Someday, I hope.  But not today.  today i am simply paralyzed

Someday I'll get myself back again.

Perhaps, the fact that I have this "capacity" for sadness, my "reservoir of tears", the ability to just feel like crying whenever someone holds me; perhaps it means that I have never been truly happy all of this time.  How pathetic.  And when someone else is sad, I would just think selfishly of myself, and how if they need a hug, I can feel better too, because I would get one.  And I would just spend time talking with people, all the while wishing I could burden them with my sadness.  Isn't that all my world is?  Just sadness, and inflicting it upon others.

When was the last time that I was happy?  Was it months ago?  Years ago?  Was it before I left college?  Was it in high school?  Was it before I separated from my mother?

That's a really stupid way of thinking, isn't it?  My world isn't all sadness.  It's dancing, making people smile, writing beautiful music, doing well at my job, learning to make friends, talking about feelings, having nice conversations, writing letters, buying presents, loving cloudy days, reminiscing about stories from marching band, ditching class, cooking, watching anime, loving Cinnamoroll and the Little Twin Stars, and being awesome.  How can I say that my world is full of sadness?  Is my world that short-sighted?  Narrow-minded?

"Who am I?"  Who are YOU?  Who are you, to be reading my blog and judging me, judging me, do you even know how much history is behind my writings here?  Do you even understand what I mean when I say "being Timm[ie]", when I say "sucks dirt", when I say "fickle!"?  I'm stupid.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.

It's crunch time for xmas letters again!  I've got 11 done so far, and hoping to get maybe 9 more or so.  Jeez, 20 is so...so FEW!  It's not really that 20 is a small number or anything, but more that sending out only 20 means that there's going to be so many people who I'm not going to be able to get letters to this year.  It feels really strange...

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Makes me cry every time.

Should I become a Hikikomori?

Isn't everything that I write in here sad?  What if someday I really am truly sad, and need help?  What then?  Wouldn't that just be the same as always?

For once, I actually thought about deleting this post.  I'm afraid.

"The trouble with life is that sometimes it's just like building a sand castle. You spend hours and hours scrounging out every meticulous detail, all the while knowing that the thing will fall apart in the end. Then just as things are just where you want them to be, the winds kick up or the tide comes in and the half the damn thing disappears into the universe. Then you sigh and start piling up the sand again."
--Lewis Hom

This relates to the life crisis I had a little while ago ^^;

Let's embrace everything...not only the smiles, but the cries, too, the feelings of want, the loneliness, guilt, depression, anxiety, stress, happiness, hunger, shyness, courage, admiration, self-deprecation...don't hide any of it.

I'm not sure what to write.  Are words really a good enough way to convey emotions?  I guess that's one of the reasons I should try to learn how to draw.  Don't want to tell a story, just want to paint a picture.  But, how?

I'm both happy and sad, but I know exactly why I am happy and I know exactly why I am sad.