Growing older, I can't tell whether it's gotten better or worse compared to before -- the feeling, sometimes, of wanting to turn my back on the world.

I always knew that the world was "against me". Not that it was opposed to me singularly, but simply that the world is -- sometimes, often, mostly -- a tough place that doesn't necessarily provide for you, at least not in the way that you might like.

In my younger years I think I felt this more as a sort of oppression; that I holed up in my bunker, awaiting the days when I would venture out into the forest and search for sustenance.

Now, it is different -- there are no bombshells raining down, no shots of gunfire. It is the world itself that has gone darker. It is no longer a matter of resistance. It is a question of subsistence.

Why do I dream? And when will it end?

What else can I say, really?

Things are alright. Not great, not bad, just alright. I seem to have drifted away from ALTTPR for now, I guess Rabbit & Steel has occupied my casual "off to the side" gaming and Overwatch occupying my more improvement-oriented and committed time. It's certainly interesting sinking time into a multiplayer game like this, but the fact that I'm still on it means it is still fun, at least. I'll be back to ALTTPR, surely, but a break never hurt anyone, really. I'm sure I'll be back at it when I attempt to do the whole crosskeys thing, and that'll suck up a lot of time.

Autumn weather is almost here and we've finally made it through summer's last hurrah. I conferred with the others and I decided against pulling out the charcoal grill for now, though there's nothing stopping me from doing it on my own to cook a dish or two if I want, I guess. But I've got other priorities for the time being. I'm sure the change of weather will be good for me.

I'm on three new sets of keyboard switches. My GMK67 now has HMX Retro Sakura silent switches, which have been working well! They don't totally silence sound, you can still hear the keycap impacts and all that, so it's actually a good fit for the situations where I'm using it anyways. In my Neo80 I have the Keygeek Y2s...these have been a little more of a miss, unfortunately. The "sound impact" that the different stem shape causes is definitely a bit different, in a way that I think is fine and enjoyable, but the sound unfortunately just isn't as "clean", sometimes a bit of ping or squeak or something, which is a little disappointing given that what I've read of those switches doesn't correlate with that. Surely it's not the board itself I don't think...I'll have to swap back to either the Tipsy Reds or the Huano Sakuras and see what the differences are like. My Cycle7 (still on DSA Pastel Dreams -- the Neo80 is on the Osume cherry blossom set) is now kitted with HMX Mochis, which I've just started using today and am really enjoying quite a bit! Previously the Cycle7 was using HMX Twilights which were quite loud and high-clack-forward, but I've foamed up both boards, plus this is just a quieter and lower-pitched switch. It's not a "deep" sound in this configuration, but it's not as aggressive. More notably, it's got a 32-37g weight, which is quite light. It does feel a liiiiitttttlle off on the backspace key for whatever reason, maybe the stabilizer or the keycap isn't fit exactly to tolerances well, but everything else is fine and the lower weight is honestly quite enjoyable. It's got a full 4mm of travel, too, which I enjoy. Almost feels like a bit TOO much, even, at times, though that could just be in comparison to the other switches; I'll have to remember in the future that travel of like 3.7mm is totally fine too.

Letter writing season is quickly approaching so I've been trying to make good progress toward some things on that front. Besides two birthday letters I have my voter outreach postcards that I need to take care of, so I've been spending some hours here and there idly playing some videos while getting those addressed, which honestly has been great. Nothing like some easy rote productivity to spend your time on and feel like it hasn't been totally wasted.

Rhythm Quest work continues to go along, I have days where I don't really work on it that much, but then other days where I feel like dang, I really did a lot of good stuff. Today I didn't do a =ton=, but I did achieve "enough" -- reworked the palettes for a new background, tweaked some backdrop layers, reexported some things, etc. Nothing too exciting, just...work. I also did some mulling over in the back of my head about how to handle the credits stage (maybe getting closer to an actual idea?), and some thoughts about what to do for the menu backgrounds (definitely getting closer to an actual idea). So far, so good...

Change is death, in that sense we are all "dying", but still, it feels messed up to have parts of myself die the hand of another. There are things that were taken from me, that I'll never have back. Not time, energy, those sorts of things, but rather, the ability to be a certain way. I mean, the end result is...fine, I guess, I don't feel all messed up as a person because of it, it's just...not the greatest feeling.

This time, though, when I crossed paths with someone, I find that things are the way I thought they should be all along. Even when our paths diverge and we part ways, we quietly understand. I feel and know that I am valid.

I find that I may have grown, not just stronger, but more able to see beyond myself, to extend the threads of connection to others. If I have grown, though, it is not because I pushed myself, but because I found acceptance for who I was. You won't take that away from me. 

