Showing up for yourself means understanding that you deserve love even when you don't think you do

Showing up for yourself means learning about what makes you undeserving of love, too

Showing up for yourself means dragging yourself outside even when you feel like hiding under a rock

Showing up for yourself means letting yourself stay home even when you feel like you should be dragging yourself outside

Showing up for yourself means taking care of your body, putting on your best even when nobody else can see it

Showing up for yourself also means staring at your hideous face in the mirror afterwards

and telling it "I love you"

even when you don't believe it.

You'd do the same for someone else

Wouldn't you?

And even if you wouldn't

that's okay too

 

Deep down, you'd want someone to do it for you

even if you feel like you don't deserve it

right?

I'm doing ok, here, in this place away from home.  As much as I like to always keep the same pace and do the same things, it's hard to argue that taking a little break away from myself isn't good every once in a long while.

My last trip out of town wasn't super "relaxing" in that I was basically always doing stuff every day, though I still managed to take a day on my own to go pet cats and drink tea and everything (wonderful!).  This time I may have some more time to do...okay, normal stuff that I'd probably do if I was out and about at home too, catching up on some work, maybe writing a letter, maybe getting a head start on this month's pixel art, blahblahblah.

There's a tea place here, too, though my first experience there left me feeling half-dubious.  I'll give them one more shot to see if it'll be a nice place for me to stop by again, but I miss my home tea cafe(s) already haha.  It's too bad, too, I think both of the spots that I went to during my last trip were really nice, particularly that second one.  But I guess nowhere is perfect, really.  Maybe I should have brought some of my own tea with me, I guess...

The mentor tournament has continued to be fun I think!  I'm starting off the season strong with 6 victories and 1 loss (heh), somehow I'm actually catching up to that crazy 8-1 record that I had at one point last year before the losses started rolling in.  In my mind the mentees are kind of at the point where their journey and destiny is really under their own control; you can (probably?) really see the difference between mentees that just keep on making the same mistakes over and over again, versus people who put in the work and really learn how to execute every screen in the game well.

I've probably talked about this before, but it's always weird to try and coach people through the process of learning.  Like, I feel like most of my learnings have just been a matter of "expose me to something new" or whatever and then I go and learn the thing myself because it's just EASY for me to figure out how the thing works on my own.  Even if it's not immediately obvious, I can just look up the appropriate resources myself, =or= I can do the science on my own.  So it's really weird to think to myself, how am I supposed to interact with, and =help=, people who don't just figure everything out on their own?  My first instinct is always like "here's a video, go and watch it".  And I mean on some level that's valid, right?  The reason we have these videos is to serve as a nice and (hopefully?) concise explanation of concepts, with prepared footage to accompany it.  Wouldn't that be better than some on-the-fly half-baked runthrough that's unprepared?

But of course, like, people don't always know how to diagnose what they're doing wrong, right?  Again, I have to like, understand that rationally rather than experientially because if you put me in the same situation, 9 times out of 10 I =will= be able to diagnose what's going wrong.  Like, if you see something and try to replicate it and it doesn't work, you should isolate different factors, look at the inputs and outputs, etc.  I dunno, isn't that just...basic? (it's not)

It's real hot here, and =dry= too, so I've been trying my best to make sure to take care of my skin.  Tomorrow I get to give that tea shop another chance, but also get to shop for some knives -- hoping to find something to take home, or at the very least buy as a gift!  I'll probably try to get some work done, but I want to vary that work, too, you know?

Life goes on, for now.  We'll see.

Words to Remove from the Dictionary (Part 1)

Good

Bad

 

Right

Wrong

 

Proper

Improper 

 

Defective

Maladaptive

Inadequate

Inferior

Insignificant

 

Hopeless

Worthless

Unlovable

Unforgivable

Coward

Stupid

Idiot

Broken

Pointless

Powerless

Meaningless

Useless

Impossible

Hate

Normal

Perfect

Never

Can people really change?  I mean, of course, people do change, but I wonder sometimes if that change is slow and hard-earned, or whether change is more like something that just "happens" to you.  Like how you can go to bed, but you can't actively "fall asleep", it's just something that "happens to you".  Maybe the difference is more semantic than anything, but thinking about the changes in my life and in other people's lives, it makes me think about how much of it was really under our control at all.

I've certainly become a little more comfortable talking and interacting with people in certain ways.  (Others...maybe still needs some work)  Was that really something that I did out of my own will and power?  Maybe.  I think it's weird because I'm used to looking at things like skills and techniques, like you know, my execution in ALTTPR, or knowing my way around cooking, or even the craft of making music?  These are all things where I can go like, "hey, yeah, I really worked on that, I put effort into both learning and practicing it, and it resulted in growth and progress".  But like, when it comes to the deeper stuff, like social skills or my personality or even the little componens that make up who I am, those are a lot harder to boil down.

Like, yeah, maybe I feel a little more secure than I used to, but like, I struggle to even feel like that's something that I really "worked out", it just feels like I was "lucky enough" to get through the right circumstances to make it happen.  I think some of the stuff about self-care, yeah, sure, that stuff I feel like I've put in work on, both myself and with my therapist, so that stuff makes sense, but the other stuff...it's harder for me to connect the dots, I guess.

The other weird thing is that change is something that traditionally I've just tried to avoid in the first place?  So like, maybe it makes sense after all that it's something that "happened to me" rather than something I really pursued.  But I donno, are there really good examples of how I've seen people change over time out of their own will?

Yeah...yeah, I guess there are.  But like I said, it is slow, and hard-earned.  I think that's why it's hard to imagine, because usually that sort of change takes many years, I guess, and usually starts so early on.  Like when I decided I would try my best to avoid having so many things that were half-done and never-finished.  I was so young when I tried to decide that, it really took many years before I could really go and say that this is something I'm not only good at but am known for.

I guess I see that in other people, too.  People have told me about how they had experiences that made them figure out that they wanted to be a certain way or wanted to learn how to be a different way than they were previously.  It's cool, I guess, seeing that people can actually make it happen.  That if you want to, you can grow, and shift.  I think it's more rare to see now, because people have settled more into their ways, but it doesn't mean it doesn't happen at all.  Even someone who claims to want to stay the same as much as me, feels the shifts happening as I try to understand things in a different way.  Maybe I won't change as drastically as I did during some of my more formative years.  But it still happens, I guess.


I've still been feeling a little off, physically.  Headaches and fatigue and all that.  But I've been doing my best despite that.  Finished that Rhythm Quest devlog, did some mentoring, even squeezed in an ALTTPR run and got some voter outreach postcards started.  I'm overdue on some letters still, but that can come in time.  Everything in its time, one by one, steadily.  I can do it.