It's still going okay.  I have my 5th match coming up for ALTTPR and I've been trying to cram for that to make sure I'm prepared.  Fortunately, it'll be a morning match this time, so I won't be spending the whole day anxious about it like last time.  Obviously I want to do my best and win, but I'm trying to also remind myself that losing is a very real possibility and that I shouldn't really come in with set expectations here, no matter how tempting it is.

I got my first clear of Ravenswatch on Nightmare (the highest) difficulty, so that was nice and fun.  Felt good to check that off for one character, at least.  I kind of had a shaky week in general where I got thrown off by a number of things that happened, including my power and/or internet being cut at awkward times.  I dealt with a super annoying Rhythm Quest bug too, really frustrating to spend time on but at least I've ironed it out.

The dating app stuff continues to be something that I seem to have an ok attitude with.  These apps are in this weird space where everyone kinda just seems to have this presumption that they're this sort of necessary evil somehow?  I think that was a real turn-off for me I think, in line with the way I've viewed a lot of things in the past, actually.  Like, why should we settle for things that we don't really want in our lives?  That kind of feeling.  It's like when people talk about how "networking" is really important and maybe it pushes kids to go to "networking" events and also treat it as some sort of weird necessary evil.

Look, as I grew up as a child and a young adult I understood very well that sometimes you just need to work the system and play by the rules, but I think there are cases where sometimes people are so used to that mentality that they end up making new rules for themselves that don't actually need to be there in the first place.  Maybe frequently it's all because of falsely assumed shared values and a pigeonholed view of what everyone's aim should be.

I dunno what else there is, really.  Things are rolling along, as they do.  Somehow I haven't felt the terrible sort of existential or just acute loneliness in a while, which I'm grateful for.  I'm not actually sure why, probably just I'm doing enough healthy things to keep engaged with my life, either that or I'm just stuck on the treadmill enough to not really notice it.  But I guess I won't complain about it too much. 

Things are going okay.  I wrapped up a fun/busy weekend full of activities and am feeling thankful that Monday is a off-day for me to just chill and maybe work on Rhythm Quest a little, maybe play some ALTTPR or other stuff.

It had been a long long while, but I finally got around to making my own shoyu tonkotsu ramen again.  It turned out great!  Some components definitely could have stood to be slightly better, but the broth itself turned out excellent; bumping up the pork bone quantity definitely was a good call.  I've still got probably enough leftover for another 4 servings, this time I'll definitely make myself a simple miso tare because it's been way too long since I had a proper bowl of miso ramen.

The ALTTPR glitched mentor tournament continues and we've just finished week 4, where I became the only undefeated runner after a super jet seed that I finished in only a little over an hour (jeez...).  Although the seed itself was not super "rewarding" in terms of the fact that we only made one or two real decisions (and I don't think the would have mattered a ton in the end; I would mostly be on the right path thanks to general good routing principles and non-botched glitch execution regardless), it was satisfying to have yet another tourney seed turn out well, particularly after I had struggled with a lot of my practice seeds over the past week or so.  There are two more weeks left, so I'll still try to lock in for those, but at this point hopefully some of the pressure will be off (?).  It sucks because despite being completely prepared (more and more each week, even), I still struggled with a lot of anxiety.  Competing just isn't natural for me, I guess.

I'm finally back to development on Rhythm Quest, though again it took a little bit of a backseat over the past half week or so.  But it feels better not having any devlog posts since I don't have to worry about seeing people ask "when is the game going to be done" every couple weeks.  I'm finally working out the publishing / artist copyright flow, which is probably going to involve multiple big chunks of work, but at least I've started on some of them, including trying to set up a verified artist system and submission page for that, as well as in-game integration.  Another big part of that will be handling unverified artists where the user needs to provide their own audio, and that's a whole other can of UI worms, but I digress...

