It's going ok!  I'm somehow hanging in there despite juggling the different things happening in my life.  The week(s) after coming back from my work trip were when I was feeling emotionally low, and the week leading up to Pagan Bunny Burn was when I was feeling like I wasn't on top of things anymore.

It's good to have at least a partial reversal of that.  I may not be on top of everything, but I'm no longer behind -- surprisingly, actually.  The emotional lows are gone too, thanks to some care and support from...all around me, to be honest.  Even the weather seemed to turn a new page and welcome me with some respite from the shining sun, reminding me that yes, things can still be good.

It was an okay day today.  I didn't eat that much in the afternoon, but made a somewhat successful dinner, had some white tea, and finished up my pixel art drawing for the month, which also meant that I handled the monthlies album release.  Fixed a few bugs for Rhythm Quest as well...

The GCC dance I'm hosting is coming up in less than a week!  To be completely honest, I've not that much idea how it will go.  Like, I'm doing all the things I remember doing before, when I hosted these types of events, but in the end I can't help but find myself wondering, "how many people are actually going to show up to this thing", along with "do people still like these dances and songs..."  Well, I guess better to find these things out at this event than at JaSmix, heh.

Putting together the setlist has been an interesting experience, for some reason it feels like 3 hours is so long, whereas before I felt like I always had too many songs for the time.  Maybe it's because as I go on I trim more and more (which is just a good practice anyways), maybe it's because I've gotten more picky and choosy about exactly what I want to play.  Or maybe I'm a little hesitant and conservative because I don't feel 100% plugged into the crowd.  It was a little simpler before we started doing Bachata and Merengue as part of the intro series.  And when we had more of a lindy hopper presence, I guess.  It's nice that we have more WCS interest, but even then, I walk this tightrope between things that would be enjoyed by the deep-into-wcs crowd vs the people who are just kinda adjacent to it.  Then again, maybe that's always been the case and it's just been a while for me.

Well, at least I'm making progress towards something.  It's this and the lesson plan that need to come together this week, and...fortunately, I'm feeling like there is time enough to do it all.  If worse comes to worst I'll skip out on MCS this week, but I don't really see needing to; it would be nice, actually, if I can get things at least halfway ironed out before then.

Did this past week's ALTTPR run and it was...okay, I didn't really get to explore my new hypotheses/routing strategies much at all, but that's fine.  There's always next time after all.  After this GCC dance I feel like (besides ever more Rhythm Quest work) one of the main things I'll be focusing on in my time between things going on (like another trip coming up) is ALTTPR, both getting ready for the kickoff race I'll be in in June but also compiling more data and resources, for both myself and my future mentees.

Unfortunately, I'm getting to bed late again, but at least I seem to be holding onto a good deal of hope in these coming times.  Sometimes I get a twinge of the urge to just "give in" and focus on nothing more than what I actually want, but, for now, I guess I still have some healthy energy to be my good ol self, trying to keep steady.

The Greeks believed that the gods had human emotions, flaws, and forms.  They are not only deceitful, but often tricked as well.  I guess by definition, it is like that in my temple of prayer as well.  Perhaps it makes them more relatable, more understandable.  Perhaps that helps in beginning to understand the skill of recognizing the context that someone else's action is going through as different than your own.

My last post was about Kuromi...a special case among the rest of the Sanrio crew in terms of being more than a one-sided character.  She's flawed...not in the way that, for example, Wish Me Mell is "flawed" by being shy, but more in that she has been through hardship and come out the other side.  Her messaging can sometimes be...presented a little shallowly, in terms of "I'm cool, and bad".  But I personally believe there's more to it.  The English lyrics to "Greedy Greedy" talk about "Let's break the rules" and "I do what I want, say what, I rule!" but I think the Japanese version has (as expected) a different tone.  "Transform into the best version of yourself", "Watashi wa watashi yo".  You can feel that instead of simply "breaking the rules for its own sake", Kuromi wants to find her own strength after being tossed away.  "I want to love myself more and more".

And I think regardless of whether she's "right" or not, I think that is a relatable feeling.  The sense of empowerment that comes from realizing that "me" is important, and worth asserting.

When you leave an offering in Tunic, it's received, but as a "false delusion".  Perhaps, a reminder of glory once sought.  The inner sanctum, there, too, contains a god that is...perhaps, flawed in a way, or tricked, or at the very least, trapped.  It is only through a special kind of connection that you can aid each other.

