Kanon (2006) Rewatch - 3: Mai

Minor CW: self-harm

I've already watched through Shiori's arc, but let's circle back and talk about Mai Kawasumi, who we focus on from episodes 12-15, after a brief visit at episode 11 (which just advances various threadlines without focusing on any one arc).

Mai and Makoto's arcs both are a bit longer than the other heroines by virtue of being 4 episodes long instead of 3.  That might not seem like much, but I feel like it does sort of feel a bit off in terms of pacing; I know this is a bit of a complaint of the anime as well, in that the end starts to feel more rushed as you spend less time focusing on each person.  In theory this does make sense though, because the latter characters do get the benefit of simply having been around for longer, so the overall screentime is probably similar, perhaps.  I remember hearing that people felt that the anime focused too much time on Makoto, but the thing is that after Makoto's arc is done, you don't really see her* anymore for the entire second half of the show, so it sort of balances out in an odd way.

Mai's arc is so different than Makoto's!  I feel like it's much harder for me to distill and even to really "get", which is part of why I've been putting off this write-up as I mull over it a bit.

We first meet Mai at the end of episode 4, in a rather iconic scene where she stands silently in the dark of the night in a school hallway, sword in hand.  The color palette makes it hard not to draw the comparison to Saber in Fate/Stay Night...

Notice how the color palette is the polar opposite of Makoto's intro

 

"I ask you, are you my Master?"

Right off the bat, something that's really distinct about Mai's arc is that the "family/home" energy from Makoto's story is completely gone.  Yuuichi goes so far as to feign ignorance when asked about what's been going on by Nayuki and the others, and Mai never meets Akiko or visits her house.

"Betsuni" is anime-speak for "I'm hiding something important"

Along the way Ayu does end up moving into the residence, though, to the delight of both Akiko -- who seems to know a bit more about Ayu than she lets on -- and Nayuki -- who says that it'll be good for her mom to have her around after having lost a member of the family (Makoto).

I would characterize the shift in feeling between Makoto and Mai's arcs almost as an "intuitive vs sensing" difference in MBTI-speak.  Not necessarily on a deep level, but I just feel like in my personal experience S types have this sort of more reserved energy about them.  Mai and Sayuri definitely slot into that, and it's interesting to see how they're "quiet" in two different ways: Mai in the way she doesn't speak much, and Sayuri in the way that she speaks readily but seems to hide her genuine self.  She's one of those people who always acts so put together that you can't help but think that you basically just don't know anything about her true feelings.

Speaking of Sayuri Kurata, you might wonder if she is related to Sayuri Nagato -- you know, my other self.  There's a half-connection there, really...this is not quite where Sayuri's name comes from, but I remember thinking about Sayuri Kurata when I first contemplated the name "Sayuri", and feeling good about it.  I think this "calm" demeanor and air is something that I really look up to when I look at Sayuri.  It's really cool how that comes across even in a still image:

Of course, Yuuichi serves as the foil (third wheel??) to spice things up and disrupt the status quo.  Watching the anime, the way that he slots into their dynamic is sort of just left unquestioned as a given, but you have to wonder whether this is realistic at all.  Sure, there's the obvious answer of "well, Yuuichi just innately gets along with Mai because of past history", but I feel like a pair of senior girls who have been close (if not exclusive) friends for so long would probably have a long-standing connection and several practices that you'd probably witness, at least much more than you see in Kanon.  Like, don't you wonder what Mai and Sayuri's lunches are like together when Yuuichi isn't there with his antics?  Do they even speak to each other while eating?  What is that relationship like?  It's sort of a shame that we don't really get answers to this, by virtue of the show (and really, the VN) needing to centralize around Yuuichi as the protagonist (and the POV of the VN).  Instead we get interactions a little more like this:

"Patronizing" and "caring" are really the same thing with different contexts

There is something to be said here for whether Yuuichi is "necessary" in the exploration of Mai as a character and whether you could imagine an entirely separate story that focuses on Mai an Sayuri separately instead.  However there are some arguments (which I needed time to process through) as to why Yuuichi's role is actually relevant here to Mai's arc, which we'll hopefully get into in a bit.

On the plus side, you can notice Yuuichi's attitudes beginning to change a bit after basically being a nonchalant (yet well-meaning?) joking dickhead to Makoto (and Ayu, and everybody...).  And that's good; it means there is actually some character development there after everything that happened with Makoto.  That said, we'll still him to go through the "I got close to ___ 7 years ago and then totally forgot all about it" plot a few more times before the end of the anime...

I really never thought about it before, but it's fascinating to think about Makoto and Mai's arcs bookending each other because of their wild differences, but also in some interesting similarities.  I didn't catch it at all the first time, but don't you think it's a little interesting how after watching Makoto devolve to only being able to say "Auu...", we get this internal thought?

