You are *happy campers*, but already you know.

it is *frumple* too much and we are *dancing* for *dissolving* the *campers*.

I am clear!!

You are not so *silly*!

I didn't do toooo bad, given how hard it was for me to even get out of bed in the morning.  After that whole struggle, I did manage to do the work I needed to do, take care of two meals, I solved a steamdeck issue for Rhythm Quest and finished up the easy/hard difficulty charting for level 4-4.  I didn't check on the chickies today; that'll have to wait until tomorrow when it should be less warm.  I'll also make a stop to the donations center and head to Teance to go work there -- either finishing up my pixel artwork or doing more Rhythm Quest charting probably, or maybe some letter writing.

I've been doing really good in ALTTPR after coming back to it.  The other day I ran one of the seeds from the gold sword bracket races that the top mentees are doing and beat the times there, and today I got what will probably be the fastest time in the /r/alttpr weekly.  Not to say that some amount of luck isn't involved in that, but I felt like I played well, too.  It's just a good feeling.

There's this weird feeling of balance between being "who you've always been" vs pushing yourself to be something different.  It's important because of the whole "what you do defines who you are" thing.  Honestly, it's...not always super difficult to find that balance, though.  I think sometimes you find that you're really just super aligned with what you want to do.  Those are the times when you don't even really think about it because everything just makes sense.  Sometimes you "already are" someone different, it's just not something you realized through action yet.

But then there are those times when you =think= you're super aligned with it because you "should" be, and then that's where things can get into trouble.  Sometimes you're just not ready, or sometimes you actually just don't want to.  "Fake it till you make it" can work sometimes, I mean it's good practice if nothing else, but like, that's not really just the answer all the time.  You can of course "work on" who you are, but you can't just shove everything else in the closet and expect it to just stay hidden forever right?

I mean, I wish my cooking could solve all my other problems for me, too (spoiler alert: even in Chef Hua, it doesn't).  I wish all the knowledge and skills I put into ALTTPR could help me feel a sense of self-worth.  But contrary to what you might lead yourself to believe you don't become a better partner just because you know more about dance.  You can't just master some craft and have it magically make your life better.  Maybe that is part of the fantasy of stories about spellcraft and sorcery -- you get to imagine what it's like to be in a world where being well-studied or powerful =does= affect your day to day life in all of these meaningful ways.  (Of course, the good ones aren't actually about that sort of power fantasy, but have something more to say about the human condition.)

All of these skills =do= help, though.  Being able to manage the rest of my life makes it easier for me to spend time where it really matters.  Blogging doesn't pay the bills but it helps me practice one form of self-introspection.

But there are all sorts of other things that take practice, too.  How to talk to people.  How to remember people's names.  How to avoid judging everyone you meet for being different than you.  How to give people the benefit of the doubt.  How to get rejected.  How to reject someone.

Sometimes certain things come more naturally than others.  There are things that I can pick up really easily, without even really thinking about it.  And then there are other things that are just really hard for me.  It's like that for everyone, right?  Some people really struggle with rhythm.  Some people don't really hear when they're singing out of tune.  Predicting how the first F2L pair moves around during inspection seems like this impossible thing that I'm never going to be consistent at, but I remember thinking the same thing about many other things that I can do now, too.

It's not a matter of whether I believe I can or not.  It's just a matter of time and patience.  Luckily, =that= is something I already know how to do. 

What exactly do I want life to be like?  I don't think I'm quite sure...I don't think I'm sure...

JaSmix went really well, almost perfectly to be honest.  The only real blemishes were the almost-snafus (that thankfully didn't end up coming to fruition), and then me not having enough time to host a workshop I guess, but that second one is a blessing in disguise since it let me rest easy during the event itself.  The "right" number of people showed up at the end of the night and we were blessed with a relatively cool summer evening (2019, was it...?  the year where we had a ton of people and it was really hot too...).  It was great getting to see everyone out and having a good time, validated the work that I put into the event.

Going to try and take tomorrow as a day to focus on Rhythm Quest stuff -- at the very least, just do a bunch of charting, if nothing else.  Maybe I can take a break by working on my monthly drawing (which has been a WIP for a while; started it over a week ago and then got busy with other stuff).  It's not exactly the most encouraging when people tell me that my progress is too slow, but hey, that's life.  This is why I'm hoping to engage less and less with people who want to tell me things about my game...