I'm not entirely sure, at the moment, what form my "prayers" take in the temple.  At the end of Actraiser, the angel brings you to visit the shrine at Northwall and you see that there are no people there.  "People may be most happy when not in need of help from their master, or when they have forgotten him?"

I don't think it's a bad thing if the temple is not some thing that I maintain on the daily, or something like that.  It's not really that kind of, religion, so to speak.  It's different, I think.  I mean, it's an inner sanctum after all.

Let's KUROMIfy the World.

TOGETHER let's dream
without fear

Today, let’ s make a promise to be forever uniquely ourselves.

As charming and cheeky, or as bold and brave.

You are AMAZING in every way.

TOGETHER let’s dream without fear and believe beyond the universe.

The world is ours to explore!

In the end there will be times when I am by someone's side and feel alone.  But in the same vein, there will be times when I am far away from anyone and feel connected.  The difference is not in the situation but in myself.

I've always thought of impacting life through a series of small everyday decisions.  We know that this is how dieting works, how studying works, how exercise works, how mental and emotional growth works.  Those times when you stumble upon a "life-changing revelation", or more likely, when someone writes "Why?" on a post-it note, are perhaps simply a culmination of those small instrumented changes over time.  We are constantly affecting and effecting who we are in these moments, this is why consistency is such an easy road for me to take; it ensures that I am always working toward the same things.

Things become so much harder when the past does not give me the answer.  But the inertia of all of the previous moments is somehow the impetus for me to continue picking out the dots to connect.  How could I ever blame myself, and all of my past selves, for simply following upon the path?

I've often described the experience of being a Taurus as picking a direction and continuing to go in that direction, even after the road curves.  Of course, sometimes there are barriers at the edge of the road that we end up barrelling through.  But sometimes it's more like a cliff or a mountain, and it's in those instances that we are forced to divert ourselves.  The question then is what happens when we come out on the other side, do we feel like we should retrace our steps to the same north star that we once followed, or was our trajectory altered in a way that instills us with a new sense of what is forward?

Somehow, though, we set forth, and if things don't feel right, we find ourselves drifting into the right direction, almost as we are gently guided by a magnetic compass.  We look at where we came from, where we are at, and where we may be, and we draw the dotted line forward.  One dot at a time, like always.

I felt unexpectedly supported today.  It's easy to forget, I think, about the care of the people around us and how they want us to succeed and be happy.  This is, of course, because we have a human tendency to only want to see things that reinforce our existing internal narratives.  Sometimes, there's an element of self-fulfilling prophecy that comes into it, but even without that, the data points that are highlighted in our heads are the ones that make coherent sense with our own self-narrative.

It's no different in ALTTPR, cognitive bias is of course rampant in that sort of environment.  It really sticks out when you lose because you skipped a required location and then didn't go back to it until it was your last check.  What's less obvious is all the times when you skipped the same location and gained an incremental advantage, especially those times when you still lost.  Statistical analyses and big data are some of the best tools that we have for understanding the game theory of complex systems, yet there are scant few doing that sort of thinking in that community, even on the micro-level of "how should you route X dungeon" or even "which of these two checks takes longer".  Imagine a texas hold em player who never bothers looking at the expected win percentage of their hands...

Anyways, on the ALTTPR side I'm slowly coming to a realization that I might be on the verge of making a really big shift in my routing style.  It's something that I'm not sure whether I should commit to, so more data and testing is needed on my part, but everything I've looked at so far points in favor of it...

On the life side, I...like I said, I feel supported.  Which is strange, because it was quite recently that I feel like I wasn't really in the state of mind at all to receive that sort of energy.  I had figured that I needed to take care of myself first before I could come back out of my shell, and to some extent, that work still needs to be done, but I guess sometimes people really =can= reach out and pull you in, you're not always Too Far Gone to be saved.  There is positive energy out there, "community", even, perhaps.  I've always known that solitude can be super healing for me, but company can, too, sometimes.  Both in balance, I guess.

It's okay, I guess...

I spent a bunch of time today on Rhythm Quest stuff.  Wasn't particularly satisfying work, but it's something.  I'm a little antsy to try and get into a more regular cadence of working on the game again, since there is so much to do, but I have to make sure to pace myself as well, and try to just pick one thing to work on at a time...whatever feels right, I guess.

Did this week's ALTTPR run, I feel like I did..."ok".  It's real hard to keep on top of things and be thinking ahead, I feel like.  I almost wonder if I'm overcomplicating my routing a bit, I feel like I need to fall back on "flowcharted" decisions a little more so that I can ease the mental burden.  Dunno.

