But why?  Why couldn't I save you?  Why did you have to go? 

So I'm doing pretty well, but also pretty sad.  Both are true, almost assuredly.  I'm doing more good than bad, but I can't for a moment deny the pain of it.  It's not so much that I feel that it's my "fault", it's just sad that things didn't work out, really sad.  Of course, I could wish to go back in time and change the way that things happened.  If I could, I perhaps would.  But everything and everyone comes to and end someday.  The only thing you change by rewriting the past is the number of things that happen before that.

With the other friend that I lost, it was both easier and harder for me.  Harder, in that we were closer.  She was a real friend to me, and I to her.  But I had already said goodbye, as well.  By the time I saw her, it was already too "late" to change anything.  There wasn't much for me to even think about regretting.  Here and now, I keep on telling myself that I did everything right, but somehow, it was easier for me to think that back then.  I think it's because I played a different role in her life.

It just wasn't "supposed" to be like this.  It should have been different.  That's probably not true, but I can't help but feel that way anyways.

ALTTPR has been good, at least.  My standards for preparation and thoroughness seem to just be in a different place than of my peers.  It's an interesting situation to be in.  But I guess, it's not unpleasant to have this type of experience, too.  It's reassuring and confidence-inducing when you can just learn everything yourself and understand things thoroughly in a way that makes you feel secure, rewarded, knowledgeable.

Everyone was helpful.  I just wish it had been enough.

Anyways, it's been a weird sort of up-down mood.  In the same day I felt energized, upbeat, heartbroken, happy, sad.  Both motivated and unmotivated.  Life used to be more lonely, more sad, more stressful, but perhaps, also less tragic.  I'm a little tired of pain.  Sure, it motivates me to ignore the things that really ought to never have mattered that much in the first place, but that's not exactly a satisfying motivation.

I almost forgot that dance is supposed to be starting up tomorrow.  We'll see if I end up making it out.  I won't blame myself it I don't; I won't force myself to at all.  I'm, perhaps, done forcing myself to do things, at least for a while.  God knows I lived through enough of other people forcing me to do things.  It's not worth it.

I keep on meaning to write here but end up getting sidetracked into other things.  I've been continuing to play lots of stuff, whether it be more ALTTPR practice and prep, or the two roguelikes (Hades 2, Ravenswatch).  I'm slacking on getting started with the actual work I need to do (Rhythm Quest, pixel art), but honestly, I can't really blame myself because extenuating circumstances came up.

White Chicky is in trouble and she's currently in the "house hospital" seemingly not enjoying life too much.  It's been a long couple of days involving some lengthy drives to the vet as I tried to help her out.  The good news is that we have a treatment plan and some things that may help, it's kind of up in the air what really happens from here, but you know, having a plan of action is nice, at least.  Where we ended up is a little more optimistic than it may have seemed at some points, anyways.

It's interesting to think about how much time you "ought" to have spent on another living creature when they're wholly your responsibility.  It'd be easy to feel that I should have been more responsible and more involved in her day to day life to notice that something was up earlier, but I think it's equally valid to say that I've done pretty good considering the situation and my relationship to her.

I did try doing some drawing last night when she was temporarily set up in my room (chicky hospital bin has since been moved).  Was definitely hard to focus, I'm glad I didn't give a go at like, trying to work on Rhythm Quest or anything.  I wasn't a fan of what I was coming up with so I started over.  Hoping to just do some still life tracing or something straightforward like that.  As for RQ, I think it's right for me to just take it easy right now.  I've had a lot to deal with, it's not a bad thing to take more time for myself.

Maybe tomorrow I'll try to make more progress on drawing, but the main thing is I'll have to make sure I'm feeling prepped for my ALTTPR match.  That should be fun, at least.

The feeling that you're gonna be okay.  That you're getting it.  That you can be proud of yourself.  It's not about surpassing others, but about meeting your own standards.

I've been doing well, but somewhere along the way I guess I forgot to spend time being sad.  What feels bad is that even those certainties that usually seemed to anchor me across these sorts of times seem like they don't really matter that much anymore.  It's not that they aren't still there, it's just more like, what of it?  Yeah, I'm me, and that carries a lot of value, for myself and others, but what difference does it make?

In years past I used to feel like I had been abandoned but I don't really think I feel that way anymore.  I don't really feel like I'm a victim...I just sort of exist.  Maybe it's just a sort of spiritual malaise catching up to me.  I am tired, not mentally, physically, or even emotionally, but spiritually.  I don't know if I can remember feeling this sort of apathy toward who I am.  It's really strange.