My mind keeps on refusing to learn the lessons that my body so desperately tries to tell it, I guess.  So here I am at 4AM, anxious and sitting in the company of the doubts that I swatted away like those buzzing flies that kept me on edge even as I tried to do what I normally do.  It may not be "fair", but suffering rarely is.  But just because it is not "fair" doesn't necessarily mean that it wasn't earned.  I may not "deserve" to feel this way, but I certainly earned it.

It's hard to look back at what I did to arrive at this place and trace the "mistakes" that led me here because it is difficult, simply put, to label anything as "mistake".  If I am acting in accordance to what I believe and what I think best, how could it be a mistake?  More often than not we are simply victims of the fact that we are set up for certain outcomes.  "Failure", you could call it, but that word has the same problematic connotation as "mistake".  I did many things that could be called "success", but is it really success if it leads to negative outcomes?  It it simply a matter of perspective, sometimes.

Emotional security is, perhaps, sometimes like financial security.  Well, not really, in many ways, but maybe in some ways.  It's unfortunate, but many times the easiest way to earn money is to already have money.  We don't have such thing as an emotional savings account, or (good lord) emotional mutual funds.  But the concept is the same; when you are living paycheck to paycheck (or worse), you can't really secure a future for yourself that doesn't carry some element of risk or instability.

Some people just work their way toward financial stability and security, others kinda just have it handed to them.  And of course sometimes disaster strikes and that can take so many forms.  "Invest in yourself" is maybe a saying that gets tossed around, but the thing is that investment requires capital.  You can also make something from nothing, but it's something that requires more work, and...oftentimes, a more frugal lifestyle.  In the worst case you might have to take out a loan.  But it's funny because in some of the best cases you end up taking on a mortgage and what is that but another type of loan?  In one case you might not really be considered to be financially independent, but in the other case you might be considered to be very financially independent?  There is probably some sort of analogy in terms of the emotional loans that we take on, too.  It's not that it's inherently bad to take on a loan, it just depends.

I'm always pretty vague in these posts so I guess I can spell it out more in plain English, too.  I'm pretty unhappy.  I had a long week and I'm suffering from the residual effects of it.  I have some aspects of myself that are pretty frustrated at the other parts because they have been trying to get me away from unhappiness but like, you know how it is.  We often ignore what our body is telling us, or ignore what our mind is telling us, one or the other usually.  I didn't take good care of myself this week, not at all, and it's all starting to hit me as an accumulation of debt that I guess I need to start paying back somehow.  It's kinda sucky.  I didn't really want this but I don't have anybody to really "blame" but myself.  I'm trying to be sympathetic and write all this stuff about how "mistakes" aren't really a thing but yeah, I mean I think if I get really real with myself, I feel like I wronged myself.

I think sometimes that really stings because out of all the people in the world myself is the one who has really been through it all together with me.