily anything specific, to be honest.  Just...who I am, I think.  I had Secret Base running through my head earlier today; it was starting to get me into a...forlorn?  mood.  Not sure what the right word to describe it is, really.  Melancholy?  Not quite...

Spent a lot of last night on cleaning, which was awesome to get done.  Cleaned the kitchen, the floors, put some stuff away, started doing laundry...yay.  They're starting to get my albums up on Overclocked Records now (http://overclockedrecords.com/artist/ddrkirbyisq/), which is cool!

I feel like I've been skimping on writing...well, okay, maybe not completely, since I did get some writing done while I was on my trip to the East Coast.  But somehow I haven't been finding "the right times" to sit down and write, even in my diary.  Right before I go to bed is usually a great time for diary writing, but somehow, I've been ending the day with too little energy for it.  Need to catch up on sleep, I guess.

The MtG "back draft" at work has been going well...I've actually been having quite a bit of fun picking apart the terrible draft pools and trying to build the best decks that I can out of them.  It's actually quite skill-intensive of a format, I think.  Not only trying to build decks across 3 colors, but also the fact that you know what pool -they're- going to be building with, and what deck type they're likely to construct, so you can cater your deck towards working well against their creatures and their game plan.  It's also super-easy to play around tricks because...you know exactly what tricks they have in their pool.  So far I've gone 2-1 in both of my matches.  Some guy got set up and only ended up with 4 (!) creatures though, so he's basically got a free ticket to being 10-0 unless luck is on someone else's side.  I'm actually looking forward to trying to scramble together something with a halfway-decent shot at taking a match win off of him.  My thought is to construct the deck off of a single game plan: Mulligan Aggressively.