Wishlist, for those inclined.  I'll try to keep it simple, I know when I've done this in the past I have thought way too much into it.

- Bath & Body Works "Moonlight Path" shower gel

- A meat thermometer
- Sea salt
- Fancy pens (fountain pen, glass pen, ink, etc.)

- Fate Reforged booster packs (I am ordering a box of DTK but am running low on Fate Reforged I think)

- Letters

- $$$ to fund below purchases.

That's it.  For reference, the full list is always at my "profile" which is now exclusively hosted on dropbox: https://www.dropbox.com/s/gqpf0zag6cx96an/Profile.txt?dl=0

Things I vow to buy for myself this year since I have been putting them off for too long:

- Monitor speakers.  I have been procrastinating on getting these for so long, not even funny.  Apparently last I checked I was going to go for http://www.amazon.com/Yamaha-HS7-100-Watt-Series-Monitor/dp/B00CFOXHGS which would run me a good $600, ouch.

- http://blackoctopus-sound.com/product/leviathan/.  I could use some more samples.

Went to Boston Tea Party swing dance convention this past weekend!  It was loads of fun, even though I didn't arrive until late Friday night and didn't actually do any dancing until Saturday.  My WCS improved!  I got some more practicing in, took some useful classes (hopefully I can remember some of what I learned?), and most importantly, got to took Samantha Buckwalter and Kelly Casanova's class on lead-switching that I missed @ Boogie By the Bay.  WOW, what an amazing class, easily the most excited I have ever been about a dance workshop ever.  The way that Sam & Kelly have practiced lead-switching/hijacking is very mechanically sound and just *works* so very well, I was amazed at how effective it is and how well it functions.  Super amazing and also well-taught. :)

I know "Stanford Waltz" is somewhat of a niche style but if I end up having to move cities and live somewhere else in the US I hope that it can at least be somewhere with some good WCS...

Today marks the start of the "Carnival of DEATH", an annual Tetris: The Grand Master (TGM) event that is a weeklong celebration of the "Death" game mode.  I'm still out traveling so I haven't been able to put any serious effort into death mode but I did some runs and got an M rank, something like level 537 or something using Nullpomino, so that's a start.

Memories, of sitting in the back of the car, on the way back from San Francisco, staring out the window at the stars and constellations.  Back then, there were no smartphones, no trusty Game Boy Advance SP (long live the SP, what an absolutely amazing handheld)...car rides were oh so boring, except for times when I played word games with my brother and we quizzed each other on video game music.  We went through all of the Mega Man games, trying to list each of the Robot Masters and remember their stage themes.  But yes, lots of time just staring out the window.  When I was younger it certainly felt like I had much more physical energy...it wasn't like I could just let exhaustion take over and fall asleep, because well, I didn't =want= to sleep.  Just didn't want to be stuck in the boring car ride most of the time.  So much time spent bored in the back of that car.  Even when I was in late elementary school, my mother didn't want me to stay at home alone, so she forced me to go along with her, driving my brother to his volunteer work, going grocery shopping, going clothes shopping.  All I wanted was to be at home where I could dive into my video games, use the computer, do my homework, do =something=.  But instead I found myself getting a headache in the back seat of that car...

Things are much better now, though.  I'm in the front seat, driving, listening to my music.  Thinking...wondering...

I haven't felt like this in a long, long time........

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Giving sincere compliments...is important, I think.  People are all in need of love, acceptance...we spend so much time worrying about how we act, how we look, whether we are good enough, whether we are doing the right thing, whether we will be accepted.  I think we can help each other remember the goodness within ourselves, if we are just honest about the ways in which we admire each other.

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It's a bit scary to think that maybe the reason why I don't feel as bad as I did before, is because I don't try as hard.  Is giving up really the answer, do you think?  That's...that's so sad, if it is.

Because my parents are crazy and have ridiculous stubborn mindsets sometimes (whose aren't?), I sometimes have trouble differentiating between what is actually unreasonable versus what just =seems= unreasonable simply because they are talking about it.  It's a gut reaction that whatever they say must be unreasonable.  It's stupid.  Life is difficult sometimes.

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Is it strange that I am still so personal on this blog?  I guess now that I have so many more followers, so much more web presence, it's even stranger than before.  But I still think it's important to me...

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Adults...are just as busy and unavailable as kids.  It feels like something I must fight against, if I can.

People are all so amazing and wonderful...I have so much to learn, just about being a better person.  Feels like I'm a little kid...

Jammix and FNW happened last night, seemed like they were both gender-unbalanced--too many leads at jammix, not enough at FNW, haha.  Should have just gone to FNW...it was nice to see new faces at Jammix though, only problem was I couldn't really dance with many of them because all the follows just get swooped up real fast haha.  I have been getting a bit better at lindy styling when I'm following I think!  It really helps to watch people like Heidi and JJ when they dance and see their movement ideas.  For any dance really, it's the same with WCS...watching good follows and really paying attention to how they move their bodies.  There are so many details with how you use your legs, =hip movement= is a big one, how you use your arms...I've actually learned so much about following from doing WCS and watching WCS follows.

It's fun following different leads, though!  Did some of that at Jammix, even danced with Cameron which hasn't happened for a while.  Man, following is so much more exciting sometimes, you never get locked into your own style, haha.