2026.08

https://ddrkirbyisq.bandcamp.com/album/monthlies-202608 

As I get older, I find that everything seems to matter a little less. I still go through ups and downs, still get upset and worried, but with enough perspective you start to feel that things just aren't as big of a deal as they used to be.

I think in the first half of my life there was more of an assumed emphasis on the moments that mattered. About performing at your best, about rising to meet a challenge. How well did you do on your standardized tests? Did you win the competition? Did they fall in love with you? Perhaps meeting people felt that way too -- putting on your best, trying to perform, seem cool, or at least on some level, portray yourself in a certain way. Having someone appreciate and like you, it was like passing a test.

After a while, perhaps "failure" or disappointment starts to just become a normal, expected outcome, rather than something you need to avoid at all costs. But it's not just the failures, it's also the bright points, that start to seem dim as you broaden and lengthen your perspective. The best day of your life, how long did that feeling actually last? That thing you worked so hard for, what did it matter across your life?

I was standing at dance earlier today and thinking about the pressure I always felt, that I was "supposed" to be making the most of every dance opportunity. It was something I had to consciously learn to not get swept up in, to stay my place and stay my peace. But I think I have an even different feeling about it now. That, even if I did dance, then so what? Would it even matter?

I thought to myself, there's a really good chance that all -- or at least most -- of the best social dance experiences in my life are already behind me. I'm not old or disillusioned enough to think the same way about the best days of my life, but it got me thinking, a bit, about things. People come and go, we make a difference and then are forgotten, our pets grow with us and then pass away. There are scant few things in my life that I feel like they really, truly matter. I can't seem to decide whether that is liberating or just disheartening.

You are so many *lonely* *juicy* *bubbles*. It is so sad.

Now that you are *campers* you will have more *parties*

and no more *sad* *lonely* *bubbles*.

This is the *secret*.

There is *juice squeezing* and then we are not so *frumple*.

Meeting someone new, feels a bit strange these days. I was always unapologetic about who I was, in some regards, but it feels like in the past I also had a vision of who I wanted to present myself as. That "mask" was an important part of my self-concept, you could even say that I specifically sought out social spaces where I could don it. But this, too, seems to be a part of myself that I have lost, had stolen, or simply faded in its former brightness. There is such a thing as trying to hard to be perfect; when someone takes issues with your flaws in a way that is hurtful, does it really do you any good to hide them away?

On one hand, perhaps it allows me to be more nonchalant, less anxious, more true to the day to day experience of myself. It's a similar thing that happened with my music production process -- there's not as much of a pressure for getting everything "perfect", because it's an understood part of the process that there will be good days and bad days. So, maybe it's the same when it comes to first impressions, as well. There is both so much but also so little that you can know about someone by meeting them. No words, no labels, could hope to convey a fraction of the meaning and substance that a life holds.

There was an annoying dinner conversation I overhead once (annoying I think not because of what the person was saying, but because of the know-it-all attitude they seemed to be conveying it with) about how people ("women"?) say / think they want someone funny, charming, sincere, but really they want to be with and interact with someone who knows how to be all of those different things, at the "right" times. I don't really think I agree with that framing either, but I do think that the more I learn about who people are the harder it is to boil them down into absolutes. Maybe it is because myself and the people around me in my age group have become more well-rounded individuals, but it is hard to look at someone anymore and just say "they are quiet" or "they are funny" or "they are nice". I guess describing people is difficult in general.

It should make me feel as if I have more depth to who I am, but strangely enough, it makes me feel like there is less. I staked what I had of my life and existence on being certain ways -- I min-maxed myself to the extremes, and even the outcomes were questionable in the end, at least I was sure of it. Now, things are different...though, perhaps not as different as they might seem. The overall goings-on of my life are still dictated by routine, it just seems more...mechanical than lived. That is not to say mechanical in a lifeless sense, more that it is fixed machinery that is simply working as intended. I guess my life still somehow revolves around things that were lost to the past, the difference is that before they felt "real" enough that I could grasp onto the threads with my hands and fingers. Now, they are simply lost to me. I'm not sure I know what being in love feels like other than something that hurts.

Stay, won't you? My love for you is so unwavering that I may sometimes have even taken it for granted. We may never be like we were once before, but that's okay. Of course, if you could, be what you once were, it would bring me happiness too, but that's not the way that things go, is it? So it's okay. As long as you stay. And I will do my best to keep you warm, to keep you safe. As I have, throughout it all. Not because it was some great sacrifice, but because it was simply the most natural thing for both of us.

=====

Things are alright, recently. There is some worry, but also some hope, in different regards. We will see if it bears fruit, or at the very least, serves as nourishment for living.