I'm always a bit weirded out....disgusted...?  Mmm...ashamed?  Maybe those are too strong words....it always feels a bit "icky" when I conform to gender stereotypes and roles.  Probably because when we think about them (or when I think about them), they always feel like they're so often framed in a negative light.  Men are like this, women are like this, gay people are like this, asian people are like this.  None of it really feels good and I guess that doesn't just cut one way, it just....cuts everyone in every way, really.  It feels bad to hold those judgments, like feeling like I'm not supposed to talk about feelings with other men or whatever, it feels bad to "be a man" because there is so much negativity bundled with it.  Sure, it makes life difficult when I don't conform to gender norms, but it's also "safe" in a way because I get to just be something different.  It offers the hope of not having to feel shame for all of the negative stuff that's normally associated with whatever bucket you lump yourself in with.

So when I'm able to take pride in my cooking, it's "safe" not just because I'm bucking the norm (like the rebel I am...), but because it means I'm safe from judgment in men not knowing their way around a kitchen or how to use a sewing kit or whatever.  Sure, I may be in a male-dominated profession, but "it's different" because of how I engage with my work, or even how I "show up" or even carry (or dress) myself.

But when I think about being avoidant or emotionally unavailable or afraid of vulnerability or being unable to express feelings, or being a loner, not being able to support other people's emotions, all that stuff, of course it just feels bad because those are "bad" things, but it stings a little bit extra that these are stereotypically associated with my birth/main gender.  Maybe hurts even a little bit more since there are times when I think I didn't use to have some of these issues, and then maybe I did later on.  Eh, or maybe they just didn't have a chance to manifest...

Of course, it shouldn't =really= matter what gender things are typically associated with, least of all for someone like me who doesn't bother trying to slot into any bucket or anything like that.  But the negativity associated with it is still pretty ingrained in me, it's hard to escape.  All those years ago I wanted to make sure that I could escape it entirely, just become someone else, perhaps.  But I think that's just pretending, at least for me.  It's not like I can truly become someone else, right?  I would still be me in the end, in some way.  My shame is my own to carry, to feel, and to release and set free. 

I've been putting in a lot of work!  It feels good to be productive, I feel like somehow I'm back on my game.

I sank a bunch of time into Rhythm Quest, which is always a good feeling.  Nothing sexy, in fact really ugly work including debugging device-specific errors, so yeah, there were a bunch of times when I was waiting for compilation to happen while doing other things like idle Rubik's cube solves or drilling some COLL algs.

But yeah, I fixed a bunch of accessibility/screenreader navigation issues (just realized that I need to update some localization stuff.....sigh), debugged a bunch of switch-specific bugs, even did some performance fixes.  At some point I need to actually work on more actual features (get custom levels working again?) or more importantly, actual content (level 6-5, or redoing some of the earlier levels...), so I can have something interesting to report on for my devlog.  Maybe at the very least I can spend some more time charting the easy/hard difficulties for world 4?

I've learned all of the COLL algs for two cases (H and U), though the U algs I still need some more practice to be able to associate which is which.  I'm working on learning the cases for T, I technically know all of the algs for it now, but recognizing and associating them with each of the cases is still a struggle for now.  COLL is definitely the alg set that's first to go in my memory since it's a special case (well, that, and some of the really rare OLL algs like the superflip one).  But it's something to keep me occupied, I guess?

JaSmix is tomorrow! Assuming all goes well with setup (*nervous grimace*) I'm excited for the event.  Honestly, putting together the setlist is really almost second-nature to me by now.  It's weird because I remember really spending a LOT of time a couple years ago (?) on one of my setlists trying to really balance everything out meticulously and now...I dunno, maybe I just feel like "good enough" is fine, or maybe it's because JaSmix is easier than something like FNW which has a lot more structure and restriction to it.  Hopefully my selection of dances is still generally in tune with whoever ends up showing up??

Either way, as usual, most of the work that goes into making my setlists enjoyable is not only due to me having practice and experience with how they should be constructed, but also just...most of that work I've already done ahead of time by editing and trimming so many of the songs.  I can probably count the number of unedited songs in my setlist on my hands...it's such a simple thing to do, "just make everything shorter", but of course it does involve a certain sort of finesse and expertise.

Cooking has been going ok too.  I'm not going to have a ton of time on my hands to cook this weekend so I'm going to just be making some simple stuff, but hopefully my ingredients will survive until I'm back in action on Monday Tuesday or whenever.  I did a cider-braised pork shoulder yesterday and that time investment paid off since today I was able to just boil some pasta and then throw together a quick roux and reheat the meat and sauce and just throw it all together quickly.  My household has an interesting love/hate relationship with pork shoulder; I got into this phase where I was doing roast pork shoulder a bunch and that goes fantastic together with caramelized onions as pulled pork sandwiches, but they haven't been a big fan of all the leftover meat.  Maybe if it was more fatty?  but eh, I get that it's not super appetizing to just be eating fried rice with pork shoulder, pasta with pork shoulder, etc etc.