I played through an indie game the other day and it really strikes me how every time I go like "oh hey a game that was made by an indie dev" I get to the credits and actually there's like a team of people who helped out, plus often a whole bunch of kickstarter backers or whatever.  And in my mind when I think about the "credits" for Rhythm Quest it's more along the lines of "Hi everybody, thanks for playing the game, so this is usually where you'd put the names of everyone else who helped work on the game or make it possible but uh, it was literally just me (and a bunch of community translations I guess)".  Maybe Stardew Valley is that one exception that proves the rule...

I could talk about some of the other stuff but honestly nothing seems that interesting to me to recount or drill into.  I'm apparently headed to a short trip in MEX coming up so that should be interesting; at least it's less far than the other trips in the past if nothing else.  Bon Bon Ball and VBall are coming up; a TODO item for me is to make sure I have my makeup routine figured out since I got one or two new products I need to work in.  My hair care routine is actually kind of undergoing revision too, as a long while back I figured out that the shampoo bars I was using really weren't doing great things for my scalp, so I've been trying to find something else to settle on.

Besides ALTTPR I'm mainly just trying to achieve various challenges in Hades 2 and then here and there making some attempts at nightmare difficulty in Ravenswatch.  It's all been going just fine...it was good to have a break of a couple of days from the ALTTPR practice as well, since I was really grinding quite hard, but it'll be fun to get back at it this week too, I think.

I could talk about the dating apps stuff but there is nothing to really say about it.  It's about what you would expect, the main thing that's different is my attitude I think, in a good way.

But yeah.  Overall, I think I'm doing okay for myself...

2026.01

https://ddrkirbyisq.bandcamp.com/album/monthlies-202601

Since outgoing links are not really a thing anyways, I'm going to take a stab at using these monthly artworks to inspire blog posts to put out there.

2025 really put me through the wringer, I was faced with some tough challenges and situations that I felt trapped in. The end of the year was a time for hibernation and recovery after being worn out and beaten through.

After a lot of negative emotion, some sickness, and a slow journey to reclaim positive energy for my own life, I'm emerging on the other end of the year divide, in 2026. I feel changed, but not necessarily in a way that is bad (for once). I think I always was a staunch believer that you don't have to push yourself to grow up or let go of things that you aren't ready to yet. But I guess after a certain point, something shifts and you just =are= ready.

2026 has honestly been pretty good to me so far, though it is hard for me to say that without mentioning the tragedy that happened -- one of my two pets left this world and I wasn't able to help her stay with us. It still makes me sad to think about, but it was never really any doubt in my mind that life would still go on.

I don't intend for my monthly illustrations to serve as a reflection of my life (they are just practice), but this one perhaps captures the essence of what I am feeling as I move into the new year. I am cautiously emerging from slumber into a new, softer light, hoping to carve out my own peace, as I always have been known to strive for.

Here and there (usually while folding laundry) I listen to various psych or life coaching videos, recently Charlotte Morabito's YouTube channel which has had a lot of talks about how to get out of problematic people-pleasing behavior or how to cultivate real connections and relationships.

I think I always knew that trying to pursue connections by being useful or valued or providing service (and trying not to expect in return) was not "the way", but the thing about breaking a habit is that it's hard to just "stop doing X" when you don't have a different behavior to replace it with.

...but I think maybe I'm finally starting to get it.

But why?  Why couldn't I save you?  Why did you have to go? 

So I'm doing pretty well, but also pretty sad.  Both are true, almost assuredly.  I'm doing more good than bad, but I can't for a moment deny the pain of it.  It's not so much that I feel that it's my "fault", it's just sad that things didn't work out, really sad.  Of course, I could wish to go back in time and change the way that things happened.  If I could, I perhaps would.  But everything and everyone comes to and end someday.  The only thing you change by rewriting the past is the number of things that happen before that.

