Wednesday, December 12, 2018

It's been a while since the last time, but we are going off the radar again.  I mean, I could just write this somewhere else.  Maybe that was the point of my diary all along, and perhaps that's why I stopped writing in it.  Maybe I'm just being silly.  But I guess it's also nice to just continue writing here.  In a way it feels almost like it was many years ago, when I complained and wrote sad words about so many things, so many things that people probably didn't care to hear.  But it didn't matter because barely anyone would hear in the first place.  And true to that, it's nice knowing now that I can write in here properly, and what does it even matter what I write if nobody will hear it?  Perhaps, being alone in this space by myself, I can actually start to be honest with my feelings.

If I'm really being honest, though, I feel like I am faced with the choice between climbing uphill to a better place or just jumping down the pit of self-loathing and let me tell you, the pit seems much easier to jump down than to go up.

Let's just take it step by step, day by day.  Let's call today day 1, and reckon that today I don't think I will make it up the hill.  But maybe I can at least just try to sit down and calm my thoughts of madly scrambling towards the edge and leaping off.

When considering whether I am worthless or not, I don't think that is really a question that I should be trying to think about.  Because thinking about it makes it too "obvious" that I am of course super messed up.  I mean, that is only natural, not only am I viewing things from a distorted lens but also viewing it at its worst point.  It's not even a fair judgment, so how could I ever expect to see differently?  It's the choosing of what to do in spite of what already exists, I think that is the only way forward.  Or at least, the only way to avoid leaping back.  There is no easy way to just accept what I said, what I wrote, what I thought, what I felt, because after all is said and done perhaps I should not accept it after all.  But I could at least say something different the day after.

I don't really know how I feel about anything.  My first instinct is that whatever I feel is "bad", so perhaps I can think about it with more of a straight head...later.  Maybe.  I guess nobody cares about what I did in the past anyways, so I better just say "sorry" to myself rather than anybody else.

I guess for today, I can just try to do things that I think are good.

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