It's always easier to write about things at the time, than to try and recall previous feelings at a later point.  I guess that's why blogging every day after school always felt like a nice thing...

Most of last week was pretty busy (and even a few days the week before, honestly), mostly with work stuff, though that slowed down towards the end of the week.  I was left this weekend with a weird feeling of not knowing whether I should try to just catch up on some stuff that I need to do (to feel better), or to just try to not really do anything productive at all (to feel better).  When "being productive" and "being not productive" are sometimes two different roads to the same outcome it becomes difficult to evaluate where I should go.  As always, though, balance is usually the right answer, and my mind is quick to course-correct whenever it has strayed too far in one direction or the other.

Yesterday, for example, I didn't really get to check anything substantial off of the todo list at all, so today I ended up making up for it by handling an album release, then working on a song for 4 hours, as well as writing and finishing a letter.  Pretty much any day where I get to put significant progress (in this case, finishing the entire rough draft) towards a song outside of OHC time is usually a good day for me...

Did some "fun but also hard work" things this past week as well.  We had a sushi night where I got to play sushi chef and make 4 different types of nigiri.  Although my raw fish were not quite the ideal shapes/sizes, it was quite an experience trying to slice through them in one clean motion with my knife.  I can see why people use single beveled blades for this stuff -- you can really feel it when your knife isn't up to snuff for this particular task.  Forming the sushi rice itself was much easier this time, knowing that the "water" that you dip your hands into to avoid rice sticking should actually be a mixture of water and rice vinegar...  We also did a hair bleaching + dyeing session, so I'm back to a deep blue color with some purple tips.

I've got a mental "checkup" of sorts coming up and thinking about that was a good chance for me to inventory what has potentially been bothering me in my life, even if those things are not really rearing their ugly heads at me at this moment.  Usually it's the same few things, honestly...stress, people, family, and loss (not necessarily in that order).  Out of all of those loss is the one that is perhaps most pervasive, though it also is not really as much of an issue when I'm busy being distracted by all the other ones.  Thoughts about loss and "abandonment" are of a different nature really, than all of the other ones, and I'm sure that is obvious just from the way that I write about it.

As we settle into September it's important (as always) that we continue to track what makes sense for us to do in terms of our goals for Social Studies.  Listening to an online LGBTQ+ roundtable for the city that I live in, one of the takeaways I got from it was how important it can be to make it obvious in our communities and interactions that we are thinking about inclusivity and to call out gender typing / etc.  This is of course something that I've thought about a lot in the past as it relates to typecasting social dance roles, but there are a number of ways in which we can probably do better about that outside of dance as well.  I've tried to make my pronouns (now listed as "he/him/she/her all OK") present in a few more places as that is something that is quite easy to do.  I admittedly still have to get used to bringing that up when introducing myself, though that is difficult since introducing myself is something that so rarely happens in the first place...but I guess I can always start asking when I meet new people too.  Honestly though, a lot of the time I hardly even ask for people's names when I meet them...bleh

In other news, I've been trying to get a little bit more aware of my sleep cycles -- not just my schedule of sleeping itself, but trying to be a little more conscious of regulating exactly how much sleep I get.  After one too many times of waking up groggy due to getting "the wrong" amount of sleep I figured I should probably try to do a better job of figuring out what the "right" amount of sleep is.  I've figured out for example that I tend to come out of a sleep cycle about 4 hours after sleeping, but I've yet to solidly figure out whether 7.5 or 8 or 9 are good number of hours for me to really feel ready to wake up in the morning (though I can guess).

I've been a little less involved with positive activism than I'd like to be.  Granted, I've been busy, so that is sort of an excuse for it, but I don't think that's really the whole story either.  I think I skimped a bit on research that I should have done in the meantime for more critical activism.  Anyways, right now instead of that I've actually been thinking to sort of sidetrack my efforts and instead look for penpal programs.  I tried writing a letter for the Letters to Strangers project and I may do so again but I felt like it did feel a bit impersonal to be sending a letter into the void.  Granted, these blog posts are perhaps much the same thing, and there are certain times at which perhaps I would be ok with sending a letter to the void.  But it seems perhaps more in line with my sensibilities to send a letter that is actually directed towards someone.  I've joined up with a program that claims to pair writers with nursing home patients/workers to write to, so we'll see if that ends up going anywhere.  Who knows, maybe I will end up finding someone who will actually write back, unlike all of those many people who seem to only exist in the memories of my past.

