What is..."family"?

Sometime near the beginning of this week, I had a dream...it was set in high school again, and band again.  I don't think I was actually back in high school, just happened to be there, doing something, I don't know what business it was that I was among them.  But I saw a girl I knew...one of the good kids.  One of the quintessential "good kids", even.  And I called out her name, and we had a hug.  It had been so long since I had seen her; so long.

After I had that dream, I wanted to write that girl a letter.  I really did...I thought I was going to, actually, though of course I only have her address from two years ago.  Apparently the last time I wrote to her was in June of 2011.

What was I going to write to her?  Not that much...just that I had that dream, and that I thought that it meant I should write to her, and let her know that I thought she was a cool person.

Lately I've been having doubts.  Two years is a lot, isn't it?  And it's been even longer than that, since I actually saw her.  Do I really even know this person?  What would be the effect of my letter?  I talked to my idol about this, and really, I'm writing to the memory of that girl, not her herself.  Is that right?  Is that actually fair to the real, living her, of the present, that I'm using her as a substitute for who she was in the past?  Isn't that a bit fake, that I'm playing pretend, so that I can feel as if I can connect with something that in reality, isn't there anymore?

At the same time, I do feel that it's nice...to receive something from an old friend, isn't it?  People appreciate what I do, right?  Is that a good enough reason to keep doing it?  I don't know, actually, to be honest.  But I like my friendships to be commitments.  I guess it's a foolish way of thinking, but I guess part of me just wants to lead by example.  It's too sad to have friendships end like this, isn't it?

I once had a friend, who I ended up not liking very much, and they kept intruding onto my life after I realized it.  That really made me think about things...this person is trying to be in my life, but...I don't want them there.  What if I'm like that too?  That I'm being stubborn and trying to hold on to my connections with people, but...what if I'm just causing them trouble, in the end?  That really shook me, when I first thought about it.

It makes me cry, sometimes, when I realize how powerless I am against this.  Sometimes I'm really afraid...does it make a difference, the things that I'm doing?  And is it even right?  It makes me cry, because this is something that's so important to me.  All I'm doing is delaying the inevitable.  It was much easier before, when I could just believe that I really =could= change things, that I really had that power.  But I don't think I do.  I'm human too, after all, and vulnerable to change.

It's already time to start writing Christmas letters, but it just makes me really sad.  Thinking about it is really scary to face up to the truth.  Living in a fantasy world, with imaginary friends.  Is it really better for me to do that?  Aren't there other people who are running around and spending time together with real people?  That makes me a bit jealous, I think.  Thinking about all of it, makes me realize that I don't have friends like that anymore.  It got harder, huh?  It's really my own fault though; no one else to blame, I don't think.  Well, no, not all my own fault.  But I can certainly try harder, can't I...?

Maybe I would have more friends

if I didn't focus so much on the ones that don't exist anymore

Friday Night Waltz has made me complacent.  Being friends with my idol has made me complacent too.  Seeing people at dance every week...it's fun...but is that really how I want to spend time with my friends?

Still, always, need to try harder, need to try my best.  I need to...right?

It's about time to start on my letters for this year, but...I don't know.

What does it mean, to be "friends"?

Okay, this is something to learn from.  I want my Sanrio collectino to be organized so neatly like this!

Also omg so cute: http://sanrioaddict.junolyn.com/2010/03/little-twin-stars-rocks-on.html

Let's see some other examples.

Also side note, OMG

also ahhh

Anyways.

I'm thinking about moving out of my current place...if/whenever that does happen, wherever my new place is, I'll really think about how I want to organize everything.  Right now is "okay", but looking at this, it really could be neater.

I think the thing is that I have so much stuff that's just posters and such, and it actually makes it seem a little less organized since the walls are all so cluttered.  I know that that's just a natural characteristic of my room walls, but I don't know if it -has- to be like that.  I don't care much for a some of the posters I have anyways, like the random old Naruto ones.  Maybe I can just pick a few of the good ones, like the Brave ones that I have.  And I can probably just take all the pencil boards off of the walls.  And I need more shelf space for my plushies!  Also all the face towels and hand towels that are on the walls...those really don't need to be there; I can find a better way to organize them, I'm sure.

Oh, TGM stick, I missed you...how I missed you...it feels nice to be playing again.

I don't remember when it was; I was out somewhere, with my friend.  I heard an parent telling their child, "Good job!"

I felt like I needed to cry.

I wish I could be Me

I wish I could be Me again,

the Me of way back when

I'd open the box of video games

wondering, "Which should I play?"

I wish I could go back

into that golden age

I wish I could be that Me

who knew how to have fun.

I wish I could be Me again,

the Me of so long ago

The one who had all those friends,

now, gone.

Oh, how I wish I could still see them,

and tell them, Hello

If I could go back,

I'd never let them go.

I wish, oh I wish, I could be Myself again,

out on the marching field

Taking care of my section, those good kids

I had something I believed in...something I fought for,

and everyone knew it, too.

I still remember that fateful night,

"Seniors, never forget."  That's right.

I wish, I could have another chance, another year

I'd do it all again, if only I could.

I wish, I could be Me again,

so peaceful, so quiet

My studio, a sanctuary

my life, bliss.

