I'm both happy and sad, but I know exactly why I am happy and I know exactly why I am sad.

why am i awake

Stood out on the field after watching the band kids.  Not my field anymore, not even close.  But it used to be there.  Went out and told the DM that she did a good job.  She probably had no idea who I was, but it doesn't matter ^^;  K actually recognized me this time, hah!

I was standing out there and I couldn't help but feel jealous of those kids.  Getting to march a show like that is simply wonderful, amazing.  Seemed even cooler than any of the ones I did, but I'm sure I'm not really thinking about it objectively.  Sure is cooler than standing up there on the podium and being DM, that's for sure.  Damn, why the hell did I give away my final year of marching?  Haha, no, I don't regret it; all the stuff that I could do as DM made up for it, but still, nothing really beats actually being out there.

Anyways, I was feeling jealous of them, but it just hit me today that being in Deca is almost like being in colorguard--hey, it's the one section I never got to be in through my years in band! (winds?  check.  pit?  check.  drumline?  check.  DM?  check.)  And it's like having 100% good kids!  Well, they're not even kids at all, which is probably why it's so much better, huh?  And hey, we even have great section leaders!

Back to the band room...once more.  They're having their final home show in about an hour.  I'd rather see them for senior 8s and such, but I might be doing OHC at that time.

How will it feel?

Don't ask until you're ready to hear both responses.

Big tech companies, why u make internet suck so much?

Hold me...just hold me forever...

I think that in at least some way, I was still right.  But I guess I've changed...I think this is the first time that I caught myself realizing that I was also really wrong in a lot of ways.

It's really weird to look back upon something that I felt so strongly and not feel that anymore.  I guess time really does a lot to you.  Time, and people too.

Can I just blame PMS?  I know it's not, but can I?  Why do I feel the need to, anyways?  I should be more honest with myself.  I don't like people who aren't honest with themselves, after all.  Isn't it a strength to be able to just say who you are and believe in it?  That's really funny.  It's really ironic, actually.  Because it wasn't until I started doubting doubting myself, that I started seeing other people just being themselves as being so admirable.  Does that even make any sense?  I don't know.  Why was I wanting to cry again?  Not out of sadness, surely.

My blog was pretty irresponsible, wasn't it?  Did you know that I used to identify as a misanthrope and a misandrist?  I was, too, I think.

Can you face yourself?

Trying to be perfect has always been one of my biggest imperfections :)

It's quite obvious, when I think back on it, why I felt so off-put about the ending of Pita-Ten when I first read it.  The ending is about moving on, about letting go, about new hope, and embracing the brightness that still remains in life even after the shadows.  But I couldn't accept that yet, because I myself wasn't ready to move on.  I still wanted to cling to the past, and I wanted to remain in that state...I didn't yet have the courage to look forward.

There's a particular feeling that I get, when I'm experiencing something that I know is important to someone else.  Do you know what I'm talking about at all?  Like, if I was just reacting to that by itself, I wouldn't think nearly as much of it, or the same way, but somehow, knowing that it's important to someone, especially someone close, makes it seem really different.  What is that feeling, exactly?  Is it a feeling of, "I wish I could understand this, too?"  Or is it "Why can't I understand this the way that they do?"  Haha, it's probably the latter, because I know I've been stressing too much about these things, subconsciously.  It's so weird though.  I'm actually almost "afraid" (not the right word) to watch Miyazaki films because every time I think about it I get this sense of "what am I supposed to think about this?"  Like...I won't be able to find my own thoughts about it anymore because I'll be too busy thinking about what other people might have thought about it.  Does that make sense?

I'm not sure what to write, and not sure how I will feel when I'm finally back...but I don't really care ^^

"If the world is round, then you only need to look at it the right way in order to be on top of the world!"

I said that once.  What happened?  What the hell happened?

I've had this feeling recently, that I don't have a direction.  It's weird, because I know things that I want to do, I know things that I want to accomplish, and I know things that I like and dislike.  But somehow, it seems like I'm just sort of going through the motions sometimes.  Have you ever felt that way?  I'm not sure what it is, really.  What do I really want?  Where am I going?

It's raining today.  The atmosphere is really different here.  It's quite beautiful outside, but somehow it feels different.  Somehow it's not a kind of beautiful that would make me go outside and skip around and breathe in the fresh air.  Maybe because it's foreign and unfamiliar, and there are so many associated thoughts swimming around it.

Why did I start drawing, I wonder?  It's fun, I guess, but really, what is my reason for drawing?  I told my idol once that my reason is because I saw other artworks that evoked strong feelings in me, and that inspired me.  Is that really the reason?  I wonder, sometimes, if I'm just trying to follow along.  I don't think that's it, but sometimes when I sit down to draw, I can't really figure out why I'm doing it.  I don't know what I want to draw, maybe.

The tempo of life is...I'm not sure where it is, actually.  I've lost a sense of time, of rhythm, of flow.  I don't think it's like life is moving too quickly, or that I've "lost my rhythm".  More like I can't seem to sync up; that I can't even sense the natural progression.  Things change, but am I feeling it?  It feels rather surreal.

That feeling of dread went away, I think, for now.  That's really a relief...I really don't want that feeling.  The thing that worries me about that feeling, too, is that it's so new and foreign and strange.  It didn't used to happen, so when I feel that way, it just makes me think like something is wrong; that I went down the wrong path somewhere.  What path am I on?

I wonder if I just need to try and find a way to smile and be happy.  Is that all that it is?  Maybe everything will seem so simple if I can do that.

Christmas Letters 2013...Mission start.

I'm sorry.  Can I say that I'm sorry?

Turns out that not only do I have to add <p> tags to the template, but if my posts are too short, FB doesn't infer them as the description for open graph.  Not only that, but I can't set og:description myself because I don't know how to get at the post content from the html header.  Soooo as a hack, I'm just inserting lines at the bottom of my posts.  Yay. -_-

I fixed the tags on my blog, so FB should parse the posts correctly when reading from the twitterfeed links now...

This feeling is coming again...I can feel it.  No...go away.  Please...just go away.  Save me...will you save me?  You will, won't you?  I don't want to ask it of you, but please...save me from this feeling, will you?  It'll all be okay, right?  Right?