The Tale of Princess Kaguya (Kaguya-hime no Monogatari) and Rain World, though of course very different pieces of media, are some of the only works that I've come across that resonate so clearly with me on matters of buddhism, life, loss, and attachment.

It is perhaps even more interesting to compare and contrast the two.  When Kaguya returns to the land of the eternal it is almost impossible to deny the feeling of loss and separation in that moment.  A base reading of Princess Kaguya would see it as a story with a moral cautioning against forming attachments, as they lead to suffering.  But this is completely missing the point.  It's obvious that from Kaguya's brief time on earth there was "true happiness" there, or at least what we would think of as happiness -- what I would refer to as "deep happiness" (as contrasted with happiness that is more shallow).

So when Kaguya-hime returns to the moon it is impossible, as one suffering from the human condition, to see it as anything other than something which evokes a deep sense of sorrow.  That is not to say, however, that it is wrong for Kaguya-hime to return to the moon.  Loss is inevitable, regardless of other-worldly filial obligations, and that is really the crux of it all, and what this film reminds us of -- the fact that we are destined to lose happiness, by its very nature.

But when Slugcat goes from a cycle of suffering and reincarnation to achieving a "nirvana" of sorts, it is a bit harder to say whether this outcome is "happy" or "sad".  Part of this is that Rain World's ending is up to much more interpretation.  I think it's undeniable that Rain World's ending is not "the happy ending" that Slugcat wished for in the beginning of the game.  And of course, many gamers felt unhappy at seeing the ending, because it is not that happy ending.

But of course, that "happy ending" doesn't exist.  Just as Kaguya cannot magically return to her childhood and simply lead a carefree life forever, Slugcat cannot be with its family again, at least not in the physical world.  Because that's not really the point of it.  I should probably explain better, but it's 7:30AM and I didn't really mean to get into a full analysis.

Anyways, when Slugcat sees the vision of the "home tree" in the very end, it's very hard to say whether it's "happy" or "sad".  I guess in one sense, it's much happier of an end than what could have been.  The fact that there IS a "home tree" waiting at the end I think provides something that really touches my heart and makes me feel really emotional at the journey.  But at the same time, it is not the "real" home tree.  And I think there is a certain sadness there, too.

I think there are many views of the ending of Rain World, which is part of why I think it is so beautiful.  I think there is an optimist view that says that Slugcat finally was able to truly meet the rest of its family in nirvana -- that they had also ascended, and that they would be together forever, happily ever after.  And there is a less optimistic view that what Slugcat sees is simply an illusion, something that is not real at all.  But anybody who argues that their own interpretation of the ending is "right" is missing the point.  Because it is all of these things and more.

It really makes you think and it sticks with you.  Or at least, it has stuck with me.  I guess you could say that while Kaguya-hime makes us think about life, Rain World on the flipside makes us think about death.

"Behold this empty husk of a land...

Populated only by storms, ruins and abominations. It wasn't always thus.

I was once the Count of 2 living blocks, esteemed by my peers. I had progeny!

From within my vessel of flesh, I would perch upon this spot to observe the rising of the sun.

Corporeal matters seem so distant now. Most have forgotten this place, but I remain.

Perhaps I reminisce because I cannot go. Perhaps I cannot go because memory traps me here." 