The next two days I shouldn't really be aiming to get too much done, so I'm going to try and sit with that instead of feeling like I'm behind at the end of it all, I guess.  I'm looking forward to doing my pixel artwork for the month at some point, I feel like that will be a nice way to just get something done peacefully.

Life is just kinda so-so, for sure.  Like, nothing is bad, but nothing seems to really be going super well either, it's just kinda...there.

Alright, let's do this...

Today was one of those days where it's easy to feel like I didn't really get anything done, despite actually accomplishing an "ok" amount.  Not stellar, not nothing, just "ok".  It's mostly because the stuff I did didn't really check off any of the boxes I was hoping to, just dealt with other stuff here and there.

I washed and dried my bedsheets and everything, which was long overdue, but while I was at it I realized that I had been in need for a new duvet insert/comforter for a while and decided to do some research; eventually settled on a combo 2-in-1 silk duvet insert set that hopefully will fit the bill.  I may also need a new pillow, but that's perhaps something to tackle a separate day.

I then spent a little time on music production stuff.  I've wanted to turn my attention a little more toward sampling, as I feel like that's an area that I could have more fun with and is a little underexplored for myself personally.  Back in February 2023 I had discovered "Bishbattles" hosted by Bishu and, while the idea of a sample-based competition/music cypher was not new at all, thought it was really cool how creative and diverse people's ideas were when it came to this sort of stuff.

I wasted some time just flipping through and listening to some of the stuff that came out of that, but also spent some time downloading a few new samples and presets, as well as some random stuff to either sample or remix if the opportunity ever arises (Arthur theme, Yu-Gi-Oh theme, etc lol).  I browsed some of the articles on EDMProd as well, they actually have some decent text/image guides with audio examples, which is such a rarity these days when everything is just a youtube tutorial...

For One Hour Compo I ended up doing a Liquid DnB tune, which turned out quite well!  I think it was in 2021 that I started doing experiments with Liquid DnB at all (that was the month where I tried synthwave and trap as well, what a good month for me!  The synthwave stuff really ended up panning out too...).  I feel like I've gotten a really good handle on it now, you can feel the difference when compared to my previous attempts.  Not that those songs were bad or anything, just, this one is a little more authentically liquid dnb, I think I understand a little more what goes into it and how to replicate it, as opposed to before when I was doing something more akin to "dnb drum loop, plus some echoey 9-bit stuff".

Did the groceries too, after a brief DDR session.  I barely had time to play DDR that much and only played singles, but I felt like it had been so long since I played at all and I really wanted some physical motion to get my body going and get some exercise for physical and mental health.  I know I just went to Mission City Swing last night and did some glowsticking there too, but still wanted to get some cardio in...

I ordered 3 new white teas from Grass People Tree a little while ago, excited for those to arrive whenever they can make it to me!

Finished another keyboard build for a friend!  (was waiting for an osume set to come back in stock, which it did!)  This one is a Womier SK65 (aka the Lucky65 v1, v2 comes with a nicer quick-release mechanism but is a little less aesthetically pleasing on the bottom, etc), I ended up having my friend audition a handful of switches and they liked either the KTT Strawberries or the HMX Gachapons I had on hand (with the stock switches coming in third).  Honestly wonder if they would have liked some silent linears, but I unfortunately don't have any on hand...

I went with the KTT Strawberries as that would let the light diffuse a little bit more since the housings are more transparent.  Cool that those switches ended up finding another home after all this time!  The keycaps are Osume Cafe, it's a really nice muted beige/green color scheme, easy on the eyes.

There were like a few other things that I was going to attempt today, like starting on my monthly pixel drawing or doing some Rhythm Quest work, but I just didn't manage to get to them at all.  I didn't really get around to playing the weekly ALTTPR seed or playing any MOO2 or anything like that either, though.

Well, tomorrow is another day off.  I'm hoping to both make some good use of the time but also not feel pressured to do so, lol.  I just...want things to be normal.  No really busy days, no big breaks, just...keeping things steady.

 

I guess some small notes on Pagan Bunny Burn -- I don't care to talk too much about it because I feel like I've been reporting on it to the past like 15 people I had conversations with.  Overall it went well, I think!  Only real bad thing that happened to me was that I was really cold the first night, and also got a cut on my finger, got pinched by one of my tent poles while doing some assembly, but luckily not too bad.  I was happy that people made use of my little letter-writing station, and cooking went "fairly good", not perfect really, but went okay.