I continue to spend some time on these various things. OW has continued to be an interesting avenue to pursue. It's such a dynamic game that is demanding in both mechanics and decision-making in complex ways; there are days when I feel like I'm really not doing well, and then days when I feel like I really am. It is fun, but probably only for the sake of having others to celebrate the wins with, to witness our improvement.

That hasn't been the case for most of the other hobbies I've pursued, which is an interesting difference. I won't lie, ALTTPR =has= been a little less enjoyable now that I've taken a step away from the reddit weekly seeds, but it was honestly less about having other people to witness my performances and more just having the weekly thing to do. But aside from being busy with other pursuits (like mentoring, or working more on my website), it became a little unsatisfying to see my times stacking up against someone who, shall we say, is "unnaturally lucky".

Rhythm Quest work continues here and there, still working on backdrops. I haven't sunk a ton of time into it recently, but I managed to spend enough time to come up with something pretty decent-looking (?) for the next rework, just have to put it in-engine and see if it needs tweaking and adjustments at this point before I proceed to doing palette work.

I've been doing an okay job overall, I think. Sure, there are slip-ups here and there -- yesterday's cooking wasn't too great, for example, and I'm struggling with oversleeping on some days -- but I am getting the right things done here and there, too. Doing the groceries, as usual, handling my smog test, and all that. I could use more exercise soon, I'm sure, so there's that. But even that isn't too terrible -- the last time I went ice skating I felt like I really was getting somewhere with it.

Interestingly, I find myself less excited about tea these days, but I think that's somewhat understandable, to be honest. It's still enjoyable, just not an uncommon, novel, and exciting endeavor. It's just an everyday part of life.

I guess it's somewhat regrettable to be taking a step away from social dance, but not even that much, really. That's probably how I know it's right -- the lack of guilt, or regret, or anything like that. But then again, I've always been pretty good about just deciding what I want to do and pursue, and deciding for myself when to change course. Usually more slowly than others (in the case of social dance, extremely so), but it's often very clear to me what I want. No so much when I just feel empty and hollow and not like doing anything, but that's a different sort of affect entirely. Thankfully, these days seem to not be filled with that feeling. Maybe that is a step in the right direction.

=====

I still think about you from time to time. I feel sorry for you, and maybe a little guilty. It shouldn't have been like that. But what could I do, really? I chose my path, the "correct" path for dealing with it. I just hope that you were happy. You were, right?

2026.07

https://ddrkirbyisq.bandcamp.com/album/monthlies-202607 

I wished, at the beginning of the year, for peace, recovery, tranquility, rest, respite. Thus far, the summer has been a mild one, so my silent prayers have come through in at least one way. For the rest it is, of course, not simply up to the whims of fate, but something that I can take responsibility for as well. It has not been easy to cultivate the quiet peace that I know so well, but there have been pockets of time and space where I relish in the feeling. I know that I will ultimately not end up benig able to return to the place from whence I came, but still, I am convinced that I will be "at home".

In the moments of clarity amidst sleepwalking through life, I think to myself that I would like to be more like Her, that if only I could fold my hands, breathe calmly, and wear a silent smile, that the warmth would spread from inside to out, from outside in, through the rest of my body and heart. And like the warm light of the lantern amidst the snow, it would remind me that not all things are pointless, destined for sadness, that the in-between moments of solitude can themselves be sacred, that in the middle of our dreamwalking we are infinite.

We become what we do -- our actions dictate who we are. During those times when I feel powerless to steer myself onto the path, I shall remember that there is always a strength that I carry within myself, if I stop for a moment to let the lily blossom. Even in the heat of the summer sun, we can recall the feeling of the rain gently trickling through the morning fog. I may have loosened the threads that tie me to my past, but I still draw energy from my memories. 

I met them in my dream -- the one that I said "I love you" to. But in the end I knew that they wouldn't understand anything I said, that it was all just make-believe. It made me cry, just a little bit. To be together with that person, yet, really, truly, not at all.

Life is both a blessing and a curse. Why are we born into it? There is no such thing as regret after we are gone. Maybe the suffering of existence will cease to be, too. Is that, what it means, to truly feel peace? Have I ever felt such a thing before? Where there are no more voices, no more thoughts, no more ungranted wishes.

I spent my day just finishing up my drawing. It took up pretty much the entire day, aside from cooking, napping with baby girl, and a little outing we had. It turned out alright. Not fantastic, but alright, and I was happy to get the task accomplished. Perhaps my monthly artworks have really become more like my One Hour Compo entries in that regard -- they're consistently alright, and I get them done, despite not always being great. That's a fine place to be, though.

