Also, I went to Golfland for minigolf for the first time in a long long while the other day...I did totally awesome!  The east (?) side, the hard one with the dragon, I did pretty good, but had a few holes where I got 4, 5, 6, which was ugh.  Hole 18 with the big square hill seemed less tall than I remember for some reason, but I think I'm just imagining things.  On the west/easy side, I got 3 or less for every single hole, which is awesome...I'll have to dig up my score cards and see if that's a new record ;P

Did I mention how awesome Journey is?  I was really close to crying...

Life!!!!!

I'm out of the swamp, out of the dumps, doing some living...

I think I can finally relax a bit now.  Been working really hard on stuff...and it all turned out really well!  Stuff at work is unfortunately dragging on a little longer than expected (hah), but it's okay in general.

I've been building an MtG cube at work, which is really fun.  The card list is here, if you're into that.  It's a Return to Ravnica block cube, pretty fun stuff...I've already made sweeping reforms to it twice, so it's an interesting design process.  I wonder if I could get into game design someday...ha ha ha.

I played Journey!  omg...it was SO GOOD.  Better than I was expecting, even.  I mean, I knew it was going to be good, and all, but didn't know it was going to be -that- good.  I knew all about the thing with interacting with other people, and that it was emotional and such, but man...so powerful.  Really well done, really well done.  Like watching a movie, except five times more awesome.  So worth it...

This blog has been so shoddy and sad.  I wonder what its future holds in store?  I really don't know.  But this might be a turning point...?

I was going to write about a lot of things, but then I think I'm deciding to just go to sleep instead.

I really...don't know what I want to say.  I think I know what I'm thinking, but I'm not sure what I want to say here anymore.  Sorry about that. ^^;  Sorry about everything.  Really.  I'll try better from now on, okay?

"...but if there's a time when everything can go back to the way it was, that'll be great.
I hope things don't change anymore.
Because the most important is the memories.
I don't want a future.
So even though I'm here right now, there's no meaning to it.
If everything goes back to the way it was,
then maybe I'll disappear.
There's no meaning to my current existence.  As I could disappear at any time."
--Ritsuka, Loveless 2

Be happy when you can, be sad when you need to...

When the going gets tough...it's a chance to try harder!  :)  I still believe in it.  That when you feel like you haven't been in contact with friends, it's a chance to go and contact them.  When you feel like you haven't been getting anything done, it's a chance to go and do something!  When you feel like you're bad at something, it's a chance to practice.  To be the best you can be.

Years and years ago, I did this, when the last night rehearsal of my junior year of marching band didn't go well.  That was the time when I walked to school, early in the morning, and did marching basics out there on the field.  I even tried to march the show by myself, heh.  Just me and the field, up until sunrise.  What a great experience...

This past week has been something else.  Sheesh.  I won't even try to recap.  Why even bother?  Like...holy crap.  Is it over yet?  Maybe?  Who knows?  It shouldn't matter, to worry about it.  Just do what I can for now, right?  That's the spirit...just doing whatever I can.  Step by step, little baby steps...

Everything should just stop, okay?

Somehow I've been moving along just fine, but now, everything just seems so jarring, everything is swirling around.  Is this the same as before, or different, I wonder?  I wonder...should I just try to be happy?  Or should I not?  "Whatever I want,"...what is it that I want?  Do I want to be cheerful and happy?  Or not...?  Am I stressed?  I don't know anymore.  This blog...is really terrible, isn't it?  I'm still so hard on myself.  When will I ever give myself a break?  Maybe I should just take a break from myself.  What does that even mean?  Does that make any sense at all?  Why would I do something like that??  Isn't who I am important?  So why...why......is it so painful too?  Ugh...

It's really weird that I would be the one that needs to slow down, to be brought some peace and quiet, to just take things easy, just relax...really weird, just because hey--didn't I used to be good at all of that?

It's been a weird couple of days...life just has a really weird feeling right now.  I find myself loving all of the things that help me reaffirm who I am...writing letters, making music, spending quiet time with others...everything that is familiar and comfortable, I just take comfort in having something that I know, something that is "right".

I guess I'm just a little bit off balance...

