Monday, March 7, 2016

Authenticity, Looking back on the past

Perhaps I'll need to take back a thing or two about what I said in my last post...hah!  We'll see, I guess.

Authenticity is a funny thing.  By that I mean the feeling of "being true to yourself".  I'm not sure if it's because of my tendency to look back upon what was with heavy nostalgia or if it's just a normal part of life, but I sometimes find myself questioning my own actions, thoughts, and general state of being as a whole, especially during times of uncertainty and glum.  I guess you could say that I take comfort in fitting into a known picture of myself, and so it evokes uncertainty when I find that my life isn't quite slotting into something that I know.  You can chalk it up to naivety or arrogance, but in the past I have had very strong feelings and ideals about the type of person that I should be, that I ought to be.  Of course, even I am not impervious to the mysterious forces of change, and that quiet girl named Sayuri who stood off to the side and tried to lead with as little force as possible may not exist anymore, but that doesn't stop me from wondering if she =should= still exist in myself.

I guess as the heart of it it's a matter of reminiscence -- that when the outlook is bleak or when things don't seem alright, it's natural to look back upon the past at a time when it seemed like things were going well, and wonder what happened along the way -- and question why I ever moved on from that "good time".

Of course, it's a bit of a rosy lens -- even thinking back to those times when I was very headstrong in my own character and "authenticity", it wasn't as if they were lacking in distraught or depression either (though perhaps to a lesser degree).  But I think as an ISFJ who prefers to have things fit a structured, established, and known worldview with everything in its right place, or perhaps even as a human being, it can be trying to confront change, whether it is a change in situation, or perhaps even a change in self.  It seems only natural to look back upon a known quantity and wish to return to it, but of course more often the reality is that the old and new must be infused together to create something better -- a shifting, expansion, or remolding of the ubiquitous "comfort bubble".  Moving towards an ever-changing future, slowly, bit by bit, with one hand still on the rails of the past.  There's no need to leap headfirst, so let's just take it slow, one step at a time.

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