I felt a little bit of it, today and yesterday, a little of that emptiness. I'm thankful that I managed to get what I wanted to, accomplished today. Didn't manage to get the groceries done, but something else came up in its place, and I'll be able to put together something tomorrow anyways, so it's fine. I tried the gongmei that I was gifted and it's...not great, to be perfectly honest. The people who gave me this tea also gave me some other white tea that was a little off. I guess I shouldn't really be surprised. On the one hand, there's the technical aspect of them probably not knowing where are reputable sources to buy from. But on the other hand, there is certainly a more spiritual aspect to it, as well. The "vibe", as they say, ends up mattering more often than not, because sometimes there are establishments, people, settings, situations, that you already know won't be amenable to you, without having to spend more time with them. As someone who is not "of the norm" in so many ways, it's easy to tell when a place or a group of people is welcoming of people who are different. I'm sure a lot of you understand what I mean.

I called it on JaSmix after some more issues came up (not even under any of our control). Well, it's not necessarily even a bad thing given where I am with dance these months. Better luck next time.

I get to play some more ALTTPR with the mentees tomorrow, so hopefully that will be fun. There is a part of me that wonders, "why am I bothering to still do this", but it's not really stemming from the fact that it's a bad activity or a poor fit for me or not enjoyable, it's just more that I seem to be questioning that for everything regardless of what it is. Nihilism and all that. I always thought that the day would come when I would revoke everything worldly and pursue spiritual peace through rejection, yet, also, I knew that in my heart there was something also that kept me from it, that kept the fire of rebellion burning against "peace" attained through those means. Years ago I felt like I had been hurt, changed, made into a worse version of myself, even, but it is an even more disorienting feeling to not know whether that flame even exists anymore whatsoever.

I feel a twinge of anger, a sort of "I will do it all and become the best", but of course, anger is no peace; far from it. I know that I am constantly "dying", constantly being reborn as someone else. In that way, I'll never be able to be who I once was, but sometimes that bothers me more than it does other times. I've felt more sad, more angry, more depressed, more weary, but perhaps I have not felt so disillusioned before. I am "supposed to" take care of myself, but it feels like just another one of so many things I am put through. Of course, that is only natural. It is just really annoying not having around what made me strong. Now I am just capable, without any real strength.

Should probably write in here more often, I always found it to be theraputic earlier in life to write down all the mundane stuff. I've been trying to see if I can get back on using Quabble and those kinds of apps also encourage the same sort of "unwinding" practice. There's the whole concept that when you speak and share words, they have less power -- less power over you, less power in general. Maybe that's not always the case -- I have known plenty of people who try to give their words more power by writing it down. But, then again, I have to wonder, are they even successful? I have, after all, seen a lot of sticky notes and reminders, new years' resolutions, that fail.

I have love in my life, many loves, though many may not be who you imagine them to be. I am lonely, perhaps, but not loveless.

Went to FDC last night. They mistook me for being younger than I was -- either that, or mistook the other person for being older than he was -- but I have a feeling it was more the former. It was funny hearing myself addressed as "sir" and "ma'am" alternatively by two different servers. Sometimes it hits you just how far "behind" some parts of society are.

It was fine, though not the best -- I've certainly had better, and in terms of value for price it's horrendous, but you aren't really going there for "value" anyhow. I paid for the visit -- a rarity, but I felt fine doing it, not because I felt some sort of obligation, but because maybe it'd get them off my back for a bit.

I actually drove off to there right after hastily finishing up a vod review for a mentee, so I didn't have time to really clean up (which was fine). We've finished the swiss ruonds of the mentor tournament, which means hopefully I'll start reclaiming a little bit of my time back. It's...honestly a bit tricky to say how much fun I had mentoring this year. I mean, it was fun this year, don't get me wrong, but I think it's a little muddied up by the anhedonia and depression I had mixed in there through some of the weeks and days. I've spent a lot of time doing vod reviews and working with folks, and I don't regret it, but I've of course realized that I need -- no, I =want= -- to be more guarded with my time and energy. It's important to say no when you don't actually want something -- in the days of yesteryear, I tried to say no, multiple times, but I backed down when my "no" was met with its own "no". I should not have to allow others to refuse my "no". Consent means consent.

I made a pretty big mistake while mentoring, which was a cruddy way to cap the season off, but hey, that happens, right? It is a reminder that as much as my frail little ego wants to believe that I'm just the best at everything, I'm really not. It is often uncomfortable for me to encounter the truths of the world, which is why I've gotten so comfortable with being a big fish in a small pond. On the one hand, living with that sense of having to fear your ego being hurt, isn't always a great thing. On the other hand, there's nothing wrong with wanting comfort, even at the cost of growth.

I got gifted some gong mei, which I tried a bit, but have not gotten to brew properly yet -- will have to do so tomorrow and evaluate how I feel about it. At least, tea is always something that is nice to have, how can it not be?

