But why?  Why couldn't I save you?  Why did you have to go? 

So I'm doing pretty well, but also pretty sad.  Both are true, almost assuredly.  I'm doing more good than bad, but I can't for a moment deny the pain of it.  It's not so much that I feel that it's my "fault", it's just sad that things didn't work out, really sad.  Of course, I could wish to go back in time and change the way that things happened.  If I could, I perhaps would.  But everything and everyone comes to and end someday.  The only thing you change by rewriting the past is the number of things that happen before that.

With the other friend that I lost, it was both easier and harder for me.  Harder, in that we were closer.  She was a real friend to me, and I to her.  But I had already said goodbye, as well.  By the time I saw her, it was already too "late" to change anything.  There wasn't much for me to even think about regretting.  Here and now, I keep on telling myself that I did everything right, but somehow, it was easier for me to think that back then.  I think it's because I played a different role in her life.

It just wasn't "supposed" to be like this.  It should have been different.  That's probably not true, but I can't help but feel that way anyways.

ALTTPR has been good, at least.  My standards for preparation and thoroughness seem to just be in a different place than of my peers.  It's an interesting situation to be in.  But I guess, it's not unpleasant to have this type of experience, too.  It's reassuring and confidence-inducing when you can just learn everything yourself and understand things thoroughly in a way that makes you feel secure, rewarded, knowledgeable.

Everyone was helpful.  I just wish it had been enough.

Anyways, it's been a weird sort of up-down mood.  In the same day I felt energized, upbeat, heartbroken, happy, sad.  Both motivated and unmotivated.  Life used to be more lonely, more sad, more stressful, but perhaps, also less tragic.  I'm a little tired of pain.  Sure, it motivates me to ignore the things that really ought to never have mattered that much in the first place, but that's not exactly a satisfying motivation.

I almost forgot that dance is supposed to be starting up tomorrow.  We'll see if I end up making it out.  I won't blame myself it I don't; I won't force myself to at all.  I'm, perhaps, done forcing myself to do things, at least for a while.  God knows I lived through enough of other people forcing me to do things.  It's not worth it.