Thank you....thank you.  That's really all I can say, I feel like.

Sometimes I wish I could set you free, and myself too.  But that's just not who I am, ...okay?

Sometimes I wish that I could conceal, don't feel, don't let it show, go back to the way it used to be, but...I guess, that's not exactly who I am either.  It's okay, right?  Maybe sometimes I can try to go back to how it used to be.  Will you do the same?  I don't know if it's possible, but it seemed so nice back then.  Maybe we can at least try?  It's okay if it doesn't work...

I think it's telling that I haven't written about Viennese Ball in here.  It's not really just a matter of being busy and not having time to do it, though.  I think it's that I have real people to share it with now.  I'm...less alone, have less thoughts that I feel need to be expressed, to be thrown into the void.  And it's nice...it's nice to actually talk to someone, to share a story with them, to be with them.  It's nice to have that.

I guess the busyness is certainly part of the equation too, though.  Am I slowly becoming "one of those people"?  I've got to fight against that.

What a week.........holy crap....

Let It Go?  Let It Go?  I'll never let go.  I think that's the thing, you see?  Yes, I do sometimes feel too much weight bearing down on me, and yes, it's so cathartic to just be able to cry and be comforted and have someone tell me that I can just not worry about any of it, at least not right now.  That I can rest, because I've been trying so hard.  That I'm valued, loved, that I've been doing a good job.  I wonder if my mother ever needs to be told that?

But to let go of the past?  No, no, that's not something that I'll do.  I was in doubt about it before, but I am no longer.  I won't let go.  Not truly, anyways.

This weekend was prerelease weekend!  Went to Game Kastle on Saturday with my brother for the Born of the Gods prerelease.  I ended up going 1-3...bleh.  I chose black for my seeded pack and promo, and ended up getting the 3/3 flyer for 3 (bestow for 5) as a black rare, which was great.  I got a bunch of awesome-looking blue stuff - griptide, thassa, two refraction helixes, a sea god's revenge, chorus of the tides, voyage's end...I built it out, but after staring at it and grimacing, I realized that it wasn't going to work out, since I just didn't have enough creatures.  So I had to say goodbye to all the blue goodies, and swap the blue out for red.  It was definitely the right choice to make--I just didn't have enough bodies to make the blue/black deck work.  I ended up with a bit of minotaur tribal--no kragma warcallers, unfortunately, but I had two of the inspired minotaurs, a deathbellow raider, and a rageblood shaman.  I ended up going a pretty aggro route, taking some enchantments that I wouldn't have played otherwise because of the risk (like the +2/+2 2R: can't block aura).  I had a bunch of small removal--searing blood, pharika's cure, a few weight of the underworlds, and a fated conflagration as well.  The mana base was rough though, with all of the double casting costs.  I tried splashing for sea god's revenge in some matches, but decided to not play it most of the time for better mana consistency.  Maybe it would have actually been right to run 18 lands instead of the black promo, which is stupid, but I think I only ever got the promo out once, and even then it just got asphyxiated.  7 mana seems like a lot to get to in this format, unfortunately.  The pharagax giant (3/3 with tribute 3 or 5 damage) seemed better than I thought it would be--the 5 damage is actually pretty significant when you're running an aggro deck and they're down at 11 or so.  Yes, having the option to just take 5 makes the card a lot worse, but it does still do a good job when they're trying to stabilize, putting them down far enough for you to swing in for the win if you have a good trick or something.  The +2/+0 first strike instant for 1R also overperformed for me.  Weight of the Underworld was...okay.  It's nice that it makes their big guys smaller at least, but sort of sucks in that it's only 2 toughness worth of removal at 4 mana.  Because it's an aura, you might think that it's not vulnerable to being responded to with pump spells, but the problem here is that all of the dangerous threats have heroic triggers that give +1/+1 counters, so they can still counter it with a pump spell anyways.  Or, you know, just cast feral invocation.  Blah.

I think my deck was decent...not great, but not terrible either.  I think it had some potential for really good things to happen, like t2 deathbellow raider into t3 ordeal, or t2 deathbellow raider into t3 rageblood shaman, and the inspired minotaurs were also great in most cases.  It never really got there though; I think I just had bad draws and the mana base was rocky because of all the double casting costs.  I had to mull pretty often, auto-mulls too, like hands with no creatures or no lands.  Well, it happens, I guess.

Decided to not go on Sunday and just rest instead, which was an excellent choice.  Had deca rehearsal in the morning, which went well, cleaned up a bunch of things.  Wanted to grab lunch at Shalala but I passed by and saw that it was pretty crowded so I decided to try my luck at Dohatsuten instead, which I've never been to before.  I remember hearing about it from a friend, so I decided to give it a try.  Their signature ramen had a bunch of veggies in it, which was interesting, and their noodles and broth were definitely different than most other ramen places that I've been to.  I ended up not really being a fan, so I don't know if I'd go again, but I can see how other people might like it.

After lunch I decided to just...sleep a lot.  Which was also quite awesome.  It's been a while since I've really gotten to catch up on rest like that.  I ended up being woken up by my mom intruding on me for no good reason--had half a mind to throw her out of the apartment, but no no, it wasn't that bad.  sigh.  sigh.

I didn't end up getting as much apartment cleanup done as I had wanted to because N ended up coming over to hang out for a bit and we played a few games of Space Alert.  In our last mission we ended up having all 4 guys looking at the window at the end, with N using his advanced data specialist action for mega points (we also gave him the expert know-how achievement for that), so that was pretty awesome.

I did set up all of my plushies, at least, and most of the bookshelf decorations (okay, not all).  I also discovered that the poster frame that P gave me was actually -not- the right size for my poster, oops.  Will have to pick up another one at some point, then.  I ended up staying up until roughly 3 or so, first getting some work done so that we could be more ready for tomorrow (we have a new hire!), and then working on a project that I need to get done this week.

I'm getting a bit scared these days.  I haven't been having great dreams either.  I keep on waking up before my alarm, which has so far felt like a good thing, but also sort of confusing.  I'm not sure what to make of it at all.  I've also been having bad dreams...I don't know if I would call them nightmares, but they're not pleasant.  The other night I had a creepy dream about Rika from Higurashi, then last night I woke up after I dreamed that there was a bunch of really big ants (not GIANT, but really big, like each one the size of a fingernail), and then one of them dropped off the table and jumped onto N's face, since N happened to be lying down.  I think my last words were "oh shit" before I woke up.

I think something is amiss...I need to get myself together again.