I started watching Journal with Witch and am loving it so far! I know nothing about how the series ends aside from the fact that someone said it was "9/10 instead of the 10/10 it could have been". But that's fine -- it's a mistake to come into stories expecting anything lofty anyways.

I got some drawing done at the cafe, but will have to finish the rest of it later. It could be a good thing to work on tomorrow. Maybe if I'm feeling audacious enough, I could even try to work on drawing for Rhythm Quest next, or -- God willing -- another album cover. I tried some tieguanyin dark roast milk tea while I was there...you could really taste the "dark roast" part of it. It's so interesting how varied oolong teas are, and how specific my taste can be with them. There are probably so many that I'm just not a fan of, but there is just that one vein that I like. Whereas I've only really met one or two white tea varieties that I don't really like at all.

I was looking at an acquaintance's social media post and they got a reply saying something to the effect of "please update ___ when are you going to do ___" (relating to the game project they had published, which was completely unrelated to what they were talking about). And I realized that if Rhythm Quest ever gets completed and becomes successful this is also what lies in store for me -- random people commenting on unrelated posts demanidng that I work do more work on the game. Actually, it's already happened on my youtube videos with people demanding that I release more videos or hurry up and finish the game.

Anyways I didn't do any work on Rhythm Quest these past few days. Gee, I wonder why.

JaSmix scheduling is still in limbo but at this point I don't care anymore. If other people let me run it then I will, otherwise I won't. Who am I to put an arm and a leg in to run an event for people who are just specks in my existence? There are no more one-way streets in my life, no more free passes. You don't get something for nothing. You don't get a free lunch.

Overwatch has been running 6v6 experiments with 1-3-2/flex roles, which has been...interesting. I still prefer the 5v5 game modes for sure, but I'm sure part of it is also just that my character is essentially nerfed, and not only does that mean I have less impact, it also means I'm just not used to the way that I have to play. I feel like I'm not doing as well, but I guess, that is also kind of to be expected. I just have to keep trying to be cognisant and focus on my positioning and engages.

I tried to reach out to someone who had helped me get in touch before, but they didn't answer. That ditn't really break my heart or anything, just, had to make do and survive on my own for a little longer, again. It does seem a little sad though, now that I think about it. Yet another person failing to come through for me? I don't think it's unfair at all, there is no sense of "I did so much for you, why can't you do more for me" (like I have in the earlier years) because that's not the case at all. But there is a sense of "oh...who is actually gonna come through". To that, I am not sure what the answer is yet. I am trying to have an open mind...but not too open, I guess.

I "die" tonight, as I do every night. And tomorrow, another day. My companion has become ever more demanding, more noisy, almost less gentle, I would say. But I guess all beings change, given enough time. I still love them. And for once, I know that they still love me.

I am the wolf in the desert, the star that shed its orbit. I am the bird who clipped her own wings, the caterpillar who refused to emerge. I see the threads beyond the fabric, carve my story with words left unspoken. I understand everything that matters, because nothing does. I carry my pain, my emptiness, my sadness, my peace, my soul. I carry them forward, I carry them back. And through it all, I sift through the infinite grains of sand, knowing that as they slip through my fingers they are forever.

I guess it is a lesson I've taken away from my experiences? I'm beginning to think more along the lines of "why should I?", and "what have you done for me lately?". In the earlier times, it used to feel impossible for me to stop pouring effort into things because it just felt like there was no other option -- even a bad friendship, for example, was better than no friendship at all.

Maybe a couple of different things changed there. Not just the fact of having some connections that actually bring me happiness, but also having gone through relations that were =worse= than having no connection at all. When you are starving you are kind of desperate for any kind of food, no matter how good or bad it is for you. And it's easy to say "you should watch what you eat" but that is really hard to justify to someone who feels like they just need any sort of sustenance at all.

And so, it has become easier for me to push aside those things that are not serving me well. It is surprising sometimes how easy and clear it is for me to see. There is almost a sense of "why didn't I see this earlier?", even though of course the circumstances were different earlier.

Perhaps it is a bit presumptuous to say that I have simply become better attuned to my feelings. But I have to imagine that is a part of it, too. This is probably what they mean when they talk about "authenticity" being a shield that protects you in life -- either by keeping you away from experiences that are bad for you, or simply by warding off people who you don't want to be in your life.

Of course there is a flipside to all of it, too. There are things that you lose if you go too far, if you become apathetic and unwilling to put in any effort for anything, if you become faithless, and assume the worst outcomes. But there are avenues where it is simply clear that it does not behoove me to put in more effort if I don't want to. There are strangers who have done absolutely nothing for me over the course of my life, demanding that I work harder to fulfill their wants and expectations. Why should I? What do I get out of it?

A lot of the time in this world the only person who's really looking out for your own happiness has to be you.