Carnitas tacos seemed to do a bit better (I....think I still have some in the fridge, ha ha ha...oops), and I remember the cider braised pork shoulder being a hit the other time I did it so that's why I decided to opt for it again.  We'll see how it goes over as I use the rest of it, but I also have a bunch of other stuff planned -- bunch of eggplant, palak paneer, etc.  Before I know it it'll be the end of August and I think I'm feeling like I'll do either sushi or grilling around that time, maybe both if I'm feeling up for it...

Guess I'd better do my best to go get some sleep.  Can't wake up too late tomorrow...

It feels good to be validated for your efforts, doesn't it?

I've been watching "Chef Hua" -- part of what inspired my previous thoughts on cooking and everything like that.  It's not the most engaging (kinda trashy...), but they do a good job with their slow-motion / macro photography of all of the dishes and everything.  And if nothing else, it inspires me to not only think more about my cooking (and plating...), but also about expressing gratitude and excitement towards others.  Yeah, that... 

I got back from my trip and it was a good one.  I felt fulfilled, relaxed, mostly relieved, I guess, too.  It was a good balance of things, I felt accomplished yet also not like I had pushed myself too hard.  Various things went well...I went to the tea place once, but also brought my own tea with me.  I felt quite pleased with the cooking that I did -- made everything work out.  Got to see the same tuxedo meowmie and have him sit on my lap again.  Even had the good fortune of getting to see a shooting star.

JaSmix is this Saturday!  I'm busy tidying up the last of the logistics, but hopefully it will go well, or at least smoothly if nothing else.  It'll be a long day, but no longer than what the folks used to do back in the day (7 workshops, from 2PM all the way until 9:30!).  Since everything is just in one room, I won't be running around like last time, so once I'm done with my whirlwind of private lessons, I'll have a chance to just sit back and relax (and eat dinner), maybe I'll bring some postcards to work on or something.  If I'm feeling ambitious and energetic maybe I'll participate in the workshops, but eh, kicking back and just sitting and relaxing sounds good, too.

Finally made and found time to run an ALTTPR seed -- was kind of a doozy, with some challenging (yucky) decisions.  Made a pretty big mistake sequence breaking Ice Palace when I was missing somaria + flippers, I honestly am beginning to wonder if somarialess sequence broken ice palace is =ever= a good play.  You by definition have to already have the mitts to get entry into ice palace, and the flippers can't be there, so it's mainly stuff like the mirror that can help out if you get it there, but...waiting around for somaria to show up might just make more sense in general. 

Someone really close to me seems to be hurting, a bit.  I hope that they are okay.  Every moment of their company is precious to me.  They seem to be feeling alright, I just...yeah, I hope they are okay.  I love them a lot.

Speaking of which, the chickies got checked out (expensive....) and they are doing all ok!  I wasn't super worried, but it was a relief to get confirmation that they are doing healthy and that I'm doing alright taking care of them.

Made it out to Teance today and enjoyed some nice white tea while doing some work before doing groceries.  Tomorrow I'm going to be printing some stuff for JaSmix and giving my setlist another lookover, hopefully trying to catch up on Rhythm Quest, and drinking tea at home.  I already know I'm probably going to cook fish for lunch and then I'll be working on braised apple cider pork shoulder, but that probably won't be ready in time for dinner, so dinner will have to be something else, maybe eggplant or tofu or something.  Guess I won't have a ton of extra time to throw around given that I'll be doing a little more cooking than usual and I have OHC to take care of, but...yeah, I mean, I'll try to do some stuff.

Did some dancing, randomly, the other night.  Sometimes it's a little discouraging to be honest, to look at how sloppy my dancing is, but I mean, what should I expect given how relatively little I work on it?  It's...fine, really.  I've come a long way, I know, it's just...it's still hard.

Life overall is...I can't really say anything other than it's good, right?  Nothing has really been bad, aside from maybe the fact that I've been sleeping too late (as usual) and yeah, I could be a little more on top of some of my work, but honestly I'm not even mad about it given that I just got back from a trip.  The floor of my range is still relatively high-functioning, I mean the first things that I did when I got back were to unpack, do the laundry, vacuum the floor, and start using the carpet cleaner...and then what, after that I drafted out the JaSmix setlist, did some work, etc. etc.  It's really not bad. 

The winds of change continue to blow, for me, in my life.  But I don't let myself get swept away, they simply act as the wind beneath my sails.  I chart a course and I make my way toward my north stars, slowly and steadily.

