But why?  Why couldn't I save you?  Why did you have to go? 

So I'm doing pretty well, but also pretty sad.  Both are true, almost assuredly.  I'm doing more good than bad, but I can't for a moment deny the pain of it.  It's not so much that I feel that it's my "fault", it's just sad that things didn't work out, really sad.  Of course, I could wish to go back in time and change the way that things happened.  If I could, I perhaps would.  But everything and everyone comes to and end someday.  The only thing you change by rewriting the past is the number of things that happen before that.

With the other friend that I lost, it was both easier and harder for me.  Harder, in that we were closer.  She was a real friend to me, and I to her.  But I had already said goodbye, as well.  By the time I saw her, it was already too "late" to change anything.  There wasn't much for me to even think about regretting.  Here and now, I keep on telling myself that I did everything right, but somehow, it was easier for me to think that back then.  I think it's because I played a different role in her life.

It just wasn't "supposed" to be like this.  It should have been different.  That's probably not true, but I can't help but feel that way anyways.

ALTTPR has been good, at least.  My standards for preparation and thoroughness seem to just be in a different place than of my peers.  It's an interesting situation to be in.  But I guess, it's not unpleasant to have this type of experience, too.  It's reassuring and confidence-inducing when you can just learn everything yourself and understand things thoroughly in a way that makes you feel secure, rewarded, knowledgeable.

Everyone was helpful.  I just wish it had been enough.

Anyways, it's been a weird sort of up-down mood.  In the same day I felt energized, upbeat, heartbroken, happy, sad.  Both motivated and unmotivated.  Life used to be more lonely, more sad, more stressful, but perhaps, also less tragic.  I'm a little tired of pain.  Sure, it motivates me to ignore the things that really ought to never have mattered that much in the first place, but that's not exactly a satisfying motivation.

I almost forgot that dance is supposed to be starting up tomorrow.  We'll see if I end up making it out.  I won't blame myself it I don't; I won't force myself to at all.  I'm, perhaps, done forcing myself to do things, at least for a while.  God knows I lived through enough of other people forcing me to do things.  It's not worth it.

I keep on meaning to write here but end up getting sidetracked into other things.  I've been continuing to play lots of stuff, whether it be more ALTTPR practice and prep, or the two roguelikes (Hades 2, Ravenswatch).  I'm slacking on getting started with the actual work I need to do (Rhythm Quest, pixel art), but honestly, I can't really blame myself because extenuating circumstances came up.

White Chicky is in trouble and she's currently in the "house hospital" seemingly not enjoying life too much.  It's been a long couple of days involving some lengthy drives to the vet as I tried to help her out.  The good news is that we have a treatment plan and some things that may help, it's kind of up in the air what really happens from here, but you know, having a plan of action is nice, at least.  Where we ended up is a little more optimistic than it may have seemed at some points, anyways.

It's interesting to think about how much time you "ought" to have spent on another living creature when they're wholly your responsibility.  It'd be easy to feel that I should have been more responsible and more involved in her day to day life to notice that something was up earlier, but I think it's equally valid to say that I've done pretty good considering the situation and my relationship to her.

I did try doing some drawing last night when she was temporarily set up in my room (chicky hospital bin has since been moved).  Was definitely hard to focus, I'm glad I didn't give a go at like, trying to work on Rhythm Quest or anything.  I wasn't a fan of what I was coming up with so I started over.  Hoping to just do some still life tracing or something straightforward like that.  As for RQ, I think it's right for me to just take it easy right now.  I've had a lot to deal with, it's not a bad thing to take more time for myself.

Maybe tomorrow I'll try to make more progress on drawing, but the main thing is I'll have to make sure I'm feeling prepped for my ALTTPR match.  That should be fun, at least.

The feeling that you're gonna be okay.  That you're getting it.  That you can be proud of yourself.  It's not about surpassing others, but about meeting your own standards.

I've been doing well, but somewhere along the way I guess I forgot to spend time being sad.  What feels bad is that even those certainties that usually seemed to anchor me across these sorts of times seem like they don't really matter that much anymore.  It's not that they aren't still there, it's just more like, what of it?  Yeah, I'm me, and that carries a lot of value, for myself and others, but what difference does it make?

In years past I used to feel like I had been abandoned but I don't really think I feel that way anymore.  I don't really feel like I'm a victim...I just sort of exist.  Maybe it's just a sort of spiritual malaise catching up to me.  I am tired, not mentally, physically, or even emotionally, but spiritually.  I don't know if I can remember feeling this sort of apathy toward who I am.  It's really strange.

It's weird just how easy it was to slip off the lifelong habit of blogging in here for a little bit.  Well, I guess it's fine/just as well, since I was sick and recovering and all that.