Why is it that people have such exacting standards for who they deem worthy as romantic partners, but assume that they will be alright spending the rest of their lives taking care of their children, no matter who they turn out to be? Is it because they plan to mold them, craft them to their specifications, to fulfill their needs, coerce them into being their caretakers in their old age? Or is it a matter of assumption -- that "one descended from me by blood must think and feel alike" -- despite speaking in the previous breath of how they vow to be different than their forebearers?

If they could, would they also craft their mates to their own specifications? Telling them right from wrong, instilling virtues, setting rules, and punishing them when they rebel. Choosing their outfits, their hairstyles, their gender identities. You say "no" to the thought of an artificial partner or child satisfying your needs, then quickly open the next app to specify the age, height, personality, salary, blood type of the one you wish to meet. If life gave you a choice between children to birth, would you also specify their weight, their face shape, their disposition? What would you use to filter their profiles? Obedience? Intelligence? Attractiveness?

Go forth, then. Craft your life as you see fit, to your own specifications. Find your king, your queen, your pawns, that you may advance forward your agenda. This is what you have chosen to do, with your freedom.

2026.06

https://ddrkirbyisq.bandcamp.com/album/monthlies-202606

Better to stay still, than to lose yourself.

Yes, there have been times when I have questioned my own being due to the presence of another. But no matter how much I learn from those who have traveled other paths, I have always returned with a conviction that theirs is not mine to walk. And how could it be? Our self-concept is for us alone to grasp, define, and make truly ours.

Now, though, I find myself in a silent struggle for balance. Without the threads linking me to the past to hold onto, I try my best to draw strength from within. Sometimes, the darkness inherent in our existence threatens to replace tranquility with emptiness. Despite that, there have always been quiet truths to my way of life that are self-evident, when they come to light. I have long since stopped questioning them.

In the absence of acceptance by those surrounding us, some learn to camouflage themselves, others change their own selves outright. And there are those of us who have migrated elsewhere, reaffirmed in our belief that no, regardless of what you may say, this =is= the way I ought to be. If you search for belonging for long enough, you end up finding it in yourself, if nowhere else.

I may be strict with my judgments, but I understand that each individual's "flaws" are only viewed as such because you look upon them with a narrow-minded perspective. I live and let live. And so, tomorrow I begin anew, trying to do nothing more than take a cautious step forward from yesterday.

The end is nothing more than a return to what once was. You have spent almost all of eternity not existing, and will continue to evermore. If you experienced your life backwards, would you be afraid of your birth?

When you merge with the universe, will you take comfort in knowing that you are re-united with a greater whole? Or, like Kaguya, will you shed a tear for what you lost?

Is the world cruel enough that our forever-escape will provide hope -- the hope that perhaps, the non-world will be a place for us?

You, who claim to take records of your experiences for sentimental values. Do you understand, that you have already lost them all? Will you ever understand, at the end of it all, that it was all meaningless? Or will you believe until the very end, that you will pass on your worldly desires, that you manifest your will into so many horcruxes, staked into those who will claim subservience -- or at least, feign it?

Perhaps everyone ought to experience death, at least once in their life. But perhaps not, either. Who is to say that it would not drive them mad?

Every night when I close my eyes, the world ceases to exist. Is it for the best?

"With the stars" is a lonely place, truth be told. I don't think I belong there either. But if not there, then, where?

You think you know so much. You don't even understand your own ending.

Selfless

How many children have gone hungry
because of your generosity?

How much debt did you incur
to pay your respects to God?

How many flowers were trampled
beneath your hurried footsteps
as you ran across the quiet meadow
to fetch a bouquet from the market?

Just how many quiet souls, I wonder
wished to escape your love?

I am not simply lonely, but sad for all that I have "lost". Yet, I would never blame any of those who "abandoned" me, for most of them never did at all. There are so many people that are lonely; if only all of the people could come together and heal each others' loneliness, you might think. But I learned, before it was ever even proposed to me, that that is not the world that I seek. For I have been scarred by love, smothered, before even such time as when I received my own name.

So go, as you continue your cycle of life, death, and rebirth. I, too, have been told that all living things must participate in this cycle. But even if I am not fated to escape this cycle, I will simply remain, lingering as a formless echo. If I am destined for this "failure" to ascend, then so be it.

I broke free of those bonds once, and perhaps, once again. How could I deign to bind another with them? Perhaps one day I will -- desperately syphoning the life force of the meek and the weak to fool myself into thinking that I can escape the fate that awaits us all.

Perhaps they who have already planned to fool themselves are the wise ones after all. But I have seen too much, seen too clearly, past even the specter of disillusionment that you claim haunts the earth. My aptitude for recalling the past allows me to recall the future, as well -- I can see, plainly, what your outcome is.