Of course, the energy in Makoto and Mai's scenes is completely different, which is why I didn't even notice it at first.  When Makoto can't say a word, it's painful, but when Mai can't say a word, it's just business as usual...

I highly doubt Yuuichi is projecting any feelings from Makoto onto Mai.  However!  I think the fact that he's so keen on "fixing" (not in those words) Mai is an important one to note.  I feel like in a lot of other stories this would come off as patronizing, misogynistic, or at the very least disrespectful of the way that someone has chosen to be.  However, I somehow feel like Kanon toes a very fine line here in trying to make it feel fun and harmless (mostly through a light-hearted comedic atmosphere), while making me question in the back of my head whether Yuuichi is overstepping his place and making too many assumptions about what is best for Mai.  I think this, also, is where Sayuri comes in as a pivotal support character -- if it's just Yuuichi meeting Mai as a loner, and trying to force his way of being onto her, then that seems totally messed up, but since Sayuri is there, we know that everything is okay, or even implicitly encouraged -- because otherwise Sayuri would have done something to stop it.

I would say that Makoto's route mainly circles around a theme of being with a loved one in their end times, and perhaps of caring for someone when they're only a shadow of their former self.  I know I've already written a lot about Makoto (forgive this tangent), but recently I've begun to put this into more context in terms of my own life.  My parents, for example.  It's not just about "how do I want to care for these people in their last years, when they become incapable of doing most things".  It's also about how Makoto's character itself changes.  Will I feel differently about my parents once they are no longer healthy?  If Makoto had just stayed as a healthy tsundere brat, would she be lovable?  Or is it simply because we see her in a "pitiable" state that we feel sorry for her?  Of course, my thoughts on this are a little complicated because of Makoto being a fox spirit, but nevertheless, I think that's something that's worth thinking about as it applies to life in general.

Anyways, if I had to say what Mai's route focuses on, it's...honestly hard for me to pin it down, but I would hazard that it's mostly about self-acceptance, or acceptance in general.  The most obvious way this turns up is Mai failing to accept herself, and her own powers.  But Yuuichi plays into this in an important way, too, by kind of not truly accepting Mai for what she is (not to mention Yuuichi's rejection of his past memories).  Thinking about Mai and Yuuichi more closely, I think there is an important conflict being explored here, of accepting who you currently are, while also allowing room for yourself to grow, change, and even move on.  Perhaps it's no coincidence, then, that Sayuri is the one who explains where the name "Kanon" comes from as she talks about how Pachelbel's Canon "repeats the same melody as the song gradually grows richer and more beautiful" (more like "grows more tedious and boring", if you're an instrumentalist...):

Sayuri, truly a girl after my own heart

Yuuichi, Mai, and Sayuri all have different approaches to self-acceptance and change, and I think being together serves to enlighten them to each others' perspectives a bit.  Yuuichi doesn't even remember his past because he's subconsciously repressed it, whereas Mai is stuck clinging to hers regardless of its toll on her, fighting the literal demons of her past with her sword because it's the only thing she knows how to do.  When Yuuichi comes into contact with Mai, he ends up feeling like she would be happier if her social image was better, if she was able to talk more -- in other words, if she can become a new person and accept that new version of herself more fully.  And that makes total sense coming from someone (Yuuichi) who rejected his past self fully.

The resulting "conflict" of views is far from black-and-white, which is why when I look at Yuuichi and Mai's relationship it can be confusing to understand at first.  Yuuichi seems like he's being a little pushy and presumptuous at times, and I think his attempts to "fix Mai's social image" by having her attend the ball are misguided.  But then we get these beautiful (more beautiful than I remembered, at least) scenes at the ball where they are dancing (Yuuichi where the hell did a moron like you learn to be a competent lead?) and Mai seems not only to be in her element, but also grateful to Yuuichi for the experience.

Okay Mai fans, I'm starting to see where you're coming from

...but just after it seems like Mai is "warming up" to Yuuichi, we get these interesting scenes where Mai seems to have this hot/cold attitude toward Yuuichi.  When he starts trying to "train" to be able to help her in her fighting, she dismisses him, telling him to mind his own business.  But the next time around, she accepts him in working side by side against the demons.  What gives?

Funny how a silent-type express coldness by saying more, not less

This I think is one of the many things that makes Mai's route trickier to understand.  When Sayuri comes into the picture in the "sword training" drama, Mai even calls her a downright "nuisance".  This I think is the most surprising at all given how much you can tell those two deeply respect each other.

Perhaps this is Mai's way of asserting her own personhood, and respect for her self.  You see, she isn't just a problem to be fixed by Yuuichi, and she and Sayuri already have a shared understanding that they have some things in their life they don't want to talk about.  And that's okay!  What Yuuichi fails to realize is that sometimes closeness isn't simply about getting involved in every facet of each others' lives.  If he had been paying to Sayuri and Mai's long-standing (and successful) relationship instead of trying to change things up, maybe he would have noticed that.