With the other friend that I lost, it was both easier and harder for me.  Harder, in that we were closer.  She was a real friend to me, and I to her.  But I had already said goodbye, as well.  By the time I saw her, it was already too "late" to change anything.  There wasn't much for me to even think about regretting.  Here and now, I keep on telling myself that I did everything right, but somehow, it was easier for me to think that back then.  I think it's because I played a different role in her life.

It just wasn't "supposed" to be like this.  It should have been different.  That's probably not true, but I can't help but feel that way anyways.

ALTTPR has been good, at least.  My standards for preparation and thoroughness seem to just be in a different place than of my peers.  It's an interesting situation to be in.  But I guess, it's not unpleasant to have this type of experience, too.  It's reassuring and confidence-inducing when you can just learn everything yourself and understand things thoroughly in a way that makes you feel secure, rewarded, knowledgeable.

Everyone was helpful.  I just wish it had been enough.

Anyways, it's been a weird sort of up-down mood.  In the same day I felt energized, upbeat, heartbroken, happy, sad.  Both motivated and unmotivated.  Life used to be more lonely, more sad, more stressful, but perhaps, also less tragic.  I'm a little tired of pain.  Sure, it motivates me to ignore the things that really ought to never have mattered that much in the first place, but that's not exactly a satisfying motivation.

I almost forgot that dance is supposed to be starting up tomorrow.  We'll see if I end up making it out.  I won't blame myself it I don't; I won't force myself to at all.  I'm, perhaps, done forcing myself to do things, at least for a while.  God knows I lived through enough of other people forcing me to do things.  It's not worth it.

I keep on meaning to write here but end up getting sidetracked into other things.  I've been continuing to play lots of stuff, whether it be more ALTTPR practice and prep, or the two roguelikes (Hades 2, Ravenswatch).  I'm slacking on getting started with the actual work I need to do (Rhythm Quest, pixel art), but honestly, I can't really blame myself because extenuating circumstances came up.

White Chicky is in trouble and she's currently in the "house hospital" seemingly not enjoying life too much.  It's been a long couple of days involving some lengthy drives to the vet as I tried to help her out.  The good news is that we have a treatment plan and some things that may help, it's kind of up in the air what really happens from here, but you know, having a plan of action is nice, at least.  Where we ended up is a little more optimistic than it may have seemed at some points, anyways.

It's interesting to think about how much time you "ought" to have spent on another living creature when they're wholly your responsibility.  It'd be easy to feel that I should have been more responsible and more involved in her day to day life to notice that something was up earlier, but I think it's equally valid to say that I've done pretty good considering the situation and my relationship to her.

I did try doing some drawing last night when she was temporarily set up in my room (chicky hospital bin has since been moved).  Was definitely hard to focus, I'm glad I didn't give a go at like, trying to work on Rhythm Quest or anything.  I wasn't a fan of what I was coming up with so I started over.  Hoping to just do some still life tracing or something straightforward like that.  As for RQ, I think it's right for me to just take it easy right now.  I've had a lot to deal with, it's not a bad thing to take more time for myself.

Maybe tomorrow I'll try to make more progress on drawing, but the main thing is I'll have to make sure I'm feeling prepped for my ALTTPR match.  That should be fun, at least.

The feeling that you're gonna be okay.  That you're getting it.  That you can be proud of yourself.  It's not about surpassing others, but about meeting your own standards.

I've been doing well, but somewhere along the way I guess I forgot to spend time being sad.  What feels bad is that even those certainties that usually seemed to anchor me across these sorts of times seem like they don't really matter that much anymore.  It's not that they aren't still there, it's just more like, what of it?  Yeah, I'm me, and that carries a lot of value, for myself and others, but what difference does it make?

In years past I used to feel like I had been abandoned but I don't really think I feel that way anymore.  I don't really feel like I'm a victim...I just sort of exist.  Maybe it's just a sort of spiritual malaise catching up to me.  I am tired, not mentally, physically, or even emotionally, but spiritually.  I don't know if I can remember feeling this sort of apathy toward who I am.  It's really strange.