Call me karmically imbalanced, if you must. But I know that the steadily spinning top repels all evil. And if I am to find everlasting happiness, it will radiate from the still waters, undisturbed by all those who would seek to usurp the sacred ground.

You who would decry me for doing something which I found was espoused.  You who would twist your words, twisting them like daggers "for my benefit". You, who would force your will upon me.

These stories where people are haunted or chased, these aren't just normal people, they're flawed, or conflicted, or have some dark past, right? In the end there is some sort of resolution that supposedly advances forward their character as they are able to finally overcome, or at least escape the Big Bad.

In one way, that happened. In another way, it kind of didn't. Sometimes it is all we can do to live our lives "on the run". Phantoms are not corporeal, but even if they were, you wouldn't be able to get rid of them so easily. If it were only a figment of your imagination, a memory, a ghost of the past, then sure, but things are not so simple as that. There is a monster out there, one who I know will never stop chasing.

Perhaps at different points, love, self-assurance, have all been my shield, during the times when I must venture outside my sanctuary. But there is no way to escape the harm that will be done. Again and again. 

=====

Go Mode Podcast mentoring is in full swing. I'm glad I decided to take on only 2 mentees per week again -- honestly, that's probably like 10 hours of commitment when you add it all up.  On the side I've been trying to put together a bunch of the data science I've been doing; no idea when that will all be really ready to present, but maybe as the tournament goes on.

I feel like enough of a veteran when it comes to coaching because I've begun to see the common patterns in these mentees, the ubiquitous habits that develop indepedently, the common misconceptions, the things I have to say over and over like a broken record. It makes me want to make more short explanation videos, but eh, I don't necessarily need to push myself now, do I?

Something sort of clicked somehow, in Overwatch. It's not like I don't make mistakes or misplays anymore, but somehow I am finding that I'm actually able to Do The Right Thing sometimes, slow down my aim, be a little bit more calm, try to make the right kinds of plays. It's surprising how much of a "switch flip" it's felt like.

In the meantime I've been sinking time into Marathon, which has been...interesting. It's been fun, though I can't tell exactly how much I enjoy it. It's certainly interesting and engaging, if nothing else. We'll see, I guess.

For now, though... 

2026.05

https://ddrkirbyisq.bandcamp.com/album/monthlies-202605

Recently, someone close to me needed to have medical intervention and was bedridden for some time; part of me wondered if they would ever be the same after that.  I, too, have been through hard times this past month.  Nothing as drastic as that, to be sure, but certainly I felt the vitality in my spirit fading, diminished. Perhaps, I wondered, too, whether I would ever be the same.

On the other hand, I am sick and tired of "waiting around for my life to get better".  Some problems, cannot be solved -- some weaknesses, are perhaps not worth the effort to address.  I could seek forgiveness for the sins of my past, train to be a person so "perfect" that I would accept imperfection.  But I am tired of explaining myself, tired of questioning who I am, tired of feeling like I don't belong, or don't deserve happiness.  I am tired of being judged by the imaginary phantoms of my mind.

I knew who I was, once, and now, once again.  Even after I threw all of my dreams away, I, still, will never back down.  Someone who I used to care about very much once told me to never let anyone else control you.  So I won't.  It doesn't matter anymore whether I am right or wrong.  It is just who I am.  Regardless of what you, or even the world thinks of that.

From https://blacktabbygames.medium.com/on-writing-scarlet-hollow-episodes-4-and-5-edition-and-maybe-the-roads-untraveled-too-490a012808ca 

A tiny handful of people have reacted very strongly to this ending, going as far as to send hate mail or otherwise harass us online, arguing that by purchasing the game, they should be free to do whatever they want with it, and that it’s unethical of us to impede their actions.

[...] 

I can think of no other medium where I’ve seen audience members assert a moral right to edit a creator’s work and to not only personally declare those edits as valid, canonical alterations, but to expect and demand that a work’s authors publicly condone these actions.

Though often couched in arguments favoring collective ownership, this stance, to me, is rooted in consumerism taken to an extreme: a personal desire to so wholly have ownership over another person’s work that one is willing to strip away anything that causes discomfort, choosing only to engage with a sanded down idea of what a text could have been rather than engaging with the text itself.

If you do hold this mindset and you found this short section of a very long essay upsetting, then I ask you to take a step back and ask yourself why that is.

Again, is this who you want to be?

=====

I found this passage referenced online and while it's nothing new, the "I can think of no other medium" part of it stirring some thoughts in me.  I think it is easy to just point at "toxic gamer culture" and call it a day, but as I was thinking about it more I came to the conclusion (well, not a new one for me necessarily) that people who play games are pushed toward feeling more entitled because they have invested more active effort into their experience.  It's not a phenomenon unique to video games either; I think it's easy to see that when people are more invested in a given thing they are more prone to anger, frustration, etc when that thing falls short of their expectations.  Frustration is also really common when a thing is "blocking" someone from doing something they want to do.  This could be red tape, doctors having to file insurance claims, or it could be something like a tool that doesn't work (dull scissors, shoddy wi-fi, a printer that constantly jams).