It was tootally the right decision hopping over to FNW afterwards (Jammix ended at 11PM), so many cool people there, ahh!!!  I got to see Yiju again <3, JJ was there, Audreyyyyy, why is everyone so cool!?  Watching Audrey dance is so inspiring!  And I was totally fangirling over JJ, ahhhh~

I had an amazing cross-step with Anna, don't think I've been so into a dance for quite some time...was a great song choice by Daniel, woo!  Speaking of Daniel...=damn=...that waltz we had was epic, that's the first time I've had a real amazing role-reversal dance since back in the days of yore...some of the stuff you did was super awesome.

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1033400636/nephils-fall?ref=card

They are finally doing it!  A game where you get weaker as you go on, instead of stronger...thereby intensifying the challenge as the game goes on...

This was an idea I heard about way back many years ago, when people were complaining that in JRPGs, the ending always feels flimsy because by the time you get to that point your character is this uber-powerful demigod and the final boss confrontation doesn't really feel like the climax of the conflict because you have all the tools available to you, everything.  (not really entirely true, but you get the idea)

It's also so interesting how big of a change it is to see that they are making the game progress from right to left...being so ingrained in games it just feels really unsettling and weird to start at the right side of the screen and walk left.  Super weird!!!

http://softchambers.com/post/109130124282/function

What is your most prized possession?

Mine is a clear box containing 227 handwritten letters.

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Went to One Pot tonight!  Woohoo~  Finally made up for not being able to enjoy that Shabu Shabu meal in Japan (tragically interrupted by food allergies)...it was delicious!  And I love the flower lamp at the entrance, so pretty!~

I went on an 8-match win streak today at work with Makoto, woooooohooo!  I am finally seeing openings and reading how people react, doing good mixups.  I think one thing I should try a bit more is doing a karakusa after a (hit) non-ex hayate.  I don't really ever do it, my default followup is st short into ex oroshi chop but I have found that people are wising up to that so I should switch it up a bit.  It's still pretty impossible to do st fp into super with the sticks on that machine...half the time even normal supers don't come out.  Stupid american sticks...

http://ncase.me/polygons/

http://gamasutra.com/view/news/237808/Online_community_and_culture_wars_What_do_we_know.php

We now live in an age where the internet filters results for you based on assumptions about what you're like drawn from geographic location or other patterns. This creates a phenomenon called a "filter bubble," says Koster, where increasingly one's perception of the world is led by online targeting. Your average online user will increasingly see only those news sources and even political candidates that agree with their own views -- and anyone who's ever Facebook-blocked a relative with offensive political views has become complicit in this sort of filtering. 

In this climate, says Koster, the common context shared by disparate groups begins to erode, and homogenous groups crystallize. "As noble as we wish we are, we're not -- given the choice, people hang out with people like them," says Koster. 

"Given a limited population, over time, not only will we [form] groups that are like us, but the larger group will exterminate the other one," he says. "In simulations, that's what happens: They literally commit genocide, they literally chase everyone else out of the room. It's a distasteful fact about human nature, and if our definition about who we are is rigid, then you're going to have that conflict."

You taught me...that some days, you don't always have to try your best.  Sometimes, it's not your fault.  Even if you could have done better, it's not always worth it.  It's okay.  And when you do decide to turn around, the sun and flowers will be there to laugh together with you.

Been waking up with a dry throat, so I've been leaving my hello kitty humidifier on...

I finished season 3 of Shakugan no Shana--it was alright but the ending (and basically, the major plotline point) fell super flat on me.  Meh.  I mean, I think there is a lot of premise there with Yuji disappearing, and then the conflict between him and Shana, you know, star-crossed lovers fighting each other, etc etc. but the way it gets resolved is....???  not really anything.

Anyhow, I realize there is a 2nd season of Railgun so I should watch that...(still have to watch nanoha A's movie!)...tonight I went ahead and watched the OVA so I could get reacquainted with the characters a bit.  It's about Misaka getting freaked out about a stressful and scary feeling of "being watched", and while I was watching it I realized that I actually felt a great deal of sympathy of her and the episode was meaningful to me...just from having experienced a feeling of dread and fear like that before.  It sucks...really really sucks to just feel scared without knowing why.  One of the worst feelings.

I'll be stopping by Stanford tomorrow!  Going to stop by the WCS class, woo~

I'm sleeping together with Shia tonight.

(test post to make sure twitterfeed is still working)

aaaand we're back.

We are all so stupid.

I suck, I lost.  I'm dishonest, stubborn, immature, lazy, and naughty.  I'm a terrible artist, terrible person, terrible friend too.  Head hurts.  Tired.  Not up to my own standards.  Even I would disapprove.  Terrible dancer too.  Not really good at anything, only at feeling pathetic.  It's not "emo" or anything like that.  Not depression either.  It's just pathetic.

Cognitive dissonance.  Guilt.  Stubbornness.  Want to disconnect.  Disconnect and hide, so that no one will see me.  Because I'm not good enough for the world.  Don't want my vulnerabilities, insecurities, inadequacies, fallacies, faults to show.  I'll just hide in my own little corner.  Hide, tell you that "I'm OK", try to cry and then fail.

I'm not good, I never will be.  The pen in my hand, I scribble, scribble on the pristine white piece of paper.  Marking it, digging deep, violating its purity, rendering it, rending it a waste, because I don't care, I don't care anymore.  I'm OK.

Turn off, switch off, quit, unplug, I want to give up.  Can I give up for a week?  Must I keep trying?  What if I don't want to grow up, don't want to be mature, don't WANT to do the right thing.  I don't want to do ANYTHING.