--Nineteen Spades, Endless Reflections

Stats Update August 2020

Since nobody (nooooboodyyy) checks "profiles" anymore (an long-lost relic of the AIM and ICQ days...), I might as well post stat updates here.  Here's the latest:

Blog posts: 3,780 (Xanga archive) + 735 (Blogger) = 4,515 over 15.92 years (283.546 per year)
Letters written: 1,266 over 13.13 years (96.415 per year) (1 per 3.788 days)
Letters received: 415 (3.05:1 ratio)
Music: 829 songs released over 16.05 years (51.653 per year)
One Hour Compo: 193 top 3s out of 354 Compos entered (54.52%)
Ludum Dare: 23 entries, 24 medals (across all categories)
Anime: 2,925 Episodes watched (50.47 days)
Desktop Wallpapers: 3,269

Realized a while ago that I was probably due for a break, so I took Friday off and will be off on Monday as well.  Spent Friday....doing a lot of housework, actually, and this weekend I've been doing a mix of things -- pretty much the usual, honestly.  Got my monthlies album cover done, played some games, cooked a bunch of food, got some exercise, that kind of stuff.

Despite how often I've recommended using the broiler for cooking fish fillets, I've actually been moving to just pan frying them on a skillet, as I feel pretty comfortable with it and there's a bit less setup involved, plus you get a nice crisp skin which is great.  Might be a different story if our broiler ran hotter, and if I have an especially thick belly slice I don't think pan frying is the way to go (you'd need sous-vide or some time in the oven to ensure the interior is cooked through), but for an everyday nice fillet just follow the instructions at https://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2017/01/crispy-pan-seared-salmon-fillets-recipe.html  -- I don't even find that a non-non-stick pan is even necessary for this, as the skin crisps up just fine on a nonstick skillet.  Though of course if you've got a nice carbon steel skillet that you like to use then by all means go ahead.

Sent in my first "letter to a stranger" and got one back as well.  I'm not sure how diligently I'll be contributing to that project, but the promise of getting a letter back is kind of nice, even if it isn't written to me directly.

I started (finally) converting the original binder paper "people making my day" log over to my spreadsheet, which involved going over a plethora of random positive events in 2005-2006 that warranted noting.  Some of them didn't really surprise me much, but I realized upon reading that that there was a friend who was actually very important to me that I had forgotten how good of a friend I had considered them.  But it was really clear, reading through that log, how much happiness this person brought to my life.  And I was actually able to chat with them for a while the other day.  It's not very common that I am able to retrace the steps and find someone who has left my life, but every once in a while, it still happens.

It's quite something, reading through this log.  In a way, it makes me sad because I realize that those were some of the closest bonds that I have ever felt.  And through all of the experiences and people that I met during my 5 years in college and beyond, there are scant few that would come close.  All the others pale in comparison.  And it wouldn't matter that it's been 10, 15 years since that time -- I still consider those people to be more important to me.  Because of what we went through together, and because of what they meant to me.  During the time when seeing someone after school, or at lunch, and spending time with them, was all that I needed to have a great day.

I can't tell whether it makes me feel "closed" or "open", thinking back to all of these times, and how important they have been.  On the one hand, these people will always remain important to me.  Even those that I don't like anymore and don't wish to interact with, those ones are important too.  But the ones which I truly miss, those feelings won't fade.  And even if they do, I still have my logs from 15 years ago to remind me of them.  How can I possibly make space in my life for new people when I already have such a rich, full, and heavy past?

But it makes me feel, too, that these types of relationships are things that I must cultivate.  Or even if I cannot cultivate, to make possible, if only from my end.  Even if there is no one else in the world who wishes to interact in the same ways as I once did, if I still believe in it, then I'll be there waiting.  I'm not sure what to call this trait that I have, but I can't wish for something to be true, and then simply feel sad that it's not and move on.  I'll go back even if it seems pointless.  Because I can't believe in it otherwise.

So though it makes me remember, that I have a thread tying me to my past, it also makes me remember, that I have a duty to live that belief forward in the future as well.  To show the world, and myself, that we =can= connect as we once did.  And that just because the world moved on, doesn't mean that everyone did.  Because I am still here.  So I must make sure that I am there, waiting to greet anyone else who might come, or might not come.