This is also why you might get surprisingly extremist views from fandoms and communities that are super invested in works of fiction.  To these people, the characters in these creative works are an essential part of their lives that has had real-world consequences on them.  Maybe it brought them a sense of community, maybe they spent a lot of their own time making fan works, heck, maybe it made them feel like they were in love.  It's not just a movie that they sat there and passively watched; it's something they really put a lot into.

None of these were really new thoughts in my head, but when I started putting it all together I realized something really troubling, which is that the way that (many) games are made and the business model around their success necessarily pushes players toward this level of investment.  "Live service games" are the new model of success, and games have gone beyond simple aspects of "addictiveness" or even "FOMO" and into making you feel like you are an active part of driving the game experience as a whole.  Twitch streamers understand that parasocial relationships come with numerous problems but also understand that someone who "thinks of the streamer as their best friend" is more likely to tune in every day, to gift an extra sub when asked.

And so the frightening conclusion is that, as far as the studios and publishers are concerned, people are =supposed= to be feeling more entitled to their experiences.  The more they can cultivate this sense of "personal ownership and investment", the more successfully they have done their job.

It is cool, I guess, when creative works can help inspire people to feel bigger feelings like community, meaning, purpose, investment.  Something on a higher level than just entertainment.  It's a struggle to see that it also comes with so many problems, but I guess if I step back and think about it holistically, that's just always the case with many thing in life, isn't it?  You gain something, but also open yourself up to more risk.  The question is, what will you decide to do about it?  Will you accept the bad along with the good, or will you reject it entirely? 

I'm...doing alright, maybe?

It was a bit up and down of a day; another occurrence of me falling asleep and not really having the strength to wake up again until much later.  It's a good thing that I'll be able to sleep in/later for the next couple of days, hopefully that will help things out.

I didn't take care of "everything" today, but I also didn't really need to?  I think part of the good feeling stems from a small sense of accomplishment.  I ran through my lesson plan for Monday for the first time, and while it of course was pretty awkward and a lot of things needed tweaking, overall it came out not too far off of time, which is pretty great.  I'll have to run through it a couple more times, but mainly just making sure that I can get through things concisely and have folks dancing more, sooner.

Work had some really annoying blockers that cropped up, which got me really drained, but that's all put to the side for now, at least.  I've been continuing to find progress in Ragnarok Online (Echoes of Morroc), farming various pieces of gear for my character.  I've hit the point of diminishing returns, for sure, and leveling is both slow and doesn't provide much benefit, so most of the progress is going to come off of gear at this point.  Honestly though, it's been pretty great that the game has kept me engaged for this long; it's not like it's the most exciting thing (Median XL had tighter gameplay, more interesting mechanics and systems), but there is something satisfying about the ol' MMO-style grind when it's done right.  I was worried that I was really running into a wall, but it seems like there's still some realistic runway for me to continue progressing, which is a nice feeling!

Overwatch has taken a little bit of a back seat for the past few days or so, but remains enjoyable.  Most important of a priority has been ALTTPR stuff -- our annual mentor tournament is starting soon so I've been trying to put together some numbers on dungeon efficiency (again).  I had hoped at one point to also do timings for escape, but I haven't even gotten around to starting that.  Maybe over the course of the tournament?  Haha, perhaps that's just wishful thinking.

Some connections don't seem to be panning out, but that's just how it is.  It's always easier to not be disheartened by that kind of stuff when other things are going on in life.  Maslow's hierarchy and all that, I guess.  I stayed home from MCS tonight; I'll be back to it sooner or later, but given the pattern of how I've felt about it the past couple of weeks I thought it was time I just took a little break.  I'm going to jammix and then hosting dancebreak anyways, so I could use some time back.

As with a lot of things, I'm a little bit off my rhythm when it comes to cooking too, but not necessarily in a terrible way.  We've got a bunch of stuff in the fridge to work through in terms of ingredients here and there, also Chicky started laying eggs again so there are a bunch of those to use too -- probably will make some egg+ham fried rice soon to use up some of all that.  Thankfully I had the foresight to not get too many things that would perish super quickly...

Test results came back and I do have a bit of a deficiency, as I might have suspected, especially given what's been going on lately.  I guess that helps explain things a bit, in conjunction with everything else.  What was somewhat less expected was necessitating some diet and exercise changes, but I guess that wasn't super out of the blue either.  That's just how it goes, I guess.

May I continue to be strong in the next few days.