Love Languages

I talked about love languages in my last post and how when we see them in a more mature and nuanced lens we begin to see things like how "gift giving" doesn't necessarily have to be something really shallow and transactional and how "words of affirmation" doesn't have to mean a bunch of trite compliments, but have you ever thought about how you can make positives out of the opposites of each of the love languages, too?

Maybe you like physical touch, but sometimes you might like having physical space, too.  Acts of service are nice, but what about letting someone be independent?  Quality time spent together, alone, doing nothing else -- maybe sometimes you just need people who will be open to running errands together or just working side by side on completely different things.  And instead of words of affirmation, we can be realistic and frank with people, or even just enjoy silence together with them.  Maybe gift-giving is the least obvious one since the "opposite" of giving a gift is...not giving a gift?  Receiving a gift?

But I think it's easy for all of us to imagine twisted overdone versions of all of the love languages, right?  Too much gift-giving.  Too many acts of service.  Too much physical touch.  Too many words of affirmation.  And yeah, even too much "quality" time spent together.  And this applies regardless of whether you are imagining the giver or the receiver of love.  (What's worse, someone who is overbearing with their gift-giving or someone who incessantly needs to receive gifts?)

Love is...complicated.  Giving it and receiving it.  That's why it's a good thing that it's often so vital and powerful, it motivates us to discover the messy nuances of connecting with other human beings. 

Cooking

Cooking, is, of course, a craft, and a skill.  When I'm really enjoying the process of cooking I get a similar enjoyment out of it as I do when I'm playing a videogame, or making music.

But it's more than that, too.  Cooking is a way that we can connect with other people.  To help bring them happiness.  I mean, sure, videogames and music can do that too, just...it's in different ways.

Sometimes when I watch these cooking videos and content I get this smile on my face from knowing that there is this shared understanding of craft.  Seeing someone that "gets it", someone who you feel aligned with in terms of your process, always feels satisfying, like you're a little less alone in the world because somebody else has this shared understanding with you, even if you've never met them.

But there's other cooking content that makes you appreciate that you can really create something beautiful out of cooking.  When people think of "gift giving" or "acts of service" as a love language I think there is an impulse to think of them as really impersonal, but of course when you really think about the great examples of this kind of love expression they are anything but that.  That special hand-made thing that you always treasured, or that surprise party that your friend helped organize for you.  Cooking is the same way, like, cooking can be "sustenance for life" in that it can just be this necessary aspect for physical health and survival, but it can also be "sustenance for life" in that it can remind us of joy, remind us to connect with our bodies, remind us to connect with other people.  I think this is why presentation is important when it comes to food, as much as I often neglect it (efficiency is also important to me...).  It can help to create a moment, as much as the packaging on a gift, or the hand-written note that goes alongside of it.

Seeing someone really express their happiness when you cook for them is a really special feeling, I guess it is similar to seeing someone express their happiness and gratitude when you give them something special that isn't food.  Thinking about it makes me a little emotional for some reason.  I think it's because the desire to be loved and appreciated is such a core desire -- if not for all people, then at least for people like me.  Of course, there is also the desire to be respected and acknowledged -- that can be really important too -- but cooking is perhaps a little unique in that it's a craft that can connect with people on a more personal level.

I want to become better at cooking.  I want to be able to bring more moments of joy to the people around me.  But thinking about this, also makes me think about how I struggle, too.  Not with creating a meal, but with being on the other side -- with expressing my appreciation for others.  How can I seek connection with others through this "love language" if I am so reluctant to connect with them in the first place (or in the "second place"?).  Do I "deserve" to hear words affirming my effort if I have not yet learned to give those same words back?  Why should people express thanks to me if I am so reticent?

Why is it so hard to express love, and to accept love?

...would be a nice place to end the post, but I think we kinda already know why it's hard to express love, and to accept love.  It's because sometimes love often comes bundled together with all of these other emotions and feelings and thoughts and memories.  Maybe to you love means control.  Maybe love is intermingled with lust.  Maybe jealousy.  Maybe when you tried to accept love you ended up accepting shame along with it.  "Fear of love" isn't really something we talk about, I guess maybe it is really not an apt phrase to describe it anyways, we dress it up in phrases like "avoidant attachment" or "rejection sensitivity" or whatever.  But there's a good reason it exists, right?  We all want to have those =good= experiences with love, but there have usually been so many bad experiences too, it's easy to forget how to let our guard down.  Love takes time.  And if we are to be open to it for ourselves, we have to also be open to it for others, too.

There's no rush, though.  There's no need to "fix" something that isn't "broken".  It's ok to not bring your whole self to every encounter.  You will, in your own time, when you are ready.