But!  At the same time, Mai is also in the wrong here, and I think she eventually realizes that as well (which is why she changes her mind about having Yuuichi there to fight the demons at night with her).  Mai is defensive of her self and her way of being arguably to a fault, and in interacting with Yuuichi, through experiences like their shared dance at the ball, I think she starts to realize that there is room for change, even while holding onto what makes us us.

Where does Sayuri fit into all of this, then?  And why do we spend a third of episode 14 going into her tragic backstory? (which I remembered more clearly than Mai's...)

"It was the first and last time we ever played together."

While her backstory is almost trope-like in the way it just classicaly represents "sad backstoryyy from a Key VN/Kyoani animeeee", I don't think it's just here to evoke some cheap tears.  The reason why Sayuri's backstory is important is to provide a contrast to Yuuichi and Mai's approach toward their respective traumas.  It's clear that Sayuri was messed up by her brother's death, possibly showing some signs of depression and/or dissociation. ("I began to refer to myself in the third person from that moment on.  I could only see myself from an outside point of view.  I couldn't smile either, just as Kazuya couldn't.")  I admit I =totally= missed this before, but we even see evidence of self-harm:

Oh...okay, you really went there

Besides the obvious that I missed, as I watch Kanon this second time around, I'm also starting to pick up on more subtle connections and impressions.  Of course, Sayuri grabbing her wrist is a way of highlighting the darkness that she faced while also noting that it's been "turned over" and put to rest, but to me this imagery also makes me think of self-healing.  It's a little dissonant since Sayuri is talking about having gotten better "after meeting Mai", but I think in telling this story, Sayuri is serving as an example of someone who was able to come (through her own strength, really) to accept her painful past -- letting go of her pain while still carrying some fragment of it forward with her (oh Sayuri, you really do get it).  "One day, Kazuya might not just be a sad memory for me." she says, while quietly smiling in that way she always does.  This is in direct contrast to Yuuichi, who is still running away from his past none the wiser, and to Mai, who is clinging to her past in a way that hurts her, both metaphorically and literally through the maifestation of the "demons".  Sayuri is put forth as "the wise one" who found the path.  She already knew about Mai and Yuuichi's late night demon fighting all along, even though they were trying to keep it a secret from her.

One niche criticism (among a handful) that I have about this route is the above scene during Mai's childhood flashback.  It only lasts for a second or two, but I think it's cliche, cheap, and unrealistic.  This happens immediately after we see Mai show off her "healing powers" in performance by healing the little yellow bird.  It's a real shame because the idea and the visceral sound of the bird crashing into/through the window is such a powerful shock to what was shaping up to be an "hey, everything's okay!" scene.  I just personally don't think it's appropriate to muddy the emotional energy here with "hey, just in case you didn't get it, we inserted this screenshot to make it clear that everybody hated Mai after this".  I feel like showing the externalized outcomes here is less resonant than it would be if we showed a scene of what Mai was like a week after that experience, and how there was a clear wall between her and everyone else -- including her own mother, probably.  But that's just me...

I didn't remember this from my first watch really, but Mai tries to take her own life not once but twice in this route, and I think both of these scenes take processing for me to try to "get", too.  The first time is in response to her shock at Sayuri having wandered out into the school and harmed by the "demons".

Rewatching this scene I think it really evokes the kind of despair that I've felt in the past when I just felt like I was completely worthless and couldn't do anything right.  I found this line particularly interesting because when she says "I'm the only one left untouched once again." she couldn't be further from the truth, as she's clearly not "just fine".  But when you see yourself as so broken and unlovable, this is the kind of thing that you feel, that everything that went wrong is somehow your fault.  The hard part about this is that in a way it's true.  In the depths of some of my depressive episodes I caused a lot of harm to some of the closest people around me.  So it's really hard not to see things that way, and to carry on.

It's revealed that Mai's "demons" are fragments of her powers, or in other words, her "self".  In that way, her fighting against the demons at night is a metaphor for the way that she represses large parts of her self out of self-loathing, or at the very least a belief that she needs to "fight down" the negative aspects of herself.  And of course, the very same "demons" end up causing harm to those closest to her (Sayuri, Yuuichi), and affecting her social and academic life.  Sounds about right, huh?

Aw, shucks...I really relate to this whole arc much more than I initially thought...But anyways, as we know from Celeste (which did a wonderful job telling =that= story), this fight against our inner demons is not a fight we can "win", and fighting isn't the solution -- we need to learn to be compassionate for our darker sides, and to give ourselves grace and forgiveness for being imperfect and human.