I'm finally not coughing up a storm, so that's good.  Got some medication prescribed which, we'll see if it helps or which one I have to resort to.

Somehow Xmas is almost here and, with one or two small exceptions, I mostly hit up all the deliveries and mailouts I wanted too!  I still need to finish up a few odds and ends here and there, but overall it wasn't too bad considering I was kinda out of commission for awhile.  Really pays to be thinking ahead...

The Glitched Mentor Tourney is coming up real soon for ALTTPR and I'm entering it!  It's actually going to be here before I know it, so it's a good thing that I've been practicing a ton to learn all that I need to know in preparation for the mode.  I'm probably going to be grinding seeds on like a daily basis to make sure I'm in good shape for that; it's been perfect timing for me actually as it's provided something for me to actually work towards and look forward to / get excited about, which is something my spirit definitely needed.  Unfortunately I performed pretty poorly in the non-glitched seed that I played today but, eh, that'll happen.  Just have to try and learn from my mistakes and make better decisions next time.  I'm also in a transition process as I try to go towards using a different tracker, so there's that to wrestle with as well...

There was some worry about the Chicky duplex since I've been putting off dealing with the water pooling on the roof of the back coop.  Fortunately we've come up with a plan to move forward with and for now that side has just been taken off limits as I've removed the roof entirely.  I was stressing out a little wondering whether they'd be safe, but ended up adding some extra tape over the door for security earlier this night, which I think should hopefully do the trick.  Good chickies.

Today was an interesting day where nothing really went according to plan.  I was pretty thrown off by it; didn't get the errands done that I was intending to, got sidetracked by the chicky situation, and the meal situation kept changing as well, but it kinda all worked out ok in the end.  Hopefully I can manage to sleep okay and get up without a ton of trouble tomorrow so that I can have a good start to the day tomorrow.

Rhythm Quest is taking a backseat this month, but I'm not really feeling too bad about that at all; breaktime can be well deserved and now that the discord is offline to posting I don't have to hear anyone complain about it either.  I've got other things I need to take care of first including all the xmas stuff, practicing more alttpr, taking care of the remaining errands, and I need to cram in my pixel art drawing for the month as well.

So yeah, all in all things are...things are going along.  It was nice to have a month to just focus on getting better in both vitality and spirit.  I feel like I can see a light on the path moving forward, at least.

I got taken down for the count, but it's just as well, I guess.  If I won't give myself a rest, then I'll just have to be forced to, perhaps.

I continue to have mixed feelings going to these dance events.  It's "nice", I guess, but it also makes me feel icky.  It makes me question what it was =ever= like to have a simple, nice, pleasant time socializing.  I keep on telling myself to withhold expectations, but also to perform my best, and end up with a strange yet not-so-strange feeling of emptiness.  Well, the good news is that spending $200 at the grocery store afterwards brought my mood up...

I played through Old Skies!  That was a fun playthrough, I think I enjoyed it more than Unavowed.  There were a few minor parts where I felt like the narrative sort of lost me, but for the most part I think it was good.

I find myself unable to do any of the things I'm "supposed" to do, but...that's sort of the point, isn't it? 

What is it like, I wonder?  To be "normal", to go down the path that you're supposed to.  Is it just, easier?  Some people I'm sure, pay a price for trying to be normal, and "failing".  But I'm sure there are those that also, don't.  What is that even like?  Is it like being really smart and not having to work hard in school for your grades?  You just kind of go along and don't have a lot of those difficulties, a lot of those struggles, or something?

I guess I dance better with petticoat, no matter what the style.  Social dance is an interesting environment to be in; in some senses it forces me to confront both how I am different than others, but also the same.  I'm not sure which is "worse", really.

At the very least, I felt an unexpected confidence and energy, at one point.  It's rare for me to feel that these days, quite.  It's strange to think about, how I have it in me, yet am unable to access it most of the time.

=====

Sure, it's bad to be so stuck up that you're constantly believing all of the stories you craft about yourself.  But like, isn't it also bad to never believe in them, either?  Of course, we'd all like to strive to be nuanced and balanced individuals, but I'm sure we can all think of at least some times when we succumbed to playing the victim card, or times when we were gaslit into thinking that we were the one with the problem when we never were.

It is scary to get that wrong, but perhaps it's also futile, in a sense, to try and avoid it.  When we say "we are all human" the connotation is around making mistakes and not being perfect.  Odd that "imperfection" is what we associate with as a race, when there are so many other things that you could also consider universal experiences, strengths, traits.

