Friday, December 27, 2013

The past few days have been...alright.

Christmas came and went.  Somehow, I found it upon me sooner than I had expected...I was wrapping gifts last-minute, making deliveries without planning everything out beforehand.  I missed my deadline for E, which was sad.  There's one person I still don't really have a present for, and I don't know if I will.  I found myself remarking that I hadn't really gotten hyped up about Christmas this year, it seemed.  It almost seemed like I was a lot more excited about it a month or two ago, before we actually got here.  I was looking forward to the winter weather, and the holiday spirit, and seeing friends; people like C and B.  I did get to see C and B, actually, which was really really nice.  I'm going to spend some more time with them soon, maybe this weekend or something.  I really want to spend time with them.

I think part of it is just that the sudden burst of cold that we got kind of threw things off balance a bit.  But I think more importantly, I was sort of caught off guard by Christmas actually being here.  And I think that's in big part due to the conflicting feelings I've been having about...well, everything, but Christmas letters specifically.  I wasn't on top of my letters and my presents and everything because I simply didn't know how I was supposed to feel about them.  I'm still not exactly sure about how I'm supposed to feel about it.  Did I do the right thing this year?  I'm not sure.  I think that it's a mistake to go on like I did for all these years and write all of these letters that may be "meaningless" in the end.  I think that's a mistake.  But somehow the way that I did things this year feels so hollow in comparison.

My idol wasn't around for Christmas this year, which I was sad about because I would have liked to spend time with her during it.  But I did get to see her recently, so that was nice, I guess.  I was actually extremely happy to get a letter from K; she is definitely the person who has come through time and time again in thinking of me and writing to me, and that really impresses me.  I almost decided not to send her a letter this year; after all, can we really be considered "friends" anymore if we know so little about each other's lives?  But I wrote to her anyways, remembering how faithful she is in still writing to me, and I got another one this year too.  It's really wonderful.

I had a bit of a revelation about someone today.  Not that ground-breaking, but sort of a realization that helped me attain a bit of closure.  That sort of "realization" moment has happened to me before, when I decided that it was okay for me not to like dancing with a certain person, because I realized exactly what it was about them that made me feel that way, and I was okay with avoiding them because of it.  This time again, I realized something about my relationship with someone, and although it can't change how I feel about them, it sort of puts me at ease knowing that I understand why things became the way that they are now.  And, I guess, knowing that it's not because of a mistake or anything.

I've been spending a lot of time either doing relatively nothing at home, or spending time with my two guy friends (not together).  I finished both Mega Man 10 =and= FEZ this week, which is actually really awesome--it's not very often that I get to actually check games off my list like this.

Family gatherings are becoming a little less tolerable for me, I feel.  It's not anything bad with them; I just find that I can't handle it as well.

My new phone case finally came in!  I'm really happy with it, and so happy that it arrived.  It looks great, and lets me attach my charms to my phone too.  It just feels wonderful having a proper phone, now that I have a Little Twin Stars case and now that I can have charms dangling out of my pocket again.  Phones really don't feel right to me without charms on them; they really really don't.

My room was in disarray...has been in disarray.  I sort of cleaned up a good portion of it, but there's still some stuff that needs to be put away.  The bigger problem is all of the pencil boards, posters, and prints that have been falling off the walls.  I stopped dealing with them and putting them back on, partly because I got overwhelmed and just was busy with other things (no...more like I just got too lazy), but mostly....mostly because I don't really know what to do about it.  I don't mean that in a practical sense, like in "what should I do to fix this problem?".  No, I mean I don't know what to do with my room, and all of the decorations.  I don't know whether I should move out of my current place and just rent a studio all by myself so that I can have a different atmosphere, have a change of pace, have a "sanctuary" to my own again.  I don't know whether I should keep all of my wall decorations on, or start taking them all down and simplify my room decorations to a more normal state.  Or should I reorganize them all, taking some down that aren't important anymore, and taking down the ones that are hard to keep up?  I don't know.

Just like I don't know whether to get highlights either.  I keep talking and talking about it with my friends, but I never reached any decision or conclusion.  I thought I did at one point, when I was like "I've thought about this enough; I think I just need to go and do it.", but my mind still isn't sold on it, and I still don't know what color of highlights I would get.  I might just not end up doing it after all.  I don't know.  I really don't know, I'm sorry.

Today was pretty miserable.  I spent most of the day doing nothing, really.  I did some work, yes, but not that much.  I fed my friend's cats, which was good.  I uploaded the Match Girl OST, and I did OHC.  But the afternoon was totally wasted.  I was just sitting in bed, thinking to myself that I had no idea what to do or how to feel.  I stared at my room and all of the decorations that are falling off the walls, and I just didn't know anything.  And I thought of the Timm[ie] from 2 years ago, that knew himself so well, that was so confident and so peaceful, and awesome.  And I cried, I cried because I have totally lost that, and I don't know what to do, if I can get it back, if I should even get it  back.  I don't even know.

I spent the rest of the afternoon just sort of sitting and lying there feeling pitiful for myself because, you know, that's what I do when I get like that.  I wasn't really depressed, actually--I was just...-sad-.  I guess those two words might not have the same connotations for you as they do for me, but that's a difference that I felt.  The only other real thing I did was read some random things on the MBTI/Myers-Briggs forums.

I'm really sick and tired of this.  I don't know what I want or what I'm supposed to want.

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