Oct 14, 2025

We're going private for a while, for various reasons.  I guess in lieu of a real private post feature on Blogger, we're just sending stuff way into the future instead.  We'll see how it works out, I guess.

There's a lot I could write about, but also could just not write about.  I think rather than start big, I'll just start small.  We're doing pretty ok.  It's an odd mix of things, like feeling excited yet also unmotivated, lonely but also not.  I'm not really worried about myself, know that I'll be okay, it's more just like...how does the day to day feel, and how am I best taking care of myself while I swim through it all?

If nothing else, the xmas letter project is going pretty decently. I'm only a few days behind, and that's pretty ok, honestly I'm a little surprised I've managed to keep up this pace.  I have other things I know I can get to, some which I keep meaning to get to.  I'm actually getting some Rhythm Quest work done, but it keeps on getting bogged down because there's other stuff going on in my life.  I've done good data science for ALTTPR, but I should get back to updating my website with more of the data and findings.  Even for my keyboards, I keep meaning to make some sort of switchup, but haven't gotten around to it.

Silksong has overall been a great thing to keep me going and provide me something nice to just turn to when I want to just...play a game.  Reminds me a little bit of when I was playing Baldur's Gate 3 and despite all the flaws of that game it was...something to play and look forward to.

I dunno.  I like, =kinda= know what happiness looks like for me going forward, it's just a little fuzzy around the edges.  But also, that's not really something that worries me.  I'm ok not knowing exactly what the future looks like.  I'm ok just having a general direction.  I just keep on moving forward like I always have.  Someday I'll get "there", I think.  I hope.  Maybe you will, too.

I mean I think if I get really real with myself, I feel like I wronged myself.

I think sometimes that really stings because out of all the people in the world myself is the one who has really been through it all together with me.

Yeah, but...we're allowed to make mistakes.  We all do.  It happens.  And we keep on going, most of the time better than before, even if a little worn and battered.  Sayuri is "perfect", but she is not perfect, because no such thing exists.  She is only an idealization in that her traits carry her to success solely because she exists only in a framework where she can succeed.  Or even when she is in a situation when she "fails", it's still "admirable".

In the real world, she, too, would need to give herself compassion for the things that she could not do.  It wouldn't be her fault.