Thursday, December 12, 2013

Perhaps, the fact that I have this "capacity" for sadness, my "reservoir of tears", the ability to just feel like crying whenever someone holds me; perhaps it means that I have never been truly happy all of this time.  How pathetic.  And when someone else is sad, I would just think selfishly of myself, and how if they need a hug, I can feel better too, because I would get one.  And I would just spend time talking with people, all the while wishing I could burden them with my sadness.  Isn't that all my world is?  Just sadness, and inflicting it upon others.

When was the last time that I was happy?  Was it months ago?  Years ago?  Was it before I left college?  Was it in high school?  Was it before I separated from my mother?

That's a really stupid way of thinking, isn't it?  My world isn't all sadness.  It's dancing, making people smile, writing beautiful music, doing well at my job, learning to make friends, talking about feelings, having nice conversations, writing letters, buying presents, loving cloudy days, reminiscing about stories from marching band, ditching class, cooking, watching anime, loving Cinnamoroll and the Little Twin Stars, and being awesome.  How can I say that my world is full of sadness?  Is my world that short-sighted?  Narrow-minded?

"Who am I?"  Who are YOU?  Who are you, to be reading my blog and judging me, judging me, do you even know how much history is behind my writings here?  Do you even understand what I mean when I say "being Timm[ie]", when I say "sucks dirt", when I say "fickle!"?  I'm stupid.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.

1 comment :

  1. One needs sad times to appreciate and even comprehend happy times.

    Being able to appreciate the two-fold quality of a hug just shows how empathetic you are/can be.

    Don't worry, be patient with yourself.