There's this really weird feeling of unease that I've been getting...I don't know what it is.  It's not my self-identity issue; that's not it.  It's different...it's really kind of scary.  I don't know what it is, but it scares me, makes me feel on edge.  I don't know where it comes from, just that it happened when I was sleeping on friday night, and it's happening today too.  I don't know what it is at all, just that I'm somehow stressed out, I don't know what it's about.  Is it just remnants of all the turmoil that I've been going through recently?  Is that it?  Do I just need a break, a REAL break, from everything??

oh jeez...what is this...really, what is this sudden anxiety about nothing at all?  It's not even anxiety about everything, it's just...ahhhh

"I find myself growing more and more enthusiastic about trying new things, meeting new people, and allowing myself to enjoy life. There are such gems present in each day, and one can find them only if one begins to love. One must love herself, love her new place in the world, and the new people she meets. Only then can she find happiness..."
--Juliann Ma

I thought to post this...then I thought not to post it, since it was so small, and not new.  Then I decided to post it anyways.

There isn't such thing as "true happiness", because what does that mean anyways?  It doesn't matter, so I wouldn't care.  But I think, there's a different kind of happiness.  They're not mutually exclusive, are they?  No...I don't believe so.  You know, I don't think the new me and the old me are so incompatible, are they?  No...of course not, because they are both "me".

Someday I will be both of these people, and it will be even better than before.

You can always be a better person...always.  It's so easy...and even if you failed, you know that you tried.  Sometimes, that's what counts.  Just try your hardest, it's okay.  Don't worry about how anyone would judge you, or how you'll look, or anything.  Just try to be a little bit better.  It doesn't even have to be a lot...just a little bit.

I've been worried about my blog, because the lack of writing indicates to me that I'm either too afraid to write, am out of touch with my own feelings, or don't have time to write.  And don't you see, all three of those things are really bad...

I can do it, right...?  mm~  It's all going to be alright.  Everything can be alright, because when I try hard enough, it really makes a difference.  I think I've learned that by now, I think...

http://lostwithmusic.blogspot.com/2013/07/of-balance-and-ruin-by-ocremix-multi_5.html

"Going through the disk, the one song that stands out would have to be DDRKirby's cover of the Blackjack Theme; There's Nothing Like Flying. The song evokes the feeling of freedom by utilizing techno music with a trance underlay. About 1/3 of the way through the track, the beat picks up turning it more into a dance track. While normally this would be seen as a mistake, given the nature of the airship theme, it fits in well. Dance is a freedom of of artistic expression and when you first hear this track, you are given full control of the Blackjack for the first time, allowing you to finally explore the world and unearth ancient treasures."

Lost

I'm lost...I'm lost, lost, so lost.  Where the hell am I, even?

I realized that my writing tone must be indicative of my mood, just as my body language and facial expressions are a giveaway to how I'm truly feeling, despite anything I may or may not say to the contrary.  I guess that means I'm not happy.

Weight

It's interesting...I associate this particular smell with Fanime.  I think it's a smell of one of the hotels there.  Fanime, huh...?  This year's Fanime taught me a lot, but...for some reason, I'm not sure exactly what I learned anymore.

People used to tell me that it was hard to write a lot of things in their blogs, hard to post things online, because they'd be afraid of being judged.  That kind of thing.  And people also found it less "free" to write letters than to talk, because writing it down made it permanent and real.  I never used to really get that, and...I think it's because I never really cared in the past.  Who was going to judge me?  And if anyone did, did I care?  No...not really.  I was so much more sure of myself in the past; it didn't matter what anyone thought.  But perhaps that's just because it felt like no one cared about me in the first place.  And if no one cared--really cared--then what the heck did it matter what I said about anything or anybody?  Xanga was a place where I could just say anything, about my parents, about my troubles, about my loneliness, about how people suck, about band, about my love life, anything, and it would all be okay.

It's not like that anymore, I realized.  I wrote things and people...cared.  So now my words have this sort of "weight".  It's really interesting.  And it coincides with this period in my life right now where I'm more unsure of myself than ever.  I have this inkling that there are a bunch of thoughts that are just left unspoken because I'm unsure.  Funny, didn't blogging used to be a respite from that internal barrier of mine?

Ahh, don't worry though.  I don't feel it getting to that point yet.  But there are many things that I feel like I'm just not saying anymore.  Why is that a big deal?  Because change...change is something that I beware, and analyze, and fight back against.  Change is necessary, inevitable, and good too.  But I fight against all of the unwanted changes.  ...which ones are unwanted again...?  I don't even know.

See?  There's this certain tone that's persisted all throughout this blog...it's still here.

In other news, I lost weight, apparently.  Yeah...I know.  Not intentional, I swear...

No idea...

heh...I really have no idea what to write anymore ^^;

Also, apparently blogspot requires me to title my posts now?  bleh.