I got taken down for the count, but it's just as well, I guess.  If I won't give myself a rest, then I'll just have to be forced to, perhaps.

I continue to have mixed feelings going to these dance events.  It's "nice", I guess, but it also makes me feel icky.  It makes me question what it was =ever= like to have a simple, nice, pleasant time socializing.  I keep on telling myself to withhold expectations, but also to perform my best, and end up with a strange yet not-so-strange feeling of emptiness.  Well, the good news is that spending $200 at the grocery store afterwards brought my mood up...

I played through Old Skies!  That was a fun playthrough, I think I enjoyed it more than Unavowed.  There were a few minor parts where I felt like the narrative sort of lost me, but for the most part I think it was good.

I find myself unable to do any of the things I'm "supposed" to do, but...that's sort of the point, isn't it? 

What is it like, I wonder?  To be "normal", to go down the path that you're supposed to.  Is it just, easier?  Some people I'm sure, pay a price for trying to be normal, and "failing".  But I'm sure there are those that also, don't.  What is that even like?  Is it like being really smart and not having to work hard in school for your grades?  You just kind of go along and don't have a lot of those difficulties, a lot of those struggles, or something?

I guess I dance better with petticoat, no matter what the style.  Social dance is an interesting environment to be in; in some senses it forces me to confront both how I am different than others, but also the same.  I'm not sure which is "worse", really.

At the very least, I felt an unexpected confidence and energy, at one point.  It's rare for me to feel that these days, quite.  It's strange to think about, how I have it in me, yet am unable to access it most of the time.

=====

Sure, it's bad to be so stuck up that you're constantly believing all of the stories you craft about yourself.  But like, isn't it also bad to never believe in them, either?  Of course, we'd all like to strive to be nuanced and balanced individuals, but I'm sure we can all think of at least some times when we succumbed to playing the victim card, or times when we were gaslit into thinking that we were the one with the problem when we never were.

It is scary to get that wrong, but perhaps it's also futile, in a sense, to try and avoid it.  When we say "we are all human" the connotation is around making mistakes and not being perfect.  Odd that "imperfection" is what we associate with as a race, when there are so many other things that you could also consider universal experiences, strengths, traits.

My friend was talking about how they have a distinct impression of Gen Z folks and the way they talk, communicate, joke.  There is a certain sort of detached sense of humor, or even a detached way of relating to what's going on.  It's almost "insincere" in a way, it would probably be really uncharacteristic to just come out and say outright, "haha, I think this is so funny", or "that's terrible...".  I'm sure there are complicated sociological factors at play here, but the story I have in my head is that these are people who grew up in a world where nobody is safe from judgment, anywhere.  When I think back I remember seeing tabloid maganizes at the grocery store, it always seemed like some movie star or celebrity was involved in some scandal or something, according to them.  And it seemed so far away, so distant, so...imaginary.  Like, these people hardly feel real, and even if they were, certainly none of these allegations could be taken seriously?

But perhaps there are those who now grow up in a space where anything at all could be considered "cringe", where we have a word called "tryhard" which is supposed to be derogatory.

What's weird, or maybe troubling to me, about it all, is not really the behavior of the new generation, or what is "cringe" or whatever, I mean, sure, maybe those are problematic too, but I think what really strikes me is that like, being vulnerable or putting yourself out there or being authentic or expressing yourself fully was =already= really hard even without all this.  We face problems with our ego, we fear rejection, we hide under masks, because damn, the world has always been a harsh place, even when it's just totally normal.

That's fine though, I think.  You can't rush these things.  You shouldn't expect to magically ascend into nirvana or heal all of your trauma or become the ideal person you've always wanted to.  I don't necessarily think I need to glorify being flawed, but...like, stay flawed.  That's totally fine.  Necessary, even.  That is somehow an important part of being "human", right?

Perhaps what is so important about loving yourself is that you are always entitled to your own self-love, no matter how shitty you've been, or think you've been.  Maybe everyone "deserves" to be loved, but we are never entitled to it.

When we turn our anger toward ourselves, though, even that can break down.  But I guess it is important to remember to care for yourself, even if reluctantly.  Maybe you can't stand being with the person, but there is some part of you that can still be called upon to do the right thing.

Anyways, I was getting pretty down in the dumps, but had some help in wading through back to the surface.  I see the air again now, can tell up from down.  I am excited to finish this Fractal Terra build, excited to play another Nebuchadnezzar map, maybe excited for the weekly open seed.  Hell, I'm even excited to finally not have to deal with direct audience interaction anymore.

I'm not really sure who I'll be tomorrow.  Will I be fiercely myself?  Will I pretend to be somebody else?  I don't really know, other than that I need to make sure I have my own back.

It's not the time for change.  How could I even entertain the idea?  There is only one type of change that I should be seeking in my current state...everything else is too much for this time.

Slowly, we'll come back.  There won't be any big sort of write-up because the most I can do is claw my way back, slowly.  The days continue, and that's all I can ask of myself.

We slowly flip our way through the pages, onto what seems like the next chapter of it.  But it's not a clean cut; things from chapter 2 still blur into chapter 4, and I sense that it will continue to be that way.  The chapter after this, too, will not be the end of it all.  I know, because I've gone through these sorts of things before.  Sometimes there are more chapters than you can even realize.

I opened a box to the past today and things spilled out of me onto the floor.  Indescribable mixes of emotions; not something you could find on any one of those "emotion wheels".  It could not be categorized as joy, love, anger, or sadness.  But from there I received an energy that I...guess I needed?  Well, I'm not sure what else I'd do with myself, anyways.

We're on our way back, though, it seems.