"I’m in, I whispered. But I knew she would never be there again."

BLM Update 3: Check-in, 1k Project, Abolitionism

Let's just go ahead and get the BLM update out of the way first, then we can just make a separate post for other stuff.  I think I've been shying away from BLM updates because I feel like I should only make a specifically BLM/social studies post when I have =advice= to give, but of course that's a bit silly -- part of the reason this blog exists is to offer a sense of personal connection and shared experience where there might otherwise be none.  So even if I don't have any advice to give, perhaps someone can gain value out of reading my experiences -- not by learning something new, but simply by feeling less alone.

We're already 2 whole months out from June when a lot of us started to realize that we should be thinking more seriously about these things.  This was never really a sprint for me, and there was no accompanying rush of activity, but for a while I took it on myself to do daily homeworks relating to these issues, whether it be more significant things like writing to a city council regarding reforms, or whether it be more paltry things like simply watching a video.

That momentum has slowed down, of course, for not only me but for many others as well.  I don't feel bad about that though, since the plan was not to keep on doing something every single day until the end of time.  So now we come to the "slow and steady" phase where we must simply incorporate education and activism as part of our lives from time to time.  Not every day, but simply "every so often".  Being one of the activities I have taken onto myself, this is something that happens almost automatically for me, for when I neglect something that I consider a priority for too long, it catches up to me and I have no choice but to address it.  But of course, everyone has their own way of keeping up with things, with following through.

The movement to "become a better citizen", and by that I mean, to become someone who is "on the right side of justice", who supports those in need and strives to make things right, takes many forms, and not all of them involve medals or badges that you can proudly display on your metaphorical social mantle.  The amount of work that needs to be done can seem overwhelming at times; however, I implore you to see the many areas of focus not as a sign of despair, but rather as a source encouragement -- there are a plethora of ways in which you can fight this fight, and by no means should you expect yourself (nor anyone else) to become significantly involved in every single one of them.  When the goal at the end of the day is "to do better than you were before", there are any number of ways in which you can achieve that.

Since we are in the middle of a global pandemic, there are probably many days in which you may not feel the strength to pick up a big project relating to these Social Studies works.  Actually, even if we were not in the middle of a global pandemic, there would still probably be many days in which you would probably not have that strength.  Mental health, after all, is something that fluctuates naturally, whether you realize it or not.

And that's OK.  Sometimes you don't really have that much activation energy to throw around, and faulting yourself for that isn't really productive, regardless of whether it is actually your "fault" or not.

Luckily we aren't in this alone.  The fact that there are many of us in this together means not only that we can come together in numbers, but that we can facilitate and motivate each other -- to provide resources that lower the bar for activation energy.  And yes, this is actually one of the few ways in which social media is perhaps being used well (lol).

One easy way to ease the bar for yourself is to subscribe or follow newsletters, activist organizations, etc. that will periodically offer you call to actions.  The burden of figuring out WHAT to do and HOW to do it is thus taken off of your plate and this can often avert our intentions from the ever-present force of operational procrastination.  Of course, often you are only going to nab at the low-hanging fruit by doing this -- it's arguably much less impactful to sign a digital petition, than to research and then advocate for policies by dialing into a city council meeting.  But as I said, sometimes you aren't ready to do the real gruntwork.  Sometimes the best thing, is to simply find one, small, tiny thing you can put on your todo list, and check it off.  And then do it again.  And then again.  And yet again.  Continual, incremental efforts.  This is how empires are built, and by corollary, how empires can change.

As I said before, there are many different dimensions to this whole thing.  The topics that we are thinking about in our current semester of Social Studies are not limited to simply defunding the police, but understanding how the problems we see in the BLM movement are interrelated and interconnected with the prison-industrial complex, with socioeconomic issues, with incarceration, with class struggle.  When you study (studied?) the Great Depression in history class, it wasn't enough to learn a single-sentence answer to "What caused the Great Depression?"  (for reference, just look at the length of the "Causes of the Great Depression" wikipedia article)  Similarly, when we look at the acts of injustice that we have recently unblinded ourselves from, we cannot simply hope to understand them through a single-sentence statement such as "police = bad".  For that does nothing to answer the question of =why= the police are bad, how the policing system was designed (around incarceration and servitude), and how it operates in conjunction with systems of economic profits.