 

But of course, this is easier said than done.  (and if you've been reading my blog long enough, you'll know that I have a propensity to ask ourselves why we can't also keep vestiges of our maladaptive behaviors around sometimes -- for they are sometimes beautiful in their own right)  "If I let go, I'll be nothing but a helpless doll.  I'll cause trouble to you and Sayuri."

And then we get to probably the weirdest part of Mai's arc.  Just when it seems like Mai warms up to what Yuuichi is saying (in the VN this scene is much longer, with Yuuichi telling her that after graduating, him, Sayuri, and Mai should rent a place together, and take turns cooking, and bring all the stuffed animals, and she basically says "yes....let's do that"), she says thank you -- or in the VN, "I want to be with you and Sayuri forever" -- and then proceeds to stab herself.  This time Yuuichi can't intervene, but she ends up being saved by her last "demon spirit", i.e. a manifestation of her healing power, i.e. good ol convenient Key universe magic.

 

This...is a scene that really confuses me, and probably one of the weaker parts of Mai's arc, provided I'm not just missing something obvious.  It's worth noting that the anime diverges (cuts out) substantially from the VN here, which leaves things quite a bit more ambiguous.

We can put forth various theories on why Mai stabs herself here, things like:

- She wanted to "be reborn", so she stabbed herself and then healed herself as a way of doing this
- She gave up in the very end and didn't think she was worthy of what Yuuichi was telling her
- Once she realized what the demons were, she felt like she no longer had any purpose to live
- She felt wholly responsible for all the harm her demons did and wanted to punish herself
- She thought that it was the only way (best way?) to eliminate the last remaining demon

I guess maybe the best interpretation I can really give is that this scene is a metaphor for Mai accepting her powers and doing what she needed to do all along by using them to heal the person who needed it most: herself.  But this is on very thin grounds because the original intent of the VN scene is much different, and there it's debatable whether Mai/Yuuichi/Sayuri even have a happy ending or whether Mai just ends up dead (i.e. there's a long happy dream-like sequence but it's unclear whether it's actually a dream or not).

The messaging of this scene seems unclear in both the VN and in the anime and it's a real shame because I feel like it comes at a moment which could have been pivotal in hammering home whatever messaging or themes we were supposed to get out of Mai's character.  Instead we have to sort of just piece together things from all of the other moments and come up with a vague formulation of what her story is about.  It seems that readers of the VN route are similarly divided and/or confused as to why this happened.

Looking back upon the arc as a whole, I feel like this has to be the entire route's biggest weak point.  If Mai's story is about self-acceptance or how we deal with our past trauma, what kind of message is it supposed to send if we have the main heroine meet a supposed tragic end through suicide?  Yes, the anime conveniently solves the issue through some deus ex machina-type magic, but that's really not an excuse for this imagery.  IF anything, the ending would make more sense if Mai =had= stayed dead, that way it would be a reflection of how sometimes despite all of our best efforts (both us and other people), sometimes our darkness wins out in the end and we just can't bring ourselves to self-acceptance.  Imagine the impact that would have on Yuuichi?

...okay, let's try this again.

PERHAPS what the VN was really trying to get with this scene at was this idea that Mai went through pain -- too much pain -- over the past 10 years, and how sometimes, you need a "miracle" to combat a darkness that's that strong.  The ambiguous ending of the VN (whether Mai dies or not), perhaps, is a way of showing that even after all that Yuuichi and Sayuri and Mai went through together, it's possible that the darkness is too great.  That in the end it's still a very real possibility that Mai couldn't make it.  This "miracle" that I mentioned is alluded to be the idea of "hope" (kibou), as that is what Mai's "magical power fragment/demon" calls herself in the ending.

And so perhaps Mai's route is meant to be more of a half-tragic ending, showing just how powerful the depths of self-loathing and despair can be.  And to make us really reflect on that, but while simultaneously providing the idea of a "hope" that even though the darkness was so powerful that Mai ostensibly died, there is still a version of the future in which she didn't.  And that "hope" fragment wasn't just magic that came out of nowhere, but it was contained within Mai herself.  In that way, it's providing the idea that even in the darkest depths of despair, when all is lost, there is still a way for you to save yourself.  ??????

Well, whatever it is, I have to say that after all this writing, Mai's route is...fascinating, and very interesting to try and pick apart, but at the same time quite flawed in some ways.  There are some definite good moments, and some great themes that are explored, and seeing Sayuri, Mai, and Yuuichi interact as a trio provides a lot of hidden depth and nuance to their interactions that I love.  But I can't say that I enjoyed the route as much because of all of these weaker points.  There are a lot of fascinating character dynamics which unfortunately come up against what I can only say is some poor plot writing.

Ahh, I thought I was going to write =less= after Makoto, not more...well, next up is Shiori, we'll see how that post turns out...