I wish I could live there again,

and sit on my bed

I knew who I was,

and, who I wasn't.

I wish, oh I wish, I could be Me again,

believing in myself without any doubt

I was sad, often, but I didn't mind

Everything was alright, everything was fine.

When did I lose it?  Where did it go?

How can I be Myself again?

...I don't know...

Haters gonna hate.  Hater-haters gonna hate haters =(

How can I expect to be nice to others when I can't even be nice to my own family?

Sometimes it really takes strength to do the right thing, even if it's simple or easy.  But it's important to try your best anyways.  My idol taught me that.

I wish it would rain....I wish it would rain and rain and rain...cloudy skies, indoors, cozy, in my room at munger, that atmosphere.

Missing you...

I had a dream where I was watching the band kids perform somewhere.  Apparently their field show was...a parody of a band rehearsal.  That was interesting, and sort of funny, though I'm sure it would have been really controversial, and probably not fitting the guidelines, and would rank really low, etc etc.  They did the whole drumline (movie) thing at some point, and I remember at the end of that sequence some guy unrolled a huge pack of sticks and just scattered them all over.  haha.

Life is scary...so, so, so scary.  I never realized it before, but I realize it now.  I'm not sure whether I should be trying to push all of the fear out of my mind and distract myself from it, or whether I should be convincing myself that it's not actually that scary, or just accepting it and focusing on all of the wonderful things instead.  But I'm so scared, so scared, I'm still really, really, really scared.

I am an artist, because I have a need to create things.  Music, games, levels, Magic sets, blog posts, glowsticking videos, dance variations, =whatever=.

But I'm an engineer because I start from my restrictions, not from my goals, when I create.  I don't think about what I want to create first--I start from what I -can- create.

...okay, that's what I -wanted- to say, but I don't know if the "engineer" part is true.  I think it probably has more to do with being an ISFJ-type and valuing pragmatism and things that are concrete and practical, as well as having a really strong tendency towards sticking with the things that I already know.

As I'm designing my MtG set, I'm definitely seeing restriction as something that's super-useful when trying to be creative.  Limiting your options means limiting the design space that you're working in, and that makes things easier.  That's why the color pie is your best friend when designing a set.  Red has to have direct damage spells.  Green can't have fliers.  Black gets instant-speed removal.  If you already know all this, now all you have to do is figure out what you want your red direct damage to actually look like (can it fulfill one of the themes of your set?).

Summer of 2013

You know, I used to do "quarter in review" posts, for the passing of each academic quarter and season.  I'd link you to the last one I did, which I think recapped my entire Stanford experience as well, but...well, Xanga is doing its whole Xanga 2.0 thing, so...that doesn't really exist anymore.

The thing is, I don't think I could really recap this summer (or even this year), even if I wanted to.  How can I?  So much happened, and I was overwhelmed at so many points.  Maybe I still am.  And I can't even talk about most of it, can I?

It's been tough.  Really tough, actually.  Life after college has been such a stark contrast to my 5th year, the glory year when everything was in its place.  But then again, I guess I may have said the same thing 5 years ago, when I was transitioning from high school to Stanford--I was lamenting the loss of my friends, lamenting the loss of fun classtime, ...it took a few years, didn't it?

I want to say things are both better and worse than they were during those first couple years at Stanford.  They're worse in that I've been through worse times lately.  Granted, I went through some pretty stupidly bad times during, say, my sophomore year, but I don't think it was bad in -this- way.  It's not even a magnitude thing...I just don't like the "means" in which I've suffered through the past year.  It's a different kind of sensation.  At the same time, it's mixed in with really awesome times and lots of positive things, which there were not as much of 5 or 6 years ago.  So...

I've been working on my custom MtG set.  A lot.  I playtested a bunch of the cards on Friday, with a friend, and did some massive redesign work since that time.  It's actually super-exciting to see the cards that I designed actually functioning.

Fall is here, it seems.  The summer weather is fading, fading away.  I don't know whether to be sad, or to feel refreshed...no, that's not true.  It's definitely refreshing.  I really like cloudy weather, don't you know?

My self-confidence seems to be...rather shot these days.  I think...I think, I need to be working on it.  At the same time, I'm more outgoing...I'm having conversations with people that never would have happened before...they really never would have.  It's really scary and intimidating, but I guess I proved to myself that I can do it too, if I try.  Yeah...

It really bothers me, that I can't blog like I used to.  It =really= bothers me...it just tells me that something is not right; it's not right.  What happened to all the thoughts and focus that I used to have?  It's really bothering, that I can't just stream out my thoughts like I used to.  I think this is a self-confidence thing too.  Maybe I just keep on stopping myself.  But I don't need to, do it?  It feels nice...it feels nice to be able to type-think, to let my fingers do the thinking and not my mind.  To just type =whatever= comes into my mind.

I talk like that sometimes too, when I'm in the right situation.  Just saying whatever.  It's nice...it's really nice.  Everyone likes talking about themselves and venting their problems, don't they?  I think there was a lot of negativity in my previous writing, but...I think it's okay, as long as it's not too much.  It's just...I need to be able to release my thoughts.  I want to feel -peaceful- with everything.  That's really what's important.  There's too much tension, way way way too much pressure.  It really needs to go away, this pressure.  I just need peace.