I'm not sure if that really works as a lead-in to this, but anyways, I was recently made aware of "The $1k Project", which hopes to facilitate trusted matches so that donors can provide $3000 over 3 months directly to a family that is in need due to the ongoing pandemic.  The idea being to provide direct financial assistance to real people.  Of course, if you do not wish to donate an entire $3000, there is an option to contribute a lesser amount (min $100) via a group campaign, and all contributions are matched.  Anyhow, this project might seem a little bit unrelated to the other social studies stuff that is going on, but in the end, as I mentioned above, it really all is related, in a way.

To close off this lengthy post I wanted to briefly mull over some thoughts about prison abolitionism, police abolitionism, and such matters.  I cannot pretend to have fully reached my conclusions about what the "correct" course of action for these things is (if there is one).  But I think I've realized that there feels to be this stumbling block for many of us when we think of abolishing the police and the prison system entirely.  There's a strange resistance that comes up in my mind when I think about tearing down the policing and prison systems, and I think it's a little more than simply resistance to change and the fact that "it's always been this way".

The way that I've been explaining this to myself is that it's hard to abandon these systems because it's possible to imagine a version of policing and imprisonment that IS just, and that operates in a way that facilitates what we actually want out of our justice systems, rather than aims to incarcerate unfairly, to employ forced labor, and to serve as a malicious tool.  There is a world where every officer is impartial and trustworthy, where they are both held accountable to the highest standard and meet that highest standard.  And where the prison systems are designed to rehabilitate rather than to profit.  And I think part of the internal resistance in my (our?) minds to this idea of a world without these systems, is that when we imagine these systems we imagine the versions that they "ought to be", not the ones that exist today.  And when we see that these systems are not functioning the way they should be in our minds, the first thought that comes to mind is "why can't they?"

The answer to "why can't they?" is a complicated one that, again, has no single-sentence explanation.  But even without the conceptual understanding of that answer, I think it's fairly clear from the empirical evidence that there is no working path from here to there.  And I think framing things in this way has helped me understand why it is not enough to fix a broken system -- and why the system must be redesigned from the ground up instead.

Sometimes it's enough simply to recognize that you aren't doing ok.  The "why" can wait until another day.

Time for another update, it feels like.  It's already been a week...

Perhaps one of the most disconcerting things about sheltering in place to me is the ease at which it seems to throw old habits off course.  When our lives are suddenly that much "smaller", it feels very easy to succumb to the fallacy that so many things don't matter anymore.  The whole "out of sight, out of mind" idea, I think.  I can't say for certain whether my blogging has been affected or not (well...okay, maybe not.  It is me, after all, I just keep coming back again and again and again and again, without fail), but it sure feels like it would be very easy for me to forget that it matters, to lose track of time, to just go on trying to live this bubble of a life without stopping to think about maintaining those things that were left behind.

Maybe blogging wasn't the best example, but I feel that my remote contact with others has definitely been affected.  It's difficult enough to keep interactions going when you =do= see people, but nowadays people are even further removed from you.  On the one hand, I guess you might reach out more, knowing that you kind of have to, since you can't see people in person.  But on the other hand, perhaps the lives of others seems that much more inconsequential.  It's not like you're going to see that person again anytime soon, so wouldn't that naturally make it feel like those interactions have a little less of an impact?  Or...perhaps that's not the reason, but really just that everyone is sort of in a strange state of half-hibernation.  Trying to adapt to a life that is the new normal, yet is not normal at the same time.  I'm lucky enough that my life before and after shelter-in-place measures is more the same than it is different, but I'm sure that is not the case for many people.