Seeing the burn itself was pretty cool, honestly the smaller burn was pretty epic as well, the bigger one almost a little less so because the energy was a bit different, I don't really feel like everyone was really focused on it, lots of people chatting about various things.  I mean, a lot of us were probably just looking at the fire and the embers and all that, but it didn't really feel as unifying of an experience as when the smaller effigy/statue was burning =while= all of the fire poi and all was going on with the music and everything.  But it was cool nonetheless, it's probably the first time I've really seen any sort of flame on that scale (I guess I should count myself lucky).

There were some pretty cool camps there and I feel like I got to experience a good variety of things there -- pickle juice + whiskey shots, a sound bath, black light + 3d glasses exhibit.  Somebody set up a big light-up rubik's cube too, so I had a good time trying to solve it, though of course it was really hard wrapping my head around the controls and of course it's always really hard to translate muscle memory to moves as well.  Was cool to make that connection though, and be the one person at the event who could do a successful solve on it, as well as meet a few kiddos who were getting a bit into cubing.

It was a nice break from everything overall.  It was more fun and enriching than the Portugal trip (which makes sense), but also had the same sense of like, "this was cool, but I also could have lived without this, too".  I guess the Portugal trip was a little less "necessary" for me since I had already been there before and all, this one I felt glad to go.

Now I'm back to trying to make sure I'm catching up and getting back into doing all those things that I do -- groceries, cooking, rhythm quest, alttpr, pixel art, etc etc.  I've got a few other miscellaneous things to take care of too, like sewing a new zipper onto my skirt.  Have to figure out what I want to do with my letter boxes now as well, now that I have some boxes that are all set up for a letter-writing station that I =could= bring to Teance and just leave them as they are.  Dunno...

 

I've been in the background, mulling over like, thoughts about anxious / avoidant attachment behaviors, pain from previous relationships, feelings of insecurity and not-being-good-enough, all that stuff.  I feel like video/audio journaling is something that has seemed helpful for this kind of thing so far, so I may find a time at some point to do some more of that, particularly if I am feeling a little off one of these nights.  I want to get back to a place where my social connections and relations feel like they're thriving and bringing me joy, but at the same time it feels like even though I'm out of "self-preservation" mode after being done with PBB, I'm still sort of just in "self-care mode" where I don't feel like I really have had the time to truly care for myself.  And by that I mean like in various sorts of ways...yes, the cheesy "you are enough" self-love messages and thinking, but also just like, having the time and space to have self-care evenings, whether that means extra skincare, videogames, more tea, or whatever...

It's been another year, I guess -- it certainly feels like it.  A lot has happened...too much, in fact -_-;  I know "growth" is good and nice and all, and like yeah yeah you're supposed to move forward and gain new perspectives and all that, but really...this is not what I signed up for.

I survived PBB!  I can probably jot down some thoughts about that but it's late and so I will instead report on my accomplishment for today -- I had the day to rest and recuperate and just chill at home after being out camping and everything and I ended up spending most of my time on...ALTTPR research.  It took a lot of work and I'm not 100% sure my code and all is bug-free (hopefully good enough...) but I believe I now know how to route through Skull Woods in pretty much all situations, woohoo!

Skull Woods is a really weird dungeon to route because it's split into different sections.  The key logic is not as complicated as PoD but there's an extra complication in that you can get softlocked if you drop into the "dropdown" hole and don't find a requisite small key to escape.  You can mitigate or even prevent that risk by doing the other checks in the front + middle of Skull Woods, but of course all of the different routes will have different timings and average timings, so it's really hard to know what is actually best in any given situation.

Some things from the analysis were intuitively true -- if you're planning to walk out of Skull Woods, you want to do the front last.  But other questions weren't as obvious to answer, for example if you're planning on doing a S+Q out of Skull Woods and clearing the entire thing, is it still better to do it back to front since the boss at the end is required?  Or should you try to potentially minimize backtracking by doing it front to back -- but risking a required backtrack for the big chest if there's an item there (happens 12.5% of the time).  Front to back actually ends up being better here, though of course skipping the front entirely is also a viable option since SW is in general just not a very efficient dungeon in terms of raw number of items.

Unlike the PoD analysis I did a while back, the conclusions from this one substantially change how I route SW in some cases (though not all), which is great!  It's going to be tricky to remember exactly how to route it since there are so many different options and cases, but hopefully I can get a handle around it intuitively and then start leveraging those routes in my runs...