My friend was talking about how they have a distinct impression of Gen Z folks and the way they talk, communicate, joke.  There is a certain sort of detached sense of humor, or even a detached way of relating to what's going on.  It's almost "insincere" in a way, it would probably be really uncharacteristic to just come out and say outright, "haha, I think this is so funny", or "that's terrible...".  I'm sure there are complicated sociological factors at play here, but the story I have in my head is that these are people who grew up in a world where nobody is safe from judgment, anywhere.  When I think back I remember seeing tabloid maganizes at the grocery store, it always seemed like some movie star or celebrity was involved in some scandal or something, according to them.  And it seemed so far away, so distant, so...imaginary.  Like, these people hardly feel real, and even if they were, certainly none of these allegations could be taken seriously?

But perhaps there are those who now grow up in a space where anything at all could be considered "cringe", where we have a word called "tryhard" which is supposed to be derogatory.

What's weird, or maybe troubling to me, about it all, is not really the behavior of the new generation, or what is "cringe" or whatever, I mean, sure, maybe those are problematic too, but I think what really strikes me is that like, being vulnerable or putting yourself out there or being authentic or expressing yourself fully was =already= really hard even without all this.  We face problems with our ego, we fear rejection, we hide under masks, because damn, the world has always been a harsh place, even when it's just totally normal.

That's fine though, I think.  You can't rush these things.  You shouldn't expect to magically ascend into nirvana or heal all of your trauma or become the ideal person you've always wanted to.  I don't necessarily think I need to glorify being flawed, but...like, stay flawed.  That's totally fine.  Necessary, even.  That is somehow an important part of being "human", right?

Perhaps what is so important about loving yourself is that you are always entitled to your own self-love, no matter how shitty you've been, or think you've been.  Maybe everyone "deserves" to be loved, but we are never entitled to it.

When we turn our anger toward ourselves, though, even that can break down.  But I guess it is important to remember to care for yourself, even if reluctantly.  Maybe you can't stand being with the person, but there is some part of you that can still be called upon to do the right thing.

Anyways, I was getting pretty down in the dumps, but had some help in wading through back to the surface.  I see the air again now, can tell up from down.  I am excited to finish this Fractal Terra build, excited to play another Nebuchadnezzar map, maybe excited for the weekly open seed.  Hell, I'm even excited to finally not have to deal with direct audience interaction anymore.

I'm not really sure who I'll be tomorrow.  Will I be fiercely myself?  Will I pretend to be somebody else?  I don't really know, other than that I need to make sure I have my own back.

It's not the time for change.  How could I even entertain the idea?  There is only one type of change that I should be seeking in my current state...everything else is too much for this time.

Slowly, we'll come back.  There won't be any big sort of write-up because the most I can do is claw my way back, slowly.  The days continue, and that's all I can ask of myself.

We slowly flip our way through the pages, onto what seems like the next chapter of it.  But it's not a clean cut; things from chapter 2 still blur into chapter 4, and I sense that it will continue to be that way.  The chapter after this, too, will not be the end of it all.  I know, because I've gone through these sorts of things before.  Sometimes there are more chapters than you can even realize.

I opened a box to the past today and things spilled out of me onto the floor.  Indescribable mixes of emotions; not something you could find on any one of those "emotion wheels".  It could not be categorized as joy, love, anger, or sadness.  But from there I received an energy that I...guess I needed?  Well, I'm not sure what else I'd do with myself, anyways.

We're on our way back, though, it seems.

Oct 14, 2025

We're going private for a while, for various reasons.  I guess in lieu of a real private post feature on Blogger, we're just sending stuff way into the future instead.  We'll see how it works out, I guess.

There's a lot I could write about, but also could just not write about.  I think rather than start big, I'll just start small.  We're doing pretty ok.  It's an odd mix of things, like feeling excited yet also unmotivated, lonely but also not.  I'm not really worried about myself, know that I'll be okay, it's more just like...how does the day to day feel, and how am I best taking care of myself while I swim through it all?

If nothing else, the xmas letter project is going pretty decently. I'm only a few days behind, and that's pretty ok, honestly I'm a little surprised I've managed to keep up this pace.  I have other things I know I can get to, some which I keep meaning to get to.  I'm actually getting some Rhythm Quest work done, but it keeps on getting bogged down because there's other stuff going on in my life.  I've done good data science for ALTTPR, but I should get back to updating my website with more of the data and findings.  Even for my keyboards, I keep meaning to make some sort of switchup, but haven't gotten around to it.

Silksong has overall been a great thing to keep me going and provide me something nice to just turn to when I want to just...play a game.  Reminds me a little bit of when I was playing Baldur's Gate 3 and despite all the flaws of that game it was...something to play and look forward to.

I dunno.  I like, =kinda= know what happiness looks like for me going forward, it's just a little fuzzy around the edges.  But also, that's not really something that worries me.  I'm ok not knowing exactly what the future looks like.  I'm ok just having a general direction.  I just keep on moving forward like I always have.  Someday I'll get "there", I think.  I hope.  Maybe you will, too.