But perhaps not much =really= changed at all, in the end.  When I think about people being isolated out of necessity, I can't help but wonder how connected we really were to one another before all this.  Certainly, the social dynamics were of a different flavor, but was it not the case that people were always, already in their own bubble, each running their own lives, stopping very briefly to notice one another, but never truly connecting?  The ways that we interact with each other in social lives...did we ever truly let each other in?  Or was that space simply reserved for that of a significant other, and of a family, because that is what society teaches us?  From my experiences, I cannot help but think that the isolation we currently face is any different than the isolation I faced for most of my life.  But of course I also know that my experience is not the same as everyone else, and that I am perhaps a special case (as everyone is), being not only extremely introverted but perhaps choosing not to buy into the system, the social system, as it were.

But I will say this, that when I think about the social isolation that we (hopefully, all?) are undertaking for the greater good, my mind does not, and cannot, think to itself, "I miss the days when...".  Because instead my only thought is sadness, sadness for the fact that it really doesn't feel all that different.  I'll never see Kiki again, quarantine or no quarantine, so what does it matter?  Those people who I am able to see in my day to day life, do you really think that they are the ones that are most important to me?  I already said before, that there are many of my current friendships that I would gladly trade, to be able to connect with those that were once in my life.  But I also know that this wish is not shared.  And perhaps it is a foolish wish, too, because back then, I was naive and did not realize just how few people truly cared.  How few people are willing to see things through, how few people understand what it means to stay connected, how few people cared about looking backwards to what came before.

I have met oh so scant few people like that in my life.  But after Kiki, I learned to see it.  I could tell, which people would leave, and which people would stay.  And it didn't have anything to do with what they said, or promised, but how they chose to live.  I had already put my faith in Kiki.  I had tied my string to her, and I could not simply "choose to move on".  If I could, I wouldn't be the kind of person still writing in this blog.  I wouldn't be the kind of person who still think back to those people, and wonder why they don't care about me when I care about them.  I watch as you interact casually with people who I am sure are more important to you than I am despite not caring nearly as much about you.  And I am hurt.  But this a price I must pay, because I have no choice.  I did not know, when I bound myself to you, that you would forever leave, taking a part of myself with you, never to return it.

It took me so long, to understand how you could leave.  But now I understand.  It wasn't that you were any different than anyone else.  Because everyone else is the same, too.  I know this, because I met another version of you.  Just this past year, in fact, I met another, and I felt my heart flowing with these emotions, because it felt like I had found you again, even though it was not you.  But my heart also knew, that this person would leave.  It was inevitable.  I could speak of it as if it were destiny.  I knew they would be gone.

And now, they are.

I didn't intend to write about Kiki today, but here we are.  I probably wrote a lot of things that aren't clear to you, but hopefully you might understand a little better why when I think about quarantine isolation it makes me sad, not because I feel that I am missing out on connecting with others, but because it simply reminds me of all the people who are already long gone.  And it pains me deeply.  A pain for which living is simply a means of coping.

So when you see me, blogging, as I have been for the last 15.88 years, know that it is not simply because I am "good" at staying constant.  It is because I have no other choice.  If I could move on, like all of you moved on, from xanga, to livejournal, to myspace, to facebook, and from cds, to ipods, to pandora, to youtube, to spotify, and from icq, to aim, to gchat, to messenger, to slack, to discord, I would have.  But despite all of the pain that it brings me, to stay here while almost every single person I cared about moved on, I know that to leave is to give up on life itself.

And there are those who stay.  Those who understand that connection is not a fickle thing, and who understand the importance of memory.  Those who understand what I mean when I say that to choose closure would be more painful.  Those who share my tears when I weep for the change that sweeps us all away from what we once were.  And having found these people, I know that I am not truly alone in this world.  It was even my blog itself, 8 years ago, that brought one of these people into my life, as I talked about how so many people didn't keep promises, and about how it was so frustrating, that people treated connections with such indifference, not holding themselves to a standard.  It took me a long time to find the people that truly believed in the same things, but I did.

I was initially going to write about some more mundane things too, but I feel like this post is well enough without that.