I guess I'm almost, more or less set, for the burn...interestingly enough, I feel like one of the best parts of it for me will probably just be getting away from screens and all for a while, but on the other hand, I feel like the main reason why I feel like getting away from screens is something I need is because of the added stress that manifested in the past week getting everything ready, lol.

Somewhat surprisingly, despite the fact that I'm usually very keen on holding strict to my principles, obligations, etc, it seems that there =are= times when I put myself into self-preservation mode and let myself off the hook.  I guess it just doesn't happen that often, I mean I really try to live life in a way to not get myself into these sorts of situations and states.  So, even though it's a bit unfortunate that I managed to land in one, it's a good thing, knowing that it's a rare occurrence.

There's a certain interesting emotion that comes with being in these places.  It's...different, than that time, a long time ago, when I was here with my close friend.  Of course, there were "negative" emotions at that time, too.  But I have always loved that person, will always love her, her and her friends, too.  Here, the air is different.  It's charged with a different sort of "negative".

It doesn't have to be this way.  But it is.  That is, unfortunately, not my choice to make, though.  And fighting fire with fire is something that I've never really been up for.  So I just try to do what I always do and let it all flow past me.

There will come a time, though, when the flow will drag me into its current, too.  This time, too, I could see the signs of that starting to happen.  That someday it will not be enough to simply bring my peace.  And that I will become an unwilling combatant in the crossfire.

My values and autonomy will be tested, at that time.  It's a bit triggering to be put into that situation, to put it lightly.  But I'm not the most worried about that kind of thing.  I guess it's easy for me to say now, but despite it all, I think I have at least enough forgiveness for myself to know my limits.  Or at least, the metaphorical wisdom to know the difference.

I'm more worried about the sea of electricity that comes with the territory.  It's...I don't know, how should I best describe it?  It's not quite like being in Lower Norfair without Varia suit, that's more of a rapid and active drain on your energy.  "Electricity" is probably more apt to describe it, it's at once both more sharp but also less tangible.

A little bit of static electricity is a common occurrence when it's been particularly dry, as it has been lately these past few days for whatever reason.  Too much electricity is obviously a very bad thing.  I've had some fancy schmancy electro pulse therapy done on me before but, well...we all saw how effective =that= was.  In that sense, I think the electricity at that time was analogous to what I feel from the "sea of electricity" I see and talk about now.

I mean, I guess some people are okay with it; maybe some people even feel like that sort of thing feels kinda good.  So I guess everyone is different.  When I read stories about people who have fond memories of shared communal meals, dumpling making, or large banquets, or anything like that, it's a weird sort of cultural shared experience that I think I both kind of get and also kind of don't get at all.

I think I've read fiction that talks about how despite it all, meals were always a time to look forward to, filled with either exquisite treats or meals crafted with loving care and attention.  You know how it is.  Your favorite comfort food, that special treat that was made for you, suddenly triggering a sappy flashback scene into your childhood and connecting you with your past self in a way that only a visceral memory/sensation can.

I hear about a more pointed side of things too, about the fat-shaming or force-feeding and all of that stuff.  I don't really hear as much about the contrast between the food of our childhoods and the food of our adulthoods.  Maybe it's just that I had a weird experience, but I have to imagine that mine is shared, too...it's just never been something I've seen as a "thing".  We don't talk about how we botched all that stuff about the "food pyramid", about vitamin C tablets, about all the feelings our body went through that we didn't know how to fix or didn't have the capacity to escape, because of course, how could we?

Taking our own agency in life is something of a formative experience, I think we do it in many varied ways.  Sometimes we do really silly things because of it, sometimes some of us never get away from being teenage rebels or whatever, in our own way.  I guess food was one of those ways for me, one of the last things I felt like I reclaimed for myself.  There were a lot of things that I was reclaiming at the time, I guess, soooo many.

Being in the sea of electricity, always makes it so obvious why I have this deep-rooted need for solitude and solace.  I mean, everyone has a need for safety and peace, and I think solitude benefits a lot of people, too, but it's really something that I hold within my core I think.

I'm sure there are stories about this sort of thing too.  I...don't know if I have really come across them, though.  Someone close to me wrote a story once that captured a little bit of it in its scenes, but it wasn't really about the same thing.  In that story, "I" was falling through a sea of darkness and despair.  Into that quiet place, where there were no longer any unfulfilled wishes.  It's a story about something different, I think, of course, but I think that idea of going from turmoil to peace is rather universal.  Perhaps your specific flavor of "turmoil" and "peace", what resonates most with you, is revealing about these things that are circling around the core of who you are.

In Journey you go from the torrent of winds in the white snow, to silence, and then, to the grand environments of paradise.  In Sky it's different, you go from whatever that dangerous wind place is, to joining hands with everyone in the universe.

The version of "peace" in my friend's story was quiet and tranquil.  It resonates with me more than the "paradise" of Journey, no doubt about it.  This is why it's important for us to have different stories, to have different storytellers.  But I mean, those among us who have stories to tell sometimes can't help but express them, in whatever way we can...

Hoo boy...

I'm "alright", but barely, I think.  Went through a depressive episode last week, but pretty clearly identified where it was coming from and talked myself through it all.  Was pretty easy to spot once I went to the grocery store and felt really uninspired at the thought of cooking...

I actually ended up putting in a 500 for this year's TGM "Carnival of Death".  I didn't think I would get there, and I definitely don't think I had it in me to get an M rank, but I decided at some point that I would just forego my normal strategy and just stop manual locking as soon as I hit 300 and just focus on survival; that seemed to do the trick.

Speaking of TGM, TGM4 released, which is a bit crazy given that the game was originally teased in 2009 before being cancelled in 2010.  15 years later, I guess it's here.  It's...an interesting existence, in all regards.  It released to some very mixed reviews -- deservedly, due to some pretty glaring issues.  I bought it because, I mean, having an official TGM release on PC is just...cool, right?  But honestly I wonder whether I should have.  I mean it was fun to try, but I haven't been playing TGM these days and even if I =did=, would I really want to focus my time on this game versus something like TAP master, or even TGM3 at the very least?  I honestly don't really know.  But I mean, it got me to play some TGM, and that was cool.

Did this week's weekly ALTTPR seed and I sorta played like ass (ish...I mean overall it wasn't too bad but the end was terrible and made a pretty major decision-making flub) but wasn't even too disappointed or shocked; like 20 minutes after the run ended I realized I was =exhausted=.  Which is surprising in a way given that I got a really nice amount of sleep last night (10-11 hours I think?) but that was after a long and tiring day, and in general I've been running on low batteries.

There has just been a lot to think about and take care of, including a little "camping" outing next weekend which I still need to gather and buy supplies for, and organize a bunch of stuff for.  Hm, scheduling some PTO might not be a bad idea after all...

Hopefully that goes well though, I am planning on setting up a little letter-writing station.  I realized that even though it's a lot to plan for and think about and put together, I actually enjoy planning and preparing.  Luckily I still have some time left to handle all of that, but the time is approaching quite rapidly.

The chicky coop renovation is halfway complete, I'm super thankful to have that being taken care of, it's one less thing to worry about and one more thing to put onto the "completed" checklist.  I took my car in to have the brake pads replaced and the undercarriage inspected, only to learn that I need to also get another set of pads, some tires, and I still don't know what part I'm missing on the undercarriage thanks to a theft (!) that happened at the adjacent gas station.  Sheesh.

I'm trying to put together my GCC dance late this month too, just another thing on my plate.  That one isn't stressing me out yet but I'm sure it will, I mean I'm sure I can put together a cohesive lesson plan in like a week, but still!

But yeah.  Getting all my ducks in a row, as it were, will make me feel better about things, I know.  In the meantime, I should be thankful, being busy generally means I'm forced to just turn inward and make sure that my own life is working along okay, and that's kind of the mode that I'm trying to be in now, anyways.  After feeling kind of down this past week had already wanted to just turn back around and instead of being all social and everything just focus more on self-care and everything.  You know, finding the cozy joys in life and all that.  Of course, having stuff to worry about also sort of disrupts that, but like I said, I think it also makes it seem like really not a big deal at all if or when people don't have time for you.

That does put things into perspective for my past self though, like all those times when I felt a lack of attention and and all that bothered me but didn't seem to bother other people as much, was part of it just because everyone else was scrambling around and stressed out about other stuff going on in life and I was not?  I'm sure there were other factors too, but I think even past me always felt like people were living at a different speed than me.  Now that I live with other people who are also roughly my age, I kinda still feel like that's true to some degree (the different speed part).  I mean, everyone is necessarily different as a person to begin with of course, but the "tempo" and rhythm of life definitely feels different to me.

All I want is to be steady and calm...even in the face of all the things that I have upcoming, I'm just always doing my best to try and achieve things in that way.